Priyanka is coming, coming, coming…

No story!
No problem, just fabricate…
Priyanka to join politics?
Next day…
Priyanka rubbishes rumours of her joining politics.
Final analysis: Two stories for the price of none!

The headline that never goes away…
1998: Will Priyanka join politics?
1999: Will Priyanka join politics?
2004: Will Priyanka join politics?
2009: Will Priyanka join politics?
2014: Will Priyanka join politics?
2019: Will Priyanka join politics?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The US influence on Iraq…

US troops to pull out of Afghanistan.
Obama: Why don’t you stop over at Iraq on your way back?

1980s: Iran contra affair.
1990s: Gulf War.
2000s: Iraq invasion.
2010s: Air strikes.
US to Iraq: Influencing your life every decade.

If you’re a good ally of the US (like Pakistan) or an enemy (like Iraq), you face ruin.
Better to be ambivalent like China and India and prosper.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

India’s glorious Bharat Ratna…

If you become the first person in the history of the world to climb Mount Everest, you get India’s third highest award, the Padma Bhushan.
(Tenzing Norgay)

If you lead your army to the most decisive war in your country’s history and liberate a brand new country, you get India’s second highest award, the Padma Vibhushan.
(Field Marshal Sam Manekshaw)

Wow, that means all the people who won India’s highest award, the Bharat Ratna, must be the greatest people who ever walked this Earth!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Alternative careers for sinking Congress leaders…

Rahul Gandhi: Fashion model.

Priyanka Vadra: Brand Ambassador to the real estate industry.

Sonia Gandhi: Permanent Ambassador to Italy.

Digvijay Singh: Conspiracy theory TV host.

Shashi Tharoor: Sonia’s official biographer.

Natwar Singh: Regular author, challenger to Chetan Bhagat.

Sushil Kumar Shinde: Successor to Ahmed Patel.

Kapil Sibal: Back to Full-time lawyer defending umpteen Congress scams.

Manish Tewari: Anchor of TV channel Congress Now challenging Arnab.

Abhishek Manu Singhvi: TV reality show participant.

Mani Shankar Aiyar: Rajiv Gandhi’s official biographer, series of many books.

Jairam Ramesh: Pappu’s official biographer.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Sinking Nehru-Gandhi dynasty musings…

Pappugiri: Frivolous part-time politics which has more sound than substance.
Soniagiri: Claiming great power with zero responsibility.
Manmohangiri: Maungiri.

Just one man’s voice heard in Parliament: Pappu.
Congressman: True, unlike our party, where just one woman’s voice is heard.

President for a whopping 16 years and goodness knows for how much longer.
They should just rename it to Congress (Sonia).

The Pappu model…
Give speech.
Go on leave.
Give interview.
Go on leave.
Attend meeting.
Go on leave.
Tear up paper.
Go on leave.
Talk empowerment.
Go on leave.
Shout in Lok Sabha…

© Sunil Rajguru

Of half-girlfriends…

When Half Girlfriend will be released in Bangalore, it will be called By Two Girlfriend.
In Mumbai it will be called Cutting Girlfriend.

Chetan Bhagat’s books….
0.5. Girlfriend.
1. Night at a Call Centre.
2. States.
3. Mistakes of my Life.
4 (Coming Soon).
5. Point Someone.
6, 7, 8, 9, ………….. 2020 Revolution.

In the sequel to Half Girlfriend, the two will get married and it will be called Better Half.

If Chetan Bhagat wrote books on Pappu’s life…
Zero Point No-one.
One Night at a Day Care Centre.
2 States of His Mind: Dumb and Dumber.
The One Mistake of Sonia’s Political Life.
Revolution in 2020 (Post loss in 2019).
Half President.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Sinking Congressi musings…

Probably the only major Congress shake-up that Sonia wants to do is to make Pappu Senior Vice President and Pappini Junior Vice President.

Pappu: Should I put more fire into my political ambitions?
A: No, you should put your political ambitions in the fire!
#NatwarSingh #FireInTheBelly

After 1947, Congress won the first general election of every decade…
Winning streak broken in 2014.

After 16 years as Congress President, Sonia has delivered 44 seats.
If the Congress doesn’t get its act together, after 21 years she will have 21 seats.

Congress picks dead leader in poll panel.
What else can you expect from a dead party?

2004: Pappu prevents Sonia from becoming PM.
2009: Manmohan wins 2009.
Analysis: Pappu through his foresight won 2009 in 2004.

PMO files never sent to Sonia: Manmohan.
P.S. This answer was sent in a file to her and she okayed it.

2009: (Manmohan) Singh is King.
2014: (Natwar) Singh is King.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

News in Limericks 7

There was this dude called Obama,
Who go the peace prize hey baba!
On peace how he did talk!
But he couldn’t walk the talk,
Palestine, Af-Pak, ISIS, Syria, Iraq…—What a world panorama!

There was this dude called Modi,
While campaigning there was a coverage OD,
But when he became PM,
He changed his stratagem,
And now TV channels are facing cold turkey.

There was this dude called Natwar,
Who suddenly shed all his dynastic darr,
He attacked the Queen Bee,
And little Pappu—yes even he,
And all the Congressmen are going grrrrrr!!!!!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The irony of it all…

A day will come when every person in the world will have a PC.
IBM: OK, let’s exit the PC business.

A day will come when every person in the world will have a camera.
Kodak: That didn’t stop us from getting bankrupt.

A day will come when every person in the world will have a mobile.
Nokia: Will we be around by then?

A day will come when every person in the world will check email on their mobile.
Blackberry: We saw that, but no-one’s seeing us anymore!

© Sunil Rajguru

July 2014 Status Updates

Cook: I doubt my captaincy and batting.
Ali: I doubt my spin.
Bell: I doubt everything after the Ashes whitewash
Team India: Don’t worry, we’ll help you all!

When an Indian batsman hits a century, he thinks he can relax for 10 matches.
When Team India wins an overseas Test, it thinks it can relax for 10 matches.

(July 31)

Sir, acche din kab aane wale hai?
Modi: Arre! Mere aur mere party ke to kab ke aa gaye!
Aap ko bas thoda intezar karna padega!

Bihar’s new Trimurti…
Congress: Creator of State’s problems.
Laloo: Destroyer of Bihar.
Nitish: Preserver of the above two.

Dabangg Salman…
His story writers need a huge Kick, but his fans are ever Ready to watch him.
If you criticize him, you’ll need a Bodyguard.

What is the capital of Israel?
Israeli: Jerusalem.
Palestinian: Tel Aviv.
When you can’t even agree on that, what chance peace talks?

(July 30)

Choices for Congress President…
Bad: Sonia.
Worse: Pappini Vadra.
Worst: Pappu.
Dare to think beyond the dynasty?

Indian citizens want a new slogan…
Saste din aane wale hai!

(July 29)

Most Indians starting blasting Manmohan some 7 years after he took over as Prime Minister.
Many didn’t give Modi even 7 days.

South Africa played a great knock of 159 off 111 to become ICC No. 1.
(Not 159 runs off 111 balls in an ODI.
But 159 runs off 111 overs to draw a Test.)
#SAVsSL #Colombo

(July 28)

Narasimha Rao Liberalized India.
Manmohan took full credit.
Sonia Lobotomized India.
This time, Manmohan refused (dis)credit.

(July 25)

At the stroke of midnight on August 14, 1947, all Pakistanis had been born in India.
Aur agar apne hi Janmabhoomi ko gaali dete rahoge to yahi haal hoga desh ka.

When a man who married an Italian can become Prime Minister without ever contesting an election, why can’t a woman who married a Pakistani be a Brand Ambassador? Too much fuss.

(July 24)

Currently Rohit Sharma thinking…
I underperform for 6 years and stay in the team.
I hit an ODI 209 + Test 177 and I’m out of the team in 6 months!
#IndVsEng #Lords

Fact of the day…
Of the 11 Indian team players, Virat Kohli has faced the least amount of balls in the England Test series so far.

(July 23)

Throwing BRICS at the World Bank.
#NDB #NewDevelopmentBank

(July 19)

Sourav Ganguly.
Entertaining as a batsman.
Entertaining as a captain.
Entertaining as a commentator.

(July 18)

They think that any controversy with Vedic or Vaidik in it has to be the BJP’s fault.

Post Lok Sabha polls…
Love him or hate him you simply can still ignore him.

(July 16)

Not German footballers.
Not Brazilian footballers.
It appears that the Brazilian fans are the most famous people of FIFA 2014.
Thousands of miserable fan photos are still circulating millions of times.

(July 10)

99% Tweets/articles blasting Brazil.
Just 1% praising Germany.

Hamas: We are defending ourselves.
Israel: We are defending ourselves.
Moral of the story: In West Asia, Defence is the best form of Offence.

(July 9)

Queen Sonia.
OHMS: On Her Majesty’s Service.
Despite 44 Lok Sabha seats and National Herald scam, they are still strongly defending her.

(July 4)

I think by now every second Bollywood producer, director, hero, heroine, villain, comedian… has a Rs 100 Crore hit.

(July 2)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru