Scene of the crime: The Facebook status message.
Accessories to the crime: 3, in the form of Likes.
Witnesses: All the 456 Friends.
Evidence tampering? Yes, if the status is subsequently deleted or the Like is Unliked.
Criminal: The virtual form of so and so.
Arrest under: Section 66A of the IT Act.
Crime: The Status was “annoying”.
© Sunil Rajguru
· Spot the difference…
4-year-old on December 31: Mommy, the calendar has ended, is the world coming to an end?
A few thousand adults on December 21: God, the Mayan calender has ended, is the world coming to an end?
· Prediction: The world will come to an end in Year 2012.
Earth: Actually, I am at Year 4.54 billion.
· Explanation of the December 21 phenomenon…
The Earth, which is billions of years old, is secretly conspiring to end things on an aritificially created date first calculated by the Mayans 2760 years ago and then interpreted by people who have absolutely no understanding of logic, science, the universe, the Earth or even the Mayan civilization that they are quoting.
· Rumour: The Earth is commiting suicide on December 22 because it is totally sick and tired of the human race.
© Sunil Rajguru
• Indian Test team needs FDI. Needs to include 4 foreign players like an IPL team to remain internationally competitive.
• GB Shaw remixed: Cricket is a game played by 22 fools, watched by 22,000 spectators, followed by 22 crore people on TV and has probably generated 22 billion useless status messages by now.
• Dravid and Laxman have ruined it forever. After Eden 2001, fans always believe we can make a comeback from the most hopeless of situations.
• Even myths on decline…
Sachin scored only two Test 50s in 2012.
India lost both matches.
New myth: Whenever Sachin scores a 50, we lose.
• Pitches fast, flat ya ho spinning,
India can just forget about winning.
• Waiting for the day when the BCCI will ban the ICC for not following its rules.
• In 1675 Captain Cook discovered the South Sandwich Islands.
In 2012, Captain Cook converted the Indian attack into a Sandwich and had it for lunch as India went South.
• Na Vir hoke khele, na Gambhirta se khele, koi Virat score nahin, Sachi’ main ab Bharat cricket ka Yuvraj bhi nahin… That’s the Mahi Way.
• BCCI is fighting for money, Dhoni is fighting against curators, Sachin is fighting age, Sehwag is fighting his instincts, Bhajji is fighting for his form, Yuvi is fighting for a permanent place, Rahane is fighting to get in, Fletcher is still fighting to establish himself… Who is fighting England?
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
• Only in India: A party playing minority politics calls itself secular (Congress), a party with an ultra-Left outlook calls itself anti-Left (TMC), a party that championed reforms is opposing FDI (BJP) and a party which bemoans the caste system uses caste as its sole idenitiy (BSP).
• Sonia: If only I could speak like her. Sushma: If only I had her power.
Rahul: If only I had his personality. Modi: If only I had his destiny.
• Communal BJP is opposing FDI.
Therefore FDI becomes secular.
Hence it should be supported.
• The Congress started the Swadeshi Movement in 1905 and the Videshi Movement in 1991.
• Group A: Best Hindi orator Sushma + Best English orator Jaitley + Popular PM choice Modi + Best CM Nitish.
—Will lose in the elections to—
Group B: Sonia can’t speak for nuts + Rahul can’t think for nuts + Manmohan can’t govern for nuts.
Welcome to India. Barack Obama would lose his deposit here.
• The UPA is a lame duck government, but it still manages to give a solid kick with its good leg.
• When a secular wants to criticize a Muslim, he criticizes a Hindu first to show balance.
When Arvind Kejriwal wants to attack the Congress, he attacks the BJP first to show balance.
• England has the concept of Shadow Prime Minister.
India has the concept of Shadow Allies. (SP & BSP)
• Sholay, FDI remix: SP-BSP apne MPs se kehti hai, bhaag ja warna communalism aa jayega.
• Hamaam main sab nanga. Sirf main kapde pahan ke nahata hu: Arvind Kejriwal.
• Our netas understanding of issues…
Q: FDI kya hai?
SP: BJP.
Q: Nahin, iska matlab kya hai?
SP: Communalism.
Q: Matlab, support kyun nahi kar rahe?
SP: BJP.
Q: Matlab, danger kya hai?
SP: Communalism.
Q: To phir abstain karke pass kyun karwaya?
SP: BJP aur communalism.
• Congress party ke do hai rakshak,
Hamesha bachate hai, bhale hi kare pahale bakbak,
Maya Didi aur Mulayam Chacha, hai koi shak?
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
∙ Sachin. Then: Bold. Now: Bowled. Then: Aala re! Now: Gela re!
∙ 2010: You simply can’t joke about Sachin.
2011: Did you hear the joke about Sachin?
2012: Sachin is a joke.
∙ Yesterday: Who has the guts to bowl right now? Sachin is here!
Today: Who wants a wicket? Sachin is here!
∙ If Sachin is God, then atheism is the fastest growing movement in Indian cricket right now.
∙ Mahashatak kab aayega? Woh kab retire hoga?
90% coverage in media in the last 2 years.
10% actual coverage for his game.
∙ The Little Master is getting littler and littler with every innings.
∙ 1989-2011, Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the greatest of them all? You my Lord Sachin!
2012, Mirror: I don’t know about you, but I feel old!
∙ In 2014…
Manmohan will retire and Rahul will make his debut.
Advani will retire and Modi will become shadow PM.
Sachin will retire and Arjun will make his debut.
