There’s Very Good Logic, then there’s Viru Good Logic…

The history of cricket has never ever seen a batsman like Virender Sehwag.

He’s a Big Blaster like the Big Bang itself and a Vehemently Virulent Viru for the bowlers.

He’s the only player in the history of Tests to have a strike rate of 80+ and a batting average of 50+.

He’s the only player in the history of ODIs to have a strike rate of 100+ and a batting average of 35+.

Add the two to understand the very exclusive Club of One that he inhabits.

And of course, he has his very own logic…

Very Good Logic: In Tests, give the first hour to the bowlers, then the next five hours are yours.
Viru Good Logic: If I take the first hour, then the next five automatically become mine!

Very Good Logic: Higher the strike rate, lower the batting average, so bat steadily.
Viru Good Logic: Higher the strike rate, more the runs scored per hour. More the runs means higher the batting average, so bat like mad!

Very Good Logic: Flighting the ball increases the chances of getting caught out.
Viru Good Logic: Flighting the ball increases the chances of the ball going out of the ground, thereby minimizing the fielders’ chances of even touching the ball!

Very Good Logic: Show a good ball some respect.
Viru Good Logic: Ha! Main usko salaam karke hi ground ke bahar bhejta hu!

Very Good Logic: Everyone gets stuck in the Nervous Nineties.
Viru Good Logic: Nervous? Woh kya hota hai? Nineties? Maaf kijiye, main jyaada der waha rukta nahin hu isisliye uske bare main mujhe koi idea nahin hai!

Very Good Logic: There are some pitches where it is difficult to score freely.
Viru Good Logic: Abbe! Batsman ball ko maarta hai ya pitch ko???

Very Good Logic: Singles are very important to rotate the strike.
Viru Good Logic: 4s and 6s are very important to rotate the bowlers!

Very Good Logic: An old ball will start reversing, so be careful.
Viru Good Logic: An old ball should be sent out of the stadium, so the opposition will be forced to take a replacement ball that doesn’t reverse!

Very Good Logic: Records are meant to be broken.
Viru Good Logic: Your experts’ silly rules and logic are meant to be broken!

© Sunil Rajguru

Twisted freedom quotes specifically for the Internet

∙ Freedom is my virtual birthright and I shall have it!

∙ Cyberspace is free speech of the netizens, for the netizens and by the netizens and all the politicians can go jump in a virtual lake!

∙ The Internet did not invent free speech. In a very real sense … free speech invented the Internet.

∙ It is true that in cyberspace you may suppress most of the people some of the time; you can even suppress some of the people all the time; but you can’t suppress all of the people all of the time.

∙ And so, my foolish politicians: ask not what the Internet can do for you – ask what you can do for the Internet.

∙ Politicians do not mistrust the Internet because they are maligned; they are maligned because they mistrust the Internet.

∙ Politicians versus the Internet: First they ignore it, then they try to suppress it, then they fight it, then the Internet wins.

Tum mujhe bandwidth do, main tumhe free speech doonga…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The news in statements and mirror statements…

Sibal: Censor cyberspace!
Cyberspace: Censor Sibal!

Singhvi: Lokpal draft finished.
Team Anna: Lokpal finished!

Religious leader to women: Please don’t touch bananas.
Congress woman president to party leaders: Please stop going bananas!

Congress: FDI in Retail.
The Rest: Retail of Foreign Delayed Indefinitely.

Pranab Mukherjee: We are lucky that we are not eating lizards!
Citizen to politician: You lizard!

© Sunil Rajguru

Some highly Sibalized words…

Desibal: The amount of noise Sibal makes when he makes a grand announcement about things like policing the Internet.
1 Desibal = 200 decibels (dB).
Reference: 130dB=Threshold of pain. 194dB=The theoretical limit for undistorted sound.

Invisibal: The unseen logic of all the school of thoughts in the world that do not conform to Sibalism.

Abolisibal: Something that should be totally done away with, like cyberspace and the BJP.

Irasibal: The irritation we feel when we see Sibal and the irritation he feels when he looks down upon us.

Sensibal: What Mr Sibal thinks he is when he is actually nonsensibal.

Coersibal: The force which Sibal thinks he has to coerce us into submission.

Convinsibal: A synonym for unable of being convinced.

Enforsibal: Cyberspace censorship? Ha ha ha!

Forsibal: What we will do if you don’t compy with us.

Permisibal: The condition of only pro-Congress things being allowed in India.

© Sunil Rajguru

The UPA wants the 1984 reality in 2012…

In Steven Spielberg’s movie Minority Report, the pre-crime division arrested people before they committed the crime!
The UPA is working on a similar technology by which all anti-Congress status messages, comments and photographs will be blocked even before they can be put up.
After Spielberg, the UPA is looking to better George Orwell’s Thought Police.
Nineteen Eighty-Four has come and gone, but beware of Two Thousand-Twelve!

The Cybernukkad…
What if a Government official announced at every nukkad in India that speaking against the government was banned?
What would happen?
There would be a revolution all across India!
So then, why are you trying to do the same at all Cyberspace nukkads?

© Sunil Rajguru

Understanding the current UPA strategy…

Once a consultant visited Congress headquarters.

A worker banged his head against the wall and kept shouting that he couldn’t get his mind off the pain.

The consultant stomped the worker’s foot.

As the worker hopped in pain, he yelled at the consultant, “What did you do that for?”

The consultant said, “How’s your head pain?”

The worker said, “I can’t feel it!”

The consultant said, “The body can handle only one pain centre at a time!”

One leader found this quite amusing and wondered if the same experiment could be applied to the nation.

Nation reeling from scams.

Bam! Arrest Anna Hazare.

Nation reeling from high-profile arrests.

Bam! Rahul Gandhi talks utter nonsense!

Nation still reeling from scams.

Bam! FDI in retail.

Nation reeling from inflation, petrol price hikes.

Bam! Censor cyberspace!

Next Bam! Is what?

© Sunil Rajguru