Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Dhoni.
Dhoni who?
Don’ you think he’s the luckiest captain of IPL?
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Chris Gayle.
Chris Gayle who?
Christ! Gaye tel lene saare bowlers!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
SR Khan.
SR Khan who?
Sir, can you stop with all these non-stop fights and controversies?
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
UPA.
“You PA Sangma who?” asks the UPA presidential selection committee.
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
The BCCI has just completed its enquiry into the washout of the Indian team in England. Here are the results…
1st Test: Players just reached England. They had difficulty in adjusting to the conditions, pitches and climate.
Observations: Organize many more tours per year, so players will get over their “first match blues”.
2nd Test: India hadn’t choked for absolutely no rhyme and reason in a Test in ages. Law of averages finally caught up with them.
Observations: There’s nothing we can do about that.
3rd Test: Race riots happened in England at the time of the Test. The poor players were very scared. Smoke could be seen behind the stadium during the toss.
Observations: We couldn’t cancel the match as we needed the money and got it. No complaints there.
4th Test: Last match in the series. Players extremely tired and demoralized.
Observations: Organize 3-Test series in the future. As it is ODIs make more money. One lost Test = 3 more ODIs.
T20 International: Players played a whopping three practice matches the previous week, therefore they were extremely tired.
Observations: Stop listening to experts and stop organizing so many practice matches. As it is they don’t make much money.
Complete ODI Series: Rain, weather, damp pitches, Mr Duckworth and Mr Lewis dominated and there’s nothing anyone can do about that. This series can be totally forgotten, especially as we didn’t lose much money.
We were also told that captain MS Dhoni was fatigued and tired and should be rested, then how did he emerge as the leading run scorer and man of the series? The BCCI should stop listening to so-called experts.
Final Observations: Arre bhaiyya aal izz well!
Note: The ECB is seeking the BCCI’s expertise to explain its 0-3 ODI thrashing and making a similar report.
This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru
Class Teacher Duncan Fletcher aaya…
Students ka haal poocha…
Sehwag: Mere kandhe main dard hai.
Gambhir: Mera haath sujha hua hai.
Zaheer: Mera pair dukh raha hai.
Bhajji: Mere pet main dard hai.
Yuvi: Abhi to main bimari se nikla hu!
Mukund: Main naya hu, kuch samajh main nahin aata.
Ishant-Sreesanth: Itna kabhi bhaage nahin life main, hume rest do.
Raina: Ye sab dekh ke mujhe headache ho raha hai!
Class monitor Dhoni: Mera poora class hi thaka hua hai to main kya karu! Aaj kal mera bhi man hi nahin lagta routine matches main.
Headmaster Shashank Manohar: Naacho! Aur zor se naacho! Naach mere bublbul-o to paise milega, to paise milega…
© Sunil Rajguru
New cricketing mantras…
Bhajji: Make life Large. (Large bowling averages and Large batting errors)
Dhoni: Make life Different. (Effect unheard of batting collapses and opposition tail onslaughts)
England: Make life Broad. (And then celebrate with Strauss beer)
The new Mr India…
Rahul Dravid. India ko 15 saalo se bacha raha hai, phir bhi koi use dekh hi nahin sakta! Bus doosro ki centuries ki hi padi rahati hai!
Strange Weather…
When its fully cloudy, it rains wickets.
When its sunny, the runs shine.
When its India, a wicket downpour can come from the middle of a beautiful blue sky.
Myth: Lemmings commit mass suicide. If one jumps, the others merely follow.
Fact: On Saturday, Yuvraj Singh became the Prime Lemming of Trent Bridge.
© Sunil Rajguru
∙ Left hand doesn’t know what right hand is doing?
In Pakistan, the brain doesn’t know what both hands are doing.
∙ Feels like Dhoni was born and brought up in Chennai. Won’t be surprised if he stars in Shankar’s next film speaking fluent Tamil!
(May 29)
∙ Here: ISI = Indian Standards Institute
Elsewhere: ISI = International Standards Institute of terrorists
(May 28)
∙ The IPL has just split into the Indies Premier League and the Injured Premier League.
∙ Major Iqbal doesn’t exist.
ISI-terror nexus doesn’t exist.
Osama support system never existed…
Very soon Pakistan won’t exist!
(May 27)
∙ Current political roadmap for India…
No Left turns…
No Right turns…
But still long steep road ahead…
∙ Dear Bharadwaj,
Karnataka is not fond of Pratibha Patil.
Kindly leave her out of the equation.
Regards,
Even someone who’s not a fan of Yeddy.
∙ There was Houdini, who could get out of any situation, no matter what…
Then there’s Houdhoni!
∙ It’s either Gayle or Ghayal.
RCB is an Aaya Gayle, Gaya Gayle team… totally Gayle bharose…
(May 25)
∙ From now on, the Indian version of the Punch and Judy Show will be referred to as the Hans and Yeddy Show.
∙ Charlie Sheen was the only Man in Two and a Half Men.
With the way it is going, they should rename it…
Three Half-men.
(May 20)
∙ In case of midterm polls in Karnataka, Bharadwaj should be the Cong CM candidate.
He’s the only Cong face and his aggression may well help the state.
(In 2014, if BJP wins at centre, then BSY can become Governor)
(May 16)
∙ Petrol prices in India don’t need Viagra.
They keep rising all the time no matter what…
(May 15)
∙ US-Pak ties are like a terribly failed marriage where both parties are petrified of a divorce…
(May 13)
∙ If India had to retrieve its most wanted out of Pakistan, we’d require a fleet of A380s to do so, not a bunch of choppers!
∙ I am not ashamed of being an Indian.
I am just sickeningly and totally used to it all by now.
(May 12)
∙ Right now, the US government is fantasizing of doing the same thing to Julian Assange.
∙ Second Thoughts: All Pak Armymen begin their career in Abbottabad. So it was only natural that ISI’s biggest recruit began his career there under a new boss.
(May 10)
∙ Morning Show: Phas Gaya re Osama!
Noon Show: Tere bin Laden!
(May 2)
© Sunil Rajguru
Dhoni: Maine bola tha na, UDRS nahin chalega!
Dalmiya: Tune mujhe hi nahin, poore West Bengal ko lalkara hai.
BCCI: Pawarsaheb, tum us paar jaake badal gaye ho.
Pak: Mere country ko matches se kangal kiya. Mere players ko ban kiya. Chhodunga nahin!
Ireland: Hame 2015 se nikal diya? Le world cup record pe record…
Finance Dept: Suffer with UDRS, we cannot afford more technology like hot spot…
Manmohan: ICC head honcho sahab, aap hamare bhi ally ho na?
This Version by Sunil Rajguru