Category Archives: Short Takes

#AgustaWestlandScam musings…

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Good ole days.
It feels as if the Congress is still in power at the Centre and doing scams upon scams.
‪#‎AgustaWestland‬

Congratulations!
The Congress now has more “major scams” than MPs in the Lok Sabha.
(Minor scams probably more than its MLAs all across India!)

The Peter Principle is total nonsense.
Sonia rose at least 100 levels above her competency levels.

Congress also has an Odd-Even scheme.
On Odd days, it scams.
On Even days, it scams.

No coincidence that the most highlighted phrase of ‪#‎Choppergate‬ is Sonia’s “I am not afraid of anyone!”
People still scared.

#‎Dynasty‬
‪#‎FormerPM‬
‪#‎Congress‬
‪#‎Defence‬
‪#‎Media‬
‪#‎Middlemen‬
‪#‎Foreigners‬
‪#‎Bureaucrats‬
‪#‎AgustaWestland‬ is indeed the mother of all scams.

Clutching at straws…
2014…
We are at rock bottom. The only way is up.
2016…
We are at one level below rock bottom. The only way is up.
‪#‎Congress‬

Congress in power defends Congress scams.
Congress in opposition goes on offensive over Congress scams.
Media will always blast BJP.

Lalu may be convicted.
Sonia may be chargesheeted.
MMS may sign papers leading to scams.
But only allegations against Modi have to be outraged 24X7.

2015—Parliament disrupted over ____
2016—Parliament disrupted over ____
2017—Parliament disrupted over ____
Fill in the blanks with anything you want.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

April 2016 Status Updates

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Top 3 films by Box Office in 2016 so far…
3rd: SRK film.
2nd: Akshay film.
1st: Chaddi pahan ke phool khila hai…

(April 24)

Domestically a superstar just needs half his film’s cost from domestic Box Office.
Rest will come from global BO, TV, music, promotional etc rights for a tidy profit.

(April 22)

Pakistan…
1947-58: Democracy.
1958-71: Dictatorship.
1971-78: Democracy.
1978-88: Dictatorship.
1988-99: Democracy.
1999-2008: Dictatorship.
2008-__: Democracy.
Coup inevitable before 2020?

(April 21)

Film reviews of Bollywood superstars…
Great/very good/good/average = 5 stars.
Below average/bad/pathetic = 4 stars.
All time disaster = 3 stars.

(April 20)

Raina means night.
That’s why he performs well in Day-Night matches and especially IPL.
That’s why he was a flop in Tests, which is played only in the day.

(April 10)

Kanhaiya must be commended for coming out with a huge “Bharat Mata Ki Jai” revolution all across India.

(April 8)

Pakistan in 2016 says peace process with India is now suspended.
Incorrect.
It suspended the peace process in 1947 itself immediately after being born.

J&K Dy CM to NIT students…
In order to check whether your security is adequate or not, I cannot come because my security is not adequate.

A movie on the political situation of Bihar would be called Jungle (Raj) Book and it would get an A certification.

(April 7)

Then…
They don’t need bread. Let them go eat cake!
Now…
They don’t need fan. Let them go have AC!
‪#‎RakhiSawant‬

(April 5)

Militarily, Pakistan was the most powerful Muslim nation in the world.
It severely weakened itself by attacking India non-stop for no valid reason.

(April 2)

The vicious American War Cycle…
Democrats create conditions for war.
Republicans go to war.

2012 US Prez polls: Candidate with most Twitter followers won.
2014 India PM polls: Candidate with most Twitter followers won.
2015 UK PM polls: Candidate with most Twitter followers won.
2016 US Prez polls: Trump has the most Twitter followers.

(April 1)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

March 2016 Status Updates

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Strange…
The foreign media appears more shocked over the protests against the terror attacks rather than the attacks themselves.
‪#‎Brussels‬

(March 28)

Yesterday…
This is life. We are all just passing time here.
Today…
This is the Internet. We are all just passing time here.

(March 27)

You don’t need a Home Page any more.
A website can post just links of its articles via social media and still go viral and get a zillion hits.

(March 26)

No one ever really dies on X-Files.
Afridi never really retires.

If Tintin was a real person, he would go after all the terrorists and catch them one by one.
He wouldn’t be crying like that cartoon which went viral.
‪#‎Brussels‬

(March 25)

Pakistan’s golden age with cricket against India started with Miandad’s last ball 6 in Sharjah in 1986 and ended with the 1992 World Cup loss at Sydney.

(March 20)

English schoolkids wore ties.
Indians copied them.
Most English schoolkids stopped wearing ties.
Indian schoolkids still wear them.
(Despite India being much hotter than UK!)

Madame Tussauds made a statue of Manmohan Singh but it was immediately transferred to another Madam who used it to run the nation for 10 years.

(March 19)

The Left may kill a million and at the same time scream from the rooftops over an alleged unproven act of violence by their opponents.
‪#‎LeftistTerror‬

Ministers make editorial changes in their documents.
Editors make political changes in their reports.
‪#‎Ishrat‬

We are exercising our FoE¹.
—Kanhaiya and students.
We are also exercising our FoE².
—JNU authorities.
¹=Freedom of Expression.
²=Freedom of Expulsion.

(March 15)

They should just rename the Newshour to APL or Arnab Premier League.
Arnab wins every time.
Other 10 participants to battle for Runners Up trophy.

(March 12)

Maal-laaya.
Maal-liya.
Maal-le gaya.

RJ: Rich Joke
MCJ: Middle Class Joke
PJ: Poor Joke
RPJ: Really Poor Joke
BPLJ: Below Poverty Line Joke
DCJ: Destitute Class Joke

The exact yoctosecond you were born, you held the world record for being the youngest human being on Earth.

(March 10)

SWAK = Sealed With A Kiss.
SWAS = Sealed With A Six.
‪#‎Dhoni‬ ‪#‎AsiaCup‬ ‪#‎6KaBadshaah‬

(March 7)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Virat “King Kohli” musings…

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cricket-players-2027502_640Foreign intellectuals will soon start an ‪#‎AwardWapsiCampaign‬ to protest Kohli’s Rising Intolerance against all bowlers in all formats.

When it comes to Kohli, MC-BC now stands for…
Master Chaser-Boss of the Chase.

Kohli ko chase main harana mushkil hi nahin, namumkin hai.
Iska hal gaayra mulko ki coaching departments khoj kar rahi hai.
‪#‎DonKohli‬

Q: What do you think of ‪#‎GharWapsi‬?
Kohli: Yes I love it. First we sent the Pakistanis home and then the Aussies. I want to do the same with the Windies.

Phone call: Can I speak to xyz Indian batsman?
Answer: Woh abhi batting pe gaye hai. Noodles chadha do. Boil ho jaayenge, tab tak wapis aa jaayenge.
Phone call: Can I speak to Kohli?
Answer: Woh abhi batting karne gaye hai. Kucch ghante baad jab India ki jeet ke phatake phootenge, matlab woh free ho gaye. Tab call karna.

Kohli to Australia…
Aisa hai bhai, aap logon ne ODI World Cups kuch had se jyaada hi jeete hai. Ab hum tumhe T20 World Cups nahin jeetne denge.

Rohit: Poori innings ya to main kheloonga ya tu.
Kohli: Chal hat. Is maamle main, main thoda selfish hu.

Australia in first 4 overs = 53 runs.
India in last 4.1 overs = 59 runs.
Tu great starter, to main greater finisher.
—Sri Sri Kohli Baba.

And Dhoni too…

Ashes to ashes,
And dust to dust,
If Kohli don’t get you,
Dhoni must.

Umpire: Line belongs to me.
Dhoni: Last over belongs to me.
Kohli: BC. MC. Poora inning mera.

Indian batting…
Body: Kohli.
Tail: Dhoni.
Yaane ki Indian batting ki umar hai itni sanam,
Kohli se shuru aur Dhoni se khatam.

Brangelina se dumdaar jodi hai Dhonikohli.

Smith wins the toss, elects to bat. Dhoni, you disappointed.
Dhoni: Thanks Steve! Kohli will anchor the chase and I’ll hit the winning shot.

Steve Waugh could do mental disintegration over a period of five days.
MS Dhoni can do that in one ball.

Chase main koi double century bhi maarega phir bhi winning shot main hi maarunga.
—Sri Sri Dhoni Baba.

Lethal jodi…
Kohli takes single and Dhoni comes on strike.
Bowler apna sar patakta hai.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Sinking Congressi musings…

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1977-80.
1989-91.
1996-2004.
Congress money tanks were always flush when in Opposition.
For the first time taps in danger of running dry.

Congress: How could you dismiss Uttarakhand Government? This is murder of democracy!
Modi: Abhi to party shuru hui hai!
Ye toh bas shuruwaat hai.
Baad main na kahana kuch bhi.
Pahale hi de doon warning!

Shashi Tharoor…
Would be United Nations Secretary General.
To Minister of State.
To Kanhaiya’s spokesperson.
What a fall!

Go figure…
Student joins campus in non-BJP State.
Joins Communist politics, quits in frustration.
Commits suicide when Modi is PM.
Verdict: Modi’s fault!

Forget the Congress, President’s Rule has been implemented around 75 times just when the Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty was incharge.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

#AdarshLiberals musings…

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What #AdarshLiberals want…
New post of undisputed Monarch: Sonia.
President: Kejri.
Prime Minister: Pappu.
Home Minister: Lalu.
Foreign Minister: Mamata.
Education Minister: Kanhaiya.
Information & Broadcasting Minister: Diggy Raja.

Very high water guzzlers…
Meat industry.
Washing machines.
Western flushes.
Highest water guzzler for ‪#‎AdarshLiberals‬ who consume all three…
Holi!

JNU sedition rally and Hyderabad student violence is not shocking.
Shocking is how all this has been raging on unchecked for decades now.

It costs a lot of money to keep the Modi Hate Industry alive.
By keeping quiet and ignoring them, he’s bleeding them financially.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru