Ob-li-mey O-ba-ma

(Please sing to the tune of the Beatles’ O-bla-di, O-bla-da)

The Prez comes with a barrow in the Indian market place,
Manmohan is the leader of the land,
The Prez says to Manmohan “man let’s do business”,
And Manmohan shakes him firmly by the hand.

Ob-li-mey O-ba-ma, he’s the man O-ba-ma,
La-la how the paeans go on,
Ob-li-mey O-ba-ma, he’s the man O-ba-ma,
La-la how the paeans go on.

The Prez takes a trolley to the Indian stores,
And announces deals worth billions n billions,
Takes it back to Manmohan waiting at the Indian shores,
And as he gives it all the politicians sing…

Ob-li-mey O-ba-ma, he’s the man O-ba-ma,
La-la how the paeans go on,
Ob-li-mey O-ba-ma, he’s the man O-ba-ma,
La-la how the paeans go on.

In a couple of years they would have hoped to have built,
A home sweet home of business,
With a couple of dozen planes, turbines and N-plants,
And thousands of US jobs.
(Ah ha ha ha ha ha)

Ob-li-mey O-ba-ma, he’s the man O-ba-ma,
La-la how the paeans go on,
Ob-li-mey O-ba-ma, he’s the man O-ba-ma,
La-la how the paeans go on.

And if you want some fun,
Ob-li-mey O-ba-ma, he’s the man O-ba-ma.

This Spoof By Sunil Rajguru

(Original song: O-bla-di, O-bla-da
Group: Beatles
Year: 1968)

TV Channels and the US President

(Please read in the spirit of “Blind men and the Elephant”)

A number of TV news channels came to see a US President. One was the first to click him stepping off the plane. It went running and screaming “Exclusive footage of the President’s feet landing on Indian soil.” Another got a side angle of his dancing wife: Exclusive No. 2. Another found out all about his favourite food while yet another about his views on some trivial issue that concerned no-one. Soon the number of exclusives ran into hundreds.

Meanwhile real issues that concerning the people of the land were all relegated firmly to the background as thousands of hours of TV footage and millions of viewers watched the spectacle of a president’s personal likes, dislikes, tourist visits, dance steps, political clichés and diet and no-one actually seemed to know what the actual political and economic ramifications were of such a visit…

This version by Sunil Rajguru

The Dumbest Electorate in the World?

Sometimes I think India (and I’m very much part of it) is the dumbest electorate in the world. While at the end of every election, the media goes ballistic on how mature the electorate is and how the people cannot be fooled, the truth is far from that.

It all began with Jawaharlal Nehru. What were his policies? Were they good or bad? Should alternatives be looked at? No-one cared. Nehru was such a gigantic personality, that the people voted for the Congress in general election after general election no matter what state the country was in. He would probably have been elected easily even if he had lived till the age of 100.

They say that the common man wants peace and hates war and that in reality war benefits no-one. But the electorate loves all-out wars.

Lal Bahadur Shastri brokered a peace in the Rann of Kutch. He was seen as weak. Then he won the 1965 war and was suddenly seen as strong, even though his policies remained the same. Indira Gandhi built her seventies rule on the Indo-Pak war even though it ruined the economy and led to the Emergency. The Siachen maneuver boosted Rajiv Gandhi’s image while the Kargil War put a spring in AB Vajpayee’s step.

Talking of the above Emergency, it was the Opposition which got the worst out it. What about the common man? He lived in a clean and efficient India where government officers did their work and trains came on time. Of course the common man hated the new efficient India and kicked Indira out at the first given chance.

They say the common man is interested in development: All he wants is roads, water, electricity, education etc. But pro-development Chief Ministers like SM Krishna and Chandrababu Naidu were unceremoniously shown the door. Even J Jayalalitha in her last term concentrated on development and was hence booted out.

Laloo Prasad Yadav had nothing to show for his 5 years rule. So he got re-elected. Then he had nothing to show for his 10 years rule, so he got re-elected again. The electorate loved his non-development so much that they even backed his wife, Rabri Devi, a total novice. When he was finally seen as an efficient Railway Minister, he was booted out both in his Centre and State as punishment for this new clean image!

In fact Mayawati after coming to power in Uttar Pradesh showed she could be as inefficient as Laloo. The electorate rewarded her with 21 Lok Sabha seats. The state that has shown minimum development in the last 30 odd years is West Bengal. So it is no wonder that the Left is the country’s longest lasting government there.

Now we have entered the era of Coalitions. That could also be because we have entered the era of the Confused Electorate, nothing else.

Of course, there are exceptions where the electorate has really made a wise choice. But there are so few of them that we could say that exception proves the rule.

The Indian electorate is always swayed by vague thing like sentiments, sympathy waves and communal/secular “images”. They are never worried about the real issues that concern them.

The Indian electorate is much like the stock market. You don’t know what really drives it and when and why it will suddenly crash.

© Sunil Rajguru

The slightly Good, mostly Bad & downright Ugly side of Commonwealth Games 2010

C for Corruption
India set out to showcase its economic might and development path, but ended up showcasing its corruption instead. All’s Not Well That Merely Ends Well. Countries will remember this for a long long time and CWG 2010 will be a Benchmark for corruption and mismanagement.

O for Opening Ceremony
Funny how a few song, dance and light shows can make everyone forget misappropriation of funds and missed deadlines. Indian Olympic chief Suresh Kalmadi’s moment (even though he was booed) after which the media declared that All’s Well That Begins Well.

M for Mani Shankar Aiyer
The Congress politician, who definitely did not have the last laugh… (Last heard he sacked his Rain Dance Master)

M for Money
How much did the games actually cost? How many funds were siphoned off? How much money could have actually been diverted for actual development?

O for Organizing Committee
Which in retrospect will be called the Disorganizing Committee.

N for Next
Next is what? Olympics? When will India be able to host the Olympics? Or is it N for Never?

W for Witch-hunt
The Central Government constituted a Special Investigation Committee to look into the whole fiasco. The saga continues even after the games end…

E for Environment friendly
In association with the United Nations Environment Programme, they were called the Green Games. However the presence of the games village near the Yamuna bank and the felling of trees had detractors crying foul.

A for Aquatic Pigeon Poo
Swimmers complained of pigeon droppings in swimming pools. Some alleged a Delhi belly because of that. Most Indians didn’t know what all the fuss was about.

L for Lane
The reserved Commonwealth Games Lane created quite a stink before the games began, but was luckily not as bad as that once the games started.

T for Toilets
Foreign media highlighted the stinking dirty toilets before the games began and continued to do so till the end of the games.

H for Hockey
Char din ki chandani, phir andheri raat hai
After reaching the Commonwealth finals for the first time ever, a 0-8 thrashing in the finals.

G for Gold Rush and Gagan Narang
Every cloud has a gold lining. 38 Golds (4 for Narang). Second Place, ahead of England! (Great Britain had 19 Golds in the last Olympics) Only the medals tally will be remembered in the future.

A for AR Rehman
Was the official theme song Jiyo Utho Bado Jeeto that bad? Is AR Rahman in decline? Is he no longer Ram but in fact the Ravan of music?

M for Manmohan Singh
Who had to keep stepping in to save face in the run-up to the games. It is said that once a President was ready to sweep the floor for a Prime Minister. In this case, a Chief Minister taunted the Prime Minister to do the same.

E for Elizabeth II
The Queen missed a Commonwealth Games for the first time in decades. What was she scared of?

S for the Suresh and Sheila Show
Potentially good material for an Indian version of the Punch and Judy Show featuring the games head and Delhi Chief Minister.

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

How to make Egg Broth, Karnataka Style

Set out to make an omelet.

Take a basket with 224 eggs.

Colour 110 saffron and the others in various other hues.

Poach another half-a-dozen eggs and try to paint them saffron too.

Scramble the rest and move on to other experiments

Some eggs will hate being boiled or fried and try to jump out of the pan.

Proceed to mix all of them to now make Egg Broth with a few dozen cooks supervising.

Egg roll… sorry drum roll… for the worst gastronomical disaster in recent times…

This version by Sunil Rajguru