More Osama “death” musings…

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Thus spake Obama…

Our supporters want to see the photos. To hell with them.
Our enemies will not like to see the photos. We bow to them.
Conspiracy theorists say he isn’t dead. Here, take more fuel.

P.S. Even I haven’t seen the body myself, but I believe the CIA, which has never lied in its life! Plus as a naive gullible powerful leader, I believe that it is impossible to fake videos, photos and DNA tests and it is also impossible for anyone to lie to a US president!

∙ America has been applying so much pressure on Pakistan, that its spine has sunk into the Indian Ocean. Efforts to locate it will be tougher than the search for Osama.

∙ You really can’t blame Pakistan. It has so many terrorists, that it’s quite difficult to keep track. Maybe it should have a yearly census!

∙ Pakistan has been very worried about Kashmir.
Pakistan has been very worried about Afghanistan.
Pakistan has been very worried about India.
If only Pakistan was so worried about Pakistan!

∙ The burqa should not be banned. In fact, certain men in the Pakistani government should take to wearing it from now on…

∙ Why no Rajnikant jokes on this?
Here’s a pretty lame attempt…
Rajnikant was busy shooting for Robot, Sivaji etc all this while and he lost track of Osama. Last month he called up Obama and asked him why Osama wasn’t caught yet. Obama got scared, the CIA went into overdrive and Osama panicked. The rest is history.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Na toone Osama dekha, na maine Osama dekha…

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When the Pakistan President met the ISI chief after the Osama killing, this is what they sang to each other…

(Please sing to the tune of Dono jawani ki masti main choor from the film Coolie)

Dono anaadi ke masti main choor,
Tera kasoor na mera kasoor.

Na toone Osama dekha, na maine Osama dekha,
Par Osama pakda gaya ho Rabba Rabba,
Incident ho gaya, disagreement ho gaya,
Permanent ho gaya Rabba Rabba.

Hum do anaadi na dekhi Abbottobad ki haveli,
Na dekha uski parchai,
(Par ye samundar main dal di ye kiski body?)
Na toone choppers dekhe, na maine choppers dekhe
Par Osama pakda gaya…

Lagta hamari matthi maari gayi thi,
Par India ki bhi kuch galti thi,
Mausam ki bhi kuch neeyat kharab thi,
Na toone khatra dekha, na maine khatra dekha,
Par Osama pakda gaya…

Arre nuksaan saara to bharna padega O bharna padega,
Ab humko Amrika ke saamne jhukna hi padega.
Na toone khabar leak ki, na maine khabar leak ki,
Par Osama pakda gaya…

(Original Song: Dono jawani ki masti
Film: Coolie
Year: 1983)

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Osama’s death in Hollywood quotes…

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Yes, we will finally see a photograph and probably video of Osama’s death.
But has anyone outside of American citizens actually seen his body?

Jerry Maguire
Show me the body!

Casablanca
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful conspiracy theory.

Apollo 13
Attobad Mission Centre: Islamabad, we have a problem!

Gone With the Wind
Obama to Zardari: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

On the Waterfront
Pak to US: You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a terrorist state, which is what I am.

Star Wars
The Taliban to Osama, when he left Afghanistan: May Pakistan be with you.

Cool Hand Luke
US-Pak ties: What we’ve got here is (a) failure to communicate.

A Few Good Men
Obama to Zardari: You can’t handle the truth!

The Terminator
The Ghost of Osama: I’ll be back.

Frankenstein
It’s dead! It’s dead!

Psycho
A Pak government’s best friend is his terrorist.

Wall Street
Pak creed: Terrorism, for lack of a better word, is good.

Sons of the Desert
Zardari Hardy to Laurel ISI: Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!

Casablanca
Osama: Of all the ISI joints in all the towns in all of Pakistan, they walk into mine.

Titanic
Obama: I’m king of the world!

Grand Hotel
Osama: I want to be alone

Casablanca
The ISI after the capture: Round up the usual suspects.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Osama “death” musings…

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Rumsfeld’s “unknowns” trumped…
Did Pakistan not know Osama was in Pakistan?
(How could they not know?)
Or are they merely pretending to not know?
If Pakistan knew, then did America know that Pakistan knew?
Or is Pakistan really playing the game… Does Pakistan know that America knows that Pakistan knew?
Past: They knew. Present: They are pretending to not know. Future: Who knows?

On Osama’s tombstone…
In Life: Osama bin Laden
In Death: Osama bin Body

The moot question….
Which Body was thrown into the ocean?
The Body of Evidence?
Or…
The Body of Lies?

Crazy conspiracy theory No. 2456…
Did Obama kill Osama?
Taking a vague and far-fetched numerology equation…
Put Obama and Osama side by side.
Cancel all the common letters.
All that is left is B… and S…
BS–>BullShit!

© Sunil Rajguru

7 possible theories behind the Osama story…

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7 possible theories behind the Osama story…

1. The Tere bin Laden Theory
Osama died years back anonymously. A US top official saw the Bollywood film Tere bin Laden and decided to stage-manage the death of a look-alike. That’s why the US forces simply stormed in, got time to do DNA test and dump his body in the ocean on the way back all in a matter of hours. Plot could possibly be used for a Hollywood Tere bin Laden.

2. The WillKat Wedding Theory
Obama gave the the Osama kill order on April 29. And yet Osama died only on May 2. What happened in between?
British intelligence got wind of it and Queen Elizabeth personally called Obama to postpone the capture as it would upstage the marriage of her grandson William with Kate.
Britain hasn’t been America’s best friend for nothing.

3. The Change of Leadership Theory
People within Al-Qaeda were fed up and wanted a total change of leadership and infusion of fresh blood and therefore ratted him out.

4. The Osama-Pak Fallout Theory
Pak had been housing Osama for years. A tiff over some minor issue led ISI to anonymously tip the CIA.
They later pretended to know nothing about it.

5. The I am Bored Theory
Tired of being locked indoors for 10 years, Osama cracked up and slipped out for a morning walk at 4am and was noticed by a neighbour who anonymously tipped off the ISI who anonymously tipped off the CIA.

6. The Law of Averages Theory
Osama’s security head kept him hidden for more than 3500 days.
Look what happened when he had a bad day!

7. The Dubious Dubya Theory
George W Bush got top secret info on where Osama was hiding in his second term.
He decided to use it for a rainy day in maybe his third term. Only, he forgot that he was not entitled for a third term and he forgot about the note.
Obama found a note in his drawer that said: “Open on April 14, 2011 before the re-election campaign”. The note had the coordinates for the house which has been housing Osama from 2005.
Lucky Obama!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Ye dushmani hum nahin todenge…

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Dedicated to Indo-Pak relations, please sing to the tune of Ye dosti hum nahin todenge from Sholay…

Ye dushmani hum nahin todenge,
Todenge dam magar teri gardan na chhodenge.

Teri haar meri jeet, teri jeet meri haar,
Sun ae jhoothe yaar,
Tera gham kabhi ho na kam, jaayegi meri jaan ya teri jaan,
Aisa apna takraar.

Nukes se bhi khelenge, mauka to udalenge,
Danger pe bhi khelenge, tere liye le lenge,
Tere har dushmano se dosti,
Ye dushmani hum nahin todenge.

Todenge dam magar,
Teri gardan na chhodenge.

Logon ko aate hain do Kashmir nazar magar,
Dekho do nahin,
Arre ho judaa ya khafa ae khuda hai dua,
Kashmir sirf hame mile…

Goli barood saath hai,
Marna jeena saath hai,
Saari zindagi,
Yeh dushmani hum nahin todenge
Todenge dam magar teri gardan na chhodenge…

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

(Original song: Ye dosti, hum nahin chhodenge
Film: Sholay
Year: 1975)