Overheard 7…

Naagrik: Doodh main kyu paani mila rahe ho bhai?
Doodhwala: To kya kar loge ji?

Anna: Lokpal Bill main kyun paani mila rahe ho bhai?
Pradhan Mantri: To kya kar loge ji?

Pak PM: Indo-Pak relations need to be energized with a bit of youth.
Result: Hina! Hina! Hina!

The misunderstood media moghul…

Murdoch: Mobilize all the hacks!
What really happened: All the mobiles were hacked!

Murdoch: I’ve been attacked so much that the news of the world should be shut down for me.
What really happened: The News of the World shut down.

Murdoch: This is the most humiliating day of my life!
What was really reported: This is the most humbling day of my life.

© Sunil Rajguru

Mumbai blasts… it’s just empty words and grave numbers…

Dear Rahul Gandhi,
You say 1% incidents will take place.
Can you give an account of the 99% that were stopped?
For example in the last decade alone there have been six major attacks on Mumbai.
Can you give an account of the 594 foiled attacks?
It’s simple mathematics.

Dear Diggy Raja,
You are right.
We are much better than Pakistan.
And oh by the way, you sure are giving the Pakistani politicians a run for their money!

Dear Ashok Chavan,
You claim to have had a “shocking and unacceptable” communication breakdown that unnerved you?
Welcome to our world.
Citizens of India have been unnerved by a shocking and unacceptable breakdown between them and politicians on issues like terrorism and corruption for more than 15 years now.

Dear Manmohan Singh,
When it comes to Mumbai, it is better to be Safe than to be Resilient.

Dear P Chidambaram,
Of course there was no Intelligence Failure.
For that, there has to be Political Intelligence in the first place.

Dear Manmohan Singh,
Element of surprise?
What do you expect?
Terrorists will call you and then strike?
Even if they did that, one wonders whether the state apparatus would still be able to do anything.

…justice will be done… high time… enough is enough… we will unitedly fight… remain calm… resilience… perpetrators will be caught… terror will not be tolerated… are just empty words which have got merged with grave numbers… 12/3… 23/1… 2/11… 13/3… 25/8… 11/7… 26/11… 13/7…

(These versions by Sunil Rajguru)

India should change its name to Billiondia…

In 1974, economist Edmar Bacha called Brazil “Belindia”.

What he meant was that a fraction of Brazil was as rich as Belgium while the majority was as poor as India.

While most Indians would find that nickname quite quite disparaging, both Brazil and India have come a long long way becoming part of the upcoming BRICS countries in 2011.

India has a record number of dollar billionaires (in the emerging countries). No-one talks anything than billions these days when it comes to any deal or scam.

India is truly “Billiondia”…

Billions in the pockets of the corrupt…

Billions siphoned off from myriad schemes…

Billions evaded in taxes, personal and commercial…

Billions stashed in Swiss banks…

Billions lying idle in temple complexes…

Billions gained and lost over thin air known technically as spectrum…

And finally, the thing that truly defines us…

More than a Billion Lower Class No-hopers and Middle Class Sloggers who have absolutely no share or say or hope in the billions and billions mentioned above…

© Sunil Rajguru

Why Black Money is like a Black Hole…

Black Money is a region of the economy from which nothing, not even pennies, can escape.

The theory of general corruption predicts that a sufficiently compact corrupt black money zone will deform the entire economy around it to form a Black Money Hole.

Around that Black Money Hole there is an undetectable surface called an event horizon that marks the point of no return.

It is called “black” because it absorbs all the money that hits the horizon, reflecting nothing, just like a perfect black body in thermodynamics.

After such dark entities have been formed, they can continue to grow by absorbing money from the surroundings, thus forming supermassive black holes of money, quite a common occurrence in India.

Another property of Black Money Holes is that they are invisible to IT authorities, courts and the like.

Despite its invisible interior, its presence can be inferred through its interaction with other regions of the economy.

When any piece of information falls into a Black Money Hole, it is lost to outside observers.

India claims copyright over the term: Black Money Hole.

Doctor Raja won the Nobel Prize for Black Economics for his discovery of a supermassive Black Money Hole 1,760,000,000,000 RUs (Rupee Units) in diameter.

Thanks to that breakthrough, many more such supermassive objects are likely to be discovered in the future.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 6…

∙ Employee to colleague: Teri salary five-figure hai ya six figures?
Politician to colleague: Tera scam eleven-figure hai ya twelve figures?

∙ First spy: What happened to the bugs in the PM’s office?
Second spy: We had to remove them.
First spy: Why? You got caught?
Second spy: No. He doesn’t open his mouth even in front of the bugs!

∙ Uncle: Kaunsa mobile connection hai beta?
Boy: 2G.
Uncle: Kyun ye corrupt technology use kar rahe ho? 3G kyun nahin lete ho?

Yesterday…
Son: Mummy, I have decided to keep a fast.
Mother: Wonderful!
Today
Son: Mummy, I have decided to keep a fast.
Mother: How dare you join the RSS without my permission!

∙ Congress Spokesman: The BJP is irrelevant. The Opposition is irrelevant. The people’s protests are irrelevant. Anna Hazare and Baba Ramdev are irrelevant. The Congress is the only totalitarian single party that matters. We are the absolute authorities. (And by the way, Anna, Baba, BJP, RSS and all are nothing but Fascists)

Yesterday…
Editor to colleague: Get the obituaries of Baba and Anna ready. They are going in for a fast unto death.
Today...
Editor to colleague: Have you got the obituary for the Lokpal Bill ready?

Yesterday…
Pranab: God! This BJP is bugging me.
God! This RSS is bugging me.
God! This Anna Hazare is bugging me.
God! This Baba Ramdev is bugging me.
Today…
Pranab: It has come to this that I don’t even know who is bugging me anymore!

© Sunil Rajguru

Bollywood movies on today’s politics…

Kab Tak Chhup Rahunga! followed by its sequel Meri Awaaz Suno, starring Manmohan Singh

Dilli Ka Thug, starring Baba Ramdev and directed by Diggy Raja

Ready (for PM’s post), starring Rahul Beta and directed by Diggy Raja

Golmaal 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 & 8, a multi-star cast from UPA 2

Atithi Tum Kab Jaoge?, starring the Tatas and directed by Mamata

Hum Aapke Hain Koun…!, starring Karunanidhi and its sequel Aap Mujhe Achche Lagne Lage, starring Jayalalitha, both directed by Sonia Gandhi

Pardes, a sweet love story about Indian black money dancing in Switzerland

Chor Machaye Shor & Paisa Khaaya To Darna Kya, starring Kanimozhi and Dayanidhi Maran

Beta, starring Rahul and directed by Sonia

UPA Teri Sarkar Maili, another multi-star cast from UPA 2

These versions by Sunil Rajguru