Tag Archives: cricket

Aussie Mohali 3-0 musings…

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· Dhawan: I replaced Sehwag.
Vijay: I displaced Gambhir.
Pujara: I’m the New Wall.
Kohli: I filled Dada’s void.
Dhoni: I’m in Laxman’s position.
Rahane (Looking at Sachin): Sigh! Mera number kab aayega?

· Mickey Arthur: What’s my homework?
Cricket Australia: Go home and get some other work. We need a new coach.

· Sound of Music: I am 16, going on 17…
Sound of Cricketing Music: We are 3-0, going on 4-0…

· And in other news, the ODI World Champions win their (almost) T20 match at Mohali.

· The Last Minute should be renamed as The Dhoni Minute.

· At this rate, all the Aussie bowlers will now refuse to do their homework in the hope of getting out of the Fourth Test.

· 1984: Mooche ho toh Nathulal jaisi ho warna naa ho.
2013: Mooche ho toh Shikhar Dhawan jaisi ho warna naa ho.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

To market, to market with the IPL…

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Sabjiwallah: Aloo lo, mooli lo, adrak lo…
IPLwallah: Ponting lo, Dhoni lo, Sachin lo…

Shopkeeper: I got a real bargain on this shirt and bagged it real cheap.
IPL Team Owner: I got a real bargain on Clarke and bagged him real cheap.

Shopkeeper: We are having a real problem due to unsold goods.
PCB: We are having a real problem due to unsold goods… err… players.

Manager: You will be amazed to know how much ROI I got over that deal.
CSK: You will be amazed to know how much ROI we got over that Dhoni.

Mukesh Ambani: I’m a Forbes billionaire.
Glenn Maxwell: I’m an IPL millionaire.

Co-employee: Send your resume across and you’ll know how much you’re really worth.
Cricketer: Stand in the IPL auction and you’ll know how much you’re really worth.

Kerry Packer: Big boys play at night.
Srinivasan: Big boys play only play for big bucks.

Bogart in Casablanca: We’ll always have Paris.
Mallya to son: Even if we lose all our other companies, we’ll always have RCB.

Yesterday: Who is Kane Richardson?
Today: He is worth $300,000 more than his countrymen Ponting and Clarke.

At all other times: Ponting, which is the best captain you’ve played under? Waugh!
During IPL season: Ponting, which is the best captain you’ve played under? Ganguly! (Next year, he’ll say Sachin!)

Yesterday’s cricketer: I want to play for my country 12 months a year.
Today’s cricketer: I want to party and play in IPL for 1.5 months and relax for the remaining 10.5 months.

Yesterday: The more matches you play, the more money you get.
Today: Once you get a good price at the auction, you’ll have a greater ROI per match, the lesser matches you play!

Analyst: The stocks of IT companies are down this season.
IPL: The stocks of Windies players are down this season.

Companies board: The following company has gone bankrupt and been liquidated.
IPL: Kochi Tuskers is declared bankrupt and been liquidated.

© Sunil Rajguru

December 2012 Status Updates

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• The BCCI will soon honour Rohit Sharma for the most “Guest Appearances” in an Indian innings.

(December 30)

• US Politicians: Lead from the Front.
Indian Politicians: Hide from all Fronts.

(December 29)

• “He was the best of writers, he was the worst of writers.”
(Since Rediff compares Chetan Bhagat to Charles Dickens)

(December 28 )

• Overheard at NDC meet…
Jaya to Manmohan: You have no idea how humiliated I feel.
Manmohan to Jaya: Ha! I know. By now “Humiliation” has become my middle name.

• Overheard at NDC meet…
Manmohan to Jaya: Your time as speaker is up.
Jaya to Manmohan: Your time as PM is up.

(December 27)

• Before every Press Conference, Dhoni says: Which one should I tick today?
A. Our batsmen failed.
B. Our bowlers failed.
C. The pitch failed.
D. We were just unlucky.
E. All of the above.

(December 26)

• The Mayans said that the world will end on 21122012.
That’s 21 million years away.
Some wise guy read it as 21.12.2012.

(December 25)

• Take Dabangg.
Dilute it 2 times.
Get Dabangg 2.

(December 22)

• Sanjay Nirupam to Smriti Irani: Aap to paise ke liye thumke lagati thi!
Translation: The Congress welcomes rapists, murderers and criminals in its party, but not former TV stars.

(December 21)

• Arnab Goswami to interview look-alike statues instead of guests instead of the originals.
This’ll save costs and nobody will notice the difference.
Only Arnab talks anyway.
The interview of Manmohan Singh is sure to be a blockbuster.

(December 18 )

• Every Pakistani cricket team dreams of beating India in India.
Every Pakistani politician dreams of insulting India in India.
Rehman Malik will give a big Thank You card to Manmohan on his way back.

(December 17)

• Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me a 100 times and I’m India while you’re Pakistan.
Aao, Rehman Malik, hamari baja ke jao…

(December 16)

• Can’t play abroad. Can’t play spin at home. Can’t play pace at home.
Test cricket England main paida hua, Australia main jawaan hua aur India main boodha hoke mar gaya.

• Once Sehwag’s favourite dish was Bowlers Fry.
Now its Duck Soup.

