Aal Izzz Not Well

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Please sing to the tune of Aal Izzz Well from 3 Idiots…

Jab controversy ho out of control
Facts aur opinions ko kar ke gol
Facts aur opinions ko kar ke gol
Seeti bajaa ke bol

Aal Izzz Not Well

Author kya jaane screenplay ka kya hoga
Arre credit milega ya tawa pe fry hoga
Koi na jaane apna credit kya hoga

Jab controversy ho out of control
Facts aur opinions ko kar ke gol
Facts aur opinions ko kar ke gol
Seeti bajaa ke bol
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well

Confusion hi confusion hai
Exact percentage ka kuch pata nahin
Original story jo movie main faila to saala
Percentage of originialty kya tha pata nahin
Sab log jo har press conference main chillaye:
2%, 10% aur 70% ya kya hain…
Hum sab Idiots hai, pyaar se kaun kisko samjhaye

Percentages ghuma
Seeti bajaa
Seeti bajaa ke bol
Bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well

Movie hui superhit sab pee gaye daaru
Gham to phir bhi mitaa nahin
End main percentages sab raakh ho gayi
Reality to phir bhi dikha nahin

Author kya jaane screenplay ka kya hoga
Arre credits aage rahega ya peeche hoga
Koi na jaane apna credit kya hoga

Toh facts ghuma
Seeti bajaa
Seeti bajaa ke bol
Bhaiyaa aal Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well…

Spoof By Sunil Rajguru

(Original Song: Aal Izz Well
Film: 3 Idiots
Year: 2009)

2010 Sify Columns

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The year VVIP privacy was finally breached
WikiLeaks, Radia, Twitter… have changed the rules
29 December, 2010, Sify.com

The Year the Congress Party Lost its Mojo
Instead of becoming stronger, it became weaker in 2010.
25 December, 2010, Sify.com

The year Indian media lost its virginity
This has definitely been the annus horibilis for Indian media.
24 December, 2010, Sify.com

Congress versus BJP: Spot the difference
The two parties are like twins separated at birth…
21 December, 2010, Sify.com

But why are you surprised over the Radia Tapes?
Do you really think you can stop journalists from lobbying…
26 November, 2010, Sify.com

It’s still bouquets for Pak & brickbats for India
Nothing much has changed despite Obama’s visit
12 November, 2010, Sify.com

In defence of the Commonwealth Games
The games are good… the execution is bad…
August 12, 2010

Wanted: A Berlin Wall for India and Pakistan
Indo-Pak talks always go nowhere
July 23, 2010

The dream Indian football needs
How it will become more popular than cricket
June 11, 2010

Short Takes December 2009

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· Today’s Wisdom: Stress pushes up cholestrol levels. Eating what you want makes you happy, hence stress-free. Eating what you don’t like stresses you, pushing up cholestrol. You do the Maths!

(December 29)

· When will the “Obama Hype Era” end?

· Thank God Headley is not being extradited to India. otherwise we would have had a Kasab Part 2

· The Kotla Pitch is actually the graveyard of the Future of Sporting ODI pitches in India. Now everyone will say: Make it Flat & Dead, let all the teams make 300-400. I’m Happy: You’re Happy.

(December 28)

· Tiger Woods has 14 major Pro titles in 10 odd years. And it was revealed that he had 14 girlfriends in 2009. Now that’s really balancing your personal-professional life perfectly!

· India finally has an answer to Tiger Woods: Tiger Tiwari!

· T… T… T… Telangana… T… T… T…Tiwari… T… T… T…Tera kya hoga re Andhra Pradesh?

(December 26)

· Dan Brown’s Lost Symbol should be called The Lost Plot (or The Lost Climax) (But I’m still a fan)

· Split Andhra… Split Jharkhand verdict… Split Home Ministry… This country has a splitting headache.

· A girl is molested. Her family is harassed. She commits suicide. More harassment. A 19-year wait. 6 months imprisonment. A 1000-Rupee fine. Justice Denied, Delayed, Mocked and Nullified?

· Overheard: Indian Fielder to Lankan Fielder: Tera haath mera haath se slippery kaisa? Raaz kya hain?

· Indo-Lanka Series Review: Matches 1&2: Batsman Star Wars. Match 3: The Bowling Empire Strikes Back. Match 4: Return of the Batting Jedis…

(December 25)

· Ah! I love the Cold Night Dew when India is chasing in a cricket match!

· A lesson on how to chase 300+ in singles.

· Mahi ke bina Way, Yuvi ke bina Raj! India all the way..

· Captain Dhoni and Matchwinner Yuvraj both missing. Cool! We’ll just do a Eden Garden Record Chase of 300+, Thank You!

· Will there be Tele-presence in Hyderabad, or will it go Independent?

· Dan Brown should write only the first 95% of each of his novels. The Final 5% he should leave to another writer, a good finisher. The results would be awesome.

(December 24)

· Andhra main sirf Telangana raaj karega… baaki sab issues gaye Tel lene…

· They recently discovered a planet with water. Cool! So if we ever run out of water, we have to travel just 40 light years to get some more…

(December 23)

· We are all waiting for the the Modern World’s First Big Environmental Global Disaster. Action will be taken after that. Till then enjoy life, bicker and rejoice compromises…

· Sometimes I think Kasab doesn’t exist & he’s a fictional character like Santa Claus

(December 22)

· Breaking News: The Copenhagen Summit just increased the temperature of the Earth by 0.00000000001 degrees!

· The Climate Meeting was a great success! We have agreed on the Agenda of the next Climate Meeting!

· Copenhagen. The Day After. Business as usual.

· If you really want to check climate change, then you don’t need a fancy summit at a fancy venue to do so.

· We will climb all the No. 1 pinnacles in cricket except the No. 1 in Fielding…

(December 19)

· Ek din ki chandini, phir andheri din/raat match hain…

· Change, like Charity, begins at home. But Climate Change, it seems, has to begin in the other person’s home.

· Golfer: OK, I’ll g… g… g… g…give up g… g… g… g…golf. Wife: The G word is Girlfriend you idiot, not Golf! Bye!

· Just like a Random Number Generator, the Twitter Home Page is a Random Message Generator

· Change Of Political Environment Not Happening Again, Greenbacks Ensure Nothing

(December 18)

· Kyoto. Bonn. Milan… Copenhagen… Venues anek. Nateeja ek?

· In the future, Tiger Woods will be respected and admired as the man who gave up both Golf and Girlfriends for his wife.

Googly Wave. Mere liye to woh ek Googly hi hain.

(December 15)

· For Google it was Brave, for most of us it was as dead as a Grave, anyone still want Wave?

· Looks like the slowdown has ended in India. OK! Now you can start wasting money, buying things you don’t really need and putting your money in highly risky money-making schemes.

· Dharti Maa hamse bahut naraaz aur ghusse se garam hain, isiliye Global Warming ho raha hain, sirf pradushan ke waje se nahin

· Pak’s employer is the US Govt. Their PR agency is the Taliban. Their policies are more about foreigners than citizens. Pak desperately needs a Second Independence.

· Post-Telangana, the concept of Mil baat ke khaayenge has been taken to a totally new level.

(December 14)

· So Tiger Woods is not in competition with Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer etc, but with Bill Clinton, Hugh Hefner and Casanova.

· Facebookers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your brains!

· With the retirement of Bajaj Scooters, a Bit of the Old India just died.

· Raja says 3G in India is on schedule. He is right actually. He had probably scheduled it for 2015 in the first place.

· Green Summits aate hain, Green Summits jaate hain, par CO2 emissions wahi pe raha jaate hain…

· Indian Fielders were playing for Lankan Batsman. Lankan Fielders were playing for Indian Batsman. That’s one battle that the Lankan Fielders won.

· That’s why it’s called a Great Match. Our pathetic fielding was Matched by Lanka. India 211/11 beat Lanka 206/13

· Al-Qaeda can’t be defeated till Osama killed: US. That means if he’s already dead, then the US have already beaten Al-Qaeda, only they don’t know it.

(December 13)

· RGV is coming out with Rann 2 featuring the Telangana crisis. The theme song will be: Telan-Gana-Mana adhinayak jaya hain…

· Meri saas aspatal main. Biwi ghar chod ke chali gayi. Teesri, chauthi, paanchvi… (bolte rahahiye) aurat ka pol khul gaya. Ye sab shaurat, naam mitti main mil gaya… Main ek vishaal golfer bol raha hu, koi Ekta Kapoor character nahin!

· Angrez jaake 62 saal ho gaye, par “Divide and Rule” ka keeda ab tak Bharatvarsha ke system main buland hain…

(December 12)

· Very soon Farmville may demand statehood from Facebook (Which is already the 3rd biggest country in the world)

· From “Akhand Bharat” to Khandistan…

· KCR is the New Mahatma. Hyderabad is the New Chandigarh. Manmohan is the New Nehru.

· Change is inevitable. So is Climate Change. Change is resisted. So is Climate Change. Ultimately Change is accepted and adapted to. So will Climate Change be. Copenhagen will not even be able to reduce even the gas in the speeches of world leaders.

(December 11)

· Andhra Pradesh just went on a diet and shed a few districts. This fad may Fast catch on in other States.

(December 10)

· Sachin will retire from ODIs when he has 50 100s and a 100 50s.

· Carbon emissions 5% jyaada ho rahe hain, 5% kam karo… is-se vishaal duniya ko sacchi main kuch farak padega kya? Is Mother earth impressed?

· Woh Sikander hi dosto… kahalata hain… jyaada ICC anko ko jeetna… jise aata hain…

· Zimbly weight for thee Dubai griziz to enfold, eet eez note aze baed aze u theengk.

(December 7)

· South Africa were Test No. 1 for a record Less Time. Now that’s one record we don’t want to break!

· Don’t know if Copenhagen will reduce the Global Climate, but it has sure heated the Global Political Climate, especially in India.

· Dhoni ka hat-trick! At some point in his tenure, India has been No. 1 in T20s, ODIs and Tests!

(December 6)

· Great! After some decades, maybe a few hundred billion dollars and the loss of thousands of lives, the US is finally acting tough with Pak. (But is it really?)

· The Sehwag Saga… 309: The Fast & the Furious. 319: 2Fast2Furious. If not today, I’m sure that 3F3F will come one day…

· If the US wasn’t a friend of Pak, I think today Pak would have been much more balanced and developed…

(December 4)

·Bush let Osama get away because if he had caught him, then he would have had nothing left to do after that..

· Somewhere along the way, Sehwag lost his Test & ODI technique… so he simply decided to use his T20 technique in all forms of the game.

(December 3)

· 1 2 ka 4, 4 2 ka 1, yahi hain India ki ICC ranking ki kahani…

(December 2)

· “Change” has come in Indo-US ties. From “I Love Bush” it’s “I’ll do whatever Obama says”

(December 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 7

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• Does Father Time suddenly look at the date and find it’s December 31 and say: Oh God! A year has ended; let me change the luck/fortune of this world/country/person/group?
That decade was so… 2009 was so… are such artificial constructs. Fortunes and eras don’t wait for a date, beginning and ending at any time they please. They could last for a second, 17 days, 8 months, 13.5 years or 7.34567 decades.

• The world did not end at the turn of the millennium. The world will not end in December 2012. I think a lot of people keep hoping that the world will come to an end… it sure beats the concept of suicide!

• Does a New Year’s Day really change anything? Does every Birthday really change your perspective? Does an anniversary change fortunes? For me there are only two types of days: Holidays and Working Days. Any other classification is irrelevant.

• Why a New Year Resolution? Why not a New Month Resolution or a New Week Resolution or a New Day Resolution or a Mid-Day Resolution?

• Did You Know? Today is the 1000th anniversary of the Japanese Emperor Go-Suzaku turning 17 days old!

• If Saturday and Sunday is the Weekend, then Monday should be called the Weekendend.

© Sunil Rajguru

Contradictions of 2009

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“It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times,
it was the age of wisdom,
it was the age of foolishness,
it was the epoch of belief,
it was the epoch of incredulity,
it was the season of Light,
it was the season of Darkness,
it was the spring of hope,
it was the winter of despair,
we had everything before us,
we had nothing before us…”
The opening of A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, 1859

Barack Obama
It was the best of choices,
it was the worst of choices…
(+) Seldom have we seen a US Presidential candidate look so fresh and talk such sense with tonnes of charisma to boot. Obama won not because he was an African-American candidate, but because he represented a fundamental Change.
(-) Seldom have we seen a Nobel Peace Prize candidate who had done so little. I mean sure, this category has been controversial. But people have worked decades (or at least years) before they got it. Obama was a fortnight into the job when he was nominated.

Swine Flu
It was the greatest of threats,
it was the littlest of threats…
(-) When the scare came, all the media was full of dire warnings. Face masks were seen all across airports. Then those umpteen ads, banners, articles, statistics… One thought that millions would get affected and die of it.
(+) But what actually finally happened? It claimed about 10,000 deaths. While every single human life is precious, where does Swine Flu compare to Tuberculosis, AIDS, malnutrition…
Did you know? Every year, hundreds of thousands of people die of the normal flu.

Iceland
It was the best of economies,
it was the worst of economies…
(+) Pre-Recession. Its growth from 2003-07 saw it become a financial power and in 2008 it ranked Number 1 in the world in the UN Human Development Index, a sign of how developed a country really is.
(-) Post-Recession. At the beginning of 2009, the government fell over the way they handled the financial crisis. All three of the country’s major banks collapsed, making it relatively the largest sufferer of the recession. There was talk of Iceland going bankrupt as the national debt inched to the levels of Iceland’s GDP.

Pakistan and America
They were the best of friends,
they were the worst of friends…
(+) America and Pakistan are the best of friends. America consistently snubs India for Pakistan. America gives Pakistan billions of dollars, arms, concessions… Pakistan on its part fights terrorists and helps America as much as it can.
(-) The truth is that this is only what the two governments see and no-one else. Pakistan still harbours terrorists, and listens to America unwillingly. The Pakistan people hate America and the American people are suspicious of Pakistan. The alliance is getting more and more uneasy by the day.
Note: Not just a 2009 phenomenon, but goes way back.

The Government of India
It was the strongest of governments,
it was the weakest of governments…
(+) 2009 saw the Year of the Congress party when it reclaimed power at the centre stronger and wiser with the support of lesser allies. There was talk of coming to power alone in 2014. The BJP was vanquished at the centre and falling at the states. You can’t get stronger than that in today’s day and age.
(-) Yet the Congress found itself weaker than previous governments on the issues of the US, China, Pakistan and Climate Change. Their decision on Telangana is another sign of weakness and may have well opened another Pandorra’s Box on the further disintegration of states.

The Indian Cricket Team
It was the worst of teams,
it was the best of teams…
(-) In the 2009 T20 World Cup, the defending champions could not even make it to the Final 8! Could things get any worse than that! T20: Rock Bottom.
(+) 2009 was also the year when India attained the Number 1 ranking in both Tests and ODIs. Something unthinkable a few years back. ODI & Tests: Top of the Pops!

Sri Lanka’s Cricket Tour of Pakistan
It was the best of choices,
it was the worst of choices…
(+) When the perennial bad guys for Pakistan, arch-enemy India, pulled out of a tour, there were brickbats all over. Then Sri Lanka stepped in and took all the bouquets. They understood what it was to be a victim of terrorism and India was like a big bad brother for them too. Imran Khan said for the millionth time: A cricket team will never be attacked in Pakistan. There was great Lanka-Pakistan bonhomie.
(-) The brazen attack on the Sri Lankan team left the whole world shell-shocked. International cricket plunged to new depths. On hindsight: What was the Sri Lankan board thinking? They looked like they were trying to spite the Indian board. And was the attack meant for the Indian team in the first place? But the worst image was that of the PCB chairman fuming at a press conference as if they were the aggrieved party.

BJP Leader LK Advani
He was the strongest of leaders,
he was the weakest of leaders…
(+) For years, Advani strode like a colossus. The man who led the BJP from a mere 2 seats in 1984 to a sizeable number in the nineties… The man of the Rath Yatra… The New Iron Man of India… The man with no alternative after Vajpayee…
(-) That’s how he began the year. But he ended it at the nadir, becoming the so-called best Prime Minister which India never had. The BJP hurtled from one disaster to another and at the end of it was left with no issues, no strong leaders, no goodwill and no ideas. This was not supposed to be the Advani legacy …

© Sunil Rajguru

5 great Indian cricketers of the past decade…

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1. Anil Kumble
Why: Because you cannot take winning at home for granted.
Kumble’s greatest curse was that we took him for granted. Always. India wins at home. We have spinning tracks. We will win no matter who comes and who plays. It’s not as easy as that. We still have to go and take 20 wickets every match. If you sit and count the number of Test matches each player has won for his country, then Kumble would have a lion’s share. A victory is a victory no matter where it comes from. And for the record, before he retired, he improved his performance on foreign soil too. Then there’s also his record 10-wicket haul in an innings.

2. Rahul Dravid
Why: Because he was always there in India’s most critical moments.
Kolkata 2001. Leeds 2002. Adelaide 2003. Rawalpindi 2004. Kingston 2006. Perth 2008.
Some of India’s finest victories and Dravid made his contribution in all of them. Ask anyone to make a list of their greatest victories and chances are Dravid will feature heavily in most of them. To keep veering your team to historic wins is a sign of true greatness.

3. Sourav Ganguly
Why: Because he changed the way India played.
Aggression. Professionalism. Self-belief. Faith. These are not just words. They have the power to turn ordinary teams into great ones. And this came just on the heels of the match-fixing scandal and the mediocrity that the Indian team was wallowing in. Had Ganguly not let his guard down and relaxed during the latter part of his tenure, he would have played many more matches and plotted many more victories.

4. Virendra Sehwag
Why: Because he changed the way the game is played.
How many Test cricket openers play as if they are in an ODI match? Sehwag has a phenomenal strike rate of 80%. To put that in perspective, big hitter Test openers Chris Gayle and Mathew Hayden both stand at around 60%. (Kapil Dev and Adam Gilchrist usually used to come down the order.)  I remember in school it used to be a rare sight when India’s Test run rate would cross 3 runs per over. Recently, we almost touched 6 on the opening day. Sehwag has single-handedly changed the way India plays Test matches. He can still be the first man to hit 3 Test Triples. And for the record, he rocks in ODIs and T20s too.

5. Mahendra Singh Dhoni
Why: Victory. Victory. Victory.
A T20 World Cup. More than half a dozen bilateral ODI series victories. A world record of being undefeated in his first 10 Tests. World No. 1 in Tests. World No. 1 in ODIs. Dhoni has already boldy gone where no India captain has gone before and he’s just started. For detractors who say a captain is only as good as his team, the nucleus of the team was playing cricket for 5-10 years even before Dhoni made his debut. What changed now? The answer is Dhoni. Victories beat records any day and Dhoni so far has proved to be a Victory Magnet. A point also missed is that he has also been the No. 1 ODI batsman for a record number of weeks now.

© Sunil Rajguru