Too close to call?
Best CM candidates…
1. Maken.
2. Bedi.
3. Kejri.
Most popular…
1. Kejri.
2. Bedi.
3. Maken.
Best “governance” party…
1. BJP.
2. Congress.
3. AAP.
In a parallel universe…
Delhi ka neta kaisa ho?
Ajay Maken jaisa ho!
Paanch Saal Maken Sarkaar.
Maken lao, Delhi bachao.
Maken, Maati, Manush.
#AbkiBaarMakenSarkaar
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
Claim: Indian Kashmir is occupied by Indian Army.
Reality: Pakistan is occupied by Pakistani Army (and terrorist groups).
Claim: Kashmir is a troubled State.
Reality: Pakistan is the most troubled State.
Slogan: Save Kashmir.
Reality: Save Pakistan.
Claim: Indians don’t care for Kashmir.
Reality: Pakistanis don’t care for Pakistan.
Claim: There should be Plebiscite in Kashmir.
Reality: There should be Plebiscite in every State of Pakistan.
Claim: There will be peace in Pakistan when there is peace in Kashmir.
Reality: As long as there is no peace within Pakistan, Kashmir will always be targeted.
Claim: Kashmir should be part of Pakistan.
Reality: Pakistan’s claims on Kashmir will leave it in parts.
© Sunil Rajguru
AAP’s internal survey says that Arvind Kejriwal is already Chief Minister of New Delhi, though he may resign again on February 10.
Key to opinion polls…
Overestimate BJP and Modi bashing begins after results.
Underestimate BJP and Modi bashing done before results.
Either way Modi haters win.
Mr Natwarlal was released in 1979 and had a good run.
Mr Kejriwal was released in 2013 and is still running in 2015.
Delhi Assembly elections spoilt for choice…
Vote for…
a) A weak Delhi BJP.
b) A non-existent Congress.
c) A joke called AAP.
d) An impotent NOTA button.
Changing one at a time…
2011: India Against Corruption.
2013: Politics Against Corruption.
2015: Politics For Corruption.
#AAPFundingScam
Old Lakhan…
Dus ko main dus lakh karke dikhaa du…
New Lakhan…
Paanch ko main paanch million karke dikhaa du…
Years back an aam aadmi saw Laloo, Mulayam, Maya, Mamata, BSY etc and said…
Even I can emulate them!
And emulate them he did.
#PaanchSaalNautanki
Guess who?
My words are not worth even 0.5 aana.
Beggar gave me 5 Rupees.
I lasted (almost) 50 days.
My party may last 500 days.
Every day I lose 5000 supporters.
Anna gave me 5 lakh followers.
Crooks gave me 50 lakh Rupees.
Kejri’s Believe It Or Not!
Someone who worked in the Indian Revenue Service and campaigned nationally against black money is pretending that he is clueless about black money reaching the accounts he manages.
Even the Congress comes with a 5-year guarantee card.
The AAP one is valid for 49 days.
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
![mahatma-289158_640](http://www.sunilrajguru.com/"wp-content/uploads"/2015/02/mahatma-289158_640.jpg)
Indira half as good as Nehru.
Rajiv half as good as Indira.
Sonia half as good as Rajiv.
Pappu half as good as Sonia.
(Where Nehru was bad to begin with!)
My great great grandfather became Congress President in 1919.
Mahatma Gandhi wanted Congress disbanded after 1947.
I am on track to meet that target by 2019.
—Pappu.
Saare Congress leaders ek taraf.
Pappu ek taraf.
Fir bhi Pappu bhaari hai.
#SoniaLogic
Nehru wanted sycophants.
Indira wanted sycophants.
Rajiv wanted sycophants.
Sonia wants sycophants.
Jayanthi Natarajan revelations…
Pappu wants sycophants.
P.S. I was sycophant but got tired of it.
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
Dhoni will say…
For the first match we rested Ishant, second onwards Rohit, third onwards Bhuvi and for the Final we decided to rest the entire squad.
#AusTriSeries
If you signed the file that cleared a wrongdoing, you are guilty.
It doesn’t matter who told you to do it.
#JayanthiNatarajan #ManmohanSingh
Complaints continue…
MMS: Puppet!
Modi: Puppeteer!
MMS: Takes no decisions!
Modi: Takes all decisions!
MMS: Soft!
Modi: Hard!
(January 30)
Like they had Congress then Congress (Indira), we should have Preamble and Preamble (Indira) to avoid confusion.
#SocialistSecularOmitted
Irony…
Obama talks of religious tolerance on the eve of visiting the most religiously intolerant country in the world and liberals instead see it as #BlowToModi.
(January 28)
Old…
Nothing to write home about.
New…
Nothing to write a status message about.
(January 27)
India’s first Prime Minister—Jawaharlal Nehru.
First President—Rajendra Prasad.
Both gave the Bharat Ratna to each other.
After that nonsense it really doesn’t matter who gets what award does it?
(January 24)
In Saudi Arabia, life begins at the age of 70…
79-year-old succeeds 90-year-old as King with a Crown “Prince” who’ll turn 70 this year.
Board of Cricket Chors of India.
#BCCI
Sharif cancels Davos visit due to Pakistan’s petrol shortage.
Matlab kya?
Davos jaane ka petrol hai.
Par lautne ka nahin hai kya?
(January 23)
Windies.
Yesterday…
Win (the home Team) dies (the opposition batting attack).
Today…
Win (the opposition) dies (the home bowling attack).
#SAVsWI
(January 21)
When McDonald’s opened in Noida in the 1990s, I remember getting down from the cycle rickshaw and the rickshaw-wallah asking me to see his rickshaw for a minute. He ran inside McDonald’s and came out with an ice cream softie. He smiled sheepishly and said “Bahut sasta hai!” It was some low offer price by the restaurant.
I guess India has come a long way since then!
#McDonaldsPuneIncident
18-Jan: De Villiers took 44 balls to make 149 runs.
20-Jan: India took 229 balls to make 149 runs.
#SAVsWI #IndvsEng
18-Jan: After 31 balls, de Villiers made 104 runs.
20-Jan: After 31 balls, India made 8 runs.
#SAVsWI #IndVsEng
What happened?
Test series…
Dhoni: The bowlers failed.
ODI series…
Dhoni: The batsman failed.
(January 20)
Half-life of ODI centuries…
1972: Amiss hits first century off 130 balls.
1988: Azhar hits fastest century off 62 balls. (Less than half of the above)
2015: De Villiers hits century off 31 balls, half of that.
(January 19)
Censor board says MSG banned as it depicts some things “which are not substantiated by logic”.
But by that yardstick you’d have to ban Bollywood itself no?
Kejriwal: The Delhi fight will be bipolar.
BJP: Is he referring to the actual fight or his own politics?
Goa Minister to Gays: I can cure you!
Gays to Minister: Please get well soon! The health of Goa depends on it.
(January 13)
Pakistan is ruled by…
Politicians.
Army.
Kashmiri Terrorists.
Indian fears.
Saudi Wahhabi ideology.
Tehrik-i-Taliban Pakistan.
America.
Nuclear delusions.
By now Sanjay Dutt doesn’t know whether he’s a free man who keeps getting jailed or a jailed man who keeps getting free.
(January 9)
PK gets 300 crores.
VK gets 600 runs.
Anushka Sharma ki to nikal padi.
(January 8)
Number of Sanjay Dutt movies released after his imprisonment in May 2013…
5—Policegiri, Zila Ghaziabad, Zanjeer, Ungli & PK.
Aamir Khan movies released in the same period…
2—Dhoom 3 & PK.
(January 7)
The worlds’ first person who climbed Mount Everest got just a Padma Bhushan, so I am returning my Bharat Ratna/Padma Vibhushan…
…said nobody ever.
In Tests…
1. Have only 80 overs in a day.
2. Take a break every 20 overs.
3. Give every bowler only 4 overs per session.
4. The Indian bowlers might actually start performing.
Australian batsman at the end of the day: Is it stumps?
Indian bowler: Yes we are always stumped. We never know what to do.
(January 6)
Ghajini creates Rs 100 Crore Club.
3 Idiots creates Rs 200 Crore Club.
Dhoom 3 creates Rs 250 Crore Club.
PK creating Rs 300 Crore Club.
#AamirKhan
Evolution of Indian TV channels…
Early 1990s: News.
Late 1990s: News and Views.
2000s: Views.
2010s: Views and Outrage.
Now: Just Outrage.
(January 2)
And the rain gods suddenly decide to wish Bengaluru a very happy new year.
(January 1)
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
Jayanthi Natarajan…
I admire Nehru.
I admire Nehru’s daughter.
I admire Nehru’s grandson.
I accept Nehru’s granddaughter-in-law.
Sonia…
Then why can’t you admire and accept Nehru’s great grandson?
Irony…
The granddaughter of a CM complains to the granddaughter-in-law of a PM about the great grandson of the same PM invoking the legacy of the daughter and grandson of the very same PM.
Ajay Maken: He tore up the ordinance!
Jayanthi Natarajan: He tore up my career!
Congress worker: Sigh! He tore up the party.
If you signed the file that cleared a wrongdoing, you are guilty.
It doesn’t matter who told you to do it.
#JayanthiNatarajan #ManmohanSingh
Past Congressi eras…
Mera Nehru Mahaan.
Meri Indira Mahaan.
Mera Rajiv Mahaan.
Current…
Meri Sonia Mahaan.
Coming soon…
Mera Pappu Mahaan.
Jayanthi Natarajan: Will India listen to my Press Conference?
Advisor: Well that depends on whether India will hit out in the slog overs or get out.
#IndVsEng #Perth
These versions by Sunil Rajguru