Category Archives: Short Takes

Indian cricket decline musings…

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• Indian Test team needs FDI. Needs to include 4 foreign players like an IPL team to remain internationally competitive.

• GB Shaw remixed: Cricket is a game played by 22 fools, watched by 22,000 spectators, followed by 22 crore people on TV and has probably generated 22 billion useless status messages by now.

• Dravid and Laxman have ruined it forever. After Eden 2001, fans always believe we can make a comeback from the most hopeless of situations.

• Even myths on decline…
Sachin scored only two Test 50s in 2012.
India lost both matches.
New myth: Whenever Sachin scores a 50, we lose.

• Pitches fast, flat ya ho spinning,
India can just forget about winning.

• Waiting for the day when the BCCI will ban the ICC for not following its rules.

• In 1675 Captain Cook discovered the South Sandwich Islands.
In 2012, Captain Cook converted the Indian attack into a Sandwich and had it for lunch as India went South.

• Na Vir hoke khele, na Gambhirta se khele, koi Virat score nahin, Sachi’ main ab Bharat cricket ka Yuvraj bhi nahin… That’s the Mahi Way.

• BCCI is fighting for money, Dhoni is fighting against curators, Sachin is fighting age, Sehwag is fighting his instincts, Bhajji is fighting for his form, Yuvi is fighting for a permanent place, Rahane is fighting to get in, Fletcher is still fighting to establish himself… Who is fighting England?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Musings on Indian politics…

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• Only in India: A party playing minority politics calls itself secular (Congress), a party with an ultra-Left outlook calls itself anti-Left (TMC), a party that championed reforms is opposing FDI (BJP) and a party which bemoans the caste system uses caste as its sole idenitiy (BSP).

• Sonia: If only I could speak like her. Sushma: If only I had her power.
Rahul: If only I had his personality. Modi: If only I had his destiny.

• Communal BJP is opposing FDI.
Therefore FDI becomes secular.
Hence it should be supported.

• The Congress started the Swadeshi Movement in 1905 and the Videshi Movement in 1991.

• Group A: Best Hindi orator Sushma + Best English orator Jaitley + Popular PM choice Modi + Best CM Nitish.
—Will lose in the elections to—
Group B: Sonia can’t speak for nuts + Rahul can’t think for nuts + Manmohan can’t govern for nuts.
Welcome to India. Barack Obama would lose his deposit here.

• The UPA is a lame duck government, but it still manages to give a solid kick with its good leg.

• When a secular wants to criticize a Muslim, he criticizes a Hindu first to show balance.
When Arvind Kejriwal wants to attack the Congress, he attacks the BJP first to show balance.

• England has the concept of Shadow Prime Minister.
India has the concept of Shadow Allies. (SP & BSP)

• Sholay, FDI remix: SP-BSP apne MPs se kehti hai, bhaag ja warna communalism aa jayega.

• Hamaam main sab nanga. Sirf main kapde pahan ke nahata hu: Arvind Kejriwal.

• Our netas understanding of issues…
Q: FDI kya hai?
SP: BJP.
Q: Nahin, iska matlab kya hai?
SP: Communalism.
Q: Matlab, support kyun nahi kar rahe?
SP: BJP.
Q: Matlab, danger kya hai?
SP: Communalism.
Q: To phir abstain karke pass kyun karwaya?
SP: BJP aur communalism.

• Congress party ke do hai rakshak,
Hamesha bachate hai, bhale hi kare pahale bakbak,
Maya Didi aur Mulayam Chacha, hai koi shak?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Sachin retirement musings…

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∙ Sachin. Then: Bold. Now: Bowled. Then: Aala re! Now: Gela re!

∙ 2010: You simply can’t joke about Sachin.
2011: Did you hear the joke about Sachin?
2012: Sachin is a joke.

∙ Yesterday: Who has the guts to bowl right now? Sachin is here!
Today: Who wants a wicket? Sachin is here!

∙ If Sachin is God, then atheism is the fastest growing movement in Indian cricket right now.

∙ Mahashatak kab aayega? Woh kab retire hoga?
90% coverage in media in the last 2 years.
10% actual coverage for his game.

∙ The Little Master is getting littler and littler with every innings.

∙ 1989-2011, Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the greatest of them all? You my Lord Sachin!
2012, Mirror: I don’t know about you, but I feel old!

