Osama’s death in Hollywood quotes…

Yes, we will finally see a photograph and probably video of Osama’s death.
But has anyone outside of American citizens actually seen his body?

Jerry Maguire
Show me the body!

Casablanca
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful conspiracy theory.

Apollo 13
Attobad Mission Centre: Islamabad, we have a problem!

Gone With the Wind
Obama to Zardari: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

On the Waterfront
Pak to US: You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a terrorist state, which is what I am.

Star Wars
The Taliban to Osama, when he left Afghanistan: May Pakistan be with you.

Cool Hand Luke
US-Pak ties: What we’ve got here is (a) failure to communicate.

A Few Good Men
Obama to Zardari: You can’t handle the truth!

The Terminator
The Ghost of Osama: I’ll be back.

Frankenstein
It’s dead! It’s dead!

Psycho
A Pak government’s best friend is his terrorist.

Wall Street
Pak creed: Terrorism, for lack of a better word, is good.

Sons of the Desert
Zardari Hardy to Laurel ISI: Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!

Casablanca
Osama: Of all the ISI joints in all the towns in all of Pakistan, they walk into mine.

Titanic
Obama: I’m king of the world!

Grand Hotel
Osama: I want to be alone

Casablanca
The ISI after the capture: Round up the usual suspects.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Osama “death” musings…

Rumsfeld’s “unknowns” trumped…
Did Pakistan not know Osama was in Pakistan?
(How could they not know?)
Or are they merely pretending to not know?
If Pakistan knew, then did America know that Pakistan knew?
Or is Pakistan really playing the game… Does Pakistan know that America knows that Pakistan knew?
Past: They knew. Present: They are pretending to not know. Future: Who knows?

On Osama’s tombstone…
In Life: Osama bin Laden
In Death: Osama bin Body

The moot question….
Which Body was thrown into the ocean?
The Body of Evidence?
Or…
The Body of Lies?

Crazy conspiracy theory No. 2456…
Did Obama kill Osama?
Taking a vague and far-fetched numerology equation…
Put Obama and Osama side by side.
Cancel all the common letters.
All that is left is B… and S…
BS–>BullShit!

© Sunil Rajguru

7 possible theories behind the Osama story…

7 possible theories behind the Osama story…

1. The Tere bin Laden Theory
Osama died years back anonymously. A US top official saw the Bollywood film Tere bin Laden and decided to stage-manage the death of a look-alike. That’s why the US forces simply stormed in, got time to do DNA test and dump his body in the ocean on the way back all in a matter of hours. Plot could possibly be used for a Hollywood Tere bin Laden.

2. The WillKat Wedding Theory
Obama gave the the Osama kill order on April 29. And yet Osama died only on May 2. What happened in between?
British intelligence got wind of it and Queen Elizabeth personally called Obama to postpone the capture as it would upstage the marriage of her grandson William with Kate.
Britain hasn’t been America’s best friend for nothing.

3. The Change of Leadership Theory
People within Al-Qaeda were fed up and wanted a total change of leadership and infusion of fresh blood and therefore ratted him out.

4. The Osama-Pak Fallout Theory
Pak had been housing Osama for years. A tiff over some minor issue led ISI to anonymously tip the CIA.
They later pretended to know nothing about it.

5. The I am Bored Theory
Tired of being locked indoors for 10 years, Osama cracked up and slipped out for a morning walk at 4am and was noticed by a neighbour who anonymously tipped off the ISI who anonymously tipped off the CIA.

6. The Law of Averages Theory
Osama’s security head kept him hidden for more than 3500 days.
Look what happened when he had a bad day!

7. The Dubious Dubya Theory
George W Bush got top secret info on where Osama was hiding in his second term.
He decided to use it for a rainy day in maybe his third term. Only, he forgot that he was not entitled for a third term and he forgot about the note.
Obama found a note in his drawer that said: “Open on April 14, 2011 before the re-election campaign”. The note had the coordinates for the house which has been housing Osama from 2005.
Lucky Obama!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Ye dushmani hum nahin todenge…

Dedicated to Indo-Pak relations, please sing to the tune of Ye dosti hum nahin todenge from Sholay

Ye dushmani hum nahin todenge,
Todenge dam magar teri gardan na chhodenge.

Teri haar meri jeet, teri jeet meri haar,
Sun ae jhoothe yaar,
Tera gham kabhi ho na kam, jaayegi meri jaan ya teri jaan,
Aisa apna takraar.

Nukes se bhi khelenge, mauka to udalenge,
Danger pe bhi khelenge, tere liye le lenge,
Tere har dushmano se dosti,
Ye dushmani hum nahin todenge.

Todenge dam magar,
Teri gardan na chhodenge.

Logon ko aate hain do Kashmir nazar magar,
Dekho do nahin,
Arre ho judaa ya khafa ae khuda hai dua,
Kashmir sirf hame mile…

Goli barood saath hai,
Marna jeena saath hai,
Saari zindagi,
Yeh dushmani hum nahin todenge
Todenge dam magar teri gardan na chhodenge…

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

(Original song: Ye dosti, hum nahin chhodenge
Film: Sholay
Year: 1975)

April 2011 Status Updates

∙ Just because you want to make Brick plural, you use the word s.
Just because you want to make BRIC plural, you use South Africa?

(April 14)

∙ Tired of India winning the Corruption World Cup over and again, Anna Hazare throws a googly at the politicians…

(April 5)

∙ Lord of the Cups trilogy:
1983: The Fellowship of the Cup
1987&1996: The Twin Towers of Defeat
2011: Return of the Cup.

∙ No jinx jinxed enough for Dhoni to fix.

∙ Saare ICC rankings gaye tel lene!
We are world champions for the next four years!

∙ Prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old and in cricket world cups, India will beat Pakistan, South Africa will choke, Australia and Sri Lanka will fight, the West Indies will crash and the minnows will always flatter to decieve.

‎∙ 1983: WC in England. 1985: Mini WC in Aus. 2002: Mini WC in Lanka. 2007: T20 WC in SA.

∙ 2011: WC in India! Finally tigers at home!

∙ The BCCI has foresight. No wonder we’ve been playing with Sri Lanka so much in the last two years. They knew the two would meet in the final and hence practice for that!

∙ Dhoni ko harana mushkil hi nahin, namumkin hai!

∙ First Politician: How do we sort out all these scams, corruption, public backlashes…
Second Politician: Forget it! India has just won the world cup!

∙ New post-World Cup theme song:
Diya ghuma ke!

∙ The Cup of Vengeance!
1996 WC Semis defeat to SL: Avenged!
2003 WC Final loss to Aus: Avenged!
2007 WC loss to Bangla: Avenged
General losses to Pak: Avenged!
Losses to SA in 2011: SA avenged themselves!

‎∙ 28 years baad is banjar sookhi zameen par baarish hui ha.
World Cup monsoon aayo re!

∙ Bockbuster: Main Hoon Na!
Starring MS Dhoni as SRK and Piyush Chawla/S Sreesanth as Zayed Khan.
Ashwin: To Main Nahin Hoon Kya?
Who cares? They all won the World Cup!

(April 3)

∙ Will it Sachin get a second chance at being third time lucky?
(2×3=Sixth world cup appearance)

(April 1)

© Sunil Rajguru