20 New Facebook Definitions…

Facebook: Your brand new face in cyberspace.

Facebook Status Quo: When you don’t change your Facebook status for ages.

Facebook Equilibrium: When you have found the balance in usage of Facebook statuses, notes, quizzes… and squeezed it in your delicate work-life balance (if you had any in the first place).

Facebook Vacuum: That empty empty feeling when you haven’t seen your Facebook Homepage in ages.

Vacuum: Something that was there in your life before Facebook filled it ;)

Facebook Quiz: A lot of inane question made by Facebook Addicts who follow a totally non-scientific process to make you seem something that you actually aren’t but which everyone else in your Facebook Friends’ list sub-consciously starts believing.

Facebook Thumbs Up: I like you very much… eh err I meant your status, or link, or note, or…whatever that’s on your profile.

Facebook Thumbs Down: The dislike symbol, which officially a million Facebookites have asked for and I think the other 131 million don’t want.

What’s on your mind? Facebook’s gateway to your thoughts: The new “How are you” or “How are you doing” of cyberspace.

Facebook Note: A status message that goes way beyond 100 words (roughly the space that a status message will allow). Has the added advantage of tagging your friends.

Tag: Telling someone and his or her friends that you have written a note.

Facebook Cause: A tool that allows you to fight for a few hundred causes without even knowing what they actually stand for in the first place.

Facebook Profile: Your virtual multiple personality which resembles nothing like that of your real life one.

Facebook Home Page: Your cool adda, where you hang out with all your virtual friends.

Facebook Wall: The plainest form of communication on Facebook, resembling a chat message or small email.

Facebook Addict: The person who has written this note and probably the person who is reading this right now. Also known as Facebooker or Facebookite.

Facebook Enemies: They don’t exist. Everyone in your Facebook universe is either a friend or a friend of a friend or a friend of a friend of a…

Facebook Fatigue: Isn’t too much of even a good thing bad for you? ;)

Facebook Death: When someone in your friends list leaves Facebook.

Facebook Illiterates: The billions of poor souls in this world who are not on Facebook.

© Sunil Rajguru

Newton’s Third Law and the Indo-Pak conundrum

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

That’s Newton’s Third Law.
You can also apply it to India and Pakistan via the following theorem:

Whenever something good happens in the Indo-Pak theatre, something equally bad happens to counter it.

Here’s the historical proof:

Independence leads to a permanent Kashmir problem
Action: All the people of India (irrespective of religion, caste and creed) fight for and get Independence from the Britishers. 1947 was supposed to be a new beginning and a time of hope.
Reaction: Independence actually leads to two new nations that are in conflict with each other from Day 1. Communal riots and killings rule as more than 12 million are displaced from their homes. Millions carry the hatred in their hearts till death.

Rann of Kutch peace leads to 1965 war
Action: In 1965, Indian and Pak forces collide in the Rann of Kutch. British Prime Minister Harold Wilson negotiates a peace and the whole world is happy that there is no war.
Reaction: Pakistan, which was already planning something after India’s loss to China in 1962, is further emboldened by this peace, perceiving it as a sign of India’s weakness. It launches Operation Gibraltor (infiltration into Kashmir), which leads to an all out war and more than 5000 soldiers are killed on both sides of the border.

Liberation of Bangladesh leads to new post-Partition hatred mindset
Action: Indira Gandhi made one of the most decisive moves of her career with a military operation that led to the Liberation of Bangladesh. This was hailed as a permanent solution by some. Pakistan formally accepted the LoC and signed a peace treaty.
Reaction: Infiltration of Bangladeshis continues to this day. Bangladesh isn’t exactly a friendly country and hosts military training camps. The LoC is still where it was and is crossed with impunity by infiltrators. Most importantly, while a generation of people who were adults during 1947 no longer exists, it has been replaced by a generation of people who swore that they would avenge the Partition of Pakistan. One such individual was Company Commander Pervez Musharraf.

Stable nuclear India leads to unstable nuclear Pakistan
Action: In 1974 with the Pokhran nuclear blast and the Liberation of Bangladesh firmly behind us, many thought that India was virtually invincible. A new nuclear power surrounded by an enemy in two pieces.
Reaction: Zulfikar Ali Bhutto said, “We will eat grass but will make Atom Bomb”. And 35 years after Pokhran, Pak Nukes are still giving the whole world torrid nightmares.

Capture of Siachen leads to seeds of Kargil
Action: When Pakistan was planning to capture Siachen in 1984, Rajiv Gandhi pre-empted the move and the Indian Army firmly established base there.
Reaction: While people have talked of the high cost of maintaining Siachen in terms of expenditure and army lives, a little known fact is that the Pakistani Army worked out the Kargil Infiltration plan soon after that. The plan was given to Dictator Zia in the eighties itself and he struck it down. Benazir Bhutto also brushed it aside. General “Revenge” Musharraf took this file out of the backburner and made it the pinnacle of his military career.

