10 things you can do if UPA3 comes to power in 2014…

1. Emigrate.

2. Commit suicide.

3. Demand that the BJP be banned permanently to avoid any future false hopes.

4. Demand that Modi be exiled for the sake of future peace.

5. Declare democracy dead, call ourselves a monarchy and abolish General Elections.

6. Spend like crazy. Money will soon become worthless anyway. Enjoy your last days.

7. Call him Mahatma Pappu, the official Father of the Nation.

8. Start and watch only 24X7 Diggy Raja TV. Anything anyone else says is worthless anyway in this regime.

9. Put pictures of the dynasty in your house and worship them.

10. Do away with Bills, let everything be decided via Ordinance. Why waste time debating the inevitable?

© Sunil Rajguru

Modi, tere paas kya hai?

Indian Politician: Mere paas US ka ticket hai, elite institute ka degree hai, fancy English accent hai, exclusive club membership hai, international friend aur contact circle hai, dollars ki dher hai… tere paas kya hai?
Modi: Saala ye US Presidential polls hai ki Lok Sabha elections?

Parliament: Mere paas murder accused hai, rape accused hai, 2G scam hai, Coalgate hai, CWG hai, ungineet scams hai, disruption ka power hai, anek walkouts hai, Swiss bank accounts hai, (in fact Sachin Tendulkar bhi hai)… tere paas kya hai?
Modi: Aila! Aur aap criminal mujhe bolte hai?

Indian leader: Mere paas caste equations hai, minority votebank hai, regional satraps ka backing hai, pseudo-intellectuals ka fraud secular certificate hai… tere paas kya hai?
Modi: Aur mujhe laga ki 1947 ke baad Constitution ne sab ko equal bana diya… no discrimination on the basis of caste, religion, region…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Twisted quotes for modern Indian politics…

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime—Original quote.
Teach a man to fish and you lose votes. Promise to feed a man a fish every day and you can rule for a lifetime—Sonia Mata on the eve of the Food Bill Ordinance.

I think, therefore I am—Descartes.
I don’t think, therefore am I not?—Pappu.

Think before you speak—Saying.
I speak a lot, but what is this “think” funda that everyone keeps talking about?—Diggy Raja saying.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?—Saying.
With spokespersons like these, who needs the Opposition?—Congress will be saying after the 2014 polls.

Look before you leap—Saying.
Look, I am leaping on your freedom of speech—Government of India is saying.

The BJP pokes its nose in everything—Renuka says.
I don’t have that problem is my nose is always high up in the air—Unsaid.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

New Third Front formula…

1. Head of party with most number of seats will become Prime Minister.
Second and Third parties will get a Deputy Prime Minister each.
Head of other parties will get plum posts: Home Minister, Defence Minister, Foreign Minister etc….

2. All regional parties that participate will get a special package for their respective states.

3. Railway Minister will only announce projects only for participating states. Same will apply to all other ministries and projects.

4. All heads of participating parties will form a Special Panel which the CBI will report to.

5. Special efforts will be made to clip the wings of the Congress and BJP. Let them get a taste of their own medicine!

6. The rest of India can go to hell, so States which don’t participate, beware!

7. In case all of the above fails, then the grand power sharing formula will be unveiled.
Every year will see one Prime Minister and two Deputy Prime Ministers.
This will be decided by a draw of lots and so for 5 years we can have 5 PMs and 10 Dy PMs, thereby fulfilling the ambitions of the Top 15 political parties in India apart from the Congress and BJP!

Bonus: If all the non-Congress and non-BJP parties have the required numbers then we could even impose a permanent Emergency!

Slogans…

United we rule, divided the Congress or BJP rules.

United we can divide this nation.

Ho raha hai Third Front Nirmaan.

Make Third Front your First Choice.

Third Front Shining.

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but can you actually do without cooks?

India is actually a Third Class country and therefore deserves the Third Front.

One’s lonely, two’s company and three’s not a crowd.

© Sunil Rajguru

Pappu’s actual speech…

Scam kaun laya?
Congress! (1948 jeep scandal)

Superscam kaun laya?
Congress! (Bofors)

Megascam kaun laya?
UPA! (2G)

Ayodhya Ramjanmabhoomi issue kaun laya?
Congress! (Opening of locks, installation of idols all under our watch!)

Dictatorship kaun laya?
Congress! (Emergency)

Party autocracy kaun laya?
Congress! (Dynasty)

Federalism ka band kisne bajaya?
Congress! (Article 356)

Communal riots kaun laya?
Congress! (1969, 80, 83, 84, 89, 92-93…)

EC ko kisne split kiya?
Congress! (Post-TN Seshan)

CAG ko kaun nahin manta?
Congress!

Internet ka policing kisne kiya?
Congress! (Section 66A)

PM ka office kisne dilute kiya?
Congress! (Remote control)

CBI ka kaun hai maalik?
Congress!

Lokpal Bill ko maximum kisne na-pass karaya?
Congress!

RTI ke upar kaun hai?
Congress!

Pappu kiska raja hain?
Congress!

© Sunil Rajguru

The Secret Black Book of Narendra Modi…

1. Corporate India objections: Sabse pahale raaste se hat gaye. (Main Development ka baap)

2. State Elections: Raaste se hat gaye, won 3. (Woo hoo!)

3. Courts: Raaste se hat gaye, no convictions till date. (Take that detractors!)

4. Mainstream media: Raaste se hat gaye, now they give me maximum coverage. (Virtually my PR agencies!)

5. RSS: Woh to hamesha mere saath the, log jaante hi nahin. (RSS main pala bada hua hu bhai!)

6. Party politics: Raaste se hat gaya. I am numero uno now. (I love to party in Goa!)

7. Advani: Buddha finally raaste se hat gaya. Irrelevant now. (Hamse jo takrayega…)

8. Nitish: The only other serious NDA PM candidate, raaste se hat gaya. (Bharat chhodo, ab hamare bina Bihar ko sambhaal ke dikha!)

9. Lok Sabha polls campaign: Sab raaste se hat gaye, ab main lead karoonga. (Watch out Sonia-Rahul-MMS!)

10. Lok Sabha seats and allies: <Watch this Space/Coming Soon>

© Sunil Rajguru