#RioOlympics2016 musings…

Badminton champion gets Rs 10+ crore for getting our only Olympics woman silver in 100+ years.
Daughter of badminton champion gets Rs 10+ crore for every film, hit or flop.

‪#‎Irony‬
Shobhaa De trolled the India Olympics contingent really gracelessly.
Instead those who outed her are being called trolls.

#Ind Post-1947.
6 #Olympics Gold medals.
3 cricket World Cups.
1 hockey World Cup.
All under Congress Prime Ministers. 100%.
#Replug

Most politically incorrect song from Bobby during the #Olympics
Na chahoon Sona Chandi…
Ye mere kis kaam ke…
Ye to hain bas naam ke!

I think they should award a fourth place “Pewter Medal” in the Olympics for the benefit of countries like India.
‪#‎Rio2016‬

Other countries…
You don’t win a silver, you lose a gold.
India…
You don’t lose a bronze, you win a fourth place.
‪‪#‎Reality‬

‪#‎BetiBachaoBetiPadhao‬
should be officially changed to
‪#‎BetiPadhaoBetiKhilao‬

Shobhaa De should make a few more nonsensical statements.
A couple more Indian women will end up winning ‪#‎Olympics‬ medals.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Surge pricing began long back in India…

Cinema tickets…
1.5x to 2x (in black) after House Full board is put outside the cinema hall.
3x to 4x for superhit movies and those of superstars.

Photo0589

Auto rickshaw rates…
1.5x if the autowallah doesn’t feel like going.
2x to 3x at night.
4x to 5x during crises.

Vegetables and fruits…
2x to 3x depending on scarcity.
Onions went up to 10x in the past.

Railway tickets…
1.5x through touts.
Even Tatkal could be called a form of surge pricing.

Bringing in luxury goods in India till the 1980s…
2x to 10x depending on the whims of the customs department.

Government services…
1.5x to 5x depending on the difficulty of getting the service after including bribes.

© Sunil Rajguru

Comedy Nights with Kapil musings…

Comedy Nights with Kapil may be going, but Comedy Days with Pappu is here to stay.

Inception…
Comedian arrested for mocking religious leader who now has a case against him for dressing up as a godly avatar.

Was it “Comedy nights with Kapil” or…
Bollywood film promo nights with Kapil.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

#‎PathankotAttack‬

Everyone is crying out for peace, yes,
None is crying out for justice!
—Peter Tosh.
‪‪#‎RawDealForIndianDefenceServices‬

Pak terrorists report to ISI.
ISI reports to Pak Army.
Pak Army reports to Nawaz.
Terror attack on India = Nawaz attacks India.
When will they get it?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Media musings…

If there were 7.4 billion unlimited broadband connections, then there would be zero newspapers and zero TV news channels.

Newspapers are taken seriously by those people who don’t have Internet.
TV news channels are taken seriously by those who don’t have unlimited broadband.

The headline of the Times of India Front Page Lead has 33 words.
I wonder if this is a new record.
‪#‎BiryaniWithNawaz‬

Differing priorities…

I will electrify every village: Goyal.

I will save every stranded foreign national: Sushma.

I will build road in every corner: Gadkari.

I will put every textbook online for free: Smriti.

I will solve every Railways problem: Prabhu.

I will blame everything on Modi: Kejri.

I will cover and magnify every little goof-up of Modi: Senior editor.

I will blame every little nonsensical thing on Modi: #AdarshLiberal.

© Sunil Rajguru

Modi woes post Bihar elections…

New millennium truth…
Even a newbie politician can be CM of Delhi, not a BJPian.
Even a housewife can be CM of Bihar, not a BJPian.
‪#‎DelhiPatnaDoorHai‬

Modi…
2012-14: Won India, Gujarat, Madhya Pradesh, Rajasthan, Chhattisgarh, Maharashtra, Haryana, Jharkhand, Jammu & Kashmir.
2015: Lost New Delhi and Bihar.
He is after all human!

Narendra Modi…
Fighting against heavy odds all his life.
So, the heavy odds simply continue!

#‎AccheDin‬ have finally arrived for all ‪#‎ModiHaters‬.

Mahagatbandhan 1 = Bihar = JDU + RJD + Congress.
Mahagatbandhan 2 = West Bengal = TMC + CPM + Congress.
Mahagatbandhan 3 = Uttar Pradesh = SP + BSP + Congress.

Modi leads Modi Haters 734-2*.
(*1=Delhi polls is a loss as most of them live in Delhi which is falling apart under Kejri.
2=Bihar under Laloo will also crash.)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The way Bihar & Co. vote…

New Year resolution for 2016…
Forget trying to understand Bihari politics forever.
‪#‎BiharResults‬

Opinion polls gaye tel lene.
Exit polls gaye tel lene.
Early trends gaye tel lene.
Bihar development gaya tel lene.

Mahagatbandhan will be Mahagadbad for development.

2014 elections…
Modi for PM.
Modi for CM.
2015 elections…
Nitish for CM.
Laloo for PM (2019).

Bihar returns to 1990 as India heads to 2020.
Pappu returns to 2004 promise and also to 2019 hope.

