How to make a lot out of nothing, Mumbai style…

2008. IPL formed and to invite international stars including those from Pakistan.
Great.
2008. IPL1 features players from Pakistan.
Great.
2009. IPL2 allows players from Pakistan to play but they withdraw due to tensions.
Great.
2010. IPL3 allows auction of Pakistan players but no-one bids for them.
Great.
2010. SRK feels Pakistan players should have played in IPL3.
What? Pakistan players should play in IPL? Sacrilege! Traitor! Nonsense! Humbug!
Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

1960s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1970s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1980s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1990s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
2000-07: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
2008: What? The Amitabh who acts in Bollywood movies is actually from UP and lives in Mumbai.
Sacrilege! Traitor! Nonsense! Humbug!
Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

1950s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1960s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1970s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1980s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1990s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
2000-07: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
2008: What? So many taxi drivers are in Mumbai are from Bihar and robbing the profession of the locals?
Nonsense! Humbug! Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

Mumbai is really a city of dreams. If you’re a politician, then you can sit in your office and dream up of “any nothing” and make it happen.

© Sunil Rajguru

It’s all about temperature…

In India, Global Warming has suddenly become very hot…
but Indo-Pak relations have gone cold

We are warming up nicely towards America…
and have developed cold feet towards China

Leaders like Pranab are blowing their cool…
while others like Laloo are cooling their heels

People are becoming hot and bothered over Telangana…
but nothing will happen; it will cool off in a matter of time

And of course, this is India…
We reserve the right to blow hot or cold over any of these issues at any given time

© Sunil Rajguru

Ji Huzoor…

Centre: Hum weak ho rahe hain!
Advisor: To phir regions ko aur bhi weak kardo!
Centre: Us-se kya hoga?
Advisor: Aap bahut strong ho jaoge.
Centre: Kya bakwas kar rahe ho! Regions weak ho jaayenge to hum bhi weak ho jayenge.
Advisor: Einstein ka naam nahin suna?
Centre: Kis kambhakt puraane British politician ka naam le rahe ho?
Advisor: Woh… chodo… Relativity kahata hain ki agar doosre weak hote jaate hain to aap relatively strong hote jaate hain…
Centre: Einstein ko maaro goli, ye Relativity bhai sahab bahut acche lagte hain.
Advisor: To amal kiya jaaye… regions ko chote chote tukdo main baat do.
Centre: Todo, todo, regions ko todo… as a first step… us ka Fast todo.
Advisor: Ji huzoor.

(Moral of the story: In 1947 there were 17 provinces in India. In 1975 there were 21 states. Today there are 28. Tomorrow there will be 35. First thoda resistance and finally our kids will mug up the new names quietly for their GK test and we’ll happily help them.)

***

Hamare batsman acche hain, Rules se bowlers ki jaan lelo
Ji huzoor…
Ye
Chucker ka chakkar chodo
Ji huzoor…
Woh
Pak nahin khelega..
Ji huzoor…
Hame
T20 nahin khelna hain…
Ji huzoor…
Chalo
T20 khel hi lete, domestic bhi
Ji huzoor…
Acha chalo do aur
Test hi khelte hain…
Ji huzoor…

(Moral of the story: Who cares about the ICC Test/ODI/T20 rankings when India has been the undisputed No. 1 in the Unofficial Cricket Power Rankings for ages now and continue to do so)

© Sunil Rajguru

The strange case of the Ayodhya report…

The recent Ayodhya report…

…slammed all the BJP leaders and cleared former Prime Minister Narasimha Rao, apparently helping the Congress.

…got leaked inconveniently, apparently helping the BJP rally together and their leader LK Advani looks to be back in business.

…put former Chief Minister Kalyan Singh in the dock, apparently helping detractors of the Samajwadi Party.

…made some strange references to Mughal and Muslim rule, apparently offending the minorities and amusing the RSS.

Isn’t that so typically Indian? Every report and committee in India apparently seems to be doing a lot of things and effectively does nothing at all.

Like today is the anniversary of 26/11. Apparently a lot of things were done. Former Home Minister Shivraj Patil had to go. Vilasrao Deshmukh is no longer the Chief Minister. Kasab was caught and gave tons of vital information. We made a lot of noises against Pakistan. A lot of CCTV cameras were set up.
But effectively, we all know that we are just as vulnerable a year down the line.

Apparently we are on our way to becoming a great nation, but effectively, I don’t know…

© Sunil Rajguru

People who became words…

Koda: A unit measuring Indian currency. Rs 10,000 crores to be precise, the range of wealth the person in question was alleged to have.
Indian counting starts with 1000 and goes in multiples of 100.
100 X 1,000 = Lakh
100 X Lakh = Crore
100 X Crore = Arawb
100 X Arawb = Koda
Usage: Earlier politicians used to deal in lakhs and crores, now it’s just arawbs and kodas!
Also can denote a huge unknown amount of money.
Usage: I don’t think any amount of funds can save that project, they’ll require kodas and kodas to just get it going.

Aussie: Something nearly invincible and tough to beat.
Usage: I’ve been trying to get the better of him in the office without success, he’s turning out to be a real Aussie!

To do an Obama: To give an inspiring speech full of hope, which may or may not be backed by action.
Usage: We’re out of funds and the chips are down. I think I’ll have to do an Obama to cheer up staff and boost morale.

Maya: The illusion that one’s name and form has to be propagated in as many ways as possible. In the extreme case you go on a self-statue building spree.
Usage: My boss is under some serious Maya. He called a fashion photographer to shoot his pix for all the company brochures and websites.

To do an Advani: To go on and carry on way beyond your retirement date.
Usage: I thought I would be promoted, but my superior has just done an Advani and got a two-year extension.

Laloofied: To suddenly become irrelevant after years of being in the essential scheme of things.
Usage: Man! Thanks to that serious goof-up in the office I’ve just been Laloofied!

© Sunil Rajguru

4 reasons why this austerity drive should stop…

The Global Slowdown has been on for what seems like forever (in fact, the economy may even be on an upward swing now) but suddenly India is seeing a political austerity drive. The high and mighty will no longer stay in five star hotels. They will travel by economy class in air and also use trains. While some have welcomed it, I don’t support it at all. Here are my four reasons for doing so…

Whither Security?

Stop being partisan or cynical for a minute: I would want my Prime Minister and the top people who run this country to be safe. While the number of all-out wars may be going down in the world the number of relatively small-scale attacks is on the rise. When a VVIP goes by a private or Air Force jet, it is very difficult for someone to infiltrate. Not so with economy class. Any troublemaker could come as a passenger.
And if the VVIP is at risk, isn’t so the public travelling along?
Future Prime Minister potential Rahul Gandhi’s train got attacked the very first time he went austere. I don’t see this as a long-term solution.

Grave Public Inconvenience

VVIPs and the Common Man live in two different worlds. And rightly so! I remember from my college days, whenever the Prime Minister would visit Bangalore, traffic jams would see some people being stuck for 4-6 hours! Let them all travel in luxury helicopters all the time. Both worlds would be happy. Imagine if you were sitting in an Air India plane where the top five rows were reserved for security and a VVIP entourage:

1. Movement would be restricted.
2. All the airhostesses and stewards would be busy with the “front-seaters” and you might be left high and dry.
3. If the back loo was out of order, then you might not be able to use the front loo for security reasons!

They are entitled to it man!

The bigger the company: The bigger the perks. The bigger the rank: The greater the luxury. It’s as simple as that. It applies to every company and most governments in the world. India’s GDP stands at more than a trillion dollars!
That’s more than $1,000,000,000,000.
When the top executives of billion dollar companies travel in fancy cars and business class, what’s wrong with high-profile politicians doing the same? Whether you like it or not, they are the country’s custodians.

Whither Real Issues?

In 2009, Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee presented a budget of Rs 1000,000 crore! Out of that about Rs 39,000 crore was for the National Rural Employment Guarantee Scheme, more than Rs 12,000 crore was for the National Rural Health Mission and Rs 15,000 crore plus was for highways. That’s what the Finance Minister should concern himself with. Roads. Agriculture. Education. Basic amenities… All this austerity and “no five star” talk will save a few crore rupees at best: That’s peanuts. By doing such stunts, attention is being diverted from the real issues.

Austerity, then, is a Red Herring.

© Sunil Rajguru