Mishaps since 2013—Naval chief resigns.
Mishap Defence Minister since 2006—Chalta Hai.
Biggest mishap Prime Minister since 1947—#TheekHai.

India is stuck with an idiot in Defence Minister’s uniform and a puppet in Prime Minister’s uniform.

1971: Just one Indian Navy ship lost in war.
2014: Indian Government’s indifference, incompetence and inertia may wreak greater havoc.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Indian border/LoC musings…

Sad ugly truth…
China: Our soldiers don’t require visa to enter India.
Pakistan: Our soldiers don’t need to enter India. We fire from our positions and the Indian government does nothing.

What is common to Batman, Superman and Indo-Pak peace?
A: They are all fictional characters.
Tragedy is our leaders still believe in it as soldiers keep dying non-stop.

Pak leaders’ gifts…
Liaquat: 1948 Kashmir war.
Ayub: 1965 war.
Yahya: 1971 war.
Zia: Siachen conflict.
Benazir: Kashmir militancy.
Sharif: Kargil.
Sharif is back! Arre kamse kam koi usko return gift to de do!

Antony on KBC…
Antony: People in Pak Army uniform did it.
KBC: LoC kiya jaaye?
AKA: Errr… let me change my answer… Pak Army did it.
KBC: Full marks to you! Now we move on to the next question. What are you going to do about it?

We are an army of tigers led by wolves in lambs’ clothing.
(Summing up the soldier-politician relationship)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

March 2012 Status Updates

∙ Bottle main ganda pani hain, par dhakkan saaf hai.
(Reference: PM & Defence Minister)

My name is Anthony AK,
Main Defence Ministry main akela hu,
Resolve bhi hai khali, trust bhi hai khali,
Isme rahegi koi na koi controversy,
Hay scam offer yaad aaye jab chahe chale aaye,
Raisina Hill New Delhi kholi number 420…

∙ India invented Zero.
Sachin re-invented ZeroZero.
Indian politicians created ZeroZeroZeroZeroZeroZeroZeroZero… scams.

(March 30)

∙ Handle violent protests with non-violence.
Handle non-violent protests with violence.
That seems to be the UPA policy right now.

∙ For the UPA, 2011 was Anna horribilis.
But if the Lokpal gets passed this year, it’ll be Anna mirabilis.

∙ How Tatragate will be handled…
Antony to PM: Monitor! Monitor! My General is misbehaving!
PM to Sonia: Teacher! Teacher! What should I do?

∙ Seen in a different light, Gen Singh is merely fighting a War Against Financial Terrorism.

∙ India is a trillion dollar economy.
ScamIndia is a trillion dollar economy.

∙ Overheard…
Govt: That’s not the truth
Gen Singh: The truth? You can’t handle the truth!

(March 29)

∙ Every night they brush their teeth with Coalgate and still wonder why their teeth are so black.

∙ Facts of the day…
Dravid is the Wall.
Congress is the Gate.
(Coalgate, 2Gate, Adarshgate… make your own gate).

∙ When will this BSY Bele Bhath go thanda in Karnataka?

∙ The CAG has put the government in coald storage.

∙ Bypoll news: Cong wins in Karnataka, Gujarat. TRS wins in AP.
Analysis: BJP loses in Karnataka, Gujarat. Congress loses in AP.

∙ The Republicans should look towards a Joint Presidency bid to have a ghost of a chance against Obama in the upcoming elections.

∙ 2G has made the UPA a 0G (Zero Governance) government.

(March 23)

∙ US: I-wreck and then I-run leaving everyone stranded in the middle.
—Eh! So that’s their Iraq-Iran-Middle East policy?

∙ In CAG, C now stands for Coal, A for Air India and G for Generations of mobile telephony scams.

∙ UPA: Hum poverty ka band baja nahin sakte to kya hua? Hum poverty line ka hi band bajayenge.

∙ Give a man a long Rope and hang him.
Give the world economy a long Europe and hang it.

∙ Kingfisher and RCB are still having a severe financial hangover.
That shows that you shouldn’t mix your drinks—or industries!

∙ If Trinamool withdraws support and SP steps in then will UPA2 be called UPA Version 2.1?

(March 22)

∙ The Ctr C Ctr V anthem…
Status message koi lift karta hain to karne de,
Is rang badalti
cyberduniya main kya tera status message hai, kya mera status message hai?
Aasu na baha, fariyaad na kar…

∙ Whenever Sachin scores a century, India doesn’t win the match…
This statement has been holding true for 500+ consecutive days now.

(March 21)

∙ Delayed Mahashatak PJ…
Anjali: How was your day?
Sachin: Sau sau.

(March 18 )

∙ Roller Coaster Super Friday
Morning Lead: Will the budget be good?
Noon Lead: Budget is bad!
Afternoon Lead: Will Sachin get his Mahashatak!
Evening Lead: Sachin gets his Mahashatak!
Night Lead: Bangladesh wins!
Final Lead: Both Common Man and Cricket Fan lose.

∙ It was the best of matches. It was the worst of matches.
Sachin fans got to see the 100th 100.
Sachin’s critics got to say “I told you so!”

∙ ABCD of today…
A for Allies cloud over UPA.
B for Budget of gloom from Pranabda.
C for Century of Centuries to wipe out all of the above.

∙ Actual quote of Pranabda…
I must be cruel (to the common man) to be kind (to the government).

∙ Colours of the Budget…
Token White Paper on Black Money even as White Money is in the Red and the Common Man is going to be beaten Black & Blue. Saffron and Red see a Green light for 2014…

∙ The Mahashatak question…
If not today, then when?
If not against Bangladesh, then against who?

(March 16)

∙ Rahul Gandhi is a VVIP.
(Very Very Irrelevant Person.)

(March 12)

∙ Three step procedure for Rahul Gandhi to revive himself.
1. Quit the party.
2. Emigrate.
3. Enjoy life.

(March 11)

∙ Dear Rahul Dravid,
Please postpone your retirement to 2014.
Then you can take over from Rahul Gandhi.
You’d make a better PM than him.

∙ Dear Congress,
Happy Holi.
P.S. Please use other colours to hide your being beaten black and blue.

∙ Guess Mayawati must see it all as a conspiracy to spoil Women’s Day (Sonia may agree).

(March 8 )

∙ Rahul campaigns in Bihar. Cong gets 4 seats. Chauka!
Rahul campaigns in UP. Cong gets 6 more seats. Chakka!
Don’t worry Rahul, tumhara 2014 LS polls main just about Shatak poora hoga.

∙ Final UP tally…
Goonda Raj & Sons: 224 seats.
Megalomaniac Behenji: 80.
Confused National Party: 47.
Absentee Future PM: 28.

(March 7)

∙ Overheard….
If 100 seats is a fig leaf, does 50 seats count as half a fig leaf?

∙ UP polls…
Haath aur haathi ko haath,
Cycle nahin, baap beta ka tandem hai,
Kamal: Begani shaadi main Abdulla deewana…

∙ Don’t worry. Waise bhi Rahul beta ko pachaas ke aage ki ginti aati hi nahin hai…

∙ Psephologist (Noun, Indian definition) A fraud who gets paid to make a prediction and paid even more later on to explain why the prediction went wrong in the first place.

(March 6)

∙ Diggy Raja trashes the RSS.
Diggy Raja trashes the BJP.
Diggy Raja trashes exit polls.
Diggy Raja trashes…
Bottomline: Diggy Raja is trash.

(March 4)

∙ King Cong se g (Gandhi) gir raha hain to reveal King Con.

(March 3)

© Sunil Rajguru