September 2016 Status Updates

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Sehwag on the commentary bench.
Gambhir on Team India bench.
#IndVsNZ #EdenGardens

(September 30)

Mainstream media’s name has become mud.
Call it maindirtystream media.
#MSMvsSM

(September 29)

SRK…

Release Raees at Id.
Sir, Sultan!
OK, Aug 15.
Sir, Rustom-Hrithik.
OK, Diwali.
Sir, Shivaay.
OK, Christmas.
Sir, Dangal.
OK Republic Day.
Sir, hit!
Raj Thackeray: RD pe Pakistani actress?

(September 25)

#BangaloreStudents
April-May: Summer Vacations.
July: Transport Bandh Vacations.
September: Cauvery Vacations.
October: Dussehra Vacations.
December: Christmas Vacatio

(September 22)

SRK Fandom Awards for his biggest fans?
Really?
After Shah Rukh Khan killed his biggest fan with his bare hands in his last movie?

(September 21)

If Modi wins in 2019, then in 2020 we will still be discussing UPA corruption.
#EmbraerScam

(September 14)

Number of Rs 100 crore films for certain actors…
Riteish Deshmukh = 4.
Abhishek Bachchan = 4.
Aamir Khan = 4.
Hrithik Roshan = 3.
Ranbir Kapoor = 2.
Saif Ali Khan = 1.
Shahid Kapoor = 0.

(September 13)

PoK = Pakistan occupied Kashmir.
PoB = Pakistan occupied Balochistan.
CoK = China occupied Kashmir. (Aksai Chin)
CoT = China occupied Tibet.

Front Page headline…
Girl sits on fast for toilets in her village.
(Details Page 5)
Flips the pages and comes to Page 5 in 30 seconds to see headline…
Girl calls off hunger strike as officials promise toilets in her village in a week.
Methinks: Wow, that was pretty fast!

(September 8)

Pakistan cricket continues to live in the extremes.
Tests: Best ever No. 1
ODIs: Worst ever No. 9.
Simultaneously.

(September 5)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

 

#IndVsNZ #EdenGardens: Greatest batting line-up ever…

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Here’s looking at the highest scores of all 11 batsmen in the second Test between India and New Zealand at Eden Gardens…

1. Shikhar Dhawn 187.
2. Murali Vijay 167.
3. Cheteshwar Pujara 206*.
4. Virat Kohli 200.
5. Ajinkya Rahane 147.
6. Rohit Sharma 177.
7. Ravichandran Ashwin 124.
8. Wriddhiman Saha 104.
9. Ravindra Jadeja 68.
10. Bhuvneshwar Kumar 63*.
11. Mohammed Shami 51*.

That means a whopping 8 have scored a century and the remaining 3 have scored a century.

The number 9 batsman is also the only Indian to have three first class triple centuries including 2 in a month.
Gautam Gambhir with 4000 Test runs is on the bench and injured KL Rahul got 3 centuries in his first 6 Tests including a 158.
Pujara with four 150+ scores finds himself in and out of the team.

By Sunil Rajguru

Engaging Pak over Kashmir…

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Pak began Kashmir terror group policy 9 years before they officially became a nuclear power. A year after they lost a war.
N-threat is irrelevant, India’s tolerance the key.

The two biggest stakeholders of the Pakistani Army are America and terrorist groups.
The government is a mute spectator.
Who will you talk to?

Kashmir has already destroyed Pakistan and hasn’t even realized it and still claims Kashmir.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The #AdarshLiberals Academy guidelines

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Indian Military Academy…
The safety, honour and welfare of your country come first, always and every time.
The honour, welfare and comfort of the men you command come next.
Your own ease, comfort and safety come last, always and every time.

#AdarshLiberals Academy
The safety, honour and welfare of the Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty come first, always and every time.
The honour of Karl Marx comes next.
Your own ease, comfort and safety after that.
The honour, welfare and comfort of your family and coterie after that.
The honour, welfare and comfort of other #AdarshLiberals after that.
The safety, honour and welfare of the other country after that.
The safety, honour and welfare of your country come last, always and every time.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

When the #IndianArmy crossed the #LoC into #PoK and did a #SurgicalStrike

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If Pak terrorists can cross LoC/LAC regularly and come here during peace, why can’t Indian soldiers cross regularly and go there?
Took us 69 years to realize this.

Dear Pakistan,
You can’t ban all Indian products.
Pakistan itself is a product of India.

#Bharat ki #MannKiBaat Pakistan edition launched yesterday.

Pak Defence Minister.
Day 1: We will nuke India.
Day 2: India does surgical strike.
Day 3: Next time we will show you.

Pak: We will complain to the UN.

India: That India entered occupied Indian territory and destroyed terror camps? OK. Go ahead.
Pak: Errr… Ummm…

Pakistan has been waging/threatening war for 69 years, doing terror attacks for 27 years, threatening nukes for 17 years.
India still only reacts.

#SwachhBharat campaign extending to PoK is valid because PoK is actually part of Bharat.

You can do one more Mumbai and you may lose Balochistan.
—Ajit Doval.
Turn. Turn. Turn. The wheels, they are a turning.

Modi: Let’s have a battle over poverty.
Pak Army: LOL! Chalo so jao shaan se.
After #SurgicalStrike
Pak Army: O teri! Ye kya hua!

In 1947 J&K was headed for independence, but Pak stupidity placed it in India’s lap.
In 1971 Pak stupidity created Bangladesh.
Current stupidity laying grounds for an Independent Balochistan.

Modi Bhai M.B.B.S.
#SurgicalStrike

Pakistan: We do not accept the LoC.
Indian Army: OK. No problem. We too. Here we come.
#SurgicalStrike

Sharif: Hum iski kadi ninda karte hai.
#SurgicalStrike

Maine #SurgicalStrike kiya
#SurgicalStrike kiya to darna kya
#SurgicalStrike to hona hi tha
#SurgicalStrike Karne Wale Kabhi Kam Na Honge
#SurgicalStrike Kiye Jaa
Kaho Na #SurgicalStrike Hai…
Aao #SurgicalStrike Kare
#SurgicalStrike Hua Chori Chori

Pakistan has been attacking India non-stop from 1947-2016.
The only difference is that sometimes India responds and sometimes it doesn’t.

Pakistan: Mere paas China hai, Amreeka hai, dher saare nukes hai, unaccountable Army hai, tere paas kya hai?
India: We did a #SurgicalStrike while you were speaking.

Iran firing at Pakistan is a case of bahati Ganga main haath dho lo.
#SurgicalStrike

India planning to make Pakistan Most Favoured Nation (for counter-terrorism surgical strikes).

Yesterday.
Pakistan: We will do terrorism.
India: We will ban falana dimkhaana.
Today.
India: We will do counter-terrorism.
Pakistan: We will ban Dhoni film.

It’s called surgical strike because India is the surgeon and Pakistan is the severely ill patient.

Modi’s Peace Doctrine is tougher than some war doctrines.
We didn’t cross LoC even during Kargil War.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Pakistan problem musings…

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Pakistani obsessions…
P – Punjab
A – Army
K – Kashmir
I – ISI
S – Suicide attacks
T – Terrorists
A – America
N – Nukes

SAARC to be disbanded for SAARCEP.
South Asian Association for Regional Cooperation Excluding Pakistan.
Pakistan will launch SAARK.
Sole Asian Association for Raising Kashmir.

How we should react…
US—Solve problems only by diplomacy!
India—Abbe bewde—kab tak tu ek terrorist state ko itna arms + money deta rahega? Diplomacy gayi tele lene!

The problem…
Bharat baatcheet karta raha aur Pakistan baat-cheat karta raha

Pakistan: Hum jung ladenge!
India: Arre aap kya jung ladenge? Aap pe to jang laga hua hai.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru