Category Archives: What if…

If Modi would speak…

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Modi elections jeet nahin sakta!
–>Lo! Teen jeet liye!

Modi CM raha nahin sakta!
–>Lo! Dus saal ke liye raha!

India Modi ko kabhi accept nahin kargega!
–>Lo! Saare opinion polls main hum aage hai!

Modi ke paas India ke liye koi vision nahin hai!
–>Lo! To mere saare speeches non-stop sab TV channels cover kyun kar rahe?

BJP Modi ko kabhi project nahin karega!
–>Lo! Kar liya!

Modi elections jeet nahin sakta, allies mil nahin sakte aur PM ban nahin sakta.
–>Ha! Khushi se isko lakhon baar bolte raho, bolte raho…

© Sunil Rajguru

If the commentators included match-fixing in their commentary…

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…that’s a Yes Bank maximum, but it’s a poor delivery, is it fixed, in that case it definitely is a yes Bank Maximum delivery for the bowler…

…all the wickets are falling like nine pins, looks like the bookies have thrown crores and crores on the batsman of a single team…

…the captain signals the bowler to get his act together who in turn ignores the captain and signals the bookie by taking out his towel…

…everything seems to be slipping through the fielders hands except the pile of cash he will surely collect at the end of this match…

…is such a bad batsman that he can’t even score runs in what clearly looks like a fixed over…

…how many overs are fixed in this match? For your guesses, Tweet to…

…how do you feel when your team has clearly won a fixed match, call in at…

…the captain is making some pretty strange decisions, looks like the bookies have finally got to him…

© Sunil Rajguru

Answer paper for Indian SPSC (Scam the Public Services Commission)…

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Q1: Please give an example of one scam in the following ministries…

Finance Ministry: Harshad Mehta Scam.
Defence Ministry: Bofors
Power Ministry: Enron.
Sports Ministry: Commonwealth Scam.
Foreign Ministry: Oil for Food Scam.
Telecom Ministry: 2G.
IT Ministry: Satyam.
Industries Ministry: Cement Scam.
Civil Aviation Ministry: DIAL Scam.
Coal Ministry: Coalgate.
Mining Ministry: Madhu Koda Scam.
Agriculture Ministry: Palmolein Scam.
Road Transport and Highways Ministry: Highway Scam.
Tourism Ministry: Taj Corridor Scam.
Parliamentary Affairs Ministry: Cash-for-votes Scandal.
Health Ministry: UP NRHM Scam.
Shipping Ministry: Belekeri Port Scam.
Atomic Energy Ministry. Thorium Scam.
Space Ministry: ISRO S-Band Scam.
Minority Affairs Ministry: Wakf Land Scam.

Q2: Please give an example of one scam in the following States…

Andhra Pradesh: EMMAR Scam.
Arunachal Pradesh: PDS Scam.
Assam: Education Scam.
Bihar: Fodder Scam.
Goa: SEZ Scam.
Gujarat: Sugarcane Scam.
Haryana: Forest Scam.
Himachal Pradesh: Pulse Scam.
J&K: Recruitment Scam.
Jharkhand: MGNREGA Scam.
Karnataka: Bellary Mining Scam.
Kerala: Sex Parlour Scandal.
Madhya Pradesh: MGNREGA Scam.
Maharashtra: Irrigation Scam.
Meghalaya: Forest Scam.
Odisha:Paddy Scam.
Punjab: Paddy Scam.
Rajasthan:Vasundhara Raje Land Scam.
Tamil Nadu: Granite Scam.
Uttar Pradesh: Stamp Duty Scam.
Uttarakhand: Land Scam.
West Bengal: Purulia Arms Drop.

Q3: Please give an example of one scam associated with the following countries…

Canada: SNC-Lavalin.
Czech Republic: Tatra.
France: Scorpene.
Germany: HDW.
Iraq: Oil for Food.
Italy: Finmeccanica.
Japan: Maruti 1970s Scam.
Latvia: Purulia Arms Drop.
Malaysia: Palmolein Scam.
Singapore: Kuo Oil.
South Africa: Cricket match-fixing.
Sweden: Bofors.
United Kingdom: Jeep Scam.
United States: Enron.
West Indies: St Kitts Forgery.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

In my next life, I want to be reborn as…

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…a pigeon, so I could crap on everyone and everything whenever I want.

…a tiger, so I could sleep for 20 hours a day and work for only 4 hours.

…a cat, so I could lick myself all day and not give a damn about anyone.

…a dog, so I could unconditionally love one person for life.

…a shark, then the Jaws theme music would be my lunch tune.

…a panda, so I could sit around and eat all day non-stop doing nothing else.

…a tortoise and take life real slow and easy.

…a rabbit and reproduce like crazy.

…Great Basin Bristlecone Pine and live for a few thousand years.

…a mosquito and live on blood like a vampire.

© Sunil Rajguru

Gettysburg Address reloaded for India…

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“Three score and five years ago our politicians brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in netagiri, and dedicated to the proposition that all politicians are created equal. This government of the politicians, by the politicians, for the politicians, shall not perish from the country.”

Since every politician from every party swears by this and is interested only in the welfare of politicians and not people, the names of the political parties and coalitions should actually be changed to…

United Politicians’ Alliance

Indian Politicians’ Congress

Neta’s Democratic Alliance

Bharatiya Neta Party

Communist Politicians of India

Communist Politicians of India (Max) (Max=To the Maximum)

Neta Dal (A,B,C…Z)

Netawadi Party

Rashtriya Neta Dal

Indian National Neta Dal

J&K Politicians’ Conference

United Front of Politicians

Left Front of Politicians

Biju Neta Dal

Bahuneta Samaj Party

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

What if in 2050…

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∙ The human race is on the verge of extinction as mobile phone radiation is life-threatening over lifelong usage.
(Or maybe the meek (mobile illiterate minority) have indeed inherited the Earth.)

∙ Global Warming turns out to be the biggest fraud as the human race is caught totally unawares by the coming of the next Ice Age.

∙ The entire human race goes insane as it fails to distinguish between Actual Reality and Virtual Reality. Virtual Insanity is the epidemic that goes way beyond tuberculosis, AIDS and cancer.

∙ Gambia becomes the 54th country to get atomic bombs as nuclear Armageddon is indeed a reality.

∙ Women dominate every profession in the world as most men end up becoming househusbands.
(Husband in fact comes from the word housebound!)

∙ The world achieves its dream of being paperless and hence ecofriendly only to have a supervirus wreak havoc on the Internet Cloud, rendering the world back to the pre-computer age.

∙ Finally there is no progress in the world as World War 3 has transported mankind back to the Stone Age.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru