#AccheDin have already come for…

Saala main to CM ban gaya!

Main abhi bhi zero kaam kar raha hu!

Mainstream media…
Government ki ghulaami khatam! Ab hum jee bharke government ko gaali dete hai!

Sonia-Nitish mere aage peeche bhaag rahe hain!

Gandhi Pariwar…
Same privileges, but with zero responsibility!

Main to kabse Rashtrapati Bhawan main chill kar raha hu!

Sanjay Jha…
Zero intelligence hoke bhi main kitna famous hu!

Nearing 500 days of Modi sarkar and still no arrest!

© Sunil Rajguru

August 2015 Status Updates

Feels like…
Rohit—Chalo last innings main 50 banaya.
Agle tour main place pukka.
Abhi wicket fekta hu.
#IndVsSL #Colombo

In foreign Tests, Indian bowlers hunt an animal that has a very small body and a very long tail.

(August 31)

How to change the name of Aurangzeb Road.
Just call the process Rajiv Gandhi Naam Badlo Yojana and proceed.

Laloo: The 1st.
Kejri: Laloo the 2nd.
Hardik: Laloo the 3rd.

1996: Laloo wants to be PM.
1999: Sonia wants to be PM.
2014: Nitish wants to be PM.
2015: Chalo milke current PM par gussa nikaalte hai.

(August 30)

The Web is lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I surf,
And miles to go before I surf…
…said no-one ever!

Media coverage of Jessica + Arushi + Sheena murders
is greater than
lakhs of other murders + farmer suicides + all rural crimes + …

(August 29)

Newton’s third law and the Congress party…
For every sonrise, there is an equal and opposite sunset.
Sonrise—Pappu. Sunset—Lok Sabha.
Sonrise— Jyotiraditya. Sunset—Madhya Pradesh.
Sonrise— Sachin Pilot. Sunset—Rajasthan.

Before polls…
BJP Busted in Mahanagara Palike.
After polls…
Bruhat Bengaluru Modiwavecontinues Palike

(August 26)

Farewell (last Test) for Sangakkara.
Welcome (first Test victory) for captain Kohli.

Team India composition…
1. Test all-rounder means “half-batsman + quarter bowler” or “half-bowler + quarter batsman”.
2. 5-bowling attack means 5th bowler is a mediocre fill-in-the-blanks one.

BJP—Aadhar to Aadhar.
Supreme Court—No aadhar to aadhar to Aadhar!

(August 24)

Censor board…
Smoking and drinking is not OK, so warning appears.
Killing and violence is OK as no warning appears.

(August 23)

In Maharashtra a party which got 54 seats refused to accept a 119-seat offer.
It ended up with 122.
In Bihar a party which got 115 seats has accepted a 100-seat offer.

(August 22)

You need to fight fire with fire.
Kejri—How true! I’m using corrupt Laloo to fight corruption.

(August 21)

Rank of New Delhi among States/UTs by population = 30th.
Rank of Kejri’s media importance among 31 CMs = 1st.

Mahatma Gandhi passed Nehru and his descendants passed for life.
But Modi has to clear some vague media test every 3 months.

Very soon someone is going to make a Bollywood film on all this FTII nautanki.

(August 20)

For the first time ever, 100% of the crowd was cheering for India in a UAE cricket stadium.

(August 18)

Modi is currently trying to win over Kerala’s biggest constituency.

(August 16)


(August 15)

Ultimate goal to sell…
A rich film superstar selling fairness cream.
An MP selling water purifiers.
A Bharat Ratna selling everything under the sun.

Schrodinger’s favourite food = Maggi Noodles.
Banned/unbanned, leaded/leaded, healthy/unhealthy—all at the same time!

(August 14)

A fair distribution of Bihar Assembly seats would have been…
Nitish to Laloo: Aaadhe idhar (JDU), aadhe udhar (RJD) aur baaki Congress ke saath!

Last time Congress got 4/243 seats.
At the same ratio they will get 0.66 seats this time as they are contesting 40.

After winning PM’s post, Gujarat thrice, MP, Chhattisgarh, Rajasthan, Haryana, J&K, Maharashtra… Modi’s biggest test is Bihar. If he loses, it’s a referendum and he should resign.

(August 12)

Coming soon…
India-Lanka bhai bhai Episode 8734.

Turn Delhi into Kolkata.
Communism <Check>.
Dharnas/protests <Check>.
Vigilantes <Check>.
Trams <Check>.

Never thought Australia would ever be reduced to a one man (Steve Smith) team.
If Smith falls then so does Australia.
#EngVsAus #Ashes

(August 8)

BROAD-based nightmare.
COOKed in one session. FINNished. WOOD-be’s now.
‪#‎EngVsAus‬ ‪#‎Ashes‬

Stage 1—Do street agitation.
Stage 2—Get top party post.
Stage 3—Gain power.
Stage 1—Gain power.
Stage 2—Get top party post.
Stage 3—Do street agitation.

Hum to doobenge hi doobenge, par saath main tumhe bhi le jaayenge sanam.
—Congress to BJP.

Pakistan has Schrodinger’s Children.
They can be kids and adults at the same time.
‪#‎Naved‬ ‪#‎Afridi‬

(August 6)

It’s called Aadhar because it requires loads of aadhar from the Indian government just to stay afloat.

(August 3)

Nobody saw Osama and Mullah Omar die.
Nobody saw Dawood in Pakistan.
Nobody saw Yakub’s role in 1993 blasts.

There aren’t two but in fact three types of Taliban…
1. Bad Taliban.
2. Worse Taliban.
3. Worst Taliban.

(August 1)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru