· They should have annual elections in Egypt and all the ballot boxes should be placed in Tahrir Square.
· A Chief Justice taking charge of a country after a show of force?
Sounds a bit like Judge Dredd!
· Foreign springs lead to regime changes.
Indian springs lead to an immediate winter where the regime freezes all goodwill and tries to curb all freedoms.
· Protestor 1: How I love spring!
Protestor 2: But it’s always spring in Egypt!
Protestor 1: I know!
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
· The film on Wimbledon 2013 could well be called…
The Fall of the Titans.
· Santa Maria! It’s their Swan Tsonga as greats say Roger and out to a not so Serene Wimbledon that has just hit the Nadir. All loser, no Victor(ia).
· The Number (20)13, lucky for some, but not for others.
· (At this rate)
Wimbledon 2013 finals…
Guard: Sorry sir, but we can’t let you in. No practice today. It’s a match day.
Players: But we’re the finalists!
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
1. Head of party with most number of seats will become Prime Minister.
Second and Third parties will get a Deputy Prime Minister each.
Head of other parties will get plum posts: Home Minister, Defence Minister, Foreign Minister etc….
2. All regional parties that participate will get a special package for their respective states.
3. Railway Minister will only announce projects only for participating states. Same will apply to all other ministries and projects.
4. All heads of participating parties will form a Special Panel which the CBI will report to.
5. Special efforts will be made to clip the wings of the Congress and BJP. Let them get a taste of their own medicine!
6. The rest of India can go to hell, so States which don’t participate, beware!
7. In case all of the above fails, then the grand power sharing formula will be unveiled.
Every year will see one Prime Minister and two Deputy Prime Ministers.
This will be decided by a draw of lots and so for 5 years we can have 5 PMs and 10 Dy PMs, thereby fulfilling the ambitions of the Top 15 political parties in India apart from the Congress and BJP!
Bonus: If all the non-Congress and non-BJP parties have the required numbers then we could even impose a permanent Emergency!
Slogans…
United we rule, divided the Congress or BJP rules.
United we can divide this nation.
Ho raha hai Third Front Nirmaan.
Make Third Front your First Choice.
Third Front Shining.
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but can you actually do without cooks?
India is actually a Third Class country and therefore deserves the Third Front.
One’s lonely, two’s company and three’s not a crowd.
© Sunil Rajguru
• Failed predictions…
1995: BJP will never come to power and complete a full term.
2003: Sonia is finished. NDA will get re-elected.
2008: Anti-incumbency will hit UPA.
Waiting…
2009: Congress will definitely win in 2014.
2013: Modi will never become PM.
∙ Whether you like it or not…
Coming soon in 2014: Modi 24X7, Modi Today, Aaj Modi, Modi Now, Modi India, The Times of Modi, Modi Express, The Modi Times, The Modi Express…
∙ Pre-1989: Entire mainstream media went after Congress and projected VP Singh as PM.
Pre-2014: Entire social media went after Congress and projected Narendra Modi as PM.
Times haven’t changed.
The media has.
∙ Blessed are those who are not part of this Anti-Modi vs Pro-Modi debate and are watching with amusement from the sidelines.
P.S. As for me, I can’t fathom when and why I got dragged into this black hole of a ping pong match.
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
∙ Go figure…
This is the most corrupt and arrogant government in the history of India.
<And>Sonia is the most powerful person in the country.
<But>Sonia is 0% responsible for this arrogance and corruption.
∙ Harry Potter universe…
He who must not be named.
Indian politics universe…
She who must not be named.
∙ Neighbourhood Aunty: Baby khud doodh nahin pee paayega, hame pilaana padega.
Sheila Aunty: Rahul khud PM nahin banega, hame banana padega.
∙ Whenever a tragedy strikes the Congress, there’s always a major revelation against a major opponent.
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
· BCCI: We have a winning strategy for the 2015 ODI World Cup.
Reporter: Really! What?
BCCI: Well Dhoni’s the captain… and… err… it really doesn’t matter who the other 14 squad members are!
· While watching Two and a Half Men I always feel that Charlie Sheen is just on vacation and he’s going to come back any time soon and kick Ashton Kutcher out of the house.
(June 29)
· TV serial Suits is so squeaky clean: Like all the characters, scenes and even dialogues have been scrubbed thoroughly with hot soapy water.
· With citizen privacy issues we go ballistic.
With celebrity privacy issues we go voyeuristic.
Either way privacy is great publicity.
(June 28)
· Moustache (Ranveer), Moustacher (Shikhar) and Moustachest (Sir Jadeja).
· India’s 2012-13 world tour with Sri Lanka…
We’ve played with them in Australia, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka and England.
Now we’re off to play with them in the West Indies!
(June 27)
· Cockfight: In some parts of the world organizers get two cocks which fight till they sometimes bleed.
Panelfight: In India, a TV news anchor does a similar thing and gets one from the Congress and one from the BJP.
(June 26)
· If they had a VDIS for donations during national calamities, we would get an excess of funds. The amount of readily available black money just lying around is not funny.
· I miss the offline world.
There we’d have heated arguments and forget about it in minutes.
In cyberspace every word hangs in space till infinity.
· Very difficult not to get into a “Tu tu main main” situation on Twitter/Facebook with zillions of conflicting opinions clashing with each other all the time.
· Don’t worry if you die a failure.
You’re simply a great idea whose time hasn’t come.
On to the next life/afterlife/existence…
(June 23)
· Sampoorna Bharat: Beech main middlemen, side main fringe groups, upar main politicians aur neeche dare hue maare hue battered aam janta.
· 1947-48, 62, 65, 71, 84, 99…
Kashmir-NE-Punjab-Lanka…
Floods, earthquakes, natural tragedies…
Is there ever a true “peacetime” for our armed forces?
· In Bollywood, South Indians will get the Hindi ling wrong 100% times.
Getting it 100% wrong is as difficult as getting it 100% right.
(June 22)
· Mamata means soft.
They probably thought she’d have a soft personality.
Instead she’s gone totally soft in the head.
· West Bengal politics: Curiouser and curiouser.
Mamata: Absurder and absurder.
(June 21)
· I think the Law of Averages finally caught up with Bihar.
It couldn’t have been doing so well for so long.
· If April 1 is “All Fools’” Day, then should June 19 be declared “One Fool’s” Day?
· At this rate we’ll have a 100 movies in the Bollywood 100 crore club soon.
· Superman left Krypton in 1938, 1948, 1952, 1978, 1996… yawn! …and now 2013…
Why do they have to keep reinventing superman?
Why can’t they just give us an exciting movie for a change assuming we are not blithering morons and actually know who superman is?
· Let’s get married!
Should we do it in the court or in a religious place or should we simply do it in the bed?
(June 19)
· Without female models, the ad industry and the music video industry would collapse.
(June 18)
· Most politicians are corrupt, dynastical and arrogant by nature.
Most business houses are corrupt, dynastical and arrogant by nature.
Given the chance, most Indians would be corrupt, dynastical and arrogant by nature.
Phir Congress to raj karega hi na India par!
(June 18 )
· I’m sure even one day before the General Elections, the Congress will do a reshuffle. That will also be attributed to the “genius” of Rahul.
(June 17)
· The English weather!
Only two Englishmen could have ever thought of it!
(Duckworth-Lewis method)
· Why not call them… NaMo RaGa SoGa MaSi NiKu MuYa KuMa RaSi PaCh KaSi NaPa ShPa ArJa SuSw…
· A day will come when the umpteenth Congress reshuffle will bring us back to the very same team we had five years ago.
(June 16)
· Nowadays political decisions are taken instantaneously.
However, the announcement is made 10 days later to get maximum media coverage, high-pitched debates and intense speculation during that period.
· Come to think of it, even criminals and chargesheeted politicians at least won their Lok Sabha seats.
Manmohan Singh couldn’t even do that much.
(June 15)
· SRK…
Delhi da Munda bana Mumbai cha Superstar.
Chennai Express…
Kolkata Knight Rider bana Chennai Super King.
(June 14)
· Cyberspace…
US spies on them.
India arrests them.
China makes them disappear.
North Korea is the safest.
Hardly anyone uses the Net there.
· Why not have a detailed reality show on the Indian Postal Service delivering its last actual telegram from the sender to the receiver.
Wonder what it’ll say.
· People are comparing PRISM to 1984.
Amazing.
In PRISM, your emails are intercepted and read.
In 1984, you are intercepted and read.
(June 13)
· The IPL clean-up begins.
Step 1: Shoot the messenger…sorry…
Shoot the cheerleader!
· Tuesday’s dilemma…
Moochche Dhawan jaise ho ya Sir Jadeja jaise ho?
Ye kaisi paheli hai?
(June 12)
· Grey’s Anatomy is good competition for Sex in the City.
In fact it should be renamed Sex in the Hospital.
(June 10)
∙ Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani = Wake Up Sid on steroids.
(June 9)
· 1 Sir (Ravindra Jadeja) in 1 day…
At least 1 six, 1 four, 1 wicket, 1 catch, 1 run out…
· The Conflict of Interest argument…
If I am equally Interested in cricket, business and politics, then where is the Conflict?
· Politicians can be criminals.
Politicians can be businessmen.
Politicians can have stakes in media houses.
Politicians can be cricket chiefs…
Jab leaders ka ye haal hai to cricket ghanta conflict of interest maanega.
(June 6)
· Take tonnes of green ink and blend it in millions of newsprint pages.
Celebrate this colossal wastage as World Environment Day.
(June 5)
© Sunil Rajguru