Interesting.
Shobhaa De Tweets something in 140 characters and soon 140 characters are discussing it on national TV.

Saare politicians karte hai!
Aur main karoon toh saala character dheela hai?
—N Srinivasan

(July 31)

India is not a Land of Debate.
It is a Land of a Million Loud Monologues.

Bieber has more Twitter followers than Obama.
Psy has more YouTube views than… anyone in history.
Maybe cyberspace is a parallel universe.

(July 30)

The rain god lives in a satellite exactly above Bangalore.

You only live once.
If you live it badly, it all comes to dust in the end.
If you live it well, it still comes to dust in the end.

Irony.
In reel life we celebrate fake encounters, eve teasing and outright MCP heroes.
In real life we view these things as quite ugly aberrations.

Bengaluru personified would be something like Mr Badal Baarishkar.

(July 28 )

RSS: Akhand Bharat.
Justice Katju: Communal!
Justice Katju: India, Pakistan, Bangladesh must unite!
RSS: Eh???!!!???

At least India has had 15 general elections in 66 years.
Think of Egypt.
Their very first free and fair election in thousands of years ended in a farce.

If no news is good news, then more news is bad news.
Absolute overload of news (mis)information in today’s world.

CWG ka kya hua? Aur 2G? Coalgate? Adarsh? …
Sab bhula diya na Congress spokespersons ke idiotic statements ne?
Job done.
Madam happy.

Hindsight…
2004: Vajpayee isn’t a great PM.
2009: But Vajpayee was better than Manmohan.
2014: Wow, what a great PM Vajpayee was!

Dear politicians,
Start using negative and imaginary numbers for price of full meal.
Re -1. Rs -12. Rs 2i. Rs 2i+7.
Will suit this negative and imaginary world you’re living in.

(July 27)

What do you think of Modi’s vision?
MP: I think his visa (to US) is more important.

· At this rate it will be the Reserve Bank of India only…
India will be running on Reserves and Banking on goodness knows what.

(July 25)

· Rs 30 lakh fine for TV channels airing offensive content.
So will news channels now stop calling politicians?

· Politicians are like Dementors, sucking the humour and fun out of India.
Social media is one large Patronus (with its own mini-dementors, though!)

· In some parallel world, all the news that appears in The UnReal Times really takes place and that world actually makes more sense than this one!

(July 24)

· The only bill where the owner (rather than customer) had to pay a heavy price for it.

‪#‎AditiRestaurant‬

· So Snowden’s still no-den then?

· When I first heard it, I thought “India Shining” was part of a fairness cream ad campaign.

(July 23)

· Hum eenth ka jawab pathar se denge.
Eenth=CPM. Pathar=TMC.
Tera kya hoga re West Bengalwa?

· Certainty 1: The Congress must go.
Certainty 2: A stable government must replace it.
Probability 1: NDA under Modi looks a good bet.

· Theoretical physicists find proof that Godhra was also responsible for the Universe’s Big Bang and may be one day responsible for its end.

· Salman: Need to divert attention from court case.
SRK: If Chennai Express flops, I’m gone, need goodwill, extra fans.
Bam! Jadu ki jhappi!

· Traumatized by IPL, Amartya Sen got confused that Lalit Modi is running for PM.

(July 22)

· Once Australia made all opponents look like Bangladesh.
Today they are the new Bangladesh.
‪#‎Ashes‬

· I don’t want to vote for the Congress, BJP or Third Front.
But on second thoughts…
2014 will be decided by the electorate’s “second thoughts”.

· Desh ka raja Modi.
Maharashtra ka raja Pawar.
Mumbai ka raja Raj.
Baton ka raja Uddhav.

(July 20)

· ACB: We’ve taken Mickey Arthur out of the Aussie team.
England: We’ve also taken the Mickey out of the Aussie team!
‪#‎Ashes‬

· Looking at the incessant rain, my son exclaims…
“Thank God! Now we can give enough water to Tamil Nadu!”
Ah! For the innocence of childhood!
‪#‎Cauvery‬

· Johnnie Walker: Keep walking!
Stuart Broad: Never!
Adam Gilchrist: Facepalm!
‪#‎Ashes‬

· What MMS really said on economy…
Basic fundamentals are sound (the alarm bugle!) and stable (for scams).

· Become first person in world to conquer Mt Everest, get Padma Bhushan.
Wow! Wonder what he had to do to get Padma Vibhushan!
‪#‎TenzingNorgay‬

· Maybe they can introduce the Duckworth-Lewis method in Tests to divert attention from DRS.

· Problem: Midday meals bursting at the seams.
Solution: Give all day meals to adults too.
‪#‎FoodBill‬ ‪#‎FSB‬

(July 19)

· Rajnath Singh, why attack English?
You are fighting Congrez, not Angrez.
Support coming coming from English speaking log will become going going…

· In 2011, the Golden Age of spoofs, satires, parodies, cartoons and jokes began in Indian politics.
(Grand mascot: Pappu)

· With great power come great riches, deals, perks, contacts, facilities… and err responsibility… err what’s that?
‪#‎IndianPoliticians‬

· Tomorrow they’ll have a panel of 10 cricketing umpires to review every decision and give a majority verdict.
‪#‎UltimateDecisionReviewSystem‬ ‪#‎UDRS‬

· Man of Steel came and went.
Now Men of Steel are also leaving. (Mittal-POSCO)

· Ashes to ashes and dust to dust,
If the Aussies lose again, the series is dust.

· If our TV anchors stopped calling party spokespersons for loud meaningless debates, then they’d actually have to work to create content!

· Aksar do logon ki ladai main teesre ka faayada hota hai.
The Advani interpretation…
Pahala=Modi. Doosra=Pappu. Teesra=Advani.
Ye hai India meri jaan, kuch bhi ho sakta hai.

(July 18 )

· First Jet Airways relied on Rashtriya Sahara.
Then they relied on antarashtriya sahara.

· Q: Is the bottle half Full or half Empty?
Media: Dunno about that, but 0.01% of Modi’s speech is Empty and our report is Full of that.

(July 17)

· The power of Rohit…
Warne and Gambhir beat Dhoni in an IPL final and their careers declined soon after.
Rohit did the same and his career saw a renaissance.

· Why is it called Reliance?
Because all Indian political parties Rely on it and hence India Relies on it too.

· Very soon a prince/princess will arrive from a powerless dynasty from a long-defunct empire and the whole world will go berserk and behave as if their ruler has arrived from another planet…

· Political parties not to come under RTI.
They will stick to their Right to Misinformation.

· From the trailers it feels as if the actual name of the movie is…
Naach Milkha Naach.

(July 16)

· Egypt is still on a roll, a Spring Roll.

· Polarization implies that there are two opposing Poles.
All political parties in India are at the Equator of communal, caste, criminalisation and corruption politics.
· Many sportsmen in the world seem to have drug their own grave off late.

· Political irony No. 23…
A politician who has divided her state on the basis of caste wants an organization banned because it has divided the country on the basis of religion.

· I love supporting the underdog.
And whether you like it or not Modi is still a rank underdog for 2014.

(July 15)

· 2014 main aap kisko vote denge?
1. Nehru-Gandhi Parivar.
2. Sangh Parivar.
3. Temporary…err… Teesra Parivar.
4. No Right to Reject. Isimese aayega!

· In 1991, Manmohan was the Economy’s Caretaker.
In 2013, he is the Undertaker.

· The SP-HP-UP equation…
SP gives students free laptops + SP doesn’t pay HP = HP gives students free laptops.
‪#‎SamajwadiParty‬

· A Hindustan Times colleague in the 1990s once said…
One day a newspaper with just headlines will be popular. That’s the only thing people want.
The day has come and that newspaper is called the Twitter/Facebook news feed.

· Q: Mamata what is the…
Mamata: Maoist! Arrest him?
Q: What’s a Maoist?
Mamata: Mao?
Q: Who’s Mao?
Mamata: Liar! Take him away!
Q: But I was just asking, “What is the time?”

· Soon Stuart Broad will officially declare: Everything is fair in Love, War and Ashes.

