General random political musings…

2014…
Pradhan Mantri Jan Dhan Yojana.
2016…
Pradhan Mantri Kala Dhan Yojana.

Paap Ko Jalaa Kar Raakh Kar Doonga.
#Dharmendra1988 #Modi2016

#AdarshLiberal
If India is bad, you will support Pakistan?
If Capitalism is bad, you will support Communism?
If Indian Army is bad, you will support terrorists?

#Pappu
2000s: Angry young man.
2010s: Angry middle-aged man.
2020s: Angry old man.
2030s: Angry retired man.

#Dharmendra1988
Paap Ko Jalaa Kar Raakh Kar Doonga.
Kejri: Replace paap with New Delhi.
Lalu: Bihar for me.
Didi: 2 changes, West Bengal and last letter i.

Bihar’s MahaGatbandhan cannot be replicated in Uttar Pradesh.
It will become MahaGadbad.

Eat in a Dalit’s hut.
Take a few months off.
Travel in a Mumbai local.
Take a few months off.
Stand in an ATM queue.
Take a few months off.
#PappuPolitics

The glorious 2010s…
___got re-elected and destroyed___
1. Laloo-Bihar.
2. Mulayam-UP.
3. Kejri-Delhi.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me a million times since 1947 and you’re the Indian Left and I’m an ordinary citizen.

In cricketing parlance, Modi is a captain who has won the World Cup while Pappu is still on the benches of a Ranji team.
Media will equalize them in 2019.

All Congress spokespersons get up every morning with the same thought.
How do I rubbish Modi’s achievements today?

Past tense…
Modi has won many times.
Present tense…
Modi is winning everything.
Future tense…
Modi will lose each and every time.
#Haters

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

#AdarshLiberals musings…

What #AdarshLiberals want…
New post of undisputed Monarch: Sonia.
President: Kejri.
Prime Minister: Pappu.
Home Minister: Lalu.
Foreign Minister: Mamata.
Education Minister: Kanhaiya.
Information & Broadcasting Minister: Diggy Raja.

Very high water guzzlers…
Meat industry.
Washing machines.
Western flushes.
Highest water guzzler for ‪#‎AdarshLiberals‬ who consume all three…
Holi!

JNU sedition rally and Hyderabad student violence is not shocking.
Shocking is how all this has been raging on unchecked for decades now.

It costs a lot of money to keep the Modi Hate Industry alive.
By keeping quiet and ignoring them, he’s bleeding them financially.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Latest political musings…

The RSS…
Making statements since 27-09-1925.
Ignored since 15-08-1947.
24X7 media coverage since 16-05-2014.

Bengal War I—CPM beats Congress.
Bengal War II—Trinamool beats CPM.
Bengal War III—BJP versus Trinamool (Result in 2016).
Beaten in all wars—People of West Bengal.

Congress: NDA repackaging UPA policies.
Means…
If you say NDA is bad, then UPA was also bad.
If you say UPA was good, then NDA is also good.

Indira and Sonia Gandhi became Congress President after exactly Zero years’ experience as MP.
That way Pappu has been MP for 10 years.

Congress leaders trying to convince people that Pappu is taking Make in India seriously.
“He’s holidaying in Uttarakhand and not Thailand!”

Now showing in 2015…
Return of the CM.
‪#‎ArvindKejriwal‬
‪#‎NitishKumar‬
‪#‎MuftiMohammadSayeed‬
Somehow hoping…
‪#‎Jayalalithaa‬

Congress worker: Actually Pappu went on leave in 2004.
We are wondering whether he’ll ever come back.
‪#‎WhereIsRahul‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Tere baap ka party hai kya?

Tere baap ka party hai kya?
Naveen: Errr, “Biju” Janata Dal. Isn’t it pretty obvious?

Tere baap ka party hai kya?
Omar: Actually mere dadaji ne ye party banaya tha.

Tere baap ka party hai kya?
Akhilesh: Ha, isi liye ye haal hai, koi sunta hi nahin mera!

Tere baap ka party hai kya?
Pappu: Nahin. Baap, maa, chachu, daadi, uske papa, uske papa ke papa…

Tere baap ka party hai kya?
Ajit: Arre! Mama-bhatija bhi kuch cheez hota hai bhai!

Tere baap ka party hai kya?
Derek O Brien: Mind your language! It’s just Didi Didi Didi!

Tere baap ka party hai kya?
Kumarswamy: Kya farak padta hai. Party hi bacha nahin hai!

Tere baap ka party hai kya?
Alagiri: Nahin, bhai ka ho raha hai.

Tere baap ka party hai kya?
Uddhav: Eh? Tu jaanta nahin mera baap kaun tha?

Tere baap ka party hai kya?
Chandrababu: Mere sasurji ek mahaan aadmi the.

© Sunil Rajguru

Just call it secular and wash away its sins…

In India, we have two pairs of glasses: Secularism and Communalism.
Depending on which pair you wear, the same thing can look totally different.
Note: The glasses are monopolized by one group only…

Secular X riot = Secular.
Communal X riot = Genocide.

Secular X Hate speech = Freedom of speech.
Communal X Hate speech = Fascism.

Secular X Very strong leader = Statesman.
Communal X Very strong leader = Hitler.

Secular X Journalist = Independent.
Communal X Journalist = Severe bias.

Secular X Gasbag = Intellectual.
Communal X Intellectual = Gasbag.

Secular X Corruption = Clean chit.
Communal X Allegations = Criminal.

Secular X Weak foreign policy = Diplomacy.
Communal X Strong foreign policy = Alarmist.

Secular X Status message = Power of Internet.
Communal X Status message = Section 66A.

Secular X Distorian = Historian.
Communal X Historian = Distorian.

Secular X Politician = Incorruptible.
Communal X Politician = Guilty.

Barack Obama X Revenge by voting = Secular.
Amit Shah X Revenge by voting = Communal.

Narendra Modi X Any good thing = Communal.
Sonia Gandhi X Any bad thing = Secular.

LK Advani X Rath Yatra = Communal.
LK Advani X Anti-Modi = Secular.

Any citizen remotely supporting Modi = Communal.
Any citizen soundly attacking Modi = Secular.

Post script…
India is a sovereign socialist secular democratic republic.
If he wins on May 16, Modi haters will declare India a communal fascist state.

© Sunil Rajguru

Indian politics main sabka swagat hai…

Dacoit bano phir araam se Indian politician ban jao. (Phoolan Devi)

Oxford-Cambridge main pado aur ant main Pradhan Mantri raho. (Manmohan Singh)

Barso ke liye Indian citizenship refuse karo, par araam se walk in kar ke party president bano. (Sonia Gandhi)

Bachpan main chaiwallah ban ke fir PM candidate bano. (Narendra Modi)

IIT main pado, CM ke gaddi pe baitho. (Manohar Parrikar)

Activism-Anarchy ki puja karo aur politics ke saath bhi khelo. (Arvind Kejriwal)

Housewife zindagi bhar raha ke bhi straight away CM bano. (Rabri Devi)

Total filmi career ke baad State ka Big Boss ban jao. (Jayalalitha-Karunanidhi-MGR-NTR)

Sasurji CM hai to damaad bhi banega. (Chandrababu Naidu)

Ma-baap-uncle-aunty-cousin… koi bhi politician hai to tumhari entry pakki. (Too many to name)

School ke dropout ho jao, araam se Indian politician bano. (Too many to name)

Chargesheet pa ke Indian politician bano. (100+ in the Lok Sabha itself)

Zindagi bhar aish karo, kuch na karo, kuch ideas na do, permanently future PM ka title lo. (Pappu)

© Sunil Rajguru

The Indian politician’s oath…

Your own ease, comfort and safety come first, always and every time.
The honour, welfare and comfort of the partymen come next.
The safety, honour and welfare of your country come last, always and every time.
(With due apologies to glorious cadets of the IMA and Field Marshal Philip Chetwode)

Totally misquoting the original by US business house…
Rule 1: The politician is always right.
Rule 2: If the politician is ever wrong, re-read Rule 1.

Totally misquoting the original by US consultancy firm…
When the politician comes first, the politician will last.

Totally misquoting the original by Gandhi…
The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of yourself.
That service is the noblest which is rendered for one’s own sake.

Totally misquoting the original by Tagore…
I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I looted and behold, service became joy.

Totally misquoting the original by Einstein…
Only a life lived in the service one’s self is worth living.

Totally misquoting the original by Woodrown Wilson…
You are not here merely to make a living. You are here to enrich yourself, and to impoverish the country in the process.

Totally misquoting the original by Mother Teresa…
If you can’t feed a hundred Indian citizens, then just feed yourself.

Totally misquoting the original by Fred Rogers…
Life is for self-service.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

India’s anti-missiles…

Anti-Congress = Sedition.

Anti-Mamata = Maoist.

Anti-Mamata media = Porn.

Anti-Modi = Secular.

Anti-Mayawati = Manuwadi.

Anti-Sonia = Imaginary concept.

Anti-social element = Social media.

Anti-Left = Wrong.

Anti-Pappu = Looks like all of India.

Anti-Vadra = Scared of being even that.

Anti-Advani = Pro-Modi.

Anti-Development = Pro poor.

© Sunil Rajguru

Bollywood movies on today’s politics…

Kab Tak Chhup Rahunga! followed by its sequel Meri Awaaz Suno, starring Manmohan Singh

Dilli Ka Thug, starring Baba Ramdev and directed by Diggy Raja

Ready (for PM’s post), starring Rahul Beta and directed by Diggy Raja

Golmaal 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 & 8, a multi-star cast from UPA 2

Atithi Tum Kab Jaoge?, starring the Tatas and directed by Mamata

Hum Aapke Hain Koun…!, starring Karunanidhi and its sequel Aap Mujhe Achche Lagne Lage, starring Jayalalitha, both directed by Sonia Gandhi

Pardes, a sweet love story about Indian black money dancing in Switzerland

Chor Machaye Shor & Paisa Khaaya To Darna Kya, starring Kanimozhi and Dayanidhi Maran

Beta, starring Rahul and directed by Sonia

UPA Teri Sarkar Maili, another multi-star cast from UPA 2

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

You have no moral right…

BJP to Congress: You have no moral right because of 1984 Sikh Riots.
Congress to BJP: You have no moral right because of Babri Masjid.

Advani to Manmohan: You have no moral right because of you’re spineless.
Manmohan to Advani: You have no moral right because of communalism.

Mulayam to Maya: You have no moral right because of statues and garlands.
Maya to Mulayam: You have no moral right because of criminals.

Detractors to Modi: You have no moral right because of Godhra.
Modi to detractors: You have no moral right because you govern worse than me.

Lalit Modi to Shashi Tharoor: You have no moral right because of Sweat equity.
Tharoor to Modi: You have no moral right because of the way you run IPL.

Politician A to Politician B: You have no moral right because of corruption, nepotism, incompetence and minimal development.
Politician B to Politician A: You have no moral right because of corruption, nepotism, incompetence and minimal development.

For once they are all Right. Nobody really has any Moral Right any more.

In Indian politics, if you’re in the Right, you’re not Morally Right.
If you’re in the Left, you’re Morally Wrong.
Nothing changes even if you move to the Centre.

Elsewhere Great Politicians have achieved Immortality.
Our Politicians have achieved Immorality.

© Sunil Rajguru