If things go well…
Economy is booming and yet the poor are getting poorer.
If things are mixed…
Economy doing OK but Modi promised much much more.
If things are bad…
Economy doing disastrously, Modi should quit!

Similarly, headlines for every conceivable scenario…

Great monsoon saves beleaguered Modi.
Bad monsoon shows that even luck has deserted Modi.

Lack of dissent shows that Modi is a Fascist dictator.
With this high level of dissent, Modi should quit at once.

This big scam means Modi should quit politics.
This small scam is just the tip of the iceberg.
No scam shows that Modi has successfully suppressed all information coming out of government.

Diverse BJP leadership opinion shows that Modi has lost control.
BJP leadership speaking in one voice shows that they’re scared of Fascist dictator Modi.

Meek Pakistan/China is a ticking time bomb.
Belligerent Pakistan/China shows that Modi has failed spectacularly.

Number of high political arrests show that Modi is a Fascist dictator.
Number of low political arrests shows that Modi has failed to implement his authoritarian designs.

Multiple foreign visits show that Modi doesn’t care for domestic policy.
Lack of foreign visits shows that Modi doesn’t care for foreign policy.

His obsession with kurta shows he’ll never get out of his local mind set.
Hypocrite Modi decides to wear a suit.

Modi can’t even get bureaucrats to come on time.
So what if bureaucrats come on time? Nothing else has changed.

Obama doesn’t care for Modi.
Obama-Modi bonhomie is superficial.

Modi speaks too much.
Modi speaks only when he wants to.
Modi doesn’t speak.

With their bad tactics, Kejri/Pappu letting Modi off the hook.
With their good tactics, Kejri/Pappu will topple Modi.

If he wins in 2019 yet again…
Authoritarian Modi fools India once again and emerges undisputed Fascist dictator of India.

© Sunil Rajguru

How many people does it take to change a light bulb in Lalit Modi’s house?
Zero.
He won’t bother. He’ll just Tweet a 1000 statuses and think his job is done.

Morpheus: You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe and report whatever you want to report. You take the red pill and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes into the Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty Wonderland.
Rookie journalist: The blue pill please!

He has become one really sad “sack”.
‪#‎ArnabGate‬

Time to publish a really fat Encyclopaedia Lalitana with a list of all of Lalit Modi’s allegations, people implicated, leaked documents and mails.
‪#‎ArnabGate‬

The Lalit Modi story so far…
1 million Tweets.
1000 allegations.
100 alleged criminals.
Zero chargesheets.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Nehru invented freedom, liberty and human rights.
Indira eradicated poverty.
Rajiv invented computers, the Internet and the mobile.
Sonia eradicated the poverty created from 1989-2004.
Pappu will invent time travel, levitation and the hyperspace drive.

Nehru taught us to live.
Indira taught us to think.
Rajiv taught us to talk.
Sonia taught us to walk.
Pappu will teach us to fly.

Nehru took us to Civilization.
Indira took us to the Industrial Age.
Rajiv took us to the Computer Age.
Sonia took us to the Space Age.
Pappu will take us to the Multiverse Cosmic Age.

Nehru passed the flame to Indira.
Indira passed the flame to Rajiv.
Rajiv passed the flame to Sonia.
Till Sonia passes the flame to Pappu, India will remain in darkness.

© Sunil Rajguru

…after he became Prime Minister of India…

1. Denial: He can’t have been elected. Just 28% voted for him. That’s not fair! There’s been some mistake. This can’t be happening. Why have the voters been fooled like this?

2. Anger: He’s a dictator who will destroy India. There will be Emergency. He will turn India into a Fascist State! There will be no rights for anyone. Freedom of speech and expression won’t exist! Protest! Rant! Rage!

3. Bargaining: We will accept him if he does this, this, this, this and this and this and…this and this and…

4. Depression: The current status where all the Modi haters are trying to get out of their depression by doing crazy things. The delusional media is manufacturing outright lies, obsessed activists and so-called intellectuals are trying to trivialize his every move and a schizophrenic dichotomy is being created where in the real world he’s doing pretty well but in the virtual world he’s already a total disaster.

5. Acceptance: Will come only if Modi is re-elected in 2019—Till then it’s only depression and depression.

© Sunil Rajguru

Media logic…
Priyanka—0 achievements + 0 posts = 100% respect.
But Modi—Spectacular self-made rise from chaiwallah to PM = 0% respect.
If Vadra is corrupt, then it is totally unrelated to Priyanka.
But when it comes to Modi, he’s even responsible for all anonymous Twitter trolls.

The devaluation of the allegations…
2002—Modi is guilty of Godhra riots!
2004—Modi is guilty of a fake encounter!
2013—Modi is guilty of snooping!
2014—Modi is guilty of wearing expensive clothes!
2015—Modi is guilty of popularizing selfies!

Sushma/Vasundhara helped me—Lalit Modi.
= Sparta! 20 day non-stop screaming shouting witch hunt.
Sonia family asked me for $60 million bribe—Lalit Modi.
= 20 minute of shivering with fear followed by infinite silence.
‪#‎ArnabGate‬

They would tell you…
Those who virulently abuse Modi are neutral.
Those who mildly criticize the First Family are biased, agenda-driven and should shut up.

For every 1000 Congress scams, media will shout at Sonia zero times.
For every 0.0001 BJP scams, media will shout at Modi a million times.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

According to the Oxford dictionary the following is not Hinglish but 100% perfect English…
Arre yaar, let’s have our favourite papad, chicken curry followed by a chotta peg at the dhaba.
Pukka!
By the way your wife’s churidar avatar looked great at the bhelpuri party.

(June 26)

Maybe…
BCCI official 1: With the way India is playing, they’ll lose to Zimbabwe too!
Official 2: OK! Let’s call off the tour!

(June 22)

Hum bhi kucch kam nahin…
Attacking batsman + part-time bowler + acting captain + stand-in wicketkeeper.
‪#‎ViratKohli‬ ‪#‎IndVsBan‬

Incredible India…
While the poor starve, millions of tonnes of grain rot at godowns.
While middle class craves Maggi noodles—tonnes of it is destroyed in cement kilns.

(June 18)

In terms if population…
7800 Guams = 1 India.
1 Guam football team > 1 India football team.

Reporter: Do you have a law and order problem in UP?
Akhilesh: No problem! Mulayam ka law hai aur Azam ka order. Dono first class chal rahe hai!

News: Taj Mahal to have WiFi.
Analysis: Taj Selfies will travel with greater speed and flood the Internet.

No-one takes Page 3 journalism seriously.
(Since Page 1 & 2 are ads, the Front Page is the new Page 3.)

(June 16)

Ali Fazal became the first Indian to be part of the Hollywood $1 billion club.
‪#‎Furious7‬
Irrfan Khan will be the second.
‪#‎JurassicWorld‬

(June 15)

Fall of Nitish Kumar…
1975-77: Fighting dictatorship.
2013: Fighting for PMship.
2014: Fighting for CMship.
2015: Fighting for fruit tree ownership.
‪#‎Manjhi‬

(June 4)

© Sunil Rajguru