March 2011 Status updates

∙ Even when Sachin plays really badly, it’s a Catch-5 situation for Pakistan!

∙ Somehow, I am feeling sorry for the Pakistanis.
Now I want to feel really sorry for the Sri Lankans.

∙ Now showing at World Cup cinema: Pak ko harakar raakh kar doonga!

∙ Sachin Ten(lives)dulkar beats Shayad Afridi & Shayad Ajmal, Miss-bah, Umar Ball-Gul, A Sad Shafique and Wah! Riaz

(March 31)

∙ A prayer for wives who hate cricket…
“May India win the world cup just so that my husband shuts up and doesn’t sulk for the next four years!”

∙ Even Facebook and Twitter are blue today! Go India Blues Go!
(OK, they’re Blue every day, but what the hell!)

∙ Cricket lovers of India unite!
You have nothing to lose but your nerves!

∙ Today is World War 3!
Take shelter at Mohali Stadium or establishments with giant screens or the safety of your home TV room.
May the Gods of electricity, health and victory be with you!
Jai Hind!

∙ Today India is one gigantic pressure cooker.
The whistle is Mohali.
Pake raho!

∙ Imran Khan advised sleeping pills to players “before” Indo-Pak match.
However, losing fans will certainly require them at night “after” the game!

∙ India and Pakistan: Match of life and death.
Rest of World: Match ado about nothing!

∙ Jitna baat kar rahe hai ex cricket players, utna kabhi life main khela bhi nahin hoga!

(March 30)

∙ Indian team. Pak team. Crazy fans from both sides of the border. Manmohan. Gilani. Sonia. Bollywood stars. Other VVIPs… hell the security must be even greater than Obama’s inauguration! Talk of a humble semi-final match in a developing country!

∙ Will patriotic Indian bookies and mafia offer the Pak team tonnes of money to tank the match?

∙ Ha Malik sahab, aap ne bol diya, ab sab ekdum dar gaye, ab koi match-fixing nahin hoga!

(March 29)

∙ All Thoughts Lead to Mohali…

∙ “Oh! India and Pak are meeting in a cricket WC semi-final. OK let’s meet and discuss the fate of two nations.”
No wonder Indo-Pak ties are in such a mess.
What next? Special concessions for the country that wins?

(March 28)

∙ In the 2015 World Cup, if South Africa beat Canada in the quarters, then it would be the greatest upset in the history of cricket!

∙ Cricketing caution: Fire, water and batting powerplays are good servants, but bad masters.

(March 27)

∙ When he came, he was White Knight Manmohan Singh.
Now he’s Black Moneymohan Singh!
Such a long journey…

(March 26)

Yuvi ka Raj hai. Rickety Ponting ka team hai.
Sach is India’s batting form that even bowling Khan do it.
Bring on Pak! Who’s afraid of Afridi?

(March 25)

∙ Indian Airline pilots: Hamare saath bhed kyu? Hamara scam kyu nahin? Aakhir hum bhi to insaan hai!

∙ Out, out champ Aussies! out, I say!—One; two; three titles, why, then ’tis now time to do’t.— Kick them out or all will be murky…

∙ Wonder what Anil Kumble thinks when he’s stuck in a jam at Anil Kumble Cirlce. And will we have an MS Dhoni Road?

(March 24)

∙ Advani’s dream of becoming PM may not have come true, but Manmohan’s nightmare of trying to stay as PM has just begun.

∙ Windies: Your crash or mine?
Pak: Aaj aap ki baari hai.

∙ West Indies cricket died long back.
Looks like today even the ghost is dying.

(March 23)

∙ By the time the Karnataka government is finally brought down, the Election Commission will politely inform the Governor and dissidents that 5 years is up, it was time for polls anyway.

∙ Half the central government is busy taking bribes.
The other half is busy in scam-taint damage control.
Who’s running the nation?

(March 22)

∙ America is always itching to attack some country or other.
They usually get their wish.
Hello Libya!

(March 19)

∙ It’s been going on for so long now that Yedyurappa can officially induct a Dissidence Control Minister.

∙ Unlike Japan, India’s problems are man-made.
A tsunami of scams has rocked the nation, leading to a political meltdown.

(March 18)

• I was playing cricket with my son. I got his wicket, clean bowled.
He stood his ground and challenged me saying, “The ball pitched more that 2.5 metres from the stump!”

• Mulayam: Itna maha corruption faila hua hai ki apan log news se gayab hi ho gaye.
Maya: Chalo, ladai karte hai. Kuch to coverage milega!

• The Sheen has been taken off CBS.

Dus mulko ke commentators cheekh rahe hai aur chilla rahe hain.
Piyush Chawla ko team se hatana mushkil hi nahin namumkin hai.

• Dog: Wag the tail.
US Spinmasters: Wag the dog.
Gaddafi: Wag the whole world.

(March 9)

Pahale Raja gaya Centre se.
Ab jaa raha hain uska band, baja aur baraat.

Next, sab State se bhi jaayenge kya?
Jaya ho!

• Dhoni’s new theme song…
Chawla hoga kaamyaab, Chawla hoga kaamyaab,
Chawla hoga kaamyaab ek din,
Man main hai vishwas poora hai vishwas..

• So Piyush Chawla is the new Ravindra Jadeja.

(March 7)

• Stuck on C.
A for Adarsh. B for Bofors.
C for Congress. C for Corruption. C for CVC. C for CWG. C for CBI cases. C for Cricket Scandals. C for Court (Supreme). C for Chief Justice rebuke. C for Chavan revelations. C for…

• Bofors case closed.
Makes sense. Just Rs 64 crores kickback.
Who has time for anything less than Rs 1000 crores nowadays anyway?
(Plus more than Rs 64 crores must have been spent on probes so far.)

• Now showing worldwide: The King’s Speech.
Now showing in India: The Prime Minister’s Speech.

• So Charlie Sheen is the half man in Two and a half men.

(March 5)

• EC should not ban TN colour TVs to the people.
Grassroots democracy at its finest…
Bribes reaching the common man.

• Gaddafi is currently leading a revolution among despots…

• So currently quizmaster Derek O’Brien is not the most famous O’Brien in India.

(March 3)

• Cricket update:
India-England tie-tie
UDRS hai-hai!
Ticket Dreams bye-bye
BCC(I)CC bhai-bhai
…Match-fixing die-die!

• You don’t have to be an Alice to be in Wonderland.
Being a Gadaffi will do quite nicely!

(March 2)

© Sunil Rajguru

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