A question of answers…

Quizmaster: Who was the first PM of India?
Musharraf: I don’t care!
Quizmaster: When did Partition take place?
Musharraf: In 1971, when those Kashmir Colonizers split our great country into two.
Quizmaster: Who is the President of Pakistan?
Musharraf: Well technically it’s still me, since I was illegally removed.
Quizmaster: Who was the Father of the Nation of Pakistan?
Musharraf: “Is”. You are looking at him right now.
Quizmaster: I pass…

Quizmaster: Who is the CM of Bihar?
Laloo: Does it matter?
Quizmaster: Who is the PM of India?
Laloo: Does it matter?
Quizmaster: Who is the President of the Congress party?
Laloo: Does it matter?
Quizmaster: Who is the Railway Minister of India?
Bam! The quizmaster is on the floor rolling in pain.
Laloo: Zakhm deta raha, hum chup baitha, par uske upar namak lagata hain, ye hum nahin bardasht karega!

Quizmaster: How many centuries did Tendulkar…
Kambli: No!
Quizmaster: Tendulkar scored…
Kambli: No!
Quizmaster: Tendulkar…
Kambli: No!
Quizmaster: Ten…
Kambli: I quit!
(Storms out)
Quizmaster: But I was just asking: Ten wicket hauls in Tests were taken by Anil Kumble and which other player!

Questioner: Who is the Prime Minister of India?
Advani: Pass.
Questioner: What is the one reason why BJP lost the last general election?
Advani: Pass.
Questioner: Who will succeed you in the party?
Advani: Pass.
Questioner: What is the future agenda of the BJP?
Advani: Pass.
Moral of the story: Advani is a great team player. If politics was like a game of football, then Advani would always pass the ball to his teammates.

Questioner: Who were the Congress leaders who led the 1984 riots?
Sonia: They didn’t exist.
Questioner: Who were the main players in the Bofors scam?
Sonia: It didn’t exist.
Questioner: How would you rate Vajpayee as a Prime Minister?
Sonia: He never existed.
Questioner: What do you think of Advani?
Sonia: Who’s he?
Moral of the story: In Politics only the Present is relevant. The past and future don’t exist.

© Sunil Rajguru

July 2009 Short Takes

People say the stock exchange is on a Roll. Par Roll nahin hain, Roller Coaster hain. Neeche bhi speed se hi jaata hain.
July 31

Fact of the day: Cocoa brings down cholestrol. Other ingredients of chocolate bring it up. Net effect=Zero. Advice of the day: Roz chocolate khao aur mast raho.
July 31

The law of diminishing returns: Magnum Opus. Novel. Novella. Short Story. Newspaper article. FB Status Message. (But they’re all forms of literature)
July 31

Cauvery to “Ganga of the South” hain na? To dhanya ho: Hum Bangaloreans roz Ganga Jal peete hain.
July 31

News. Something that hits the Internet in seconds, the TV channels in minutes and the newspapers after a day.
July 31

SRK ke itne bure din aa gaye hain kya, ki woh Arindam Chaudhuri ka quizmaster ban baitha hain, aur woh bhi teen saal ke liye?
July 30

Learnt the hard way today: In Bangalore, the more numerically precise an address is (e.g. 1st cross, 1st main, 1st phase, 1st stage) the more difficult it is to find and get directions.
July 30

MS and Yahoo are two totally different animals. Will they complement each other or cancel out each other? Will it be 2+2=4 or 2-2=0 (Keeping in mind that Google is 5+)
July 30

The new realities are BRIC, Indo-China and Af-Pak. Aur ye kya hain Manmohan sahab, aap abhi tak Indo-Pak ke daldal main phase hue hain?
July 30

Digging digging everywhere and not a place to walk…
July 30

Advani: From PM-in-Waiting to Waiting-for-Nothing. Modi: From “Usko PM banao” to “Uska Narco Test karao”… BJP kab tak slide karta rahega?
July 30

After seeing the Kashmir squabble, the region feels very much part of the Indian Parliamentary system.
July 30

We learn of the concept of Death and its inevitability as children. We all know we will die one day. Millions of people die every day. And yet when we come face to face with even one Death, it totally Devastates us.
July 25

My life is so F********d! (I wanted to say that My life is so Facebooked, but that wouldn’t have the same effect, would it?)
July 25

In politics women are better than men. Rajiv had to be a PM to run the nation. Sonia is doing it without that post. If Mulayam is King of goondas, Maya is Empress. If Buddha is Left, Mamta is Left Ultra. If Karuna is dictatorial, what do you make of Jaya?
July 24

Kasab pleads not guilty and they cry foul. Kasab pleads guilty and they cry foul.
July 23

“My life is an open book” has much more meaning with FB status updates
July 22

“We did not concede any ground to Pak on terror” Mr Foreign Secy, if you have no ground in the first place, there is no chance of conceding it!
July 22

“Son, whatever goes up, must come down”… “But Papa, that doesn’t hold true in space, right?” Sigh! Today’s kids: Try telling them anything at your own risk.
July 22

Suspend Continental’s license. Kick the employees who frisked Kalam out of our airports. Do we have no pride or what?
July 22

Did you hear about India’s Total Political Eclipse? It started on August 15, 1947 and continues to this very day
July 22

Schools were invented not to educate children, but to give free time to parents and keep them away from insanity.
July 21

Manmohan will find himself very cold and lonely on his stand on climate change and warming up to Pak
July 21

is going to start cheering for Aus soon. They seem the perennial underdogs now.
July 21