Kashmir militancy follows democracy in Pakistan
Action: In 1988 when I was in school, the neighbourhood suddenly erupted in firecrackers even though Diwali was some time away. I learnt that Zia had died. That paved way for democracy in Pakistan.
Reaction: It was precisely during the democratic regime of Benazir that militancy made its debut in Kashmir. Zia may have been a dictator, but he understood the folly of an all out Indo-Pak war. He also had control over the extremist elements of Pakistan. Benazir in contrast had no control (neither today does Zardari have for that matter). As a result, thousands of lives have been lost in Kashmir and continue to do so till this very day.

Kargil victory leads to rest of India attacks
Action: When India won the Kargil conflict, there was great celebration and just like at the end every war or conflict, it was expected that the peace would be lasting.
Reaction: Face it. As an Indian, you feel less and less safe today. Post-Kargil is when the militants changed their tactics and started attacking cities. First it was just Kashmir. Now no place in India is safe.

When I was small, I heard that for every two steps India takes forward, it takes one backward. Well even that’s pretty good for you still end up with a step forward. When it comes to India-Pakistan it’s simply one step forward and one step backward. After more than 60 years, we are exactly where we started. We have the Valley. They have a bit of Kashmir. We’re still enemies with no solution in sight.

In the last 60 years, the Communist Russian Empire collapsed. The Berlin Wall came down. Fidel Castro quit after nearly four decades in power. America is warming up to India. China switched from Communism to Capitalism. India switched from Socialism to Capitalism. But the Kashmir situation and Indo-Pak relations seem to be getting worse. Despite that, the moment there’s an inch of progress, we start patting each other on the back and start celebrating, Breaking News… not knowing that the Indo-Pak matrix will be reloaded again and again and again…

Quick Facts
1. Kashmir was called Heaven on Earth by Mughal emperor Jehangir.
2. In 2005, there was a petition calling for the substitution of Sindh with Kashmir in the national anthem. The Supreme Court struck this down.
3. Pakistan founder Jinnah was under the impression that India would merely split into Hindustan and Pakistan. He was very disturbed when we retained the name India. He realized correctly that while Pakistan would suddenly become a new nation, India would continue to be thousands of years old.
4. Jinnah was suffering from tuberculosis throughout the forties and he died just a year after Pakistan was created. Some British officials are later said to have commented that had they known, then maybe they would have tried putting off the Partition!

Post Script
Post-26/11 a lot of people were happy at our “coercive diplomacy”. Then people started celebrating the Talibanisation of our neighbour and how Pakistan was being destroyed by the very thing it created.
Stop being happy. The more you laugh now, the more something will make you cry at some later point in life.
That’s an Indo-Pak truth atleast.

© Sunil Rajguru

May 2009 Short Takes

Last heard: Karunanidhi’s fourth wife’s fifth cousin’s brother-in-law’s eldest son has been made Deputy Minister of State for Family Affairs in the Union Cabinet.
May 29

Archie has no choice but to marry the millionaire’s daughter during such a severe economic recession…
May 28

Archie marries Betty/Veronica. Everyone loves the issue, but after that the strip dies a slow death. Then Balaji Telefilms buys the rights and makes “Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bhau Thi in America” and gets back its TRP ratings, drawing the youth audience, the oldies and the NRIs. The love triangle continues post-marriage. Archie ko kabhi mukti nahin milegi!
May 28

Dear Mr Mittal, The only thing your customers need is more+better towers and a helpful+polite customer care. It’s been noticed that the more Airtel ‘Grows’, the more the network ‘Groans’. Hope the MTN deal won’t strain+stress the already strained+stressed consumer. Regards, An Average Airtel Customer
May 27

How can a Virgin control the fortunes of a Playboy?
May 27

By the time the Bangalore Metro is finally ready, civilization as we know it would have ceased to exist.
May 25

Bangalore Bangalored in the final! An Aussie lifts the “Indian” Premier League cup yet again.
May 24

6 icon players. Sachin. Dada. Wall. Yuvi. Sehwag. VVS. Two IPLs. Not even one of them could captain their team to a single final! What a con the icon concept was!
May 24

If the Government performs and is stable and steady, won’t the TV channels get bored out of their skulls for the next 5 years?
May 23

Chennai’s Dhon it! Deccan fully charged. Ab “Vijay Kumble” kaho. Trophy se Dilli door nahin. Punjab isn’t sitting Preity. KKR Khan’t do Dadagiri. Warne ka Raj khatam. Mumbai Sachi in nahin hain re!
May 22

There’s no such thing as the Peter Principle. George W Bush rose 20-25 levels above his competency level and stayed there till the US constitution allowed him.
May 20

From Moral Policing in Mangalore Pubs to Midnight Dining in Bangalore Restaurants. Karnataka is finally making progress!
May 20

Sidelines Election 2009: A tiger cub mauled an ageing tiger in Mumbai.
May 19

Rain, rain, don’t go away. And still come again another day.
May 19

Hopes & prays IPL2 isn’t fixed. Too many matches going too close. Too many set batsmen throwing it away. Looks to be following some script.
May 19

Looks like a lot of Indians were secretly, involuntarily and sub-consciously part of the Save The Tiger campaign in Sri Lanka.
May 19

Swine Flew. Tamil Tigers finished. Sensex soared 2000 points. And KKR won!!!
May 19

Bangalore has two seasons. The Rainy Season. The Non-Rainy Season.
May 18

Nowadays many people are Singhing praises, something Missingh in the past.
May 18

In West Bengal, is Mamta the Fast Forward button, or is she the Rewind button?
May 18

The Indian electorate always votes randomly. They get it right once in a while. Maturity is impossible. Remember 200-year-old America elected George W Bush for 2 consecutive terms.
May 17

Spotted in a Museum: Advani’s Dreams, Mayawati’s Ambitions, Laloo’s Pride, Left’s Ego and the Ruins of the Third and Fourth Fronts.
May 17

Suna hain aaj shyam ko Manmohan aur Sonia ne Yechury Khichdi khaaya aur raat ko desserts ke taur par Karat halwa. Burp!
May 16

Released on May 16: The sequel to Singh is King. Expected to run for 5 years.

Jo Jeeta Wohi Singhendar
May 16

CPM: From 24-Karat Gold to Zero-Karat Gold.
May 16

Manmohanomics will counter Recessiononomics
May 16

Centre in Recession. 1984: Rajiv did 5 years with 400+ of his party MPs. 1989: Rao with 245. 1999: Vajpayee with 182. 2004: Manmohan with 145. Good news: At this rate, 2009: 100 seats enough to last 5 years! Jai Ho!
May 16

Driving directions for 2009: Go Left to destroy the country, turn Right for more communal violence, stick to the Centre for the same set of problems you’ve had for the last 5 years
May 16

Hey you’re in the middle of a Great Depression! You’ll recall these moments fondly in 2041 in your retirement home when the 3rd Great Depression will be on :)
May 13

KKR Management: No Seedhi Baat, Only Bakwas
May 13

SRK ke do k..k..kamzoriya… k..k..k.. k kiran aur k..k..k..k.. kolkata k..k..k..k knight riders…
May 12

In 1999 the BJP was in power, in 2004 Congress, in 2009… it doesn’t matter actually, the people are always out of power in India.
May 11

When the people want to punish parliament, they hang it.
May 10

Captain Gopinath for Prime Minister. He’ll start a helicopter charter Air Dhakkan for politicians and we’d be rid of their city traffic jams forever.
May 10

I never knew the Ad in Advani stood for Advertisements: They’re just all over the place!
May 9

PMs in waiting: 2009: Advani, 2014: Rahul, 2019: Modi, 2024: Priyanka, 2029: Arun Jaitley, 2034: Priyanka’s First Kid, 2039: Varun Gandhi, 2044: Priyanka’s 2nd kid… 2069: priyanka’s 2nd grandchild….
May 9

If Obama has his way, then Bangalore will be Bangalored!
May 9

IPL main dher saara Maal laya, phir bhi Vijay nahin ho paya bechara
May 9

Bengal has been leaning Left for decades. Hasn’t it got a crick in the neck and feel like stretching and maybe moving right for a change?
May 9

I hope the Third Front will be Left behind after these polls…
May 8

Aren’t you missing Bush? He loved India and the standard of international cartooning has crashed. No funny quotes and gestures, only goody-goody and boring Obama.
May 7

In 1934, 90% of Germany’s 95% registered voters voted for Hitler in a referendum. So much for high voter turnout being the solution…
May 6

If Cong wins, BJP will be Modified. If BJP wins, Cong will see a Sonrise. If both lose, we’ll all be Left in Front of a Mayajaal.
May 4

Strange Mathematics: The Greatest Indian Captain + The Greatest Australian Coach + The Reigning Bollywood Badshah = The Worst IPL Team
May 4

From now on, the swine shall be referred to as H1N1. Usage examples: This country is ruled by H1N1s! You H1N1! What do you think of yourself? That H1N1, wait till I get him…
May 3

And the Good Big Wolf ran away from the Three Little Bad Pigs because they had Swine Flu…
May 3

Chappell, More, Vengsarkar, Buchanan, SRK… poor ole Sourav can have a “Challengers Against the Royal Prince XI” play against him
May 1

Never enter into a fight with your children. If you lose, you’ll feel bad. But if they lose, you’ll feel worse.
May 1

© Sunil Rajguru