Monthly Archives: November 2011

Cape Town Collapso musings

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∙ How do you boil an egg in Cape Town?
A: You put water and an egg in a pan, put on the flame and wait for 9 Aussie wickets to fall.

∙ You may have heard of 2-in-1s and 3-in-1s.
Well they’ve just launched 4-in-1s in cricket.
At least one ball of all four Test innings was bowled in a day.

∙ Pakistan match-fixers are studying the tremendous Australian collapse for tips on how to do it better in the future.

∙ When an Aussie fan heard that his team was 21/9, he thought that a new T10 tournament had been launched.

∙ Today Australia joins the League of Extraordinary Collapsers which already boasts of West Indies, Pakistan and India as their members.

∙ It’s being called Australia’s greatest fight back in their history.
The last wicket put on 124% of the runs put on by the first nine wickets combined.
(21/9 to 47 all down)

∙ Today the ICC has decided to launch a new team called Michael Clarke. Here are the scores across two innings…
Michael Clarke: 153 All Down
Australia: 178 All Down
(Close)

∙ Let’s round it off with some bakwaas shaayari…
Ye pitch nahin ditch hai,
History nahin mystery hai,
Michael Clarke nahin Clarke Kent hai,
Ten Wickets nahin Nine Pins hai…

Reference: First Test, Australia-South Africa at Cape Town (November 9).

© Sunil Rajguru

Sachin Mahashatak musings…

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(Mahashatak = Sachin Tendulkar’s 100th International Century)

∙ It has been 243 days since Sachin last scored a century.
At this rate, he will celebrate two birthdays in 2012.
One is on April 24 when he turns 38.
But before that will be March 12, when the Mahashatak Quest turns One!

∙ Crore-o logon ki nazar Sachin ke Mahashatak par hain.
Aila, nazar lag gayi!

∙ Sachin ka sauwa shatak gaya tel lene has a new meaning with some people speculating that petrol prices will touch Rs 100 a litre before the Mahashatak happens!

∙ Someone please organize a Bangladesh-Zimbabwe-India ODI triangular series and Sachin can score his 100th ton and we all can quietly move on in life and cricket.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Thak Thak Chutkule 5

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Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Mamata.
Mamata kaun.
Ma’m Tata bolegi government ko agar aise hi petrol ke daam badte rahenge!

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Advani.
Advani kaun?
Adva-nahin, nahin, nahin! Ye Rashtra Swayam bol raha hain Sangh ko…

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Shiv.
Shiv kaun.
Shivnarine Chanderpaul hu main aur bharatiya nahin, par bharatiya cricket na nemesis hu.

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Berlusconi.
Berlusconi kaun?
Berlus-kaun-nahin bolo, maine life main sabki bajayi hai!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Knock Knock Jokes 10

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Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
R.
R who?
R Ashwin here. Bhajji, open the door and let me in. I want to take your place!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
P.
P who?
P Chidambaram here. Raja, don’t open the door. I don’t want to join you?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
BSY.
BSY who?
BSY the free man that’s who? Get ready Sadanand, I’m still looking at your chair!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Khan.
Khan who?
Khant break the domestic box office records of the other Khans. Damn!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Intercepted: Global nuclear correspondence

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Dear Arab World,
We shall soon have a nuke to even out matters in this region.
Regards,
Iran

Dear America,
You have thousands of nukes (everyone knows that!) and we have hundreds (an open secret), but if Iran gets hold of even one nuke, then that will destabilize the whole region and ultimately the whole world. We are looking at nuclear Armageddon!
Regards,
Israel

Dear Israel,
You are right! We can’t have that, now can we, especially considering the fact that our President won the Nobel Prize for Peace!
Regards,
America
P.S. Did you check out our cool new slogan: Drone Deaths Bring Peace, Give Peace a Chance!

Dear Iran,
Don’t listen to the world. We have dozens of nukes thanks to which we have self-pride, independence, stability, security and the whole world (including that damn “India”) fears us! Just go for it!
Regards,
Pakistan
P.S. Don’t worry about the rumours that the US will seize our nukes. There’s absolutely no chance of that. All our nukes are hidden so safely that even we are not sure about all of them.

Dear World,
We also have nukes, but I don’t think that really has made any difference to anyone whatsoever.
Regards through a joint declaration,
France, England, India

Dear World,
We have nukes, but we later realized that Capitalism trumps Communism any day. We are screwing America financially. The banknote is mightier than the nuke!
Regards,
China

Dear World,
Who are all you blokes? I don’t know who you are. I don’t recognize even one amongst seven billion of you.
Regards,
God.

© Sunil Rajguru

How to organize a TV debate in India…

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Step 1: Take one obnoxious self-centred anchor who talks more than he or she listens and loves pissing everyone off.

Step 2: If it’s a political debate, then take two politicians from opposite parties and two journalists affiliated to the very same parties for variety. Don’t forget to keep out sane, neutral and erudite voices. For non-political debates make sure you use the Usual Suspects. All TV channels tap exactly the same Speaker Talent Pool.

Step 3: In the ticker below, display yesterday’s Twitter messages of the same ole 5-6 accounts that you are aware of. Repeat this collection a few dozen times.

Step 4: Stick to the golden principle of: He who shouts the most speaks the longest.

Step 5: Never forget that the anchor has more powers than a football referee. He or she can cut anyone in mid-sentence as many times as he or she wants and take the discussion to any ridiculous level that he or she pleases.

Step 6: Let the shouting continue till the dying seconds of the programme and cut it abruptly giving the impression that this debate had so much substance that it could easily have lasted a few more meaningful hours.

© Sunil Rajguru