Test cricket isn’t getting extinct. Test cricketers are
July 20

Kambli blasts Sachin. Kambli clarifies. Kambli backtracks. Kambli patches up with Sachin. All this before the programme is even aired! Stock Market speculation is out. It’s TV speculation all the way.
July 20

BJP vanquished. Mulayam fading. In UP it’s just Sonia aur Maya. Will we have a statue-breaking poll in 2012?
July 17

A friend points out to me that while other cities have their Skylines, Bangalore will always have its Treeline. Thank God for that!
July 17

A man should just work from sunrise to sunset and do nothing else. A man should just rest from sunset to sunrise and do nothing else.
July 17

Coming Soon! Gay Yoga by Baba Ramdev
July 11

Rakhi Swayamwar theek hain. But after that, will it be a real marriage and will it really last? Or will we have another reality show: Rakhi ka war swayam chala gaya… Greater TRP ratings!!!
July 10

Dear Manmohan, Calling up Tata or seeking a Global Advisory Council won’t solve Air India’s problems. Uska kuch nahin ho sakta. That’s one PSU you’ll have to sell lock, stock and barrel. (That’ll help the fiscal defecit too to a bit)
July 10

Why are they using words like ‘Lover’ and ‘Suitor’ in the Sania stalking cases. Plain Stalker is enough. No need to find synonyms for words like Criminal, Convict, Murderer just for the sake of variety in headlines.
July 10

Whenever it rains heavily in Bangalore, trees fall. Considering it rains from April to November, I wonder how Bangalore is still so green!
July 10

Abhi hum Beta nahin hain hain bhai, abhi hum aapke Baap ban-ne wale hain (Google)
July 9

Pak: OK, we trained the terrorists, we accept it, what are you going to do? India: Hum bahut khush hain. Aapne kabul kiya, yahi hamare liye bahut hain. Safal hui hamari aradhana.
July 9

Aayega, aayega, aayega ek din 3G aayega…
July 8

Yippeee!!! US-Russia to have just 3000 nuclear warheads! Now I can sleep in peace. (As it is more space is required in the Nuclear Cabinet for Pak, NKorea, Iran… (and of course India, China) Nuclear Democracy is great, isn’t it???
July 7

Pahale Murli, phir Mendis, ab ye Herath kaun hain? The Spin God is shifting next door to the island or what?
July 7

The Indian cricket team has just won 5 ODI series in a row. Pathetic performance! Start panicking! Bring out all the guys from retirement!
July 7

Bubble Bubble Market Trouble!
July 6

If you’re not a Fed fan, then 2003-09 is actually the most boring period in Men’s tennis. Nothing beats the Lendl-Becker-McEnroe-Connors-Wilander-Edberg rivalry of the 1980s. We even had a lot of 1-time winners like Cash, Noah and Chang. There was glorious uncertainty. Then it was: Who will win??? Now it is: Will Fed win???
July 6

Great Expectations! Pranab Babu koi Santa Claus hain kya?
July 6

In school, never thought Borg would be bettered. A mere 3-4 years back, never thought Sampras would be bettered. Impossible is Nothing. Grand Fed has made every other Great an Ex-
July 6

Dhoni has led ODI series wins against Pak, Eng, SL, NZ and WI. He beat Aus 2-0 in a triangular final. Ab SA aur WC baaki hain. Best of Luck dude!
July 6

The Rule of Two. Bangalore has two seasons: Wet and Dry. Delhi has two seasons: Wish it was Cold and Wish it was Hot. Chennai has two seasons: Hot and Humid and Very Hot and Humid. India has two seasons: When there’s Monsoon and When there isn’t a Monsoon
July 5

OK Mamata is Partisan and Populist and Political. But I like her efforts at complexes, shops, hotels, water, toilets, onboard infotainment… that will change my user experience greatly and not great looking grand schemes that can be presented at IIM seminars.
July 4

Whenever Dhoni looks tired, the BCCI should rest him, that’s the only way Team India will remain fresh
July 4

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Laga ungli pe abhi bhi (halka) daag… Ye kaunsa poll dye use karte hain? Die hi nahin hota.
July 4

They want to ban cow slaughter. But man slaughter is fine if it suits their political objectives.
July 3

India and Pak want to Talk too much. They should just avoid each other and listen to the Sounds of Silence for a decade or so. The Wall will come down when it has to…
July 3

My son’s first self-made PJ. What is the opposite of Rajeswarinagar? — Rajesh Don’t Worry Nagar!
July 3

Cricket PJ of the day: What is the biography of a chucker called? The Man Who Threw Too Much
July 3

Star Plus is bruised Black and Blue, is Green with envy and Red with rage. Basically, it is seeing Colors
July 2

Thousands of years hence, when mankind will cease to exist, aliens will go through our ruins and find hundreds of statues of Maya. They will conclude that she was the greatest human to walk the Earth. And you think she has no foresight!
July 2

Stand straight n upright and keep to the centre in these troubled political times. Leaning excessively to the Left or Right may severely erode your votebank.
July 2

Will they be able to apply the Statue of Limitations on Maya?
July 2

Not So Vicious Circle: 1 IPL = Just 1 extra ad endorsement for top cricketers. Miss IPL = Be fresh for major tournaments = More victories = More endorsements = No need for IPL = …
July 1

Cricket is a game where 11 fools play and 1100 fools watch (GB Shaw) Today I think it’s more like 1100 lakh fools watch and I am proud to be one of them, so my cricket related statuses will continue, kindly adjust…
July 1