#UdtaPunjab musings…

Shahid Kapoor visited Punjab as a squeaky clean kid in 2007 (Jab We Met) but returned as a hardened drug addict in 2016 (‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬).

Punjab Problem (Udta Punjab)
Kashmir Problem (Haider)
Mumbai Riots, Kargil, 9/11, Godhra (Mausam)
Match-fixing, drugs (Kaminey)
Education problem (Paathshaala)

#‎UdtaPunjab‬ is a catchy name and a catchier hashtag.
Multiple Twitterstorms were inevitable.

“Adult with Caution” films at red light areas!
What next?
Red Light Mall Multiplexes?

Superheroes, aliens and spaceships are more real, believable and relevant than drugs, sex and nudity—hence we’ll pass the former.

Fact is stranger than fiction.
Fiction can’t be based on strange facts.
—Censor Board.

Drug problem is there.
India is corrupt and racist.
Gays are in large numbers.
Sex exists.
So, reality can’t be shown in fiction?

Censor board: Please replace Punjab with a fictitious land.
(The problem is that their image of Punjab itself is fictitious!)

Anurag Kashyap now has the unique record of having a film banned under Vajpayee, MMS and Modi.
Guess which made most noise?
‪#‎Paanch‬ ‪#‎BlackFriday‬ ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬

Shahid Kapoor
+ Kareena Kapoor
+ Alia Bhatt
+ Anurag Kashyap
+ Ekta Kapoor
+ Diljit Dosanjh
thrash Pahlaj Nihalani

The fact.
Every Censor Board since Independence has sucked.
The spin.
It started with Nihalani.
Modi hired Nihalani.
It’s Modi’s fault.

Gokul Shankar banned under Nehru.
Aandhi banned under Indira.
Pati Parmeshwar banned under Rajiv.
Black Friday banned under MMS.
Stop behaving as if it’s something new!

Time is right to make a film on the crazy chain of events in the ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ controversy.

Too many jokers are supporting ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ for all the wrong reasons.

Kejriwal is unhappy.
He doesn’t get a chance to waste an evening and review ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ for his Punjab voters.
Hence the attacks.

Above an “A” certification, just put a “Danger” certification and just go ahead and release the film as it is!

Censor Board was formed under Nehru.
It had a non-filmi ignoramus under Manmohan.
It has always been a problem.
But now it is finally being revamped under Shyam Benegal.

2004: ‪#‎AnuragKashyap‬’s Black Friday ready for release.
2007: Finally released by SC after censor ban.
2016: Delay in ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ makes India North Korea.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

#UdtaKejri musings…

Kejri doing time pass till his next working day on Thursday.
(When he’ll review ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ on its premiere)

Don’t worry, by 2020 we will have a film called ‪#‎UdtaDelhi‬ showcasing the total breakdown of the city by then.

Kejri won the battle which didn’t even really concern him… ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬
But he totally lost the war… ‪#‎21UdteMLA‬

Delhiite 1: Par usne to bola tha ki main Delhi main bahaar launga?
Delhiite 2: Arre buddhu, usne bola tha ki “main Bihar launga”!

Kejri: Kya Modi bataaenge…
Modi’s office: Kripaya intezaar keejiye. Aap kartaar main hain. Aapk number 345678 hai…

Kejri was nausikhiya: Got 28 seats.
Did crazy midnight dharna: Got 67 seats.
Now he’s given such abysmal governance that he’ll get 70 seats next time.

Kejri said he would change the system.
He has spectacularly succeeded!
(He has made it much worse)

Mujhe PM banao, main poore India main anarchy failaaunga!
Voter: Pahale Delhi main karke dikha, fir dekhte hai.
Kejri: Challenge accepted!

There are cases against 40% MPs!
There aren’t cases against 40% AAP MLAs!

Kejri isn’t CM without portfolio. He’s…
Minister of External (Anything but Delhi) Affairs.
Minister of Information & Broadcasting Against Modi.

Zero portfolios.
Multiple MLAs out on bail.
21 extra parliamentary secretaries.
Water-power-garbage woes.
A million allegations.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Social media musings…

1. Critic.
2. Opponent.
3. Fault finder.
4. Fact checker.
5. Who differs in opinion.
and lastly
6. Stalker, abuser and one who threatens.

Social media has made all of us philosophers, writers, photographers, videographers, voyeurs, experts, agony aunts, attention seekers and trolls.

Fake story goes viral. Millions page views.
Fake story debunked. Millions more page views.
Particle-antiparticle pairs can be created from nothing.
Same with news!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

General political musings…

1999-2013: Nitish + BJP = Good governance.
2013-15: Alone = Directionless.
2015-__: Nitish + RJD = Jungle Raj.
Nitish = Water.
(Takes the shape of whatever vessel he’s put in!)

BJP weak.
SAD in shambles.
Congress uses riot-tainted Kamal Nath.
AAP was always a joke.
‪#‎PunjabAssemblyPolls‬ = Ultimate battle of losers.

