News in Limericks 3

There was this team from India,
That lost badly to Britannia,
Not once but again,
and again and again,
Par apne gali main goro ko dikha diya!

There was this domino in Tunisia,
That fell and rocked Arabia,
The dominoes did fall and fall,
And fall and fall and fall,
Till they reached Wall Street in America!

There was this thing called Corruption,
Which was attacked by this thing called anshan,
The government did shake,
And managed the fast to break,
But now Team Anshan’s mired in dissent and corruption!

There was this exotic “Indo-Pak talk”,
That was opposed by many a hawk,
The moment it raised its head,
A blast would turn everything red,
And peace would be forced to take a walk.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Knock Knock Jokes 7

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Cook.
Cook who?
That’s right. Cuckoos all of you have become on Indian soil, after being lions at home.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Shoe.
Shoe who?
Sorry Shoe shoe… shoo shoo go away. No shoeing allowed. I ain’t no Bush!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Marx.
Marx who?
Mark my words I said, didn’t I, that no good would come from this type of capitalism!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Recession.
Recession who?
Yeah, that’s right, keep pretending you don’t know me and brushing me under the carpet and I’ll keep getting bigger and bigger and eventually depress you big time.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Shahrukh.
Shahrukh who?
Yeah I knew you’d forgotten me. Haven’t had a blockbuster for 3 years, but now I’m going to blitz you so much that you’ll get totally sick of me. Me Jeevan. All other superstars Ravans.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Every day is a Sonday 6…

∙ Sick and tired of hearing about problems with Pakistan and China, my nine-year-old son asks if India can declare independence from Asia and become an island once again as it was millions of years ago.

∙ When he’s optimistic about tomorrow, he uses the term “Bright side of the future”. Pessimistic: “Dark side of the future”.

∙ He prepared an airport with his blocks, tracks, toy planes and cars. At the end of it, he said, “OK now to organize for sponsorship before the inauguration,” and promptly sat down sketching billboard ads on a sheet of paper.
Then he held a plane in his hand and asked “Can you check from the window which direction the wind is blowing?” When I asked why, I was told that the plane always had to land or take off against the wind, something I had only explained to him some time back.
Talk about simple kid games!

∙ Children nowadays seem to be aware of all developments relevant to them. I don’t believe in Credit Cards so I always get away from buying anything for him off the Internet. One day, when I came home he promptly informed me that from now on I had no excuses for Web purchases as Flipkart accepted cash on delivery!

Overheard…

∙ You have to agree.
I can’t. For then both of us would be wrong!

∙ How was school today?
Terrible!
Why?
The whole class was in a state of shock!
Why?
The class teacher changed today.

∙ Can I use your cap?
Yes.
Sure?
Yes.
You won’t be angry?
Yes.
Great! I used it last week! Thanks!

∙ How soon will a spaceship reach Proxima Centauri if it travels at 10,000 times the speed of light?
But you can’t travel faster than the speed of light.
Says who? Haven’t you heard? Einstein is no longer right.
(Funnily, he seems to forget most of the things he reads in his text books, but nothing from newspapers or news channels.)

© Sunil Rajguru

UPA Government Scorecard…

A Raja___ c. CBI b. CAG.

Suresh Kalmadi___ c. CBI b. Shunglu.

Kanimozhi___ Hit Wicket b. CBI.

Shashi Tharoor___ Seriously injured in practice match.

KC Rao___ Retired Hurt (on moral grounds).

Prakash Karat___ Injured as a result of nuclear radiation.

Mamata Banerji___ Retired Hurt (of feelings).

Sharad Pawar___ Promoted to international league.

Chidambaram___ b. S Swamy, Third Umpire appeal pending.

Digvijay Singh*___ Batting non-stop with a flourish of fours and sixes…

Manmohan Singh* (C)___ Severely bruised and battered, but still batting bravely.

Expert Commentary: Manish Tiwari, Ambika Soni & Renuka Chaudhary.

Non-playing captain: Rahul Gandhi.

Coach: Pranab Mukherjee.

Chairman of Selectors: Sonia Gandhi.

Opposition: Team Anna, Media, CAG, Courts & Common Man.

(Other political parties unable to put together a fighting fit Team XI.)

© Sunil Rajguru

The mystery of the Pokebook…

Dear Facebook,

What the hell do you mean by the feature called Poke?

When someone pokes me, what does that mean? For what joy has it been done?

You very happily inform me that “X has poked you. Poke back.”

Why?

And if I’m poking someone, where am I poking him?

In the eye? In the stomach?

With my finger? With a stick?

“Poke fun at” means to ridicule someone.

“Poke one’s nose into” means to meddle in someone’s affairs…

(That’s what most of us do on Facebook anyway, so is that the real meaning?)

I searched the web and found a quote by your creator Mark Zuckerburg: When we created the poke, we thought it would be cool to have a feature without any specific purpose.

How pokinine!

(My new word for asinine)

Ending this letter with a Superpoke,

Regards,

Sunil Rajguru

The Year of the Steve Jobs…

The United Nations has officially declared 2011-12 as the Year of the Steve Jobs.

The following things will be done in his honour…

∙ The nickname of New York City will be downgraded to “The Little Apple”.
“The Big Apple” will always refer to Steve Jobs.

∙ The Smiley will now officially be written as i)

∙ Whenever Jobs is being quoted, the possessive pronoun “I” will go in lower case as “i”.

∙ Apple Inc, will take the I in Inc, turn it into the lower case and prefix it to the new name.
For those who didn’t get that, the new name will be iApple.

∙ Every year on October 5, we all will have to miss at least one meal in a day and do at least one downright stupid act to honour his “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” message.

∙ Evangelists will set up the Church of iApple, which will follow the Book of Jobs as laid down by Prophet Steve.
Followers will be called the iPeople.
They will be the Chosen Ones, or the lucky dudes possessing at least one iApple product.

∙ In all future lessons it will be taught that a banana falling on Newton’s head led to the discovery of gravity.
The Apple has been exclusively reserved for Jobs.

© Sunil Rajguru