If the Opposition bats first…
When will they declare?
If India bats first…
When will the batting collapse come?
If the Opposition bats in the second innings…
Wow, we played so well that the opposition is batting twice!
If India bats in the second innings…
Is there a weather forecast for rain?
© Sunil Rajguru
Ref: Fourth India-Australia Test at Sydney, January 6, 2015.
Speed of delivery…
Kapil: Fast.
Zaheer: Faster.
Ishant: Fastest.
Speed of getting wickets…
Ishant: Slow.
Rest of Indian pace attack: Slower.
Indian spinners: Slowest.
If the Indian bowlers won’t let you off the hook, the slip fielders will.
If the fielders won’t let you off the hook, Indian batsmen will.
In a timeless Test on foreign soil, the probability of the opposition getting 1000 runs twice is greater than Indian bowlers getting 10 wickets twice.
The ideal Test Playing XI for India on foreign pitches…
6 batsmen, 4 bowlers and 1 mental conditioning coach.
New Year.
New captain.
New team.
New slip fielders.
Day 1: So far exactly the same.
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
MS Dhoni’s book about his Test career will be…
Tired and Retired.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Dhoni.
Dhoni who?
Don’ you think it was all rather abrupt?
MS Dhoni’s theme song is…
Saari duniya ka bojh ham uthaate hai…
Test cricket is truly dead when the Indian captain with most Test wins retires voluntarily at the age of 33.
The 2014-15 Border-Gavaskar Series may well be known as the Dhoni-Clarke Retirement Series.
(Also, both have whitewashed each other)
Now suddenly MS Dhoni will become the freshest player in both ODIs and IPL.
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
Captaincy bhi main karu.
Wicket-keeping bhi main karu.
Batting main bhi mujhe 4 down karna pade.
Sidelined coach ka void bhi main bharu.
Batting collapses aur spineless bowling ko main jhelu.
Test losses ka gaaliyon ka bauchaar bhi main jhelu.
Aur ye sab ODI/IPL/T20s/media scrutiny ke bojh ke saath!
Bahut hua (Test) sammaan!
I quit!
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
Ref: Second India-Australia Test at Brisbane.
For Steve Waugh, India was the final frontier.
For India, every country is the final frontier.
No matter what day of the Test, when India begins its second innings, it is always just one session away from defeat.
Bharat ko videshi Test jeetna mushkil hi nahin, naamumkin hai…
If Winnie the Pooh led the Australian Test team, they’d still thrash us 4-0.
What Shikhar Dhawan may have wanted to say after his 81 at Brisbane…
I was inspired by the great Australia batsmen during their batting in the first innings.
I kept counting the milestones one by one.
First I went past Lyon (23) then Hazlewood (32) and finally Starc (52).
My only regret is that I couldn’t go past the great Mitchell Johnson’s 88.
All these great batsmen can give a few tips to our top order batsmen.
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
Ref: Second India-Australia Test at Brisbane.
Overseas Tests…
Play pathetically: Lose.
Play badly: Lose.
Play well: Lose.
Play really well: Lose.
Play awesomely: Draw.
Once in four years: Win.
The Indian attack is great at getting batsmen out.
It just can’t dismiss the bowlers.
After Kapil Dev, India has produced 25 fast bowlers faster than him, but not even one who remotely matches his fighting spirit.
Lightning strikes once.
Rare if it strikes twice.
If it strikes 10 times, then you’re the Indian bowling attack hit by the tail.
True Test parity…
At home we watch Indian batsmen doing The Great Escape.
Overseas, we watch the opposition batsmen doing The Great Escape.
India should stop importing foreign coaches and start importing foreign bowlers.
That’s the only way to save foreign Tests.
On foreign Test pitches, some tails last more sessions than Indian batsmen last balls.
If the Indian bowling attack took 19 wickets in 3 days on a foreign Test pitch, then you can be sure that the 20th would elude them for the next two days.
We won one foreign Test in 2011.
After that in 2014.
So the next is coming in 2017.
This is MS Dhoni’s 59th match as Test captain and Steven Smith’s first.
Frankly, it looks like the other way round.
On foreign Test pitches, the opposition’s last pair is better than India’s opening pair.
Overseas Test rules…
If India is 300-5, they can be 325 all down.
If the opposition is 300-5, they can go to 600.
In an overseas Test if India scores 450 and the opposition is 200-5, the Indian fan asks…
Can we somehow have a miracle and draw this match?
India’s DRS = Decisions Really Suck.
These versions by Sunil Rajguru