Today’s random musings…

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Look up and look down…
Vijay Mallya (Looking up): Can someone please bail me out?
Manmohan Singh (Looking up): Can someone please bail my government out?
Barack Obama (Looking up): Can someone please bail my country out?
God (Looking down): Can someone please bail me out of handling these humans?

The Modern Day Descartes
The Economy: I sink therefore I am.
Anna Hazare: I drink therefore I… Bam!
Indian Politician: I hoodwink therefore I am.
Social Media Enthusiast: I hyperlink therefore I am.

Differences in perspective
Rahul Gandhi on his “Join the poor” road show to a chaiwallah: Ek “By two” chai dena!
Mayawati to the Centre: Ek “By four” State dena!

The Law of Diminishing Returns
Rahul to Maya: Main tere tukde tukde kar doonga…
Maya to UP: Main tere tukde tukde kar doongi…
Rahul: Kya mujhe sirf ek tukda mil sakta hai?

Democracy versus Mobocracy
How many people does it take to elect a government in Egypt?
—30-40 million in a nationwide ballot.
How many people does it take to topple a government in Egypt?
—1 million at Tahrir Square!

Abbreviated governance…
BJP: 2G!
UPA: JPC!
BJP: CAG!
UPA: PAC!
BJP: PC!
UPA: CBI!

Spot the difference…
What’s the difference between Rahul Gandhi and LK Advani?
—Both want to be prime minister and are perpetually touring the country to achieve their ends, the only difference is that Rahul is Rathless.

Downright abysmal PJ of the day…
India without Kashmir will be like a headless chicken going Pak Pak Pak Pak PoK PoK PoK PoK…

© Sunil Rajguru

Absolutely faaltu, meaningless and disjointed statistics…

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Number of People killed by Ghosts every year: Practically Zero
Number of People scared by Ghosts every year: Millions

Maximum number of People killed by Sharks in a single modern year: 11
Number of Sharks killed by People in the modern world: Billions

Number of People who theoretically can be Vegetarians if they want to: All 7 Billion
Number of People who would rather be Non-vegetarians and kill Trillions of living beings: Billions

Number of People who are “believed” to have seen God: Dozens
Number of People who actually believe in the existence of God: Billions
Number of People killed directly or indirectly in the name of God in History: Billions

Number of People killed by People in the history of man“kind”: Tens of Billions

Key takeaways…
…ghosts are real… sharks are monsters… God exists and is our benevolent protector… man is a civilized, sophisticated and highly evolved intelligent being that is the most superior life form on this planet and maybe even in the universe…

© Sunil Rajguru

Jab Yuvraj Uttar Pradesh ko bachane chale the…

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Yuvraj: Ab main Uttar Pradesh ke baare main baat karunga…

(Par kuch log use bolne hi nahin dete…)

Pahala Prashna: UP se pahala Pradhan Mantri kaun bana tha?

Yuvraj: Errr… mere pardada…

Doosra Prashna: Aur aapki dadi kahan se chun ke aayi thi?

Yuvraj: Errr… UP…

Teesra Prashna: 1984 main kaunsa Pradhan Mantri Uttar Pradesh se chun ke aaye the aur saare Lok Sabha ke seats le gaye the?

Yuvraj: Errr… mere papa…

Chautha Prashna: Aap aur Sonia kahan se chunav jeet ke aaye hain?

Yuvraj: Errr… UP… par woh sab chhodiye, mujhe ye rajya sirf dus saal ke liye deejiye…

Paanchva Prashna: Congress ne UP main kitne saal raj kiya?

Yuvraj: Errr… lagbhag  paitees saal… par woh sab chhodiye… Mayawati galat hain…

Chhatha Prashna: To sahi kya hain? Aapka vision kya hain? Strategy kya hai?

Yuvraj: Errr… koi vision nahin, koi strategy bhi nahin aur sahi kya hai main nahin jaanta, main sirf itna jaanta hu ki aap please please bheek mat mangiye doosre rajya ja ke!

Saatva Prashna: To kya isi rajya main bheek maange?

Yuvraj: Errr… errr… errr…

(Aur kuch log hasne lagte hain…)

Diggy Raja: Khaamosh! Haso mat! Ek din ye Pradhan Mantri ban-ne hi waale hain, tab hum sab hasenge aur aap sab roenge! Ha ha ha ha…

Moral of the story: He who laughs last, laughs the longest…

© Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Knock Knock Jokes 13

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Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
PC.
PC who?
PC you see in Parliament, but PC we no see, says the Opposition and decision making goes out of the window. Chee chee!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Dawood.
Dawood who?
They would still deny the existence of all dons, terrorists and accused hiding in their country.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Rahul.
Rahul who?
Dravid, if you want to save a Test match and Gandhi if you want to save the Congress.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Kasab.
Kasab who?
Kasab ka hisaab aaya hain, Rs 16 crore spent in 3 years!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Divide, rule and enjoy!

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Advisor: Madam, aapke chaar problems hai: Bhrashtachar, anti-incumbency, image aur development.
Madam: Rajya ke chaar tukde kar do!

Diggy Raja: Yuvraj, woh aapka stepping stone hai pradhan mantri ke pad ke liye.
Yuvraj: Mummy! Woh mere stepping stone ke chaar tukde kar rahi hai!

Mulayam: Ek tukda Maya ke paas. Ek Ajit le jaayega. Ek shaayad Congress ya BJP le jaayega. Phir bhi mere liye ek tukda bachta hai. Waise, idea bura nahin hai!

Amar Singh: Actually, mera network bhi bad jaayega!

At Rashtrapati Bhawan: Three more Governors to lord over!

Government contractors: More assemblies! More offices! More quarters! More orders! More development…

The ghost of Mountbatten: Hmmm… the United Provinces is finally getting Divided…

© Sunil Rajguru

Thak Thak Chutkule 7

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Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Zardari.
Zardari kaun?
Zara dar gaya tha bechara ki military coup hoga, ab theek lag raha hai.

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Telangana.
Telangana kaun.
Telan…gaana gaa rahi hain Maya, aur do tukde nahin, chaar chahati hai!

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
2G ka paisa khaaya.
2G ka paisa khaaya kaun?
Hahahaha… aise sawal mat pooch jiska koi jawab nahin, ye scam aur cases aur bahut saal chalne waale hai.

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Rockstar.
Rockstar kaun?
Rocks stars pe pheko, dher saare, ek ek karke, sab paisa bataurne main lage hue hain, koi achha film nahin bana raha hai aaj kal…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru