Category Archives: What if…

7 possible theories behind the Osama story…

Posted on by
Reply

7 possible theories behind the Osama story…

1. The Tere bin Laden Theory
Osama died years back anonymously. A US top official saw the Bollywood film Tere bin Laden and decided to stage-manage the death of a look-alike. That’s why the US forces simply stormed in, got time to do DNA test and dump his body in the ocean on the way back all in a matter of hours. Plot could possibly be used for a Hollywood Tere bin Laden.

2. The WillKat Wedding Theory
Obama gave the the Osama kill order on April 29. And yet Osama died only on May 2. What happened in between?
British intelligence got wind of it and Queen Elizabeth personally called Obama to postpone the capture as it would upstage the marriage of her grandson William with Kate.
Britain hasn’t been America’s best friend for nothing.

3. The Change of Leadership Theory
People within Al-Qaeda were fed up and wanted a total change of leadership and infusion of fresh blood and therefore ratted him out.

4. The Osama-Pak Fallout Theory
Pak had been housing Osama for years. A tiff over some minor issue led ISI to anonymously tip the CIA.
They later pretended to know nothing about it.

5. The I am Bored Theory
Tired of being locked indoors for 10 years, Osama cracked up and slipped out for a morning walk at 4am and was noticed by a neighbour who anonymously tipped off the ISI who anonymously tipped off the CIA.

6. The Law of Averages Theory
Osama’s security head kept him hidden for more than 3500 days.
Look what happened when he had a bad day!

7. The Dubious Dubya Theory
George W Bush got top secret info on where Osama was hiding in his second term.
He decided to use it for a rainy day in maybe his third term. Only, he forgot that he was not entitled for a third term and he forgot about the note.
Obama found a note in his drawer that said: “Open on April 14, 2011 before the re-election campaign”. The note had the coordinates for the house which has been housing Osama from 2005.
Lucky Obama!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

The truth behind “eco-friendly” Note Garlands…

Posted on by
3

Madam Supremo,

I am humbly suggesting my humble suggestion at making our party more eco-friendly. India has thousands of leaders who attend thousands of rallies in a day and are felicitated with garlands of hundreds of flowers per garland. That is millions of flowers per day and billions in a year! To think Madam Supremo, billions of flowers are plucked by selfish human hands only to go into the dustbin! This is the criminal waste! Tonnes of floral waste are also released into the environment every year.

We need a solution for this. Recycling is the mantra of the environmental world. There should be no waste, only recycling. What is the ultimate recycle of the modern world? Money! The same note comes out of the mint, goes into the bank and exchanges hands between poor people, rich people, businessmen, politicians… We can inaugurate new notes as garlands after which they will be disbanded and released into the party and further into the nation. Let us call them “Note Garlands” and implement them with immediate effect. They are eco-friendly and will help save the environment!

We can authorize garlands according to denomination and rank accordingly:

Rs 1000 notes: For Madam Supremo only.
Rs 500 notes: For senior party functionaries.
Rs 100 notes: For district level heads.
Rs 50, 20, 10, 5 notes: Free for all.
Re 1 and Rs 2 notes: Classic old notes. In short supply. For Madam Supremo on special occasions only.

To think of the enormous free publicity we will get on 24 hour news channels! There will be no need to print pamphlets for party propaganda, a further saving for the environment!

We encourage other professions to follow suit:
Journalists can felicitate Editors with garlands of yesterday’s newspapers.
Star Hotels can felicitate VVIPs with garlands of used paper napkins.
Students can felicitate teachers with garlands of used notebooks and of textbooks.
Municipalities can felicitate leaders with garlands of fallen leaves.
And so on and so forth.

We have only one planet.
Let us save it.
Jai Hind!
Jai Madam!

Yours Sincerely,
Co-ordinator
Party Felicitation Committee

© Sunil Rajguru

Sab ko badal daloonga!

Posted on by
5

Even after the renaming of Bombay as Mumbai, some groups are not at all happy…

The Mumbai Rename Everything Committee (MREC) is upset with the continuous use of Bollywood and has urged the film fraternity, journalists and writers to use Mollywood with immediate effect. Mira Nair, Mani Ratnam, Kaizad Gustad and Andrew Lloyd Webber have been petitioned to re-register their works of art as Salaam Mumbai!, Mumbai, Mumbai Boys and Mumbai Dreams respectively.

Show causes have also been issued to the Malayalam Film Industry and the Mormon Film Industry (in the US) that they cannot use the term Mollywood, which will refer exclusively to the film industry of Mumbai henceforth. Stunned American journalist Molly Wood was also issued a threat asking her to change her name.

The Walt Disney Company wasn’t spared either. They have been asked to rename of their fictional character Gordon Bombay as Gordon Mumbai. As we can see, the MREC media arm has been very busy. It has written to the producers of popular American serial Bewitched! to change the name of one of their characters from Dr Bombay to Dr Mumbai. The international division of MREC is also alarmed to learn that a town in Franklin County, New York is still being referred to as Bombay. Meanwhile, unconfirmed reports say that the Auckland administration in New Zealand will change the name of Bombay Hills to Mumbai Hills.

Various air forces of the world were mystified to receive emails saying that the area of their bomber aircrafts where bombs are kept should be named mumb bay (as against the current bomb bay). A retired US colonel on condition of anonymity revealed that in that case they would have to petition the Oxford Dictionary to change the name of bombs to mumbs.

In international news, certain black Bombay cats in Liverpool had the words Mumbai written on them in white paint.  In business news, Bombay Dyeing has called an emergency meeting to think of a new name for the company.

Police have intercepted a mysterious list titled “Kaheech rahanar nahin” (nothing will remain) with the following seemingly unrelated terms: Bombay duck (type of fish dish), Bombay mix (a snack), Bombay Sapphire (a type of gin), Bombay Before the British (a research project in Portugal), Bristol Bombay (type of aircraft), Bombay blood group (a rare blood group) and HMS Bombay (a Royal Navy Ship).

Top secret reports also confirm that the radical division of the MREC has got hold of a Time Machine. They are planning to travel back in time and change the original names to Mumbai State and the Isle of Mumbai to avoid all this confusion in the first place.

© Sunil Rajguru

How Facebook led to the end of civilization…

Posted on by
2

Facebook now has 350 million users. The milestones keep coming and coming. What next?

2010: Facebook crosses 500 million users.

2011: Facebook crosses 1 billion users.

2012: Facebook launches the Second computer and Internet Revolution. Since everyone wants to be on Facebook, everyone wants a desktop/laptop and broadband connection.

2013: The world, which was ready to get into another round of Recession, doesn’t do so thanks to the new IT and Telecom revolution.

2014: Global literacy rates go up as everyone wants to read people’s profiles on Facebook. The phenomenon of stalking vanishes as all the weirdoes start following Facebook accounts.

2015: America issues the Facebook Identity Card, which replaces all other forms of identification.

2016: India undergoes Transformation and as all the Indian politicians jump on to the Facebook bandwagon and try to get as many Friends and Fans as possible. A competition starts to get the maximum number of “Likes” after posting things like: Just laid 20 roads. Just completed the Metro Project. Just electrified 100 villages, etc.

2017: 90% of the world is now on Facebook. The remaining 10% are declared as “Dangerous to Civilization as We Know It” and are hunted down.

2018: Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg gets the Nobel Prize for Peace amidst the Facebook Witch Hunt Controversy. Facebook gets the Nobel Prize for Literature.

2019: SETI receives $100 billion funding. Humans are tiring of each other and are desperate to have aliens join Facebook.

2020: The US Presidential Elections is fought solely on Facebook. As expected, Mark Zuckerberg emerges victorious.

2021: Bharat Ratna Shashi Tharoor, the pioneer of political social networking in India, sworn in as Prime Minister.

2022: The Last Wave of Facebook Resistance is crushed. Now the whole world is Facebooked.

2023: Governments and constitutions collapse as local leaders rely solely on Facebook to make their decisions.

2024: The Facebooker Prize displaces the Nobel Prize as the most important global award.

2024: The Facebook Zeitgeist is formed. All one does is feed in one’s preferences, likes, dislikes and ideas for the world, country and city. The Zeitgeist automatically computes and calculates what the world and everyone has to do. No need for committees and bodies of any kind.

2025: Facebook Zeitgeist attains Godlike status.

2026: The Dislike button is finally introduced after years of campaigning and leads to an all-out war on Facebook.

2027: The last remaining survivors of the Facebook Resistance unleash the deadly Facebook Doomsday virus.

