UB’s new mantras…

Daru 1

Fly less, drink more. Race less, drink more.

Play less, drink more. Build less, drink more.

Stay afloat, drink more. Drown, still drink more.

No more takeovers. Only hangovers.

New Slogan: The King of Bewda Times.

Next round of diversification to include UB Pubs, Hospitals and Alcohol Rehab Institutes…

Next campaigns: Reduce voting age for drinking. Build planes and racing cars that run on alcohol.

Stick to your core competency, I say!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Test, then ODI, then T20, then T10, then F5—finally 1Ball1Ball cricket?

.1.1 Cricket (1-Ball cricket)
From Imaginopedia, the free encyclopaedia

Point One Point One Cricket or .1.1 Cricket (also called derogatorily as POPO Cricket and Pappu Cricket) is a form of cricket, originally introduced in Jhumri Tilaiya for a professional inter-club competition by the New Jharkhand Board of Control of Cricket in 2027.

Point One Point One Cricket involves two teams where each has only one ball to bowl in an entire innings. One ball is 0.1 overs and hence the name .1.1 Cricket.

1 History

1.1 Origins

.1.1 Cricket resulted as a successive natural shortening of the game from the five-day Test format. After One Day Internationals, Twenty20s gained popularity. Then came the age of T10s, F5s and ultimately One1s, where each team bowls only one over in an innings.

But the spectators wanted something more exciting than the One1s, something shorter and more instant. That’s how .1.1 Cricket was born.

In the historic Jhumri Tilaiya match, when there was rain-interruption after the bowling of just one ball in a One1 match, the organizers decided that the opposition too would bowl just one ball for a result. The positive response of the spectators followed by the popularity of the .1.1 Premier League led to international .1.1s.

1.2 The .1.1 Cricket World Cup

64 countries participate in the .1.1 Cricket World Cup that takes place every year during the weekend around April 24, the birthday of God and Grand Master, Nobel Laureate and Bharat Ratna Sachin Tendulkar, who holds all the batting records of the largest formats of the game (the now extinct Tests and ODIs).

Matches begin early Saturday morning when the first round takes place. The 64 teams play 32 matches in a direct knockout format. The winning 32 teams make it to the second round, followed by 16 in the pre-quarters and eight in the quarter-finals and so on.

The new champions are crowned by Sunday late night, in the shortest world cup tournament on the planet. The only problem is that the city hosting the event comes to a standstill given the amount of teams and the volume of cricket packed into a single weekend.

1.3 .1.1 Cricket Worldwide

The new format became a rage all over the world and its popularity surpassed that of even football. Currently all the 200 odd nations of the world play .1.1 Cricket and there are flourishing domestic and continental leagues.

“Even Shorter Than Twitter” is a popular slogan of .1.1 Cricket aficionados.

1.4 Influence on cricket

Test cricket was phased out in 2017 and ODIs followed soon after in 2019. Empty stadiums in the 2024 T10 World Cup led to the Great Cricketing Financial Crisis of 2025, something which was revived by .1.1 Cricket.

In fact, F5 matches have been called the “New Tests”, because spectators call it a “test” of their nerves and patience to actually sit for five complete overs an innings in a stadium.

One1s, however are surviving for they serve the connoisseurs of the game and are called an actual test of skills and technique as against the total slam-bam attitude of.1.1 Cricket.

1.4 Criticism

.1.1 Cricket has come in for a lot of criticism. For one, the general level of health and fitness has come down among cricketers, who spend much more time on ad shoots, inaugurations and award shows.

The tradition of the all-rounder is also over. A bowler only bowls. A batsman only bats. A wicket-keeper only keeps the wicket. None of them field and the fielders themselves have become glorified ball boys many of whom have absolutely no understanding of the game of cricket.

Their only aim is to catch or stop the ball and throw it back at the fielder instantly to effect a run-out. In one incident, a shot put champion threw the ball so hard that it fractured the rib of a star bowler. That led to the infamous Eden Garden Riot of 2029.

2 Match format and rules

2.1 Format

Every team consists of one bowler (pacer or spinner), one wicket-keeper, one batsman, one 100-metre dasher (the runner at the non-strike end) and seven athletes for fielding to form a team of 11 players.

2.2 General rules

The toss is extremely important as most people want to bat second. All the rules are the same as the regular forms of cricket except for the fact that the Third Umpire is the most crucial element. The room for error is zero per cent. In the DRS, Snickometer, Hot Spot, Ball Track, Hawk Eye and Quantum Mechanics Probability Formulae are all used to get a perfect verdict.

2.3 Q-D/L Method

The Q-D/L (Quantum Mechanics, Duckworth & Lewis) method continues to be controversial. Since many games end in a tie, sudden death takes place where both teams bowl an extra ball each till a result is reached. One Indo-Pak match went till 13 balls with the score being tied at 24-24 at the end of 12 balls. A hit-wicket by the Pakistan batsmen on the 13th ball led to a new round of match-fixing allegations, something which .1.1 had been spared till now.

If any team plays one more ball than the other team when rain ends play, then the Q-D/L Probability Curve  predicts whether the other team would have got the required runs or not from the final ball. It’s pretty controversial, but no-one has come out with a better method yet.

3 Records

First Century: SNVR Singh of Ireland became the first player to hit a century in .1.1s by scoring 100 runs in a calendar year. Tom Peter Jones of Canada became the first to hit a double century. Fans are currently waiting for the first .1.1 triple century.

First hat-trick: Usutuaije Riruako of Zimbabwe was the first person to take three wickets in three consecutive matches.

Most catches: Vladimir Gramotin Bezborodko of India. Vladimir was a Russian citizen who was spotted in a friendly match with the Moscow Siberian Cricketing Tigers. A popular newspaper claimed that Vladimir far from understanding cricket, doesn’t even know its spelling yet. He took Indian citizenships and is currently one of the richest sportsmen in the world.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Why the Indian cricket team lost in England…

The BCCI has just completed its enquiry into the washout of the Indian team in England. Here are the results…

1st Test: Players just reached England. They had difficulty in adjusting to the conditions, pitches and climate.
Observations: Organize many more tours per year, so players will get over their “first match blues”.

2nd Test: India hadn’t choked for absolutely no rhyme and reason in a Test in ages. Law of averages finally caught up with them.
Observations: There’s nothing we can do about that.

3rd Test: Race riots happened in England at the time of the Test. The poor players were very scared. Smoke could be seen behind the stadium during the toss.
Observations: We couldn’t cancel the match as we needed the money and got it. No complaints there.

4th Test: Last match in the series. Players extremely tired and demoralized.
Observations: Organize 3-Test series in the future. As it is ODIs make more money. One lost Test = 3 more ODIs.

T20 International: Players played a whopping three practice matches the previous week, therefore they were extremely tired.
Observations: Stop listening to experts and stop organizing so many practice matches. As it is they don’t make much money.

Complete ODI Series: Rain, weather, damp pitches, Mr Duckworth and Mr Lewis dominated and there’s nothing anyone can do about that. This series can be totally forgotten, especially as we didn’t lose much money.
We were also told that captain MS Dhoni was fatigued and tired and should be rested, then how did he emerge as the leading run scorer and man of the series? The BCCI should stop listening to so-called experts.

Final Observations: Arre bhaiyya aal izz well!

Note: The ECB is seeking the BCCI’s expertise to explain its 0-3 ODI thrashing and making a similar report.

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

MMS, the new Harry Potter of India…

Move over Harry Potter, India has its own hero in the form of Manmohan Singh (MMS) with seven exciting books in the series.

A brief synopsis of each book…

MMS and the Sorcerer’s Wand: Our hero stumbles upon a magic wand that makes him prime minister of his kingdom. But what’s this? It is totally ineffective against inflation, price rise and media scrutiny! How will our hero overcome all of this? Read the Sorcerer’s Wand to find out!

MMS and the Chamber of Dirty Secrets: While exploring the kingdom, our hero stumbles upon the chamber that holds all the dirty secrets related to scams, corruption and other wrongdoings of the land. Being squeaky clean himself, how will he cope with this shock? And can his spotless white kurta escape the stains of all the muck around him? Read to find out…

MMS and the Prisoners of Tihar: One by one, our hero’s ministers start disappearing from his cabinet and magically apparate into Tihar Jail. Is all of this a conspiracy? And the curses and spells seem to be coming near the prime minister’s sacred inner cabinet. Can his top ministers escape? And more importantly, can he counter all the spells that are unleashed directly at him?

MMS and the Trial by Fire: Capturing the throne was the easiest part. Holding on to it is tougher. Every day our hero has to battle confidence motions, forces behind the throne, a belligerent cabinet, media scrutiny, funny fasting old men, a mysterious entity called the RSS along with forces from other evil kingdoms… Will he survive?

MMS and the Order of the Spokespersons: In this episode all the brain-dead empty headed leaders of the kingdom get together and form the highly idiotic and irritating Order of the Spokespersons. They plague the entire kingdom with their non-stop verbal spells that fly through the airwaves and multiply through cyberspace plunging the entire land into gloom. The movie version will be titled: The League of Extraordinarily Irritating (and not so) Gentle Men and Women.

MMS and the Half-blood Prince: Is the half-blood prince, who claims divine unbroken prime ministership from his father’s side, a friend or a foe? Will the prince redeem the kingdom and save it from ruin or will he usurp MMS from his coveted post and consign him to the dustbin of history? Can one live while the other survives?

MMS and the Deathly Fellows: We reach the last stage of the saga of the tragic hero. There is death and destruction all around. Reputations, schemes, plans are all dying with great regularity. No new spells can be created and the magic wand is busy deflecting mundane petty attacking spells all day. Will the lame duck manage to limp across the finishing line and maybe even take his fellowship into another term?

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

The Diggy Raja Times…

Here is the news today…

∙ Libyan leader Muhammed Gadaffi was finally killed thanks to the close ties he had developed with the RSS in the last days of his life. His views of Kashmir were highly biased since they were influenced by RSSRSS (Really Simple Syndication of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh).

∙ The Bangalore Metro finally took off because BSY, who is extremely high on RSS radiation, is no longer in charge. The relatively low level of RSS contamination faced by Sadanand Gowda greatly helped matters.

∙ The RSS Virus has finally turned Team Anna into a sick patient. I had warned earlier that it was severely affected with the RSS Virus and the symptoms are there for everyone to see now: Infighting, dissent, loss of credibility and corruption.

∙ The RSS Virus has also hit Team England who were fit enough to beat us on their soil, but have fallen sick after coming to India. There is a Patel in the team and all Patels are close to Narendra Modi. That could be the source of infection.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The Year of the Steve Jobs…

The United Nations has officially declared 2011-12 as the Year of the Steve Jobs.

The following things will be done in his honour…

∙ The nickname of New York City will be downgraded to “The Little Apple”.
“The Big Apple” will always refer to Steve Jobs.

∙ The Smiley will now officially be written as i)

∙ Whenever Jobs is being quoted, the possessive pronoun “I” will go in lower case as “i”.

∙ Apple Inc, will take the I in Inc, turn it into the lower case and prefix it to the new name.
For those who didn’t get that, the new name will be iApple.

∙ Every year on October 5, we all will have to miss at least one meal in a day and do at least one downright stupid act to honour his “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” message.

∙ Evangelists will set up the Church of iApple, which will follow the Book of Jobs as laid down by Prophet Steve.
Followers will be called the iPeople.
They will be the Chosen Ones, or the lucky dudes possessing at least one iApple product.

∙ In all future lessons it will be taught that a banana falling on Newton’s head led to the discovery of gravity.
The Apple has been exclusively reserved for Jobs.

© Sunil Rajguru