Lok Sabha has 546 members.
543 elected.
2 nominated by President.
1 nominated by ‪#‎AdarshLiberals‬ ‪#‎SadhviPrachi‬

Lalu knew he’d get Jungle Raj.
Intellectuals knew he’d get it.
Lalu knew that the intellectuals knew he’d get it.
Some intellectuals, eh?

Most spokespersons in India are actually speaknonsensepersons.

If BJP boycotted all English media and embraced Doordarshan, AIR and all regional media, it would enhance their image and get more votes.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

And the Modi Hate Industry continues…

Under a Sonia regime they are too petrified to talk.
Under a Modi regime they scream boldly from the rooftops that they are petrified.

Crime happens.
If anyone is from BJP, blame BJP.
After Modi won 2014, blame secured till 2019.

There are six degrees of separation between a Modi Hater and him blaming Modi for every little thing that happens in India.

People behave as if Modi had 1000 implementations ready just after he took oath of office.
Only Shastri and Rao achieved this much in 2 years.
200 million voted for NDA in 2014, a world record.
Yet they keep talking of “Paid BJP trolls”.
Every party and company has paid Tweeters.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

US Presidential musings…

Why Trump may win…
‪#‎ISimplyHateTrump‬ beats ‪#‎ButIHateHillaryEvenMore‬
(May the best man win = May the least hated person win!)

Every politician’s dilemma…
Obama: Down down Hillary!
Sanders: Down down Hillary!
Obama/Sanders: Up up Hillary!

The US President is King of the Global World Order.
So if Trump gets elected, forget America, you may have to leave this planet.

Had super delegates not rigged it, Sanders would have got all anti-Hillary and anti-Trump votes, which would be a good chunk.

Democrat leadership supports dynasty over merit.
Sanders was far more charismatic, but super delegates put him behind at start line itself.

Socialists/Communists say the American Dream is dead.
Can we instead discuss the Russian Dream from 1917-91?

100% American Presidents have been males who had at least one white parent.

If elected, ages when their US Presidential term ends in 2021…
Sanders 79.
Trump 74.
Hillary 73.
Old age pensioners club of candidates!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru


65 MPs wrote to Obama to stop his visa 65 years after Independence.
65-year-old Modi addresses US Congress with 65 odd clapping interventions.

Times change!
Modi denied US visa.
Musharraf blue eyed boy of US.
Modi gets red carpet welcome in US Congress.
Musharraf denied US visa.

If Modi stays as PM for long, he’ll have one US visit for every one of the 65 MPs who petitioned Obama not to let Modi visit the US.

Munnabhai Chale Amerika on hold indefinitely.
Gujjubhai Chale Amerika released today and reaches blockbuster status.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Musings on the Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty…

Not much difference between Jawaharlal, Rajiv and Rahul.
Only times and media are different.
Jawaharlal would’ve been a Pappu today, Rahul would have been a Prime Minister then.

Indira was Nehru’s virtual chief of staff.
She became CWC member in 1955.
Party President in 1959.
Nehru died in 1964.
Yes, he started the Dynasty.

1980: Pilot. to 1981: MP.
1984: PM with greatest mandate. to 1989: Ensures Congress will never get 272 in Lok Sabha ever again.

It appears that Pappu took a vow in 2009 to destroy the Congress in 10 years.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

General musings on India…

Mahatma Gandhi on notes.
Mahatma Gandhi for votes.
Mahatma Gandhi on stamps.
Many a Mahatma Gandhi road.
Boss Mahatma Gandhi overload!

I think the censor board is high not Punjab.
They should rename ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ to ‪#‎UdtaCensorBoard‬

Kejri called Modi a coward and psychopath.
Instead of blocking Kejri, Modi followed him.
On Twitter that’s the greatest example of Tolerance.

1. Media praises Kejri.
2. Media praises Kejri.
3. Media praises Kejri.
4. Media praises Kejri.
5. Kejri really goofs up, media blasts him.
6. Kejri abuses media.
7. Back to 1.

The 5 Ws and H of Indian Humour…
What is funny? Nothing!
Who can crack a joke? No-one!
When can you crack a joke? Never!
Where can you crack a joke? Nowhere!
Why should you crack a joke? You can’t!
How can I crack a joke? You can’t!!!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Djokovic and the world’s greatest trivalry

There is no doubt that Roger Federer is currently the greatest male tennis player of all time. You simply can’t argue with 17 Grand Slam titles.

But then Rafael Nadal has 14 titles and had it not been for his injuries, he could well have gone past Federer. More importantly, when it comes to the Nadal-Federer rivalry, Nadal leatennis-2086224_640ds a whopping 23–11. That’s embarrassing for Federer.

Then there’s World Number 1 Novak Djokovic. He currently holds all four singles Grand Slams simultaneously. The last time such a thing happened was way back in 1969, a feat achieved by Rod Laver. Imagine doing that after a whopping 47 years!

More importantly, head to head Djoko leads Fed 23–22. Djoko totally dominates Fed winning 6/8 of their last encounters including the Wimbledon and US Open 2015 finals. The ageless Fed can answer every question except the Djoko one.

Then with Rafa, Djoko leads 26–23 and he currently ruthlessly dominates winning 11/12 of their last encounters. So he is the present leader of the greatest trivalry of all time!

Djoko also became the first person in the history of tennis to bag $100 million in prize money with his French Open 2016 victory.

Djokovic owned 2015 by winning 3/4 Grand Slams (a repeat of 2011). He ended the year on a real high winning an unprecedented fourth straight ATP World Tour Final by thrashing all-time Federer 6–3, 6–4. French Open 2016 was Djokovic’s 12th Grand Slam. Djoko can finally go past Rafa’s tally and touch Fed.

In the world of men’s singles Grand Slam tennis played in the Open Era (from 1968 onwards), Federer has the most Wimbledon (7) and US Open (5) titles ever. Nadal has the most French Opens (9). Djokovic has the most Australian Opens (6).

(While Nadal and Djokovic are outright leaders, Federer shares his records with Americans Pete Sampras and Jimmy Connors.)

Once Agassi said that if the “freak” Nadal hadn’t been there, then Federer would have won many more titles; but that applies to all three and not just Federer. Anyone without the other two would have steamrolled his opponents in the current era.

Federer burst into the scene by winning his first Grand Slam title at Wimbledon in 2004. From that tournament onwards, the three greats have won a whopping 43 of the 52 odd men’s Grand Slams played or about 80%. What’s more, from the French Open 2005 to Wimbledon 2014, at least one of them has featured in a Grand Slam final.

When it comes to the World Number 1 rankings, while Federer dominated in the initial stages of his career, in the last 3 odd years it has been by and large Djokovic.

Apart from the French Open, another thing Djokovic is behind is winning an Olympic Gold medal (both Federer and Nadal have it). He has a bronze and Rio 2016 may be his last chance.

All three are from Europe and ended the dominance of USA (think Sampras and Agassi) and together they have won in the region of 2300 matches for about 200 tournament titles.

From 2013–14 Djokovic had lost in three Grand Slam finals and had started doubting himself. But after getting the German great Boris Becker (who has 6 Grand Slam titles along with an Olympic Gold medal), his fortunes seem to have turned.

When Croatian Marin Čilić beat Japanese Kei Nishikori in the final of the US Open of 2014, a lot of commentators predicted a new era without the Big 3.

Čilić and Nishikori failed to do anything great after that. Even Andy Murray has been lacklustre. Nadal has simply nosedived and Fed has been stellar, but he has fumbled against Djoko.

Djoko is currently the last man standing.

2016 will be an interesting year for Djoko.

What if Djoko wins the Wimbledon and US Open this year? He would get a calendar Grand Slam too!

What if he wins his first Olympic Gold?

There is an outside chance that by the end of 2016, Djoko could be the greatest male tennis player of all time!

Who could have predicted that at the end of 2014!

How Modi haters have declared him a God…

Once a crime happened and the police slept because the MLA was from the BJP and hence they knew Modi would be blamed.

Then another crime happened in another place and the non-BJP MLA told the police chief: Don’t worry! The MP of this area is from the BJP. Modi will be blamed.

Yet another crime happened in yet another place and the non-BJP MLA and non-BJP MP told the police chief: Don’t worry! The CM of this State is from the BJP. Modi will be blamed.

When a crime took place where there was a non-BJP MLA, non-BJP MP and non-BJP CM, the police chief was told: Don’t worry! The PM of this country is Modi. He will be blamed.

If elections are due, then Modi supporters are creating mischief and polarizing the entire State (as if it is some sort of magnet).

If elections are over, then Modi supporters are still creating mischief because they are either poor winners or sore losers.

Basically they have declared Modi a god.

Because he is omnipotent and responsible for each and every small thing that happens in this country!

Even those who oppose him in this cosmic battle are divine.

Lalu and Nitish are not responsible for Bihar’s Jungle Raj.

Akhilesh is not responsible for Uttar Pradesh’s Goonda Raj.

Mamata is not responsible for West Bengal’s Violence Raj.

Three lawless States. Three Saints. Because they oppose Modi.

New Delhi is deteriorating rapidly after 15 years of stable rule by Sheila Dixit.

But Kejri is a snow-white angel because he is seen as Modi’s biggest opponent.

© Sunil Rajguru

Kejri vs Modi…

Only in India would…

…a man who has frauds related to education with his MLAs question the degree of the Prime Minister even though there was zero controversy in that regard.

…a man call the Prime Minister a psychopath on Twitter, see his online supporters indulge in dirty tricks and then complain of non-stop abuse from trolls.

…the least experienced and zero achievement Chief Minister try to rubbish one of the most successful Chief Ministers ever.

…a man who faces a handful of cases against himself and dozens against his brand new party keep hurling non-stop allegations against the Prime Minister.

…a man hug one the most corrupt Chief Ministers in country and then accuse the Prime Minister of corruption.

© Sunil Rajguru