January 2015 Status Updates

Dhoni will say…
For the first match we rested Ishant, second onwards Rohit, third onwards Bhuvi and for the Final we decided to rest the entire squad.
‪#‎AusTriSeries‬

If you signed the file that cleared a wrongdoing, you are guilty.
It doesn’t matter who told you to do it.
#JayanthiNatarajan #ManmohanSingh

Complaints continue…
MMS: Puppet!
Modi: Puppeteer!
MMS: Takes no decisions!
Modi: Takes all decisions!
MMS: Soft!
Modi: Hard!

(January 30)

Like they had Congress then Congress (Indira), we should have Preamble and Preamble (Indira) to avoid confusion.
‪#‎SocialistSecularOmitted‬

Irony…
Obama talks of religious tolerance on the eve of visiting the most religiously intolerant country in the world and liberals instead see it as ‪#‎BlowToModi‬.

(January 28)

Old…
Nothing to write home about.
New…
Nothing to write a status message about.

(January 27)

India’s first Prime Minister—Jawaharlal Nehru.
First President—Rajendra Prasad.
Both gave the Bharat Ratna to each other.
After that nonsense it really doesn’t matter who gets what award does it?

(January 24)

In Saudi Arabia, life begins at the age of 70…
79-year-old succeeds 90-year-old as King with a Crown “Prince” who’ll turn 70 this year.

Board of Cricket Chors of India.
‪#‎BCCI‬

Sharif cancels Davos visit due to Pakistan’s petrol shortage.
Matlab kya?
Davos jaane ka petrol hai.
Par lautne ka nahin hai kya?

(January 23)

Windies.
Yesterday…
Win (the home Team) dies (the opposition batting attack).
Today…
Win (the opposition) dies (the home bowling attack).
‪#‎SAVsWI‬

(January 21)

When McDonald’s opened in Noida in the 1990s, I remember getting down from the cycle rickshaw and the rickshaw-wallah asking me to see his rickshaw for a minute. He ran inside McDonald’s and came out with an ice cream softie. He smiled sheepishly and said “Bahut sasta hai!” It was some low offer price by the restaurant.
I guess India has come a long way since then!
‪#‎McDonaldsPuneIncident‬

18-Jan: De Villiers took 44 balls to make 149 runs.
20-Jan: India took 229 balls to make 149 runs.
‪#‎SAVsWI‬ ‪#‎IndvsEng

18-Jan: After 31 balls, de Villiers made 104 runs.
20-Jan: After 31 balls, India made 8 runs.
‪#‎SAVsWI‬ ‪#‎IndVsEng‬

What happened?
Test series…
Dhoni: The bowlers failed.
ODI series…
Dhoni: The batsman failed.

(January 20)

Half-life of ODI centuries…
1972: Amiss hits first century off 130 balls.
1988: Azhar hits fastest century off 62 balls. (Less than half of the above)
2015: De Villiers hits century off 31 balls, half of that.

(January 19)

Censor board says MSG banned as it depicts some things “which are not substantiated by logic”.
But by that yardstick you’d have to ban Bollywood itself no?

Kejriwal: The Delhi fight will be bipolar.
BJP: Is he referring to the actual fight or his own politics?

Goa Minister to Gays: I can cure you!
Gays to Minister: Please get well soon! The health of Goa depends on it.

(January 13)

Pakistan is ruled by…
Politicians.
Army.
Kashmiri Terrorists.
Indian fears.
Saudi Wahhabi ideology.
Tehrik-i-Taliban Pakistan.
America.
Nuclear delusions.

By now Sanjay Dutt doesn’t know whether he’s a free man who keeps getting jailed or a jailed man who keeps getting free.

(January 9)

PK gets 300 crores.
VK gets 600 runs.
Anushka Sharma ki to nikal padi.

(January 8)

Number of Sanjay Dutt movies released after his imprisonment in May 2013…
5—Policegiri, Zila Ghaziabad, Zanjeer, Ungli & PK.
Aamir Khan movies released in the same period…
2—Dhoom 3 & PK.

(January 7)

The worlds’ first person who climbed Mount Everest got just a Padma Bhushan, so I am returning my Bharat Ratna/Padma Vibhushan…
…said nobody ever.

In Tests…
1. Have only 80 overs in a day.
2. Take a break every 20 overs.
3. Give every bowler only 4 overs per session.
4. The Indian bowlers might actually start performing.

Australian batsman at the end of the day: Is it stumps?
Indian bowler: Yes we are always stumped. We never know what to do.

(January 6)

Ghajini creates Rs 100 Crore Club.
3 Idiots creates Rs 200 Crore Club.
Dhoom 3 creates Rs 250 Crore Club.
PK creating Rs 300 Crore Club.
‪#‎AamirKhan‬

Evolution of Indian TV channels…
Early 1990s: News.
Late 1990s: News and Views.
2000s: Views.
2010s: Views and Outrage.
Now: Just Outrage.

(January 2)

And the rain gods suddenly decide to wish Bengaluru a very happy new year.

(January 1)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

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