(December 14)

• 1990…
Critic: Aap desh ko bech rahe ho!
Prime Minister Chandrashekhar: Khareedega kaun?
2010…
Critic: Aap desh ko bech rahe ho!
Prime Minister: Ab koi khatra nahin kyunki desh poori tarah se bik chuka hai!

(December 12)

• BSP: We’ll support FDI if you get Promotion bill.
Congress: OK!
SP: We’ll support FDI if you don’t get Promotion Bill.
Congress: OK!
Newcomer: Ab kya?
Old-timer: Chhod, roz ka re!

• Oppan Ganganam Style: PSY
Open Rebellion Style: BSY

• Congress: There’s no democracy within the party.
BJP: There’s too much democracy within the party.
SP/BSP: Partymen don’t even know what democracy is.

(December 10)

• 20 more IITs? Hope they don’t become Inferior Institutes of Technology.

• Karnataka and Tamil Nadu are the only states whose ties are measured in cusecs.

(December 6)

• We have severe cultural differences with Norway. Here we simply kill girls in the womb for being girls and kill boys who marry outside the community in the name of honour.

• Dhoni to selectors trying to push for Bhajji: Don’t give me gyan, just give me Pragyan. I want to win. So just add AshWin.

• Old publishers: We will have our books in every nook and corner.
New publishers: We will have our books in every Nook and Kindle.

• Q: Unlike others, how come you read the writing on the wall and quit at the right time?
Rahul Dravid: Well it was was easier for me, as I am the wall, remember?

(December 5)

• Olympic motto: Faster, Higher, Stronger.
Indian Olympic motto: Faster profits, Higher bribes, Stronger scams.

• In terms of representation, the Olympics has just lost 1.2 billion people.
In terms of medal count it has lost just 0.6%.

• India has always had some form of FDI for 2000+ years, from Alexander to the Mughals to the British.
Why create such a hoo-haa now?

(December 4)

∙ In conservative India, gay still means happy, bisexual is in biology texts, transgender transcends intelligence and the very concept of lesbianism makes heads spin. And LGBT? Sound like another version of the BT plant.

∙ The Times of India has transformed Page 3 journalism again.
Now the Front Page is the new Page 3, thanks to the full page ad at the beginning.

∙ Old: Ek haath se paisa do, doosre haath se vote lo.
New: Ek click se paisa bhejo, doosre click se vote pao.

(December 3)

© Sunil Rajguru

A revenge series gone horribly wrong…

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There were Prior failures, but India refused to listen to the warning Bell and our batsmen kept Trotting back to the pavilion thereby Cooking our goose. India de-Flowered at home! This has to be the Swann song for many Indians who are not in fine Nick. Will the BCCI get to the Root of the problem and make Broad-based changes or will we have another full Monty when Australia visits us?

© Sunil Rajguru

Indian cricket decline musings…

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• Indian Test team needs FDI. Needs to include 4 foreign players like an IPL team to remain internationally competitive.

• GB Shaw remixed: Cricket is a game played by 22 fools, watched by 22,000 spectators, followed by 22 crore people on TV and has probably generated 22 billion useless status messages by now.

• Dravid and Laxman have ruined it forever. After Eden 2001, fans always believe we can make a comeback from the most hopeless of situations.

• Even myths on decline…
Sachin scored only two Test 50s in 2012.
India lost both matches.
New myth: Whenever Sachin scores a 50, we lose.

• Pitches fast, flat ya ho spinning,
India can just forget about winning.

• Waiting for the day when the BCCI will ban the ICC for not following its rules.

• In 1675 Captain Cook discovered the South Sandwich Islands.
In 2012, Captain Cook converted the Indian attack into a Sandwich and had it for lunch as India went South.

• Na Vir hoke khele, na Gambhirta se khele, koi Virat score nahin, Sachi’ main ab Bharat cricket ka Yuvraj bhi nahin… That’s the Mahi Way.

• BCCI is fighting for money, Dhoni is fighting against curators, Sachin is fighting age, Sehwag is fighting his instincts, Bhajji is fighting for his form, Yuvi is fighting for a permanent place, Rahane is fighting to get in, Fletcher is still fighting to establish himself… Who is fighting England?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Indian cricket musings…

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∙ Can’t pace. Can’t spin. Can’t play pace. Can’t play spin.
But can still spin the ad market at a frantic pace.

∙ Dhoni sahab, mitti pe itna dhyaan doge to mitti main hi mil jaoge.
Insaan match khelta hai, pitch ki mitti nahin.

∙ Cricketer 1980: It is not about winning or losing, but playing well.
Cricketer 2012: It is not about winning or losing, but earning well.

∙ The pitch needs a Curator.
Indian cricket needs a Cure.

∙ Dhoni checklist. Can’t sack Fletcher. Can’t sack Gambhir. Can’t sack Sachin. Can’t sack self. So… sack curator!

∙ 2009: At least we are Test No. 1.
2010: At least we give a fight on foreign soil.
2011: At least we win at home.
2012: At least… F*** it! We still have all the money!

∙ As lucky as Dhoni has become As stubborn as Dhoni.
As godlike as Sachin has become As mortal as Sachin.
As ineffective as Duncan Fletcher remains.

∙ Jab tak sooraj chand rahega,
Dhoni captain aur Sachin khelta rahega.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru