A question of answers…

Quizmaster: Who was the first PM of India?
Musharraf: I don’t care!
Quizmaster: When did Partition take place?
Musharraf: In 1971, when those Kashmir Colonizers split our great country into two.
Quizmaster: Who is the President of Pakistan?
Musharraf: Well technically it’s still me, since I was illegally removed.
Quizmaster: Who was the Father of the Nation of Pakistan?
Musharraf: “Is”. You are looking at him right now.
Quizmaster: I pass…

Quizmaster: Who is the CM of Bihar?
Laloo: Does it matter?
Quizmaster: Who is the PM of India?
Laloo: Does it matter?
Quizmaster: Who is the President of the Congress party?
Laloo: Does it matter?
Quizmaster: Who is the Railway Minister of India?
Bam! The quizmaster is on the floor rolling in pain.
Laloo: Zakhm deta raha, hum chup baitha, par uske upar namak lagata hain, ye hum nahin bardasht karega!

Quizmaster: How many centuries did Tendulkar…
Kambli: No!
Quizmaster: Tendulkar scored…
Kambli: No!
Quizmaster: Tendulkar…
Kambli: No!
Quizmaster: Ten…
Kambli: I quit!
(Storms out)
Quizmaster: But I was just asking: Ten wicket hauls in Tests were taken by Anil Kumble and which other player!

Questioner: Who is the Prime Minister of India?
Advani: Pass.
Questioner: What is the one reason why BJP lost the last general election?
Advani: Pass.
Questioner: Who will succeed you in the party?
Advani: Pass.
Questioner: What is the future agenda of the BJP?
Advani: Pass.
Moral of the story: Advani is a great team player. If politics was like a game of football, then Advani would always pass the ball to his teammates.

Questioner: Who were the Congress leaders who led the 1984 riots?
Sonia: They didn’t exist.
Questioner: Who were the main players in the Bofors scam?
Sonia: It didn’t exist.
Questioner: How would you rate Vajpayee as a Prime Minister?
Sonia: He never existed.
Questioner: What do you think of Advani?
Sonia: Who’s he?
Moral of the story: In Politics only the Present is relevant. The past and future don’t exist.

© Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 1…

First official: Who’s next?
Second official: Some professor of Anna University in Chennai called Abdul on his way to New York.
First official: OK, check him thoroughly.

***

First voice: Main kal ek reality show pe ja raha hu, thoda kadki hain bhai!
Second voice: To ja na, aish kar.
First voice: Nahin yaar, programme main sach bolna padta hain. Ho sakta hain ki tumhare khilaaf kuch bol du.
Second voice: Jo bolna hain bol, itne saalo ke baad kya pharak padta hain? Waise bhi maine newspapers aur news channels wagere dekhna padna kab ka chod diya hain.
First voice: Cool

After a few days…
First voice: Yaar maine bola ki mujhe lagta tha ki tu meri aur madad kar sakta tha.
Second voice: Yaar maine poori koshish ki tumhe mere saath rakhne ki, shayad aur koshish karni thi.
First voice: Chal chod, kal pakka mil rahe hain na?
Second voice: Ha yaar, see you then.

After a few more days…
Sachin-Kambli friendship on the rocks!
Kambli blasts Sachin in reality show!!
Ye dosti… toot gayi!!!
How will Sachin react when he finally comes to know of the great betrayal???
………………………

***

Day 1
Guilty?
Nahin! No!
….
Day 12
Guilty?
Nahin!
….
Day 73
Guilty?
Nahin!
….
Day 143
Guilty?
Nahin!

Day 229
Guilty?
Nahin!
Day 230
Guilty?
Ha bhai hain! Main guilty hu! Kya karloge? Bahut ho gaya! Bas ye sawal band karo.

***

International concall
First head of state: Yes!
Second head of state: No!
First head of state: Yes!
Second head of state: No!
First head of state: Yes!
Second head of state: No!
First head of state: Yes!
Second head of state: No!
First head of state: Yes!
Second head of state: No!
First head of state: Yes!
Second head of state: No!
Senior official: Enough children! (Addressing the first) You’ll get your nuclear reactors (Addressing the second) You’ll get your millions.
First head of state: But I’m in a weak coalition government, anything could happen.
Senior official: I read the papers you know, I know you’ve a virtual 5-year-fixed term.
Second head of state: But I’m facing a coup.
Senior official: If you don’t comply, then we’ll organize one.
Interpreter: Kuch to Sharm karo
Senior official: Ah yes! Sharm el-Sheikh…
Interpreter: …is also called the The City of Peace Madam!
Senior official: Then it’s settled!
First head of state: Yes Madam!
Second head of state: Yes Madam!
Interpreter: Yes Madam!

***

© Sunil Rajguru

Why Kalam’s frisking concerns us all…

It could be you or me at a security check tomorrow. If this is how an ex-President is treated, what of us mere mortals? That’s how it concerns me apart from the fact that a fine human being was harassed. America might be arrogant and inconsiderate at many security checks, but at least they stand up for every American in every part of the world, unlike us, who couldn’t be bothered. Whether Kalam protested or not is irrelevant.

What if they tried it with ex-President Bill Clinton in India? His team would have probably pushed the officials aside and Bill would have stormed ahead. Get real. Is Kalam a suspected terrorist or smuggler? What a ludicrous idea!!! Then what were they checking for when they asked him to remove his shoes???

What is a check for? To prevent arms from going on board or to prevent smuggled goods going on a plane or to prevent a crime. Remember some years back Azim Premji was also subjected to a through check in the US. And he’s a billionaire and head of a top company.

I think the thorough check on Abdul Kalam is a slander on the entire nation…

How India went from Dictatorship to Democracy

I have this viewpoint that when we got Independence, we were actually a Benevolent Socialist Dictatorship and over the years we have graduated to a flourishing democracy. Why do I say that? Look at the scenario from 1947 onwards. Did we have any choice but to support the Congress? Sounds a bit like the Communist Party of Russia/China to me. Did we have any choice but to support Nehru till death? Sounds a bit like Lenin and Stalin to me. Could you become a politician? A big no. (Even today most of politics is reserved for Muscle,  Money and Dynasty) If an average citizen wanted to be an entrepreneur, could he? A bigger no. When the whole world had colour TVs, could you buy them? Think imported. Think big bucks. Think TV license. And what about those years of waits for gas connections and scooters? That doesn’t sound like a healthy democracy to me.

Everything begins with choice—Morpheus, The Matrix Reloaded

While democracy has dozens of elements, to me one of the biggest components is Choice. The power to choose your leader, party, life, job… And choice is something most Indian citizens didn’t have many decades ago. However all that has changed drastically. Today we are spoiled for choices in every sphere of life.

It’s been a slow and steady journey and I’m listing below the key events that shaped our journey from Dictatorship to Democracy:

The Death of Nehru, 1964

For 17 years we had no choice but to follow Nehru’s fancies, Nehru’s vision and Nehrunomics. He was seen as foreign policy genius. But the unresolved seeds of the Kashmir dispute were planted during his tenure, the fruits of which we are still eating today. We limped through the China war and his brainchild NAM is dead and forgotten. So much for being a world statesman. But I probably have more grouses with his brand of economics, which got us nowhere and kept the country in poverty for decades. While in the West the poor have clothes and makeshift homes and are short of food, in India they don’t even have clothes and shelter, and are starving to death. Mahatma Gandhi was spot on when he called for the disbanding the Congress party after Independence. That would have given us a wider choice in life from 1947 itself.

Indira Challenged, 1966

While most people think Indira Gandhi was dictatorial and ruled her party with an iron fist, the truth is that she was challenged from the beginning of her reign to the end. She faced a revolt in 1966, the Congress split in 1969 and she had to take the help of the Communists and Socialists after that. Despite the victory in the 1971 war and the subsequent landslide, she faced a nationwide revolt and had to enforce Emergency. Even then, Sanjay Gandhi was the real power behind the throne. She also had to sit in the opposition from 1977-80. Post-Nehru, no PM could take the party or people for granted. A lesson Rajiv learnt very bitterly when his party’s seat share was halved in Parliament in 1989.

A State Bastion Falls, 1967

DMK stormed to power in 1967 and the states slowly started finding their voices after that. One reason why this was a landmark was that more than 40 years later, we are yet to see a Congress Chief Minister in Tamil Nadu. In fact, the second choice turned out to be AIADMK. After that, we had the CPM in West Bengal in 1977, TDP in 1982… Federalization was complete when Uttar Pradesh fell in 1989. At the regional level atleast, for better or worse, the voters are spoiled for choice.

Change at the Centre, 1977

In 1977, India became a two-party system. Well almost. The only difference was that the second party was Janata Party in 1977, Janata Dal in 1989 and BJP in 1998.

The Public Interest Litigation and Judicial Activism, Eighties onwards

While politicians all over the country started asserting themselves, it was now the turn of the judges. The concept of PILs was unheard of till the Emergency and it picked up steam after that. Sometimes a letter or a telegram has been enough to initiate court action. A Gujarati advocate was felicitated recently for filing as many as 200 PILs, many of which yielded concrete results. The high point was probably in 1996 when courts effectively prevented Prime Minister Narasimha Rao from interfering too much with the CBI in the St Kitt’s Forgery Case.

The Rise of the Bureaucrat, 1990

Till 1990, the Chief Election Commissioner was a mere statistic. By the time TN Seshan left office in 1996, it was a powerful body that made politicians quiver. Seshan took on the high and mighty, forged ahead with electoral reforms and proposed something as basic as a voter-ID card, which has almost become a must today.
Probably taking cue from Seshan, GR Khairnar, Deputy Commissioner of the Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation, took on then Chief Minister Sharad Pawar during the same period. An important lesson was that any minister or bureaucrat could shake up the process and bring about a change if he or she really wanted to.

The Second Independence, 1991

While all the above examples gave power to people outside the Prime Minister’s office and the Congress Party, liberalization firmly put power into the hands of the people. This was probably the biggest economic event post-1947 and I would go so far as to call it our Second Independence. Finally the average Indian citizen was free to choose what he or she wanted. Fridges and TVs became common even in the lowest strata of society. Professions opened up beyond the regular medicine and engineering. One could become an entrepreneur if he or she wanted to. Wonder what would have happened had we liberalized in 1947 itself and had not gone on the path of socialism leaning towards communism.

Coalitions (and non-Congress ones to boot) Can Last, 1998-2004

While you can be cynical of coalitions and call them weak and ineffective, the other side of the coin is that they spell co-operation and a distribution of power at all levels. While the Congress has been a perennial choice, no one could have thought that coalitions like the NDA and UPA would actually last. Even today the BJP isn’t marginalized. 120 seats are enough of a platform to bounce back and give the voters another chance and choice. One mustn’t forget that Congress had even lesser seats in 1999. And look where they are today.

Relevance of the President’s Post, 2002

While we’ve had able presidents like Rajendra Prasad, philosophers like S Radhakrishnan and others like Zail Singh (who almost set in motion events to put a Prime Minister out of office), there has been none like Abdul Kalam. An energetic non-politician professional who inspired thousands of school children all over the country. Today all sorts of people are running the nation and anyone can become a hero from any field.

It’s Crowded at the Top, 2009

2009 was the year of Manmohan Singh the government head, Sonia the power behind the throne and Rahul the organizer. Rarely have so many run the Congress party together. Indira became a minister after Nehru died. Rajiv took over the reigns fully only after Indira was assassinated. Narasimha Rao worked free of the dynasty. But this is probably the first time when a troika is building the party together. The more the merrier.

We’ve come a long way from One Leader, One Party, One Life, One Choice… I believe that an Indian citizen who steps out in 2009 has a greater political and personal choice; greater choice of career; greater choice to pick his city of residence; greater choice to pick up various services… and that’s true democracy.

Now all these changes may not be necessarily be good, but atleast we only have ourselves to blame if things go wrong.

© Sunil Rajguru

We don’t need no Obama

An old thought. When Obama became President of America, I was astounded by calls of a similar Obama for India, some even referring to Mayawati being that Obama. Yikes! Get real! Which world are you living in? India has done this, done that, long before America despite the fact that it’s more than 150 years older than us as an Independent nation and much more mature. We don’t need an Obama (in terms of the minority issue) though we may need one in on the issues front.

First things first. Why a Dalit PM? Why not a Muslim PM? A Christian PM? A Sikh PM? Or a PM from the North-East? Well the answer is that all of them should happen in time, but then it takes time. As long as people from minority groups—any minority group—keep making it big in public life, it’s enough. That’s why 2002 was a watershed year. We had a Muslim President, a Hindu Prime Minister and a Christian head of the Congress party. Then in 2004, we had a Sikh PM. So we are definitely on the right track.

Difference in perception in Obama’s and Rajiv’s parentage

Another quick question. Is Obama African American or is he White? If most point to the former, then what about his mother, who’s a white? Why this discrimination? Aren’t parents equal, which would make it 50:50. And what if you applied the same yardstick to Rajiv Gandhi? Wouldn’t that make him a Parsi, as his father was a Parsi? Then we had a minority PM in 1984 itself! The truth is that Obama looks like an African American and Rajiv is known as Indira’s son, so that has led to this perception. That’s the point I am making: It is nothing but a perception. In this world, I represent my mother as much as my father and I think the same applies to both Obama and Rajiv, no matter what the world thinks.

Equality in All walks of life

If you look at India then atleast someone from the minority community has been President, Prime Minister, Chief Minister, Bollywood superstar, cricket team captain, Army chief… We even had a woman head of state just 20 years after our Independence while America, after centuries, is still waiting to do so.
Another tidbit. When America completed 200 years, the President and his team and all the Governors were white males. Think over it. White males took up 100% of the top posts. And look at India just 60 years after Independence. Apart from the above mentioned examples, even the most populous state in India, Uttar Pradesh, is ruled by a Dalit woman. What more can one ask for?

Rahul Gandhi and the Future

The best bet for the future is Rahul Gandhi as Prime Minister. If you look at his lineage, then at least one of his great grandfathers is a Hindu, a Christian and a Parsi. He is the perfect melting pot.
But what would you call him once he became PM, as his most common association is with his mother Sonia, who happens to be a Christian?

© Sunil Rajguru

12 differences between Western and Indian politicians…

Western: Change their needs to suit the party
Indian: Change their party (or alliance) to suit their needs

Western: Know the power of Development and go ahead with it
Indian: Pray that Development is just a passing fad

Western: Believe in politics of issues (before the people)
Indian: Believe in politics of issues (their children)

Western: Portfolios taken by subject matter experts. Professionals reach the pinnacle of their career with the portfolio.
Indian: Indian Roulette. The portfolio depends on who’s in line, tired of traveling, which ally has to be pacified in which way—subject matter expertise be damned!

Western: Film stars actively participate and endorse their choice of politicians
Indian: Film stars become politicians in large numbers (and promptly spend more time in front of the camera than in Parliament). In the South, you get to be Chief Minister.

Western: Number of politicians increase in Arithmetic Progression
Indian: Number of parties increase in Geometric Progression

Western: Know that they are below the law and try to circumvent it
Indian: Are the law

Western: Embarrassments and scandalmongers are kicked out or eased out
Indian: Embarrassments and scandalmongers are given plum ceremonial posts

Western: Dress to the occasion
Indian: Dress desi, think swadesi

Western: Forget past leaders, but practice their doctrines
Indian: Worship past leaders and damn their dreams

Western: Plan for the future
Indian: Live in India’s glorious and ancient past. What future?

Western: Try to capture the mind of the voters
Indian: Try to capture the booths of the constituencies

© Sunil Rajguru