2028: While the Doomsday Virus initially gets 10 billion Dislikes on Facebook, nobody is able to do anything about it and eventually the whole Facebook System shuts down.

2029: With the end of Facebook, mankind is left clueless. The subsequent anarchy leads to the end the existing civilization.

3013: An archaeological find unveils lost data disks pertaining to Facebook. Experts conclude that Facebook was once a planet that existed between Mars and Jupiter and got destroyed due to some mysterious reason.

4014: Thanks to SETI’s success at transmitting the Facebook code throughout the universe, many intelligent worlds are now on to Facebook. The Facebook saga keeps rolling on, as the Grand Purpose of Facebook was not to destroy civilization on Earth, but the universe itself…

© Sunil Rajguru

If the Americans had ruled us till 1947 instead of the British…

Posted on by
5

…India would have a Presidential form of government. No instability, coalitions and partners fighting with their demands. Same at the state level with their powerful Governors.

…we would have been called the USI or United States of India.

…our national game would have been baseball… Think how much time we would have saved not playing all those 5-day matches along with the loss of productivity of the whole nation following them.

…we would have started IT services in the seventies, software development in the 80s and by now we would have overtaken Silicon Valley. Microsoft India would be bigger than Microsoft US and Bill Gates would have become an honorary Indian citizen.

…we would been a Capitalistic Democratic Republic and in the throes of a Great Depression along with the US, our GDP would have seen negative growth.

…the Left parties wouldn’t have existed.

… the PIO (Person of Indian Origin) would be the biggest minority group in the US and a PIO would have become Prez long before Obama.

…the Rajya Sabha would be called the Indian Senate and be actually powerful and relevant.

…we would have been a nation of coffee drinkers. Since coffee is a bigger stimulant than tea, would we all have been more alert and productive?

…Britain would have been just another island for us.

…we would all have been driving to the right.

…it would have been Maruti Ford and it would have come maybe a decade earlier.

…since India would have been an ally of the US, Pak and Russia would have joined hands.

…US would force China and India to have strong ties and signed a UCIFTA (US China India Free Trade Agreement).

…we would be more worried about Taiwan than Tibet.

…The Khidki Operating System would have been developed in Bangalore and be a best seller in the country.

…Shashi Tharoor would have been the UN Secretary General now and India would have got a permanent seat in the Security Council.

…New Delhi would have been struggling to host the 2012 Olympics right now and not the 2010 Commonwealth Games.

…there would be no cricket in India! Can you even begin to comprehend that!

…Slumdog Millionaire would have been directed by Steven Spielberg and be full of Indian Americans and special effects.

…Green and Gay would have been both very in.

…our parents’ generation would have all participated in a Woodstock-type festival.

…Obama would have tripled aid to India in his latest bill.

…George W Bush would have got the Bharat Ratna this year.

…we would have had two time zones.

…there would be no babugiri and sahab syndromes and peons and we would all be doing all our work by ourselves.

© Sunil Rajguru

6 things I wish would spill out from the online to offline world

Posted on by
4

Restart Button
I’ve made a mess of my life. Just press Restart and start all over gain. This project is a mess. Press Restart and we’ll begin from scratch. What if we could Restart college life, marriage, you name it…

Human Body Version 1.1, 2.0…
A human becomes an adult say at the age of 18 and that’s version 1.0. And hey man it deteriorates after that! The body, the energy levels, everything! It’s like going from Version 1.0 to 0.9 to 0.8… to 0.0 (death). Maybe when we become cyborgs, we will have a Version 1.1 or Version 2.0.

Search
Here’s something I wanted to show you in this book… I can’t find it. Where are my keys? Where’s my mobile charger? Can’t every thing in the house have a tiny tag that beeps when you key in its name to some device? What about offline searches for friends, events, restaurants…

Status Message
I want to have a Facebook style status message hanging over my head all the time like… “I’m angry”, “I’m hungry”, “I’m sleepy”, “Do not disturb”, “Need help”… That would save a lot of explaining. People would come straight to the point.

Undo
If not a full restart that will change everything, then at least a simple undo for the last stupid thing I’ve done?

Antivirus and anti-spam
An antivirus and anti-spam against all the people who bug me and bad events that are coming my way.

© Sunil Rajguru