∙ In 2014…
Manmohan will retire and Rahul will make his debut.
Advani will retire and Modi will become shadow PM.
Sachin will retire and Arjun will make his debut.

∙ What will be Sachin’s last score in Tests?
50!
50 runs?
No age 50!

∙ Sachin to decide when to retire: Board.
My retirement decision with board: Sachin.
Ye pahale aap, pahale aap main aur do saal nikal jaayenge.

∙ Quote: Change must come from within.
Sachin: Retirement must come from within.

∙ Sachin favourite to grab 2-minute noodle brand ambassadorship from Rohit.
(Ref: Batsman goes in to bat, boil noodles. Batsman gets out, noodles ready.)

∙ When the match will be played in Delhi…
Rajya Sabha is adjourned till we have Sachin. He’s coming, he’s just gone into bat!

∙ The circle of life…
Sachin made his debut when he was 16.
Sachin will retire when his son turns 16.

∙ Bowlers on Sachin then and now…
1989: Ye baccha kaha se bat karega?
2012: Ye buddha kaha se bat karega?

∙ Sachin has enough time to bat in Mumbai and catch a plane to attend the RS session in Delhi on the same day. This is how he can balance two careers.

∙ Sachin defence argument #23…
How many MPs do you know who have scored even one international run?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

November 2012 Status Updates

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∙ Egypt’s journey, 1922 to now…
Imperial Dictatorship to Royal Dictatorship to Military Dictatorship to Civil Dictatorship.

(November 28)

∙ FDI = Finally DMK In.

∙ 2014 main UPA ka hat-trick ball aa raha hai. Lag gaya to BJP clean bowled, all down aur retire ho jaayega.

∙ Arvind Kejriwal: Mere paas paisa hai, shaurat hai, scoops hai, support hai, political party hai, 24X7 media coverage hai, tere paas kya hai?
Kiran Bedi: Mere paas Anna hai!

(November 27)

∙ After Kejriwal’s “Mango people” Aam Admi Party, banana republican Vadra will probably want to launch Kela Logon ka Political Dal or KLPD.

∙ Kejriwal’s party is Aam Aadmi Party or AAP.
Other parties not impressed, say…
AAP yaha aaye kis liye? AAP ka kuch nahin ho sakta!

(November 24)

∙ Egypt’s many springs…
1922 Spring: Britishers ousted. 1953 Spring: Monarchy ousted. 2011 Arab Spring: Dictatorship ousted. 2012 protests: Another spring?

∙ Pre-1947: Congress fought war of Independence against the British.
Now: Congress fighting war of Independence against CAG, CEC, courts and all Independent bodies.

∙ RP Singh’s economy rate: -1.74 lakh crore Rupees.
Wickets: 1, Vinod Rai. Or so says Third Umpire Congress.

∙ Indian team main ek RP Singh fast bowler tha.
CAG team main ek RP Singh spinner hai.

(November 23)

∙ Trust Arvind Kejriwal to spoil Congress’ 26/11 party.
NSG = “Not So Great” treatment of our heroes.

(November 22)

∙ After hanging Kasab, there’s one less Pakistani terrorist, we’ve helped our neighbour. But the number of Indian criminals remains exactly the same.

(November 21)

∙ Fiscal cliff. Republican partisan mountain. Iran nuke canyon. Petraeus gorge. Israeli ties plateau. Afghan precipice. China currency fault lines…. Rocky second term for Barack Obama.

(November 16)

∙ Rahul Gandhi=Peter Pan of India. Never grows up. Ungrounded: Flies in the air. Looks like he believes in magic. Doesn’t live in India, but his own Neverland.

(November 14)

∙ Adpapers: The Ads of India. Adistan Times. The Ad.
Ad channels: AdTV. CNN-AdBN. Ads Now. Ads 24X7.
Adazines: Adlook. Ads Today. Adfare.

(November 11)

∙ Congress leaders are absolute masters of the PDA: Public Display of Arrogance.
∙ Right now the time is 10.18 AM and the date is 11-11-2012. This happens only once in eternity. Wow!

∙ If there’s a right-wing Hindu within your office network, is he called an Intranet Hindu?

∙ Kejriwal has shamed them!
Khurshid: A sub-1 crore scam!
Vadra: I’m nothing in front of Raja!
Ambani: Rs 100 crore! Never seen such a low amount!

(November 9)

∙ Politicians are doing the role of businessmen and businessmen that of politicians.
Activists are doing the role of journalists and journalists that of PR professionals.

∙ Indian Railways’ Cursed Ticketless Corporation.

∙ 2012 sounded more like the second coming of Christ than the election of the US President.

∙ Maybe the Times of India can come out with a main edition called Ads and a supplement called News.

(November 9)

∙ Chinese leadership change slogans…
Change the party can believe in.
Audacity of hopelessness.
One couple one child zero vote.
No you can’t!

∙ 1971: Ram ka naam badanaam na karo.
2012: Radha ka naam badanaam na karo.

∙ Like Naughty@40, LK Advani is PMHopeAlive@85.

∙ LK Advani still blows out all the candles of his birthday cake, closes his eyes and wishes to be Prime Minister.

(November 8)

∙ The 3 Holy Ss of India…
Sonia—cannot be investigated.
Sachin—cannot be questioned.
Scam accused—cannot be convicted.

∙ Old biblical saying… And the meek shall inherit the Earth.
Ancient Indian saying… And the corrupt shall inherit the land.

∙ Old: Ek machhar aadmi ko hijda bana deta hai.
New: Ek Tweet aadmi ko criminal bana deta hai.

(November 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

Section 66A musings…

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∙ Tomlinson invented e-mail.
Chandrababu Naidu popularized e-governance.
Congress invented e-mergency.

∙ Pachaas kos door shahar main jab bachcha raat ko Facebook karta hai, to maa kahti hai beta so ja… so ja nahi to policewallah Section 66A leke aa jaayega…

∙ Criminal 1: How did your life in crime begin?
Criminal 2: In the beginning was the virtual word.

∙ Kapil Sibal is demanding an Arrest button for all status messages. Oh wait! He’s already got it!

∙ There is virtually no right to virtual speech.

∙ Virtual Insanity for Real…
Kill offline, get away.
Criticise online, get arrested.

∙ Tweet, get arrested. Take photo, get arrested. Draw cartoon, get arrested. Fight corruption, get arrested. Welcome to 2012, India’s Nineteen Eighty-Four.

∙ He has three vices: Smoking, drinking and Facebooking.
Is he a womaniser? No, worse, he’s a social networker.

∙ Offline: Think before you speak.
Online: Think before you Tweet, post, update, comment, like, blog, email, forward…

∙ 666: The number of the beast.
66A: The number of the political beast.

∙ In US, Obama has 24 million followers on Twitter.
In India, if the Congress had their way, they’d rather put 24 million Tweeple in jail.

∙ Redefining Social Media.
Politicians: They are all so annoying!
Enter Section 66A.
Politicians: They are all criminals!

∙ Messenger has invisible mode.
Likewise entire Facebook and Twitter has to be in invisible mode from the Indian government.

∙ Facebook sadism…
Step 1: Write awesome comment to a popular post.
Step 2: Wait for a few dozen likes.
Step 3: Edit your comment to something really really offensive.
Step 4: Get arrested with all those dozens of people.

∙ Indian politico’s new age mantra: Offline sticks and stones won’t break my bones, but online names and comments will always hurt me.

∙ During Emergency 1975, they could arrest anyone in India.
During Emergency 2012, they can arrest anyone in cyberspace.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Indian cricket musings…

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∙ Can’t pace. Can’t spin. Can’t play pace. Can’t play spin.
But can still spin the ad market at a frantic pace.

∙ Dhoni sahab, mitti pe itna dhyaan doge to mitti main hi mil jaoge.
Insaan match khelta hai, pitch ki mitti nahin.

∙ Cricketer 1980: It is not about winning or losing, but playing well.
Cricketer 2012: It is not about winning or losing, but earning well.

∙ The pitch needs a Curator.
Indian cricket needs a Cure.

∙ Dhoni checklist. Can’t sack Fletcher. Can’t sack Gambhir. Can’t sack Sachin. Can’t sack self. So… sack curator!

∙ 2009: At least we are Test No. 1.
2010: At least we give a fight on foreign soil.
2011: At least we win at home.
2012: At least… F*** it! We still have all the money!

∙ As lucky as Dhoni has become As stubborn as Dhoni.
As godlike as Sachin has become As mortal as Sachin.
As ineffective as Duncan Fletcher remains.

∙ Jab tak sooraj chand rahega,
Dhoni captain aur Sachin khelta rahega.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru