2011: The Year of The Lemon

After looking at all the implications of the events that took place in the year, it has been decided to name 2011 as the “Year of The Lemon”.

That’s because while everybody was celebrating the many changes that were taking place, in effect nothing really changed.

(Other names suggested were The Year of the Kela and the Year of the Bakra)

A look at the lemony series of unfortunate events…

1. The Lokpal Lemon: Anna Hazare fasted. His team fumed. Lakhs protested. Millions cheered in their living rooms. Parliament united in August. The result? No Lokpal Act by December 31!

2. The Arab Spring Lemon: People thundered and kicked out the dictators. But who’s coming in their place? Inexperienced fundamentalist parties! Take Egypt: Revolution 1: Kick out the British. Revolution 2: Kick out monarch. Revolution 3: Kick out the dictator. Revolution 4: Coming soon in the future for complete democracy?

3. Cricket Team Lemon: India won the World Cup after 28 years. But no time to celebrate. No victory parades. Immediately play IPL and get fatigued and injured and get thrashed in England. Crash in Melbourne too. Do we really feel like champs?

4. The Sachin Tendulkar Lemon: It’s so glorious to score 99 international centuries. However most fretted and fumed over the 1 century that was not scored for 10 odd months.

5. The Europe Lemon: Heads of states were sacked. But do the new leaders have magic wands to solve the grave financial crisis?

6. The Kudankulam Lemon: Construction on the nuclear plant began in 1997. So what changed in 2011? Fukushima in Japan! So how does that affect Kudankulam?

7. The Mullaperiyar Lemon: The dam is more than 100 years old. So what changed in 2011? A movie called Dam999. Eh?

8. The Andhra Pradesh Lemon: AP won the maximum number of Lok Sabha seats for the Congress in 2009. The reward? In 2011, the Centre fiddled while Telangana was burning!

Of course, most of the events spill into the next year, so there is still time to make lemonade and 2012 could well be The Year of the Lemonade!

© Sunil Rajguru

Melbourne Test debacle musings…

Q: Nowadays, why are Indian batsmen extremely bad students?
A: Because they keep failing miserably in Tests.

∙ From now on the Ashes will be re-branded.
Whenever England and Australia host India at home, the series will be dubbed as the Indian Ashes.

Overheard…

Indian cricket fan: Oh God! Why do I have to keep suffering this humiliation Test after Test?
God: Didn’t I answer a billion prayers in 2011? Now don’t disturb me till 2015!

English bowler: We had an awesome bowling session of Indian Ten Pins last season.
Aussie bowler: Our season has just begun!

© Sunil Rajguru

Reference: 2011 Boxing Day India-Australia Test at Melbourne

The blind men and the Lokpal Elephant

(Based on the story “Blind men and an elephant”)

The Lokpal Elephant was kept in a dark room and various people went to check it out.

Kapil Sibal felt the tusks and said, “This is pretty strong, hard and can rip apart almost anything!”

Laloo Prasad Yadav felt the leg and said, “My God! This is so strong! It can crush us any time!”

Arvind Kejriwal felt the tail and said, “This is so thin and useless!”

M Karunanidhi felt the ear and said, “This looks quite small and useless, my ministers will be safe.”

Mamata Banerjee tried to touch the trunk but it kept moving this way and that way and she exclaimed, “My God! I don’t even know what this is!”

Mulayam Singh Yadav felt the stomach and it rumbled loudly and so he ran out of the room.

Some Congress MPs went too close to its rear and got disgusted and ran away too.

LK Advani sat in the corner and refused to touch the elephant saying, “What do I care! We are not in power!”

This version by Sunil Rajguru

UPA government musings…

This is a Roti (vote-catching expensive Food Security Bill), Kapda (itna corruption hua hain ki badan pe kapde bache hi nahin hain) aur Makaan (Adarsh housing scam) government.
(Aur Bandwidth? 2G main hi atka hain abhi bhi!)

∙ UPA1: Nuke Deal.
UPA2: Nuked deals.

∙ Q: What is IT?
Kapil Sibal: Indira Technology.
Q: Matlab?
Sibal: Is desh ko Emergency ki zaroorat hai!

∙ A comes before B.
Umpteen Amendments before the actual Bill!
Wah re Lokpal!

© Sunil Rajguru

A very “balanced” government…

A Raja: +Rs 1.76 lakh crore.
Kapil Sibal: -Rs 1.76 lakh crore.

Congress Spokespersons: Speak so much gas that they are a serious threat to global warming.
Congress High Command: Speak so less that if they actually lost their voices, then the nation wouldn’t notice for 10 odd years.

Baba Ramdev was handled with Physical Violence.
Anna Hazare was handled with Verbal Violence.

Manmohan Singh is the Picture of Sanity.
Diggy Raja is the Picture of Insanity.

Kapil Sibal as Education Minister ultimately Virtually achieved nothing.
As IT Minister, he tried to Educate the Virtual World.

Pranab Mukherjee is the No. 1 Trouble shooter.
The rest of the Cabinet are No. 1 Trouble Creators.

Rahul Gandhi is invisible in the Lok Sabha.
He’s Ultra-Visible in Uttar Pradesh.

© Sunil Rajguru