· Quattrocchi may have died recently, but the Bofors investigation died decades back.

(July 14)

· Post-2000, the C in CM in both Karnataka and Jharkhand stands for “Change”…
Karnataka-7 CMs, Jharkhand-9 Governments.

· Twitter is cruel.
If you have no followers and don’t Tweet, then they declare you a fake.

· There is no dialogue in the Modi debate.
Just two long monologues on either side.

· Nehru=Benevolent dictator.
Indira=Ruthless dictator.
Rajiv=Arrogant dictator.
Sonia=Behind-the-scenes dictator.
This is “Theek Hai” as They’re=Dynasty.
Modi “looks” dictatorial and must be stopped.
Why? Because he was born a Common Man?

· Heard Manish Tewari blasting some chap on TV.
Decided to listen closely and found that he in fact was praising the late Bollywood villain Pran.

· 1 Modi statement = 1 million TV bytes.
(Actually 1 day of Modi silence is also = 1 million TV bytes.)

(July 13)

· Many investigative journalists in India are in fact brilliant gardeners.
They handle a huge lot of plants all the time.

(July 12)

· 2 Fast bowler tales…
Agarkar, Century, Lord’s, 2002.
Agar-na-kar, Missed Century, Trent Bridge, 2013.

· 2 runs short!!!
Cricket’s latest believe it or not…
ASH(es main)TON AGAR (koi maarega to No. 11 batsman).
But Hughes loss of face for England.

(July 11)

· Cash for Likes?
FacebookGate?
LikeGate?
Benami Likes?
eScam?
Reverse Section 66A?
Internet Scam?
CyberGate?
‪#‎Gehlot‬

· In India it ain’t credible till it has a scam attached to it.
So the country warmly welcomes “Solar Energy” to its fold.
Now it could be a real hot market in the future!

· Even if a man was found with 3 terrorists for whatever reason, he would be interrogated by the police and questioned by the media.
‪#‎IshratJahan‬

· Recently Tendulkar, Sehwag and Gambhir were eased out of the ODI openers’ slots.
Didn’t know that grand plan was to make way for Rohit.

· Osama knew he was safe in Pak.
Pak knew Osama was in Pak.
US knew Pak knew Osama was in Pak.
Maybe Osama knew US knew Pak knew Osama was in Pak.

(July 10)

· Saying: Everyone can aspire to be PM.
Will happen when: Rahul becomes PM.
New saying will be: Everyone can aspire to be smarter than the PM.

· There is too much focus on what Modi “will do”.
The real tragedy is what UPA2 “has done”.

(July 10)

· My son is good in GK, but for some strange reason whenever he’s asked who the President of India is, he replies: Arnab Goswami.

(July 5)

· Me: The Iron Man of India is Sardar Patel.
Son: The Iron Man of America is Tony Stark.

(July 4)

· UPA3 = Teen tigada, kaam bigada.

· Wrong question…
Can online activism drive an offline revolution?
Actual scenario…
Offline rage is driving the online revolutions.

(July 3)

· Dekha jaaye to Pappu ne kuch kiya hi nahin hai to kuch bura bhi nahin kiya.
Asli Pappu to Manmohan hai, jo desh ko bigaad raha hai.

· In most countries, big businessmen get politicians to work for them.
In India, politicians are the biggest businessmen.

· Virat Kohli needs Barack Obama’s slogan…
Yes, we can. (Win without Dhoni)

· What if…
…high vegetable and fruit prices are part of an FDI conspiracy to popularize processed foods?

(July 2)

· The “Kali” of Kaliyug = Conflict/quarrel/discord.
Twitter main to Kaliyug aa chuka hai bhai log!

· Sir Jadeja: All these jokes have only made me stronger.
Rohit: Good idea! Me too!
Pappu: Hey! Me too!

· ODI opener selection…
Sachin? Retire him!
Sehwag? He’s lost it!
Gambhir? He’s gone!
Who do you have in mind? Rohit!

· Tahrir Square should be renamed as Right To Reject Square.

· Keep your Facebook friends close.
Keep your Facebook arguments closer.

(July 1)

© Sunil Rajguru