September 2011 Status Updates

Aal Izz Well?
Really? Howz that?
There’s no Rancho is UPA2.

Sonia’s mystery illness discovered.
She’s totally sick of the cancer of corruption and the virus of party infighting.
Still unwell as cure nowhere in sight.

(September 30)

Breaking News: The news related to 2G has already been broken and broken down so many times that is has turned into a fine powder to surround the very air, sorry spectrum, around us like an invisible mist.

The Congress is now planning a DND against the Opposition, Civil Society and Common Citizen till 2014.

An astrologer told Manmohan in 2009 that his Rajyog would continue till 2014.
On rechecking the note in 2011, it actually said ‘Raja’yog.

2G ghotala Rule No. 23…
Chidambaram’s Bureau of Investigation cannot investigate Chidambaram.
How dare you ask?

The Government has realized the error of Rs 32 per day as a poverty line.
The new amount is Rs 4.20.
That way poverty will be eradicated from India forever.
Ho gaya Bharat Nirman!
Jao sab ameer log ghar jaake so jao!

The cash for votes scam story till now…
Accept bribe. Go to jail.
Arrange bribe. Go to jail.
Expose bribe. Go to jail.
Give bribe… em… nobody gave the bribe!

Will the Judicial Accountability Bill cover reality show judges?
Most of them are horrendous and have no judging talent whatsoever.

Flash: India has just been declared a Developed Country.
That’s thanks to the Rs 33 per day “rich” quota and Paris Hilton’s generosity.
In fact we are doing so well that New Delhi will be renamed New Paris.

Mausam review…
Serendipity meets Ayodhya and drags on till Godhra…

Jab tak Sooraj Chand rahega,
Dev Anand ka flop film rahega…
(I think he has had just one superhit after I was born).

The Government is dead.
Please observe 2-minute silence.
As for Manmohan, he’s observing a 2-year silence.

In India, a human life is worth less that Rs 27.
With Rs 33 however, it becomes rich.
The mathematics never adds up in real life.

(September 27)

To aakhir PC ko bhi Corruption Virus lag hi gaya.
Sonia bimaar. Rahul Baba pareshan. Aadhi Janta Tihar main.
Sirf MMS hi immune lag raha hai…

(September 26)

Even after retirement, Shoaib Akhtar has the ability to chuck, land no balls and beamers!
Enough Free Hits for his critics and detractors.
Controversially Yours = Predictably Yours.

(September 24)

The Metro Monsoon song…
Shanghai-Singapore nahin,
to Venice hi sahin,
Ye hai Delhi-Mumbai ji,
Kyunki baarish hui hain abhi abhi…

A Time of Healing is on the horizon in Indian cricket.
Soon fatigue will be forgotten and small injuries brushed under the carpet.
This Time of Healing is also known as the Champions League.

(September 17)

The way Federer was continously Nadalized in the past, Nadal is totally Novaked out these days!

(September 13)

Old Saying: Delhi door hai.
New Saying: Sachin ka sauwa shatak door hai.

The UPA Government has also done a great deal of good.
It’s just a Kabhi Schemes Kabhi Scams type of Government.

We are all perennial teachers.
We are all perennial students.
Happy Teacher’s Day, to everyone, from everyone!

Dear Anna Hazare,
Happy Teacher’s Day,
Warm regards,
The BJP.
(P.S. You sure did teach the Congress a good lesson!)

(September 5)

© Sunil Rajguru

2G musings…

Of course Manmohan has a magic wand to end corruption…
Jajajantaram Mamantaram Chidambaram…
Voila! He’s innocent!

World’s best boss…
Court: Why can’t you investigate him?
CBI: But I just gave him the World’s Best Boss Award!
Where is it now?
PC: I gave the award to MMS!
MMS: And I gave it to Madam!
Madam: And I’m saving it for beta!

2 be or not 2 be…
This year, Manmohan Singh completed 20 years as a politician.
So the 2decade old politico, the 2nd most powerful person in India into his 2nd term is leading a 2nd string government thanks to the 2G scam…
…and UPA2G has been reduced to a Tu Tu Main Main slanging match all round.
Touche!
What will Hamlet Singh do now?

Meanwhile, singing is heard in two party headquarters, one by an 83-year-old man and one by a 41-year-old youth…
Hum honge Pradhan Mantri, hum honge Pradhan Mantri ek din,
Ho ho ho ho,
Man main hain vishwas, poora hai vishwas…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Old Manmohan had a farm…

(Please sing to the tune of “Old MacDonald had a farm”)

Old Manmohan had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o,
And on that farm he had some Telecos, ee-i-ee-i-o,
With a scam scam here and a scam there,
Here a scam, there a scam, everywhere a scam scam,
Old Manmohan had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o.

Old Manmohan had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o,
And on that farm he had some Games, ee-i-ee-i-o,
With a scam scam here and a scam there,
Here a scam, there a scam, everywhere a scam scam,
Old Manmohan had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o.

Old Manmohan had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o,
And on that farm he had some Land, ee-i-ee-i-o,
With a scam scam here and a scam there,
Here a scam, there a scam, everywhere a scam scam,
Old Manmohan had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o.

(Funny how everything makes the same ole sound in clean and honest Manmohan’s beleagured farm!)

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 6…

∙ Employee to colleague: Teri salary five-figure hai ya six figures?
Politician to colleague: Tera scam eleven-figure hai ya twelve figures?

∙ First spy: What happened to the bugs in the PM’s office?
Second spy: We had to remove them.
First spy: Why? You got caught?
Second spy: No. He doesn’t open his mouth even in front of the bugs!

∙ Uncle: Kaunsa mobile connection hai beta?
Boy: 2G.
Uncle: Kyun ye corrupt technology use kar rahe ho? 3G kyun nahin lete ho?

Yesterday…
Son: Mummy, I have decided to keep a fast.
Mother: Wonderful!
Today
Son: Mummy, I have decided to keep a fast.
Mother: How dare you join the RSS without my permission!

∙ Congress Spokesman: The BJP is irrelevant. The Opposition is irrelevant. The people’s protests are irrelevant. Anna Hazare and Baba Ramdev are irrelevant. The Congress is the only totalitarian single party that matters. We are the absolute authorities. (And by the way, Anna, Baba, BJP, RSS and all are nothing but Fascists)

Yesterday…
Editor to colleague: Get the obituaries of Baba and Anna ready. They are going in for a fast unto death.
Today...
Editor to colleague: Have you got the obituary for the Lokpal Bill ready?

Yesterday…
Pranab: God! This BJP is bugging me.
God! This RSS is bugging me.
God! This Anna Hazare is bugging me.
God! This Baba Ramdev is bugging me.
Today…
Pranab: It has come to this that I don’t even know who is bugging me anymore!

© Sunil Rajguru

First DMK, then ADMK, now ARDMK…

New party launched in Tamil Nadu called ARDMK.

ARDMK stands for…

Andimuthu Raja Dayanidhi Maran Kanimozhi party.

Motto: United by 2G and unfettered by zeroes.

Strengths: Unlimited funds.

Ideology: Totally mobile across any political spectrum.

Qualifications:
Engineered Independent India’s biggest ever exposed scam. All founders chargesheeted and two jailed.

Future Outlook: Waiting for the famous Tamil Nadu anti-incumbency in 2016, by which time all chargesheets, jailings and scams would have been forgotten.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Modern bakwaas shayari…

Hum bhi kabhi sub-editor the,
Kanimozhi bhi kabhi sub-editor thi!
Hum hain gareeb par azaad,
Woh hain Arabpati magar qaid…
Chalo, filaal yahi sahi!

Ghalib bhi shayar tha,
Kanimozhi bhi shayar kahalati,
Ghalib aur shayari dono gaye tel lene,
Ab paisa hi kavita hain…
Paisa hi nagma hain…
Paisa hi shayar hain…
Paisa hi shayar ki shayari…

Waise sabsa bada ameer to hain Mahatma Gandhi,
Lakhon nahin…
Crore-o nahin…
Arabo nahin…
Kharabo ke note-o ke dher pe muskura rahe hain,
Note gora ho ya kaala,
Paise ka hain bol baala!

This version by Sunil Rajguru