Why the Indian cricket team lost in England…

The BCCI has just completed its enquiry into the washout of the Indian team in England. Here are the results…

1st Test: Players just reached England. They had difficulty in adjusting to the conditions, pitches and climate.
Observations: Organize many more tours per year, so players will get over their “first match blues”.

2nd Test: India hadn’t choked for absolutely no rhyme and reason in a Test in ages. Law of averages finally caught up with them.
Observations: There’s nothing we can do about that.

3rd Test: Race riots happened in England at the time of the Test. The poor players were very scared. Smoke could be seen behind the stadium during the toss.
Observations: We couldn’t cancel the match as we needed the money and got it. No complaints there.

4th Test: Last match in the series. Players extremely tired and demoralized.
Observations: Organize 3-Test series in the future. As it is ODIs make more money. One lost Test = 3 more ODIs.

T20 International: Players played a whopping three practice matches the previous week, therefore they were extremely tired.
Observations: Stop listening to experts and stop organizing so many practice matches. As it is they don’t make much money.

Complete ODI Series: Rain, weather, damp pitches, Mr Duckworth and Mr Lewis dominated and there’s nothing anyone can do about that. This series can be totally forgotten, especially as we didn’t lose much money.
We were also told that captain MS Dhoni was fatigued and tired and should be rested, then how did he emerge as the leading run scorer and man of the series? The BCCI should stop listening to so-called experts.

Final Observations: Arre bhaiyya aal izz well!

Note: The ECB is seeking the BCCI’s expertise to explain its 0-3 ODI thrashing and making a similar report.

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Knock Knock Jokes 7

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Cook who?
That’s right. Cuckoos all of you have become on Indian soil, after being lions at home.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Shoe who?
Sorry Shoe shoe… shoo shoo go away. No shoeing allowed. I ain’t no Bush!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Marx who?
Mark my words I said, didn’t I, that no good would come from this type of capitalism!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Recession who?
Yeah, that’s right, keep pretending you don’t know me and brushing me under the carpet and I’ll keep getting bigger and bigger and eventually depress you big time.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Shahrukh who?
Yeah I knew you’d forgotten me. Haven’t had a blockbuster for 3 years, but now I’m going to blitz you so much that you’ll get totally sick of me. Me Jeevan. All other superstars Ravans.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

India-England cricket tour injury musings…

If the English won’t get you, then the injuries will.
If the injuries won’t get you, then the DRS will.
(Especially applicable to greats like Rahul Dravid)

Sachin has been stranded on his 99th international century for ages now. But that’s normal. He always spends a lot of time in the nervous nineties.

The BCCI now stands for the Board of Control of Cricketing Injuries.

A movie based on the tour will predictably be called Ghayal, the English remake will be…
Eight Injuries and Indian Cricket’s Funeral.

Yesterday’s Theme: Hum honge kaamyaab…
Today’s theme…
Hum honge tanadarust, hum honge tanadarust ek din,
Tan main hain vishwas, poora hai vishwas…

New rhyme for kids…
Eleven Indian cricketers standing in the field,
Eleven Indian cricketers standing in the field,
If one Indian cricketer should get accidentally injured,
Then there’d be ten Indian cricketers standing in the field,
Ten Indian cricketers standing in the field…

Indian cricket players can now be divided into two equal halves:
Between those who have played on the 2011 England tour and those who haven’t.

Desperate measures: Sack the coach, hire a fleet of doctors. Scrap the NCA, build a BCCI Hospital.

Old Saying: Delhi door hai.
New Saying…
Sachin ka sauwa shatak door hai.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Edgbaston Musings…

Same country-coach jinx…
Under New Zealander John Wright, India never beat New Zealand in a Test Series.
Under Australian Greg Chappell India never beat Australia in a Test series*.
Under South African Gary Kirsten, India never beat South Africa in a Test series
Under Zimbabwean Duncan Fletcher, with the way we are playing right now, we might never even beat Zimbabwe in a Test series!

First the England Tail was better than Indian Batting.
Now even the Indian Tail is better than Indian Batting.
Best batting line-up in the world?
Tall Tale!

Whenever the Little Master nears a landmark, we have a string of nervous failures.
After the Landmark, we have a flurry of confident centuries.
How many Landmarks does a man need, before he looks at just the team scoreboard?

If India do lose 0-4, someone should burn the bails and make a New India Ashes.

(*While India never met Australia in a Test series when Chappell was in-charge, we were thrashed by 337 runs in the only Test we played the year he quit.)

(Reference: India-England cricket Test match at Edgbaston from August 10-14)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

A short skit on India’s debacle in England…

Class Teacher Duncan Fletcher aaya…

Students ka haal poocha…

Sehwag: Mere kandhe main dard hai.

Gambhir: Mera haath sujha hua hai.

Zaheer: Mera pair dukh raha hai.

Bhajji: Mere pet main dard hai.

Yuvi: Abhi to main bimari se nikla hu!

Mukund: Main naya hu, kuch samajh main nahin aata.

Ishant-Sreesanth: Itna kabhi bhaage nahin life main, hume rest do.

Raina: Ye sab dekh ke mujhe headache ho raha hai!

Class monitor Dhoni: Mera poora class hi thaka hua hai to main kya karu! Aaj kal mera bhi man hi nahin lagta routine matches main.

Headmaster Shashank Manohar: Naacho! Aur zor se naacho! Naach mere bublbul-o to paise milega, to paise milega…

© Sunil Rajguru

More Trent Bridge Musings…

Bhajji ko series main itne saare runs khaake hajam nahin hua isiliye fourth day ko stomach upset tha.

∙ Tendulkar Mahashatak Trivia No. 23: The bowlers purposely leaked runs to ensure that Sachin would get a large enough target to score his 100th international hundred.

∙ If we lose this Test then Rahul might just gain Sachin’s iconic status. Some may say: We lose every time Dravid scores a century.

∙ Bad performance Reason No. 24: Duncan Fletcher has spent so much time with the English cricket team that he speaks like them. The Indian players sub-consciously think that the enemy is speaking to them and don’t listen to him.

∙ Bad performance Reason No. 27: The Indian cricketers body clock is still set to IST and that’s why they play well till tea after which its bedtime for most. Either that or the English tea simply doesn’t suit them.

∙ If the Indian cricket team were an animal then it would be one with a great body and a lousy tail.

(Reference: India-England cricket Test match at Trent Bridge from July 29-August 2)

© Sunil Rajguru

July 2011 Status Updates

∙ Here’s hoping that the English Lords find Trent a Bridge too far…

(July 29)

∙ Yeddy… (2008)
Steady… (2009)
Go… (2010)
Finally went! (2011)
(Note: UPA still “Steady” in 2011)

(July 28)

∙ Prayer for Kalmadi-type blokes…
Oh God forgive them for they remember not what they have done!

(July 25)

∙ The Congress has finally hit out strongly against terrorism!
(Key: Diggy Raja=Raja Harishchandra. RSS=Terrorists. Slap=Retaliatory Action.)

(July 18)

∙ Somewhere in Wonderland…
Alice Kingsley: I try to believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
Somewhere in India…
Diggy Raja: I try to say as many as six impossible things before the last Press Conference.

(July 12)

∙ In Facebook, you can be a friend without really knowing a person.
You can have a 100 mutual friends despite being absolute strangers.
Like pen friends, what are we?
Mouse friends? Keyboard friends? News Feed friends? Wall friends? Status friends?

∙ Cabinet Reshuffle: DMK eyeing Minister of State for Home.
Reason: All its Ministers have left their Home State for Tihar Jail…
…and prisons come under the above-mentioned ministry.

∙ Emraan Hashmi movies look really good.
Fresh heroines, great songs and different plots.
I probably would have watched all of them had it not been for Emraan Hashmi.

(July 9)

∙ Foreign coach: Never give up on Hope!
First Indian athlete: Woh kya bola re? Accent gadbad hai.
Second Indian athlete: I think… Never give up on dope!

∙ Yesterday: India was a nation of no-hopers in Sports.
Today: It desperately wants to be a nation of no-dopers!

(July 8 )

∙ Trillion Rupee Babies…
Holy Wealth: Padmanabhaswamy Temple
Scam Maker: A Raja
Tax Evader: Hasan Ali
While temples are desi, for the rest, its Indo-Swiss bhai bhai!

(July 7)

∙ Lokpal to be renamed Netapal as it will end up protecting politicians instead of the people.
Corrupt log pal pal bach gaye!

∙ The only “natural” thing for Ghulam Nabi Azad and his government is men having shady deals with other men (MSDM). Any absence of that is a “disease” which has to be cured. Example, Anna Hazare.

(July 5)

∙ The Indian version of Waiting for Godot is Waiting for Lokpal.
Conceived in 1969, yet to be born even in 2011.
Veerappan and Prabhakaran were caught in lesser time.

∙ Like Google+ our politicians should launch a social networking site called Corruption+

(July 4)

∙ Novak is the Serbian word for new.
Djokovic means following after.
Looks like a “New” age of competition will “Follow after” the Federer-Nadal era of monotony.

(July 3)

∙ World cricket is a closed loop.
BCCI = Board of Control of Cricket in ICC.
ICC = India’s Cricket Council.

(July 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

Musings from Trent Bridge…

New cricketing mantras…
Bhajji: Make life Large. (Large bowling averages and Large batting errors)
Dhoni: Make life Different. (Effect unheard of batting collapses and opposition tail onslaughts)
England: Make life Broad. (And then celebrate with Strauss beer)

The new Mr India…
Rahul Dravid. India ko 15 saalo se bacha raha hai, phir bhi koi use dekh hi nahin sakta! Bus doosro ki centuries ki hi padi rahati hai!

Strange Weather…
When its fully cloudy, it rains wickets.
When its sunny, the runs shine.
When its India, a wicket downpour can come from the middle of a beautiful blue sky.

Myth: Lemmings commit mass suicide. If one jumps, the others merely follow.
Fact: On Saturday, Yuvraj Singh became the Prime Lemming of Trent Bridge.

© Sunil Rajguru