Random Thoughts 5

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· Man was not made in the image of God, but in the image of the Quantum Particle: Unpredictable, schizophrenic and linked together with his fellow men in ways that one cannot even begin to comprehend.

· In a Limited Overs Cricket team, there should be 10 batsmen/fielders and one mathematician. Put a bowling machine with umpteen permutations at the centre and let the mathematician be the bowler. Then with 10 batsmen, we can have regular scores of 500 and everyone can be happy. As it is, all the rules are killing bowlers.

· Life is simple as a child. Then you complicate things by ending up in a college and course that is prestigious rather than one that your heart wants. Your subsequent job choice based on that is a further complication. Then you get married and that’s really complicated. So is parenting. Finally you keep changing jobs and running after material things that make you the Master of Complications. Thereafter Life is a Struggle. But Life is also Quicksand. The more you struggle, the more you sink…

© Sunil Rajguru

New Revised Golf Glossary…

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Birdie: Synonym for “Girlfriend”. In this usage it means: Having one girlfriend over par.
Eagle: Having two girlfriends over par.
Albatross: Having three girlfriends over par.
(This may also end up hanging around your neck.)
Condor: Having four girlfriends over par.
Tiger: Having an unlimited number of girlfriends over par.

Ace: A golfer who is also a hit with the girls.
Aggregate: The total number of hits a golfer has made with girls.
Aim: The direction in which your (female) target lies.
Alignment: Adjusting your secret personal life with your golfing life.
Back Nine: Remembering the last nine girlfriends in your life.
Bare Lie: A golfer telling everyone that he is a happily married man.
BIGGA: British and International Golfers & their Girlfriends Association.
Bye: A short game played because one has to leave early to go for a secret date.
Closed Stance: Hiding one’s personal details from the world at large.
Fore! The exclamation you yell before a golfer crashes into a fire hydrant.
Funnies: Used to describe various achievements in a golfers life, both positive and negative.
Handicap: Being unable to being a hit with the girls.
Pro: Synonym for ace

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

It’s all about temperature…

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In India, Global Warming has suddenly become very hot…
but Indo-Pak relations have gone cold

We are warming up nicely towards America…
and have developed cold feet towards China

Leaders like Pranab are blowing their cool…
while others like Laloo are cooling their heels

People are becoming hot and bothered over Telangana…
but nothing will happen; it will cool off in a matter of time

And of course, this is India…
We reserve the right to blow hot or cold over any of these issues at any given time

© Sunil Rajguru

6 things washed in my washing machine…

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…apart from clothes, that is…

1. USB Drive: Came out sparkling clean. Still working perfectly.

2. Son’s Watch: Fell to pieces. Watch repairer fixed it. Looks brand new. Still ticking away.

3. Umpteen Currency Notes: They look a little bleached, but shopkeepers accept them anyway.

4. Chocolate Eclairs: Came out intact. On opening the wrapper, the éclair looked OK too. But why take a chance? Straight to the dustbin.

5. Paper: Grade Two Disaster. Goes to pieces. Sticks to the clothes. Difficult to get off.

6. Coins: Grade One Disaster. Machine Stopper. Got stuck somewhere and brought the machine to a standstill. Serviceman’s comment: Why do you waste Rs 350 service charge on a one-rupee coin? Point taken. Coin looks somewhat like another coin that I had kept over a railway track and let a train run over it.

Moral of the story: Check your pockets thoroughly before you put your clothes in the machine.

© Sunil Rajguru

Ji Huzoor…

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Centre: Hum weak ho rahe hain!
Advisor: To phir regions ko aur bhi weak kardo!
Centre: Us-se kya hoga?
Advisor: Aap bahut strong ho jaoge.
Centre: Kya bakwas kar rahe ho! Regions weak ho jaayenge to hum bhi weak ho jayenge.
Advisor: Einstein ka naam nahin suna?
Centre: Kis kambhakt puraane British politician ka naam le rahe ho?
Advisor: Woh… chodo… Relativity kahata hain ki agar doosre weak hote jaate hain to aap relatively strong hote jaate hain…
Centre: Einstein ko maaro goli, ye Relativity bhai sahab bahut acche lagte hain.
Advisor: To amal kiya jaaye… regions ko chote chote tukdo main baat do.
Centre: Todo, todo, regions ko todo… as a first step… us ka Fast todo.
Advisor: Ji huzoor.

(Moral of the story: In 1947 there were 17 provinces in India. In 1975 there were 21 states. Today there are 28. Tomorrow there will be 35. First thoda resistance and finally our kids will mug up the new names quietly for their GK test and we’ll happily help them.)

***

Hamare batsman acche hain, Rules se bowlers ki jaan lelo
Ji huzoor…
Ye Chucker ka chakkar chodo
Ji huzoor…
Woh Pak nahin khelega..
Ji huzoor…
Hame T20 nahin khelna hain…
Ji huzoor…
Chalo T20 khel hi lete, domestic bhi
Ji huzoor…
Acha chalo do aur Test hi khelte hain…
Ji huzoor…

(Moral of the story: Who cares about the ICC Test/ODI/T20 rankings when India has been the undisputed No. 1 in the Unofficial Cricket Power Rankings for ages now and continue to do so)

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 4

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·We live like matchsticks in a matchbox. We go to office like ants in a line. We work like sardines in a can. As the years go by, we make the boxes, lines and cans more and more beautiful and feel happy about it even as the grim underlying reality never changes.

· Sometimes I think that the Indian Cricket Team’s favourite theme song is Ring a ring a roses… they especially love the “and we all fall down” part.

· I like the way Indian newspapers keep saying “ABC grilled today”, “CBI grills XYZ” etc. Someone coming from the past would have visions of a grim torture chamber with the person a hot grill over fire.

· For men only: As a bachelor you are fully alive. Being a husband leaves you half-dead. Fatherhood fully kills you. If you have many children, then that’s life after death, you are living the life of a ghost.

© Sunil Rajguru