More Misbah and Pakistan musings…

Pakistan finally wins!
Burst all the firecrackers.
Pata nahin agla ‪#‎MaukaMauka‬ kab milega.

The times they are a changing…
1992—Pakistan defy all odds to win the World Cup.
2015—Pakistan defy all odds to beat Zimbabwe in the World Cup.

Thanks to Akmal’s drops, Pakistan always needs 12-14 wickets.
Thanks to Misbah’s dot balls, Pakistan bats in a virtual 40-over match.
Thanks to Afridi’s age, the average age of Team Pakistan is always low.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Misbah and Pakistan musings…

Misbah-ul-Haq is the greatest Test batsman in the history of ODI cricket.
AB de Villiers is the greatest T20 batsman in the history of ODI cricket.
Virender Sehwag is the greatest ODI batsman in the history of Test cricket.

Pakistani cricketer Misbah-ul-Haq’s biggest inspirational story in life is that of the hare and the tortoise.

The ODI strike rate of Misbah-ul-Haq…
20 years back he would have been a great ODI player.
20 years hence that pace won’t even make it to Tests.
Misbah: Leading the anti-T20 revolution well into 2015.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

February 2015 Status Updates

LK Advani, Pappu and Yogendra Yadav can get together and form a new political party.

News…
45 journalists, some Congress and few BJP leaders under cloud.
Headline…
French cruise for BJP leader Nitin Gadkari!
‪#‎EssarLeaks‬

The party dilemma…
Sonia: I’m tired of this nonsense. I want to quit and hand over charge to Pappu.
Congressmen: But he’s nonsense. We’re tired of his nonsense.

AB de Villiers: I have the fastest 150!
Chris Gayle: I have the fastest 200!
Rohit Sharma: Bitch please! I have the fastest 250!

(February 28)

Yesterday…
Revoke the Test status of Bangladesh and Zimbabwe.
Today…
Revoke the ODI status of England and Pakistan.

Congress spokespersons routine…
Sleep all day.
TV media calls, get up and rant happily against BJP/AAP/JDU/Whatever.
Go back to sleep.

(February 21)

With each passing day Manmohan looks even more woeful.
At this rate history will judge him even worse than Gujral, Gowda and Charan Singh.

Tum patthar phekte raho,
main unka mahal banata rahunga.
‪#‎NaMo‬
‪#‎Rs10LakhSuitFalsehood‬ to ‪#‎Rs3CroreSuitReality‬

Kejriwal: Forgive me for resigning as CM!
Gets 67 seats!
Nitish: Forgive me for resigning as CM!
May also get 67 seats in the upcoming Bihar elections.

(February 20)

Coast Guard guy…
What I meant to say was…
Kaddu chaaku pe gire ya chaaku kaddu pe… katega to kaddu hi na?
‪#‎PakTerrorBoat‬

Media: Dus ko main dus lakh karke dikha du!
Modi: Aur maine us dus lakh ka ek crore kar diya!
‪#‎ModiSuitAuction‬

It’s like asking…
Did the suicide bomber pull the trigger first or was he shot first?
‪#‎PakTerrorBoat‬

(February 18)

“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”
—Evelyn Beatrice Hall (not Voltaire).
Required in India today…
“I disapprove of what you say and I will never defend (forget to death) your right to say it, but I will at least not get violent over it!”

(February 11)

The Grammys are even more diluted than the Padma Shri.
About 100 Grammy statuettes are doled out each year for a grand total of 8000+ so far.

(February 9)

Progress…
2004: Baazee.com CEO arrested over lewd CDs being sold via site.
2015: Newsvendors selling newspaper with Charlie Hebdo cartoons arrested.

Offendia: An India where everyone keeps getting Offended over everything for no rhyme or reason.

The American Conundrum…
Defeat Hitler.
Communist Russia takes its place.
Defeat Communism.
Al-Qaeda takes its place.
Defeat Al-Qaeda.
ISIS takes its place.
Defeat ISIS…

Pakistan made Kashmir a terrorist State.
Then said: If we can’t get it, we will turn Pakistan into Kashmir.
So they made Pakistan a terrorist State.
Kashmir meanwhile limps back to normalcy.

(February 5)

What was ‪#‎AIBRoast‬?
About a dozen guys insulted each other really badly 90% of the time.
So what’s the problem?
They insulted someone/something else in the remaining 10%.

(February 4)

Q: What are your views about Jayanthi Natarajan’s outburst?
Pappu: That is an example of women empowerment!
‪#‎LetterBomb‬

(February 2)

Last time a court case went against a Nehru-Gandhi dynasty member, we had Emergency.
Next time Emergency will have to be imposed within the Congress party.
‪#‎NationalHeraldCase‬

Budget for Khan films…
Happy New Year (SRK): Rs 125 crores.
Dhoom 3 (Aamir): Rs 125 crores.
Kick (Salman): Rs 100 crores.
Add money for marketing and promotion and theoretically a Rs 100 Crore Club film can still be a loss.

(February 1)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

5 reasons why Pak’s claim on Kashmir is impossible

scene-2915402_1280Pakistan fires at the border and steps up its clandestine war against India even as the Indian Government wants peace talks with its enemy. Why does India always speak with Pakistan in a position of weakness rather than one of strength? Pakistan has a one-point Kashmir agenda and there are many reasons why that is an impossible claim…

1. We’re entering an era of fixed boundaries: Pakistan managed to capture PoK in the 1947-48 war only because Kashmir was in limbo land at that time. Once India took charge, it refused to cede any more land. All their attacks have so far gone in vain. China captured Aksai Chin in 1962 only because of Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru’s soft stance.

However we are now entering an era of fixed boundaries the world over. Till World War II, international borders were all pretty fluid, but after that they have slowly started becoming fixed. We don’t have any Hitlers trying to conquer the world any more.

It is impossible for a larger country to capture land from a smaller country nowadays. The US is not a colonial empire like the British were once. Even to attack Syria, US President Barack Obama really struggled and now may not do so. And here we have the case of a smaller country (Pakistan) trying to capture land (Kashmir) from a larger country (India)!

2. Direct attack and militancy have all failed: Pakistan tried to capture Kashmir by force in 1965 but failed spectacularly. They were buoyed by India’s 1962 loss and Prime Minister Lal Bahadur Shastri’s magnanimity over Rann of Kutch. Things should have ended there.

The 1971 war was even more humiliating for they lost East Pakistan, which became Bangladesh. Siachen was thwarted in the 1980s.

Then they tried militancy in Kashmir in the 1990s, which has claimed thousands of lives. But after more than two decades even that is on the decline. After failing with their Kashmir strategy, they sponsored attacks in the rest of India with 26/11 being the most prominent, but that has only turned international opinion against them.

3. The nuclear parity bluff has been exposed: Zulfikar Ali Bhutto said that Pakistan would eat grass, but build the atomic bomb. After the Chagai blasts of 1998, Pakistan mistakenly thought they had nuclear parity. They launched the Kargil War immediately after in 1999 and failed yet again. Pakistan was left severely weakened and when the US made many demands of them post-9/11, they were in no position to refuse.

In fact after the Chagai N-blasts all manner of reports started appearing in the Pakistani press saying that if Pakistan attacked, then India wouldn’t retaliate over fears of Pakistan’s nukes.

The irony is that the architect of Kargil, General Pervez Musharraf, is a pariah in his own land.

4. They have played all their cards: 1. Sending in tribals while Kashmir was contemplating its future. 2. Pressurizing the US over Kashmir by accepting all their other demands. 3. Direct attacks in 1965 and 1999. 4. Nuclear parity delusions. 5. Covert operations. 6. Militancy in Kashmir. 7. Terrorism in the rest of India….

Sitting at the table, Pakistan has thrown all its cards on the table. They still refuse to quit and continue playing with an empty hand. There is no point in continuing with a game you have no chance of winning.

5. Their quest for Kashmir has destroyed them: Till 1991 when India liberalized, Pakistan was at par with India on many indicators. In fact the term “Indo-Pak” had some sort of parity. But after that India has gone way ahead of Pakistan. Now the terms “Indo-China” and “Af-Pak” are two parities.

Pakistan is day by day resembling the failed state of Afghanistan.

Their democracy is in shambles.

Their economy is going nowhere.

Their terror groups have run amok and kill a record number of civilians.

They are hopelessly dependent on America for everything.

They have been split into two in the past.

They are making absolutely no breakthrough vis a vis India.

And still they focus all their energies on Kashmir!

Parting shot…

Pakistan had a weak case to begin with. Pakistan simply took it for granted that Kashmir would be part of them (by one account, the k in Pakistan stands for Kashmir). However the British simply said that each kingdom would be free to make its own decision.

In fact Pakistan did not accept the British stand.

They did not accept the Indian stand.

They did not accept the stand of the monarch of Kashmir.

They did not accept popular leader Sheikh Abdullah’s stand.

So on what ground was Pakistan standing?

If Pakistan was just in a weak position after Kashmir’s Instrument of Accession to India, it is in a totally lost cause in 2013.

India should realize this and talk tough instead of appearing soft all the time!

(This article appeared in Sify.com)

Batsmen go crazy musings…

West Indians all…
Highest Test score: Lara—West Indian.
Highest ODI score: Rohit—(West) Indian. (Mumbai)
Highest IPL score: Gayle—West Indian.
Highest First Class score: Lara—West Indian.

With West Indies it’s either Gayle or Ghayal.
‪#‎SAVsWI‬ ‪#‎CWC2015‬

South Africa ne Indians ka badla West Indians pe nikaala.
‪#‎SAVsWI‬ ‪#‎408for5‬

According to the Theory of Relativity, Marlon Samuels 133 off 156 is one of the slowest ODI innings of all time.
‪#‎GayleStorm‬ ‪#‎Gayle215‬ ‪#‎ZimVsWI‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Latest political musings…

The RSS…
Making statements since 27-09-1925.
Ignored since 15-08-1947.
24X7 media coverage since 16-05-2014.

Bengal War I—CPM beats Congress.
Bengal War II—Trinamool beats CPM.
Bengal War III—BJP versus Trinamool (Result in 2016).
Beaten in all wars—People of West Bengal.

Congress: NDA repackaging UPA policies.
Means…
If you say NDA is bad, then UPA was also bad.
If you say UPA was good, then NDA is also good.

Indira and Sonia Gandhi became Congress President after exactly Zero years’ experience as MP.
That way Pappu has been MP for 10 years.

Congress leaders trying to convince people that Pappu is taking Make in India seriously.
“He’s holidaying in Uttarakhand and not Thailand!”

Now showing in 2015…
Return of the CM.
‪#‎ArvindKejriwal‬
‪#‎NitishKumar‬
‪#‎MuftiMohammadSayeed‬
Somehow hoping…
‪#‎Jayalalithaa‬

Congress worker: Actually Pappu went on leave in 2004.
We are wondering whether he’ll ever come back.
‪#‎WhereIsRahul‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru