∙ Two sides of the coin…
Fan: I gave him so much respect, support and wasted so much of my time and he gave me two whitewashes.
Dhoni: These jokers vandalized my home in 2007 for no reason and after that I gave them two world cups and the Test crown. Ab meri jaan loge kya?

∙ Chief Opposition Party…
Hain Subramanian Swamy,
Govt+BJP… sleeping all…
Courts are the only wake-up call…
Aur Swamy bhaisahab hai virtual Lokpal.

∙ Congspeak…
You can’t write to Manmohan.
You can’t speak against Rahul.
You can’t Facebook against Sonia.
P.S. Anna Hazare is a Fascist!

∙ The Great Tennis Trivalry…
Federer: The Greatest.
Nadal: Nemesis of the Greatest.
Djokovic: Even a Nemesis can have a Nemesis!

(January 31)

∙ What a government! Even Aadhar needs aadhar.

∙ What’s the time?
Rafa: 5.53.
Djoker: Dunno man, it’s stopped for me.
Fans: Time to watch shorter & less nerve-wracking Tests instead.
Federer: …up, I guess…

(January 30)

∙ Novak is the Serbian word for New.
Dear Federer-Nadal, you have been just been wished a Happy Novak Year!
Now French (is wide) Open and Wimbled(on) or (off) for Federer?

∙ His mother sure had a sense of humour.
Mulayam?
This man is as hard as nails and will go to any length to gain power.

∙ A short Australian Open final? Are you Djoking? Nada chance!

∙ Dhoni chaand hai.
Chaand main daag hai.
Daag 0-7 hai.
Move on.

∙ Team India is still not embarrassed by the Whitewash.
Makes sense.
After 0-4 in England, they were shocked.
After 0-4 in Australia, they are used to it.

(January 29)

∙ Kabhi kabhi kucch jeetne ke liye kuch haarna padta hai…
Jeet ke haarne wale ko Baazigar kehte hain.
World Cup jeet ke 0-8 haarne wale ko Team India kahate hai.

∙ 2007-11: I never had so much fun watching cricket.
2011-12: I never had so much fun listening to cricket discussions (my own nonsense included).
First T20 Champions. Then Test champions. Then ODI champions.
Right now the Critics are Champions.

∙ Overheard in an Aussie bar…
“I think you should retire”
Five people turn around.
Federer: You talking to me?
Paes: You talking to me?
Sachin-Dravid-VVS: You talking to us?

∙ South Africa lost their No. 1 ranking in 3 months.
England became No. 1 and in their very next series are 0-2 down with the latest abysmal 72 all down.
Give India some credit. They stayed at the top for 20 months before disintegrating.

∙ Socialism hits Test cricket…
South Africa thrash Australia. England thrash Australia. England thrash India. Australia thrash India. Pakistan thrash England. (India did thrash Australia on home soil too, 2-0, 2-0)

∙ Can Rahul Gandhi retire in place of Rahul Dravid?

∙ LK Advani is planning a massive nationwide Big 3 Bachao Rath Yatra.
He is strongly against retirement of any kind, be it political or cricketing.

∙ On January 26, India celebrated Republic Day.
On January 28, Indian cricket fans celebrate Independence Day.
(Now no more Tests outside the sub-continent for close to 2 years.)

(January 28)

∙ ViruS lag gaya uske batting main… Gotta (be more) Gambhir… Rahul “Over the Wall” Dravid… Searching (for the Mahashatak) Tendulkar… VV Laxoldman…

∙ Why TOI is No. 1 in India and Hindu is not.
The TOI ad took a dig at Hindu, while the Hindu took a dig at TOI customers.
Remember, customer is always king.
He can kill a brilliant product and make a downright mediocre one a world beater.

∙ What the Hindu ad campaign is really saying…
TOI readers (millions and millions of potential customers), you are too dumb for us.
Don’t buy The Hindu, continue reading TOI.
Really smart marketing, na?

∙ In Test cricket, it has been decided to nickname India “Down Under”.
All foreign Test series that they play will be called the “Indian Ashes”.
The Grand Old Men of Indian cricket will now be called Grandfathers instead.

∙ Dear die-hard cricket fans,
Get up really late tomorrow by which time even the post-match ceremony and analysis would be over. They’ll be showing highlights of the 2007 T20 WC for the umpteenth time and you’ll be wondering if the Whitewash was part of a bad dream you had in the night…

(January 27)

∙ Yesterday: VirUnder Sehwag.
Today: Vir@Kohli.
Tomorrow: Trust youth. At least give (Roh)it a chance!

∙ Ponting: Why no follow-on? Why are we batting again?
Clarke: Aji aisa mauka phir kahan milega, India jaisa attack phir kahan milega, ao dikhlaata hu tumko Adelaide main ek rangeen shyam, peeto peeto peeto peeto peeto… an Indian bowler in Adelaide…

∙ If Cricket is our Religion, then the Australian tour is Blasphemy.

(January 24)

∙ Citizens protest JLF organizers protesting authors reading from Satanic Verses, who in turn were protesting Salman Rushdie not visiting JLF due to protests from various groups, who also received their fair share of protests…
Polls in UP matlab Uttar Pradesh ya United Protests?

∙ Q: What do you think of the Economy?
Average Citizen: EcoNoMe.

∙ Kapil Sibal must really love the US Stop Online Piracy Act.
But his Internet censorship dream is still a case of Sonia and SOPA…
Sorry… so near and so far…

(January 20)

∙ A different take on the Army age row…
Army Chief: Matriculation Certificate is final!
Government: No, a handwritten application is supreme!

∙ So howz the WWW (World Wikipedialess Web) faring today?

∙ The world economic system is phasing out AAA batteries. How shocking!

(January 18)

∙ TV advertisers are demanding that Sunny Leone be made the cricket team captain.
That’s the only way to keep the live telecast TRP ratings up.
And she can’t lose a four-Test series 0-5 can she?

∙ From now on the BCCI has decided that foreign tours to Australia, England and South Africa will have 7 ODIs, 5 T20s, 1 Test and no practice matches.
Na rahega baas, na bajegi baasuri.

∙ This is the first time that the whole Indian team has been declared retired hurt.

∙ This is the worst Australian team in 25 years.
That would make this the worst Indian team in 250 years?

∙ Air India to Pilots: You’re sick!
Pilots: So are you!

(January 15)

∙ Somewhere between Sydney and Perth, Australia scored 836 runs for the loss of 1 wicket.
India meanwhile lost 30 wickets to cross their first 800 Test runs for the tour.
836/1 vs 811/30… Did I wake up in a different plane of existence???

∙ 10 Indian batsmen = 1 Foreign Batsman
Perth, 1st Innings, 2012: India 161. Warner 180.
Sydney, 1st Innings, 2012: India 191. Clarke 329.
Edgbaston, 1st Innings, 2011: India 224. Cook 294.
Trent Bridge, 2nd Innings, 2011: India 158. Bell 159.

∙  Jab tak sooraj chand rahaega,
Mahashatak tu aata aata… aata hi rahega…

(January 14)

∙ Indian Batsman: Bhagwan ke naam pe ek century de de re baba!
Indian bowler: Bhagwan ke naam pe ek wicket de de re baba!
BCCI: Bhagwan ke..  are chhod! Mujhe kisi cheez ki kami hai kya… haare to haare! IPL in April!!!

∙ Nowadays everything is Made in China it seems… even the Indian Government’s Internet Policy…

∙ Conspiracy theory #34…
Aliens are secretly changing the pitch whenever India goes in to bat.

∙ Test Team India’s theme song…
Hum jis se bhi takraayenge, hum hi mitti main mil jaayenge…

∙ In this series, Australia have made their last 771 runs for the loss of 1 wicket.
This is called a balanced team.
Batting (Worst Ever) = Bowling (Worst Ever).

∙ Patient: I’m depressed.
Doctor: Take this medicine till August.
Patient: Why till August?
Doctor: Because there are no home Test series till then.

∙ General Rule: When you reach rock bottom, there is only one way and that is up.
Indian Test Rule: When you reach rock bottom, you can stay there for a pretty long time.

∙ C… Speed of light… Cosmic speed limit… Nothing can cross it… not even light…
100C… Cricketing speed limit… Nothing can touch it… not even God…

∙ They should just change their name to Pacoupstan.

(January 13)

∙ India’s most popular headline of the last 300 days and still going strong…
“India gears up for Sachin’s 100th 100”

∙ Wake up guys, Indian cricket is not a matter of life and death.
(Right now it’s only a matter of death!)∙ So even the Information Superhighway in India has potholes…

∙ Banker: Bad times! All loans are being defaulted nowadays!
BSY: Yeah, I know. I had loaned my CM’s chair to Sadanand! He’s not giving it back!

∙ Indian Army Chief to PM: Here’s my birth certificate!
Pakistan Army Chief to PM: Here’s your death certificate!

∙ Very soon Zardari may be singing: Why this why this Coup-laveri Coup-laveri D?

∙ Gavaskar’s biography was Sunny Days.
Inspired by him, Leone is going to write Sunny Nights.

(January 12)

∙ It’s a real shame when the PM calls malnutrition a shame only when he has to push a populist food bill.

∙ Global Economy in 2007: I’m depressed!
Economic Doctors: No! You’re recessed!
Global Economy in 2012: I’m depressed!
Economic Doctors: No! You were fine briefly, but you’re “relapsed recessed”!

(January 11)

∙ Beginning of 2011: Annadi.
Later in 2011: Annarchy.
Beginning of 2012: Annanimity.
Later in 2012: Annather Coming?

(January 9)

∙ The BJP is a party with a Virulent Ideology and Bumbling Spokespersons.
The Congress is a party with a Bumbling Ideology and Virulent Spokespersons.
How is my voting for any of them going to make a difference?

∙ Today is World Unkindness Day!
(This status can be put up 364 day of the year, since annually there is only one Kindness Day)

∙ French Revolution Slogan: Liberty, Equality and Fraternity.
Wall Street Revolution Slogan: Financial Liberty, Economic Equality and to Hell with the Banking Fraternity.

∙ 2011: Anna failed. No Lokpal. Economy tanked. No reforms. Zero governance. Aviation industry crisis. India Tests grim. Mullaperiyar. Telangana. Kudankulam…
2012 (Pointing to 2011): I’ll have the same please!

∙ This new year did all the Egyptians say to each other, “Naya saal Mubarak nahin ho?!”

∙ Overheard…
Media main invest keejiye Mukeshji, it is as it is full of gas and oily people.

∙ Pahale: Corruption hatao… swaha!
Abhi: Corruption lao… Kushwaha!

∙ Mahashatak to Sachin… Tu jahaa jahaa chalegaa, mera saayaa saath hogaa…

(January 6)

∙ Leave Virat Kohli alone. The Indian batsmen are so used to seeing the umpire’s finger nowadays, that it’s becoming a reflex action.

∙ Optimist: A person who still thinks India can draw this match and win the series 2-1.
Pessimist: A person who thinks India will definitely be thrashed 0-4.
Realist: A person who isn’t following Indian cricket right now.

∙ Overheard…
Indian cricketer: Hum World Cup jeet chuke hai, ab chaar saal khelne ki zaroorat nahin hai!
Indian fan: Matlab aur teen saal aisa bakwaas performance jhelna padega?

∙ SCG.
They wanted it to be Sachin’s (100th) Century Ground.
Instead it became Super Clarke’s Ground.
(Also the Sydney Cricket Graveyard for the Indians)

∙ All Indian batsmen are supermen.
The only problem is that their kryptonite is grass.

∙ Masochist: A person who wakes up at 430am to see his team get thrashed by Australia.
Sadist: A person who wants to tell everyone via his status messages.

(January 5)

∙ At the SCG, one Indian batsman is worth 19.1 runs.
Michael Clarke is 251/0.
It will be fair to say that Clarke is worth more than 10 Indian batsmen.
(Arthath: The England bargain sale of Indian batsmen continues)

#thisparticularhashtagisprobablythelongestandcertainlyoneofthemostmeaninglesspluspointlesshashtagsevertobetypedinatwitterstatusmessageperiod

∙ Monkeygate 2 at the SCG. The only difference is that the entire Indian team is monkeying around this time and the Aussie team has evolved.

∙ In 2001, we lost a Test and followed on in the second and still won the series.
Every time we try to emulate that great feat.
The problem is that we usually succeed in the first part of that and fail in the second.

∙ We desperately need a Right to Recall.
(Not for politicians, but for our cricket team playing in foreign lands).

∙ Overheard…
Aap BSP se BJP main kaise pahunch gaye?
Bas S ka J hua hai. Ab Samaj aur Janata main koi farak hai kya?

∙ Tan-ta-na! Tondulkar gaya Tel lene, Tonting bhi aa gaya.
Looks like Hell will Freeze over before the Mahashatak.
P.S. One 0-4 down. One 0-4 looming. So isn’t that Cricketing Hell already?

(January 4)

∙ Indian Cricket has reverted to the BC era.
(BC=Batting Collapses)

∙ China has overtaken us in terms of Science: Manmohan Singh.
Don’t worry! We’ll overtake them in Internet censorship: Kapil Sibal.

∙ Will 2012 see an Arab Summer, where things get really hot and then an Arab Winter, where things get cold again?

(January 3)

© Sunil Rajguru

∙ Now they’ve started naming cyclones after places (Thane hitting Chennai).
It all started when Cyclone Ralegaon Siddhi wreaked havoc in New Delhi.

(December 31)

∙ Lalla lalla lori, Lokpal ki katori,
Lokpal main phir addanga,
Anna karega tamasha…

(December 30)

∙ Abhishek Singhvi… power corrupts (UPA1) and absolute power corrupts absolutely (UPA2)…

(December 29)

∙ At times I think that the Lokpal is just a fictional character like Santa Claus and Superman.

∙ Bureaucrat gaddi pe baitha hua hai.
Lawyers Parliament main lad rahe hain.
Judges desh ka policy influence kar rahe hai.
Social Activists netagiri kar rahe hai.
Bhai logon, Bharat ke asal politicians kahan hain?

∙ SRK: Low turnout at Ra.One!
BCCI: Low turnout at Tests!
Anna Hazare: Low turnout at my rally!
Ye sasure Indians kar kya rahe hain?

∙ Paper Tigers burning in the Aussie Agnipariksha.
Will this be the Ashes Duo Sequel?
0-4 with England. 0-4 with Australia.

∙ The Lokpal is a Pal of no Lok… sab pareshan hain… Government, Opposition, Team Anna…

(December 28)

∙Rajiv Gandhi: Hame dekhna hain… (What, god only knows)
Sonia Gandhi: Maine dekh liya hain… (BJP ka asli chehara after being in politics for 13 years)
Rahul Gandhi: Mujhe kuch dikhai nahin de raha hain (phir bhi main bole ja raha hu!)

∙ If you are distressed by alarmist and confrontationist tones of Indian TV news channels, then just watch Doordarshan all day and you’ll find India peaceful.

∙ Stop saying Parliament is Supreme!
The only thing Supreme in Parliament is Arrogance and Stupidity!

∙ Shuru ho gaya TV ka ABC…
Anna Bollywood Cricket.

∙ Sachin Mahashatak Question #79…
Q: What’s common to R Ashwin, Tino Mawoyo and Kirk Edwards?
A: None of them even debuted in Tests when Sachin scored his 99th century and all of them scored a Test 100 before Sachin’s 100th.

(December 26)

∙ Dear PM,
Of course you are right. 2011 is the National Mathematical Year.
What can be more mathematical than Rs 1760000000000?

∙ Abbe Diggy Raja, congReSS ka RSS hata ke dikha!

∙ PM: I am giving Pranab Mukherjee the Troubleshooter of the Year Award.
Pranab: I would like to thank all my colleagues for creating so much trouble in the first place!

∙ Meira Kumar desperately needs a mobile app by which the moment she raises her mobile to the mike, a recorded “Baith jaaiye! Baith jaaiye!” will automatically play.

(December 26)

∙ They’ve apparently decided to merge two reality shows, Swayamwar and Lost, considering how much of a big boss Veena Malik has become in India.

∙ Aaj ka Bharat…
Opposition: PC is guilty!
PC: I am innocent!
PM: PC’s statement is self-explanatory.
Congress spokesman: Next allegation please!

∙ Jab tak sooraj chand rahega,
Lokpal tu ek bill hi rahega…

∙Non-stop Virus attacks on the PC and it is still not crashing!
(Note: The C in PC stands for Chidambaram)

∙ Looks like Sunil Gavaskar is one short of $100 million in his bank account.
Damn you BCCI for not giving him the “single” $1million and denying him his century!

(December 16)

∙ If you replaced Manmohan and Sonia with statues in the Lok Sabha, nobody would notice and it wouldn’t make any difference and the real duo could get down to some actual work outside.

(December 14)

∙ Quote: God loves those who die young.
Corollary: God simply hates most Indian politicians.

∙ Right now in India there’s an intellectual, financial and industrial recession.
In 2012, the UPA will probably have a full-blown United Political Anna-induced recession.

∙ New Kerala-TN theme song… Aaj dekhe zara kisme kitna hai Dam.

∙ Dear thief, Bhajji has already been dropped for the Aus tour. Why waste time stealing his passport?

∙ Sachin Mahashatak Obscure Fact #23…
Even the Capital of Delhi has hit a 100 before him…

(December 13)

∙ A new show is starting…
Kab Banega Crorepati?

∙ Before 1991, India wanted to be like Russia. Now Russia is increasingly becoming like India: Election rigging, allegations of a foreign hand, old leaders clinging to power, uncertainty in economic policy…

∙ Kapil Sibal finally succumbs to Hazare campaign.
Says: Main bhi Anna, UPA bhi Anna, aur saara (cyber)desh main raj kargega Anna (Big Brother).

∙ As his way of getting back, Kapil Sibal is planning to charge advance tax on all those spam lottery notifications you get in your inbox.

∙ Guys, stop celebrating Rajnikanth’s “birth”day!
Do you really think he was born?
He’s been around for ever, but just merely raised his head in 1950.

(December 12)

∙ Ek Lawyer (Mahatma) ne is desh ki neev rakhi…
Ab ye sab Lawyers milke hi us neev ko ukhaad ke desh ko barbaad karenge…

∙ The new Aussie Test Mantra…
Our bowlers are so good that we can get you 100 all down if we please,
And our batsmen are so bad that we can match the above score with ease…

(December 10)

∙ Yesterday was just a sau sau day for all of us…

(December 9)

∙ South (Africa) ki bajayi Sachin ne.
West (Indies) ki bajayi Sehwag ne.
England is in the North and Australia in the East.
(Just Thinking)

∙ Madhya Pradesh to be renamed Dohra Pradesh thanks to the only two ODI 200s on its soil.

∙ Wishlist to Sehwag from never-satisfied Indian fans.
Wanted…
First T20 Century.
Second ODI Double Century.
Third Test Triple Century.

∙ Why Facebook beats Twitter…
I can put 200 exclamation marks for Virender Sehwag’s ODI Double.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

∙ Double Sauwagh!

(December 8)

∙ The total number of Likes that we all have got over our anti-Sibal status messages, links and photographs is actually the number of Hates he has got. Is he listening?

∙ Cyberspace ka apparent motto…
Aaj anti-Sibal status messages laga lo, Kal ho na ho!

∙ Excited at the sudden spurt of generated content yesterday, Google has announced December 6 as Kapil Sibal Day!

(December 7)

∙ Sibal to Pawar: Thappad se dar nahin lagta sahab, status message se lagta hai!

∙ Kapil Sibal has just been re-designated as Minister for Misinformation Technology.
Diggy Raja is upset and now feels jobless.

∙ Advisor to Government: Stop complicating matters, use KISS (Keep it Stupid and Simple).
All hell breaks loose.
Government to advisor: Our mistake, we used Keep it Sibal and Simple…

∙ The Government has decided to junk the Lokpal Bill and come out with a Cyberlokpal Bill instead to arrest corruption of thoughts and ideas on Facebook and Twitter.

∙ It believes in Unilateral Police Action only and that’s why it’s called the UPA.

∙ Cyberspace is definitely the most unsibalized place on Earth, I tell you!

∙ Coming Soon… KS: A condom for the Internet!

(December 6)

∙ Dam 999 review
The film that was a damp box office firecracker…
…but set the political waters on fire… Damn!

∙ Calypso Magic…
At 170/9, remove 1 from 170, so it becomes 169.
Now take that removed 1 and add it to the first digit of the score, so it becomes 269.
Final score: 269/9.
Magician: Ravi Rampaul, 86(66)@No. 10!

(December 2)

∙ Love 2 Hate U = Arjun Rampal saying Love 2 Love U to ALL celebrities.
Stupid Format of insulting unsuspecting and unprepared haters on TV.
Shows Celebrities in India are gutless and can’t face real competition.
This is just part of an Arjun PR Campaign for Celebrities.

∙ Looks like more people have read the Caravan review of Suhel Seth’s new book than have actually read the book…

(December 1)

© Sunil Rajguru