∙ What will be Sachin’s last score in Tests?
50!
50 runs?
No age 50!
∙ Sachin to decide when to retire: Board.
My retirement decision with board: Sachin.
Ye pahale aap, pahale aap main aur do saal nikal jaayenge.
∙ Quote: Change must come from within.
Sachin: Retirement must come from within.
∙ Sachin favourite to grab 2-minute noodle brand ambassadorship from Rohit.
(Ref: Batsman goes in to bat, boil noodles. Batsman gets out, noodles ready.)
∙ When the match will be played in Delhi…
Rajya Sabha is adjourned till we have Sachin. He’s coming, he’s just gone into bat!
∙ The circle of life…
Sachin made his debut when he was 16.
Sachin will retire when his son turns 16.
∙ Bowlers on Sachin then and now…
1989: Ye baccha kaha se bat karega?
2012: Ye buddha kaha se bat karega?
∙ Sachin has enough time to bat in Mumbai and catch a plane to attend the RS session in Delhi on the same day. This is how he can balance two careers.
∙ Sachin defence argument #23…
How many MPs do you know who have scored even one international run?
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
∙ Egypt’s journey, 1922 to now…
Imperial Dictatorship to Royal Dictatorship to Military Dictatorship to Civil Dictatorship.
(November 28)
∙ FDI = Finally DMK In.
∙ 2014 main UPA ka hat-trick ball aa raha hai. Lag gaya to BJP clean bowled, all down aur retire ho jaayega.
∙ Arvind Kejriwal: Mere paas paisa hai, shaurat hai, scoops hai, support hai, political party hai, 24X7 media coverage hai, tere paas kya hai?
Kiran Bedi: Mere paas Anna hai!
(November 27)
∙ After Kejriwal’s “Mango people” Aam Admi Party, banana republican Vadra will probably want to launch Kela Logon ka Political Dal or KLPD.
∙ Kejriwal’s party is Aam Aadmi Party or AAP.
Other parties not impressed, say…
AAP yaha aaye kis liye? AAP ka kuch nahin ho sakta!
(November 24)
∙ Egypt’s many springs…
1922 Spring: Britishers ousted. 1953 Spring: Monarchy ousted. 2011 Arab Spring: Dictatorship ousted. 2012 protests: Another spring?
∙ Pre-1947: Congress fought war of Independence against the British.
Now: Congress fighting war of Independence against CAG, CEC, courts and all Independent bodies.
∙ RP Singh’s economy rate: -1.74 lakh crore Rupees.
Wickets: 1, Vinod Rai. Or so says Third Umpire Congress.
∙ Indian team main ek RP Singh fast bowler tha.
CAG team main ek RP Singh spinner hai.
(November 23)
∙ Trust Arvind Kejriwal to spoil Congress’ 26/11 party.
NSG = “Not So Great” treatment of our heroes.
(November 22)
∙ After hanging Kasab, there’s one less Pakistani terrorist, we’ve helped our neighbour. But the number of Indian criminals remains exactly the same.
(November 21)
∙ Fiscal cliff. Republican partisan mountain. Iran nuke canyon. Petraeus gorge. Israeli ties plateau. Afghan precipice. China currency fault lines…. Rocky second term for Barack Obama.
(November 16)
∙ Rahul Gandhi=Peter Pan of India. Never grows up. Ungrounded: Flies in the air. Looks like he believes in magic. Doesn’t live in India, but his own Neverland.
(November 14)
∙ Adpapers: The Ads of India. Adistan Times. The Ad.
Ad channels: AdTV. CNN-AdBN. Ads Now. Ads 24X7.
Adazines: Adlook. Ads Today. Adfare.
(November 11)
∙ Congress leaders are absolute masters of the PDA: Public Display of Arrogance.
∙ Right now the time is 10.18 AM and the date is 11-11-2012. This happens only once in eternity. Wow!
∙ If there’s a right-wing Hindu within your office network, is he called an Intranet Hindu?
∙ Kejriwal has shamed them!
Khurshid: A sub-1 crore scam!
Vadra: I’m nothing in front of Raja!
Ambani: Rs 100 crore! Never seen such a low amount!
(November 9)
∙ Politicians are doing the role of businessmen and businessmen that of politicians.
Activists are doing the role of journalists and journalists that of PR professionals.
∙ Indian Railways’ Cursed Ticketless Corporation.
∙ 2012 sounded more like the second coming of Christ than the election of the US President.
∙ Maybe the Times of India can come out with a main edition called Ads and a supplement called News.
(November 9)
∙ Chinese leadership change slogans…
Change the party can believe in.
Audacity of hopelessness.
One couple one child zero vote.
No you can’t!
∙ 1971: Ram ka naam badanaam na karo.
2012: Radha ka naam badanaam na karo.
∙ Like Naughty@40, LK Advani is PMHopeAlive@85.
∙ LK Advani still blows out all the candles of his birthday cake, closes his eyes and wishes to be Prime Minister.
(November 8)
∙ The 3 Holy Ss of India…
Sonia—cannot be investigated.
Sachin—cannot be questioned.
Scam accused—cannot be convicted.
∙ Old biblical saying… And the meek shall inherit the Earth.
Ancient Indian saying… And the corrupt shall inherit the land.
∙ Old: Ek machhar aadmi ko hijda bana deta hai.
New: Ek Tweet aadmi ko criminal bana deta hai.
(November 1)
© Sunil Rajguru