7 ways to get famous in India…

alphabet-word-images-1294992_6401. Pick up any group of people: Say “left-handed traders on the right side of the street of the main market who sell imported goods from China and happen to be from the southeast central region of the country”. Then pick up any vague and arbitrary quality about them and note it down. Hire a dozen goons to get them beaten up. After the TV channels have repeated the images ad nauseam, give a press conference stating why you were “forced” to take such action based on the note you just made.
Bonus: You get to become a celebrity if you get arrested.

2. Start a new series of “Indian Tarot”. Print a book claiming how you got predictions right in the past. Advertise yourself and before you know it, you will be making predictions for celebrities and your face will appear regularly on Page 3.
Note: Have a sound backup explanation for whatever prediction goes wrong.

3. Keep a stock of effigies in your house and wait for any prominent personality to be attacked by the media. Then go to the streets and burn it. Before you know it, hundreds of people will surround you, as will half a dozen TV cameras. Works best with Indian cricketers when we’ve lost a major tournament or series.
Tip: For maximum impact, call the police in advance. If there’s a lathi-charge, the number of clips that appear on TV will increase tenfold.

4. Choose movies as you domain. Now follow the films that are about to be released very closely. Check all the stories, titles, lyrics… for even a whiff of controversy. When you find anything that may remotely offend any community or group, take it up and stage a dharna in front of your nearest multiplex. By the very next day, it’ll become a national issue.
Note: Works better it there’s a superstar involved.

5. Pick up any morality topic. There is no shortage of them in India. Kissing. Smoking. Drinking. Then form a group that has Anti- as the prefix, the morality issue you are fighting for at the middle and the word Sena/Morcha/Lok/… at the end. Now make calls, lead agitations… a movement will automatically begin and spread.
Tip: Having a website in advance to explain the cause serves as an easy reference.

6. Follow celebrity couples with a mobicam. When they come together, take a vague picture and send it to a newspaper, saying that they were kissing in public! The vaguer the picture, the greater the controversy.
Note: Go to the tabloids first.

7. Start a hate group on Facebook or Orkut. Lodge an anonymous complaint. The subsequent coverage will ensure that thousands of people join your group and lakhs view it.

Disclaimer: The author does not in any way recommend any of the above steps. This is a feeble attempt at humour that should not to be taken seriously. These are mostly a compilation of events that have already happened in India and they serve as more of a historical record. On hindsight, they should actually be “7 ways you shouldn’t get famous in India…”

© Sunil Rajguru

5 reasons why India exited T20 WC 2009 early…

1. Face it guys, we were outmaneuvered

Opposition teams have always been trying to find chinks in our armour and this time they succeeded with the short ball.
a. Their bowlers (West Indies and England) bounced our batsmen out of the tournament.
b. Our bowlers couldn’t do the same.
We couldn’t adjust to the English conditions despite the fact that there were four games played before the Super 8s. In the batting in the two crucial matches of the Super 8s, Rohit Sharma, Suresh Raina and Ravindra Jadeja were the biggest failures and they also happen to be the most inexperienced. We have to give credit to West Indies and England bowlers. They did a good job, with these three in particular.
On this count, Kirstein and Dhoni take the blame.

2. The captain is going through a bad patch

Dhoni will always be remembered as the man who won the inaugural T20 World Cup. He has played against and won one-day series with 5 of the Top 8 countries (South Africa aur Windies baaki hain). Cut him some slack. He got it wrong this time.
a. His poor batting form affected the team.
b. He made strategic errors vis a vis team selection and batting orders. But he had the grace to admit his mistakes in public. It takes a lot of courage to do that. It also means you’re willing to change.
Great captains Ganguly, Dravid and Kumble could not get out of their slumps and had to let go of the captaincy. Lovers of Indian cricket should pray that Dhoni gets his devastating form back fast, or else we’re in real trouble.

3. IPL fatigued our top players

Dhoni, Sehwag and Zaheer looked totally jaded after IPL2. And this showed in the World Cup. IPL2 was too close to WC for comfort. A stopover in South Africa on the way to England doesn’t exactly freshen matters. For this the BCCI and Modi should take the blame. If you try to kill the Golden Goose to get all the Golden Eggs in one day, then you’ll be left with absolutely nothing. As it is, the international schedule is getting more and more grueling and now this IPL comes along (no matter how great it is).

4. The relentless media badgering affected team morale

Sehwag was injured and couldn’t participate in the whole tournament. It should have ended there. Non-stop harping of a captain-vice captain rift will never help matters. Think over it. No international team could rock Captain Cool, but the Indian media finally succeeded angering the Indian captain and that too in the middle of a World Cup!
Team morale was down, there’s no doubt about that. We lost to England by 3 runs. With South Africa, we crashed from 55-1 to 118-8. That’s the sign of a team extremely low on confidence.

5. Periodic crashes are a way of life in Indian cricket

From 1968-71 we won on the foreign soils of World Champions West Indies, tough New Zealand and (at that time world beaters) England. But we had to wait 15 years for a repeat.
From 1983-85 we won all the major ODI tournaments with ease: the World Cup, mini World Cup, inaugural Sharjah Cup and the Asia Cup. But we totally lost steam after that for no rhyme or reason.
In the nineties, we were invincible in home Tests. We won the Hero Cup, kicked the Aussies in Sharjah in 1998 and chased 300 plus in a final with Pakistan. Then along came the match fixing scandal.
Ganguly proved to be the best captain ever, but he still went down in a quagmire. Dravid won foreign series in West Indies and England, did some record chasing and thrashed opponents. Even he couldn’t last.
Dhoni was going through too much of a dream run and like a crash in the booming economy, the Indian cricket team also came down to earth.
Now is the phase of rebuilding again. What do you do? Give the captaincy to Yuvraj or Sehwag? Somehow I don’t think that’s going to work. Dhoni is still the best man for the job. He has handled pressure well for two years (this tournament was definitely a blip) and he’s still innovative and captain courageous.

Parting Shot

By the 2007 ODI World Cup, international teams had figured out Dhoni the six-hitting batsman and he fell. Coincidentally the team also crashed out. But he reinvented himself and became the world’s number one batsmen.
In the 2009 T20 World Cup, international teams figured out Dhoni the Mr Cool captain and he fell. Coincidentally the team crashed again. Now he has to reinvent himself again and become the world’s number one captain.
In the last 3-4 years, the centre of gravity of the team has shifted from Tendulkar to Dhoni. Our fortunes depend on him now. He needs all the support to reinvent Team India. Knowing the fighter that Dhoni is, he’ll definitely do it, if left alone and given the freedom. 2011 will be a big year for India. Forget 2007 T20 WC. It’s dead.

© Sunil Rajguru

7 areas where science and technology failed…

Well, not exactly, maybe the headline is a bit dramatic, but these are the areas where we could have done a little better in life…

Science has made great advances and has cracked some of the world’s biggest problems in the past. We have gone to the moon, linked the entire planet in seconds and created devices of all shapes and sizes. Here are some trivial (and not so trivial) issues that still continue to irritate:

1. Cutting Onions: No matter how modernized the kitchen gets and how sharper the knife becomes, the housewife or cook still cries when onions are cut. Many devices were tried out in the early half of the twentieth century. Creating elaborate gas masks, using smoke to nullify the gas… it all proved too cumbersome. The solution was to cut them in water! But the taste went flat, so we went back to square one. (You can also freeze the onions and then cut them. That’s effective but unpopular) Now they’ve stopped trying as the crying continues…
How it happens: 1. You cut an onion. 2. Onion cells break. 3. Enzymes break down amino acid sulphoxides… 4. …become sulphenic acid. 5. Volatile sulphenic acid becomes gas. 6. Gas irritates the eye. 7. Tear glands activate to flush the gas out. (Can’t they find a simple way to break any of these steps?)

2. Eradicating cockroaches: There are various sprays, repellents and their kind, but none of them really rid cockroaches for good. They continue to be the scourge of homes all over. Keep spraying and they’ll keep building up resistance and come back. Cockroaches have been known to withstand freezing temperatures. They have survived without food and water for three months. It’s been found that they can withstand a nuclear holocaust. Think over it. After WW3, cockroaches may rule the Earth. Man succeeds the dinosaur. Cockroach succeeds man.
In Nature, the most effective anti-cockroach devices are wasps and centipedes. But you can’t exactly keep these creatures in your home can you? Gabriela Garcia Marquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude has a lengthy discourse on how history has combated the menace of cockroaches. The conclusion is that the only effective weapon is a person’s footwear.

3. Daily Shaving: So much has been done to make shaving easier and easier. And we men really appreciate that. In ancient times, they used stones to rub stubbles, then shells to pull out the hair. Then they used knives, the razor, the safety razor and the electric razor (which never really took off). Today twin blades are popular. (Did you know that the Gillette Fusion razor has 5 blades?)
But we still have to shave every day don’t we? Why? Why? Why? Thousands and thousands of times in your life you have to get up in the morning and do this ritual. Why?

I have a very simple question: As a man goes bald in his head, why can’t he go bald in his chin?

In Arthur C Clarke’s The Deep Range, the hero shaves just once a month. To think, so many of Clarke’s predictions have come true (think satellite TV) and not a simple one like this! I tell you… (If it weren’t for my wife, I would have just grown a beard)

4. The common cold: There is no cure for the common cold. That’s what I learnt in school. That’s still valid today. While we have eradicated small pox and countered tuberculosis, we are still powerless vis a vis the common cold. Medicines and home remedies just relieve and not “cure”. In all probability we’ll find a cure for cancer and AIDS but this simple disease will keep striking millions of people every year, costing millions in revenue and man hours.

5. Free Time: The more inventions, gadgets and techniques that are invented to save time, the lesser and lesser free time we seem to be getting in life. Packed working days. Packed weekends. Packed holidays. We are always fighting a losing race against Time. Regular Meaningful Rest and Relaxation remains a dream…

6. Peaceful Sleep: Another malaise that is afflicting mankind is sleep: Both the quantity and quality is going down. Sleeping pills. Sleep inducing music. Sophisticated mattresses. Scientists devoted to the science of sleep. It’s all happening. But ask your parents and their friends how soundly they slept when they were small. I think the progress of science and technology is inversely proportional to the beauty of sleep. (I’d rather be sleeping than writing this article, but then I’m addicted to the laptop, PC, Internet, TV… there’s no hope for me)

7. Calling Waiters: OK, what has science & technology got to do with this? Well, cooking has become high-tech. Restaurants are more swank. You can pay bills by credit cards. Cool gadgets and mechanisms power the fast food industry. But just try getting hold of a waiter in the best of restaurants on a Saturday night. It’s really tough. Eye contact? Excuse me? Hello! Shukshuk! Ahem Ahem. Which is the magic word? I mean can’t they have touch screen menus embedded in the table or buttons to hail waiters or something? How difficult is that?

Staying one step ahead: Crime and Disease…

No matter how far we progress, two things manage to stay ahead. Some disease. Some criminal.

1. War was a great killer. Then life saving first aid, antiseptics and nursing came along. So the weapons just got more lethal. Guns, bombs, unsmart missiles, smart missiles… There’s no cure if you get radiated and survive a nuclear blast, is there? Just when the twentieth century cured many a disease, cancer upped its ante and AIDS came along. We are all living longer right? But healthier? I don’t think so!

2. The better the lock—the better the thief. The better the safe—the better the plan. The stronger the safe—the greater the explosive. Computers and cyberspace made life easier for us—but it made it even easier for the criminals. Interestingly when the technique of fingerprinting was cracked, it was thought that no criminal could escape. In the US after DNA fingerprinting was introduced and many old cases were reopened. More than a hundred “fingerprint matched” people were found to be innocent. Why? While the chance fingerprints matching may be one in a billion, the chances of “partial fingerprints” matching are a mere one in hundreds. And partial fingerprints are what police usually get at the scene of a crime. It takes a newer technology to point out the pitfalls of the old ones.

Passing thoughts… Can science & technology ever solve the following riddles…?

1. What women want: Ha ha! I don’t think I have to explain this one. This it something totally out of the realm of science, technology, progress (and logic?).

2. Does God Exist: God may exist or he may not. Either way, science should offer us proof. Instead, science just dismisses all miracles, coincidences and the “illogical” faith and belief that billions of people have about God.

3. Why the hell are we all here in the first place? As a journalist, I was taught the importance of the 5Ws and H. Who? (OK, we are homo sapiens in a universe). What? (We know all about our chemical composition along with that of the Earth and universe) When? (We know the age of the universe and man and where we stand on the timeline today) Where? (We know our location on Earth and the Earth’s rough location in the universe) How? (The Big Bang. Laws. Chemical reactions. We have it all nearly figured out.) But Why? Why does the universe exist? Why do we exist? Why are we here? Who knows!

4. OK, here’s one up science’s alley. What is Nature’s fundamental particle? The Greeks called it the atom and lo behold scientists actually discovered it! Then there was an electron and proton inside the atom. OK, one’s negative and one’s positive. Wait there’s a neutron too! Oh God, now these three are nothing but fermions which can be hadrons or leptons… Fundamental particles number in the dozens! (From The Fundamental Particle to this!) But wait! Actually the proton is made of quarks… and it continues. The more we unravel matter, the tinier it gets. Ad infinitum?

5. What you really want: Can science peek into your soul and see your inner longing and help you find out what you really want? In fact I think gadgets and devices and processes are just addictive agents that will surround you and help you but take you away from what you really want deep inside.

© Sunil Rajguru

You know you’re in Bangalore when…

  • The temperature touches 37.5 degrees and everyone starts panicking and journalists start yelling, “Lead story” “Lead story” “Lead story”…
  • The shopkeeper shakes his head when you ask for cold drinks and he shows you “cool drinks” instead.
  • In the evening, the temperature drops a few degrees below normal and suddenly everyone is armed with sweaters and jackets.
  • You go from one one-way road to another, then another, then yet another…
  • After you return from a trip to Mumbai, you wonder why everything is suddenly in slow motion.
  • You drive up a busy flyover and have to suddenly screech your brakes. There’s a red light at the very top! What the…
  • In the apartment where you live, there isn’t a single floor, which doesn’t have at least one ITwallah.
  • You boast that you live right next door to the airport: Just 20kms from my house saar!
  • Every second article in the local pages of your newspaper has the word “infrastructure” in it.
  • When you go out for lunch, the sun is shining and the sky is blue with not a fleck of cloud. And yet by the time you’re leaving office, there’s a massive traffic jam because the roads are flooded after a torrential downpour and the sky is clear again!
  • Your neighbour has been transferred to Delhi and you go to offer your condolences.
  • You have a swank fine dining restaurant buffet and think it’s incomplete because there’s no curd rice.
  • You keep telling everyone that your city is the fastest growing in Asia (or India) though you’ve never ever seen any statistics in support of that.
  • No matter how many malls, arcades and shopping complexes open in your area; you still end up going to MG Road every now and then.
  • You are told that your city’s Metro will be ready in 2011 and you just can’t stop laughing.
  • When you return from Delhi, you think the autowallahs are sweet. When you return from Mumbai, you think the autowallahs are thugs.
  • One day you’re traveling in a crowded stinking bus and the very next day you’re in a high-tech AC Volvo at the very same time on the very same route.
  • You try to imagine your city without pubs and… you just can’t!

© Sunil Rajguru

10 Status messages you’re unlikely to see on Facebook…

What’s on your mind?

…thoughts on how to murder my boss

…visions from the porn link that I got that shows exceedingly clear pictures

…dilemmas on why the hell I got married in the first place and why I have kids

…why has nobody has been responding to my FB comments recently?

…ideas on how to make money dishonestly

…the headache that my kids’ screaming has given me

…dirty dirty thoughts, fully censored

…did I leave the gas on when I left the house today?

…nothing really, I rarely think, let alone get ideas that I can share

…depression, anxiety, worthlessness, uselessness… the usual

© Sunil Rajguru

12 differences between Western and Indian politicians…

Western: Change their needs to suit the party
Indian: Change their party (or alliance) to suit their needs

Western: Know the power of Development and go ahead with it
Indian: Pray that Development is just a passing fad

Western: Believe in politics of issues (before the people)
Indian: Believe in politics of issues (their children)

Western: Portfolios taken by subject matter experts. Professionals reach the pinnacle of their career with the portfolio.
Indian: Indian Roulette. The portfolio depends on who’s in line, tired of traveling, which ally has to be pacified in which way—subject matter expertise be damned!

Western: Film stars actively participate and endorse their choice of politicians
Indian: Film stars become politicians in large numbers (and promptly spend more time in front of the camera than in Parliament). In the South, you get to be Chief Minister.

Western: Number of politicians increase in Arithmetic Progression
Indian: Number of parties increase in Geometric Progression

Western: Know that they are below the law and try to circumvent it
Indian: Are the law

Western: Embarrassments and scandalmongers are kicked out or eased out
Indian: Embarrassments and scandalmongers are given plum ceremonial posts

Western: Dress to the occasion
Indian: Dress desi, think swadesi

Western: Forget past leaders, but practice their doctrines
Indian: Worship past leaders and damn their dreams

Western: Plan for the future
Indian: Live in India’s glorious and ancient past. What future?

Western: Try to capture the mind of the voters
Indian: Try to capture the booths of the constituencies

© Sunil Rajguru