In 2004 they kicked out development champions like Krishna, Naidu and Vajpayee.
In 2015 they brought back jokers like Kejri and Laloo.
‪#‎IndianElectorate‬

Can’t trust Opinion Polls.
Can’t trust Exit Polls.
Can’t even trust Trends on D-Day!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

When logic exited from polls…

#‎BiharExitPolls‬ commentary:
Last ball coming up…
BJP could lose by 100 runs, win by 100 runs or it could be a tie!!!

Schrodinger’s Election…
NDA is getting both a landslide and a thrashing at the same time.

#‎BiharExitPolls‬ questionnaire…
Who will win?
1. BJP+.
2. JDU+.
3. None of the above.
4. All of the above.

Would you like a burger?
Yes.
And some fries?
Yes.
And we’ll throw in a customized Bihar exit poll of your choice for no extra charge!

First only columns showed a bias.
Then edits.
Then news.
Then opinion polls.
Now even exit polls.

Something is rotten in the state of Polls.
‪#‎SabJeeteBiharInExitPolls‬

Kal saare opinion/exit polls ki pol khul jaayegi!
‪#‎BiharVerdict‬

It’s any era of personalization.
Every media house makes its own news and polls.

#‎MeraBiharExitPoll‬
Only one party has a chance of getting seats in 3-digits.
Most parties will get seats in 1 or 2-digits.
Some may even get 0 seats.

#‎MeraBiharExitPoll‬
Nitish ya koi aur CM hoga ya President’s Rule hoga.

Predicted seats wons in Bihar polls…
BJP 0-159.
JDU 0-101.
RJD 0-101.
Cong 0-41.
LJP 0-40.
RLSP 0-23.
HAM 0-21.
There—Can’t go wrong!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

#AwardWapsi versus #SammanWapsi

Nayantara Sehgal launched IIR.
Anupam Kher launched IIT.
(IIR = ‪#‎IntoleranceIsRising‬
IIT = ‪#‎IndiaIsTolerant‬)

When UPA ministers scam, Sonia-MMS are pure.
When 734th person in Sangh Pariwar hierarchy blabs, Modi is intolerant.

Discuss…
Poverty in five star hotel.
Lack of FoS with a million edits.
Secularism by abusing Hinduism.
Intolerance with great intolerance.

Idea of India…
Let a million Marxist duffers bloom.
Even if one non-Marxist speaks, scream intolerance.

For the first time in India’s history, the number of times the word “intolerance” has been used has surpassed actual cases of intolerance.

Intolerance, 1916: Epic silent film directed by DW Griffith.
Intolerance, 2015: Epic noise-filled filmy nautanki directed by S Gandhi.

#‎AdarshLiberal‬
B for ‪#‎BlowToModi‬
C for Communal
D for Dictator
F for Fascist
G for Godhra
H for Hitler
I for Intolerant

Twitter should introduce a third button after RT and Like…
“Tolerate”

“Rising Intolerance” © ® ™ and Patented by ‪#‎AdarshLiberals‬

A US politician once said there’s no difference between drug addiction and addiction to power.
Well ‪#‎AdarshLiberals‬ showing severe withdrawal symptoms after 67 years of power.

#‎MeraBiharExitPoll‬
Intolerance will sharply increase or decrease depending on Modi’s performance in Bihar elections.

3 million LPG ‪#‎SubsidyWapsi‬ cases is a much bigger story than 100 ‪#‎AwardWapsi‬ characters.

Tellurium: A brittle, mildly toxic, rare, silver-white metalloid.
Intolerantarium: A brittle, highly toxic, not so rare ‪#‎AdarshLiberal‬.

The so called “Champions of Tolerance” will be praying tonight that Caste Politics beats Development Politics in tomorrow’s Bihar results.

Mera Musharraf Mahaan.
Mera Modi be-imaan.
—‪#‎AdarshLiberal‬

India’s biggest mystery is how its worst politician (Sonia) was presented as the best politician of the new millennium.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

What if Jungle Raj returns in Bihar?

Abki ki baar Laloo sarkaar.
Har har Laloo, ghar ghar ghotala.
Jungli din aane waale hai.
Sab scamsters ka saath, sab scamsters ka vikaas.

Lord of the Biharis trilogy…
Fellowship of the Mahagatbandhan.
(Nitish revives) The Two Spent Powers (of Laloo & Sonia).
Return of the Fodder King.

Congress targets for 2015…
100 awards have to be returned.
50 days of Parliament have to be wiped out.
1000 fake Modi stories.
10 Pappu relaunches.

Attacking media…
Pre-1998—Attacked Opposition.
1998-2004—Attacked Government.
2004-2014—Attacked Opposition.
2014-__: Attacking Government.

Ready Edits…
NDA landslide due to…
MGB landslide due to…
NDA thrashed due to…
MGB thrashed due to…
Intolerance won due to…
‪#‎AwardWapsi‬ won due to…

Waqt ne kiya kya haseen sitam…
1975…
Nitish and Laloo fighting Indira during Emergency.
Chaalis saal baad…
Nitish and Laloo fighting with Indira’s daughter-in-law claiming Emergency-like situation.

Before an election which is allegedly “ModizBiggestTest…
Itna shor kyun hai bhai?
After he wins the election…
Itna sannata kyun hai bhaaya?

Akhilesh and Mamata meet and say …
Let’s ruin our States’ law and order even further and then Modi will really get it from the media!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru