Daily Archives: June 14, 2016

Do the TV Royals have the worst security in the history of fictional monarchy?

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Reference: The Royals (TV series)  (Caution: Spoilers!)

The Crown Prince is assassinated. The King is knifed to death. The new King spends the first few minutes of his reign being pummeled by the Prince and takes the dead King’s ring with a bloody face. The Prince is kidnapped by his friends just like that. Both the male and female lovers of the Princess are thieves who gain access to her with the click of a finger. The former is even her ex-bodyguard while the latter steals the Kohinoor in a dumb low grade heist. On being caught the Princess instead of throwing them in jail lets them get away as if they’ve merely jumped a traffic signal. She even rewards the thief with her jewellery. The chief of security is a murderer. The new King’s secretary takes flak for the murder of the former King so he can make sure that the real killer will never be caught. The enemies of the monarchy can infiltrate at will even doing fancy light shows in the palace. The Royal Palace is like Waterloo Station during peak time where just about anyone can come in and out. (And they have probably better security too!)

© Sunil Rajguru

This is how the Hillary-Trump debates will go…

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Actual Twitter exchange between US Presidential Republican candidate Donald Trump and Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton

Trump: Obama just endorsed Crooked Hillary. He wants four more years of Obama—but nobody else does!

Hillary:  Delete your account.

Trump: How long did it take your staff of 823 people to think that up–and where are your 33,000 emails that you deleted?

So, this is how the Hillary-Trump debates will go then…

Hillary: You have made money from a corrupt private system.
Trump: You have made money from a corrupt government system.

Hillary: You should be jailed for your comments.
Trump: You should be jailed for your deeds.

Hillary: You are a misogynist.
Trump: Your husband is a bigger misogynist and you’re standing on his shoulders.

Hillary: You are a hated man!
Trump: You are more hated!

Hillary: Your party hates you!
Trump: So does yours!

Hillary: You will be a disaster as President!
Trump: You will be a bigger disaster!

Hillary: Your foreign policy will be a joke when you become President.
Trump: You foreign policy was a bigger joke when you were Secretary of State.

Hillary: You are a polarizing figure.
Trump: You are more polarizing.

#UdtaPunjab musings…

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Shahid Kapoor visited Punjab as a squeaky clean kid in 2007 (Jab We Met) but returned as a hardened drug addict in 2016 (‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬).

Punjab Problem (Udta Punjab)
Kashmir Problem (Haider)
Mumbai Riots, Kargil, 9/11, Godhra (Mausam)
Match-fixing, drugs (Kaminey)
Education problem (Paathshaala)
‪#‎ShahidKapoor‬

#‎UdtaPunjab‬ is a catchy name and a catchier hashtag.
Multiple Twitterstorms were inevitable.

“Adult with Caution” films at red light areas!
What next?
Red Light Mall Multiplexes?
‪#‎CensorBoardRevamp‬

Superheroes, aliens and spaceships are more real, believable and relevant than drugs, sex and nudity—hence we’ll pass the former.
‪#‎CensorBoard‬

Fact is stranger than fiction.
—Anonymous.
Fiction can’t be based on strange facts.
—Censor Board.
‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬

Drug problem is there.
India is corrupt and racist.
Gays are in large numbers.
Sex exists.
So, reality can’t be shown in fiction?

Censor board: Please replace Punjab with a fictitious land.
(The problem is that their image of Punjab itself is fictitious!)

Anurag Kashyap now has the unique record of having a film banned under Vajpayee, MMS and Modi.
Guess which made most noise?
‪#‎Paanch‬ ‪#‎BlackFriday‬ ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬

#‎UdtaPunjabVerdict‬
Shahid Kapoor
+ Kareena Kapoor
+ Alia Bhatt
+ Anurag Kashyap
+ Ekta Kapoor
+ Diljit Dosanjh
thrash Pahlaj Nihalani

The fact.
Every Censor Board since Independence has sucked.
The spin.
It started with Nihalani.
Modi hired Nihalani.
It’s Modi’s fault.

Gokul Shankar banned under Nehru.
Aandhi banned under Indira.
Pati Parmeshwar banned under Rajiv.
Black Friday banned under MMS.
Stop behaving as if it’s something new!

Time is right to make a film on the crazy chain of events in the ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ controversy.

Too many jokers are supporting ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ for all the wrong reasons.

Kejriwal is unhappy.
He doesn’t get a chance to waste an evening and review ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ for his Punjab voters.
Hence the attacks.

Above an “A” certification, just put a “Danger” certification and just go ahead and release the film as it is!

Reminder…
Censor Board was formed under Nehru.
It had a non-filmi ignoramus under Manmohan.
It has always been a problem.
But now it is finally being revamped under Shyam Benegal.

2004: ‪#‎AnuragKashyap‬’s Black Friday ready for release.
2007: Finally released by SC after censor ban.
2016: Delay in ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ makes India North Korea.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

#UdtaKejri musings…

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Kejri doing time pass till his next working day on Thursday.
(When he’ll review ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ on its premiere)

Don’t worry, by 2020 we will have a film called ‪#‎UdtaDelhi‬ showcasing the total breakdown of the city by then.

Kejri won the battle which didn’t even really concern him… ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬
But he totally lost the war… ‪#‎21UdteMLA‬

Delhiite 1: Par usne to bola tha ki main Delhi main bahaar launga?
Delhiite 2: Arre buddhu, usne bola tha ki “main Bihar launga”!

Kejri: Kya Modi bataaenge…
Modi’s office: Kripaya intezaar keejiye. Aap kartaar main hain. Aapk number 345678 hai…

Kejri was nausikhiya: Got 28 seats.
Did crazy midnight dharna: Got 67 seats.
Now he’s given such abysmal governance that he’ll get 70 seats next time.

Kejri said he would change the system.
He has spectacularly succeeded!
(He has made it much worse)

Mujhe PM banao, main poore India main anarchy failaaunga!
Voter: Pahale Delhi main karke dikha, fir dekhte hai.
Kejri: Challenge accepted!

Then…
There are cases against 40% MPs!
Now…
There aren’t cases against 40% AAP MLAs!
‪#‎Kejri‬

Kejri isn’t CM without portfolio. He’s…
Minister of External (Anything but Delhi) Affairs.
Minister of Information & Broadcasting Against Modi.

Zero portfolios.
Multiple MLAs out on bail.
21 extra parliamentary secretaries.
Water-power-garbage woes.
A million allegations.
‪#‎KingKejri‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Social media musings…

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Troll.
Noun.
1. Critic.
2. Opponent.
3. Fault finder.
4. Fact checker.
5. Who differs in opinion.
and lastly
6. Stalker, abuser and one who threatens.

Social media has made all of us philosophers, writers, photographers, videographers, voyeurs, experts, agony aunts, attention seekers and trolls.

Fake story goes viral. Millions page views.
Fake story debunked. Millions more page views.
Particle-antiparticle pairs can be created from nothing.
Same with news!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

General political musings…

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1999-2013: Nitish + BJP = Good governance.
2013-15: Alone = Directionless.
2015-__: Nitish + RJD = Jungle Raj.
Nitish = Water.
(Takes the shape of whatever vessel he’s put in!)

BJP weak.
SAD in shambles.
Congress uses riot-tainted Kamal Nath.
AAP was always a joke.
‪#‎PunjabAssemblyPolls‬ = Ultimate battle of losers.

Lok Sabha has 546 members.
543 elected.
2 nominated by President.
1 nominated by ‪#‎AdarshLiberals‬ ‪#‎SadhviPrachi‬

Lalu knew he’d get Jungle Raj.
Intellectuals knew he’d get it.
Lalu knew that the intellectuals knew he’d get it.
Some intellectuals, eh?

Most spokespersons in India are actually speaknonsensepersons.

If BJP boycotted all English media and embraced Doordarshan, AIR and all regional media, it would enhance their image and get more votes.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru