1. Pick up any group of people: Say “left-handed traders on the right side of the street of the main market who sell imported goods from China and happen to be from the southeast central region of the country”. Then pick up any vague and arbitrary quality about them and note it down. Hire a dozen goons to get them beaten up. After the TV channels have repeated the images ad nauseam, give a press conference stating why you were “forced” to take such action based on the note you just made.
Bonus: You get to become a celebrity if you get arrested.
2. Start a new series of “Indian Tarot”. Print a book claiming how you got predictions right in the past. Advertise yourself and before you know it, you will be making predictions for celebrities and your face will appear regularly on Page 3.
Note: Have a sound backup explanation for whatever prediction goes wrong.
3. Keep a stock of effigies in your house and wait for any prominent personality to be attacked by the media. Then go to the streets and burn it. Before you know it, hundreds of people will surround you, as will half a dozen TV cameras. Works best with Indian cricketers when we’ve lost a major tournament or series.
Tip: For maximum impact, call the police in advance. If there’s a lathi-charge, the number of clips that appear on TV will increase tenfold.
4. Choose movies as you domain. Now follow the films that are about to be released very closely. Check all the stories, titles, lyrics… for even a whiff of controversy. When you find anything that may remotely offend any community or group, take it up and stage a dharna in front of your nearest multiplex. By the very next day, it’ll become a national issue.
Note: Works better it there’s a superstar involved.
5. Pick up any morality topic. There is no shortage of them in India. Kissing. Smoking. Drinking. Then form a group that has Anti- as the prefix, the morality issue you are fighting for at the middle and the word Sena/Morcha/Lok/… at the end. Now make calls, lead agitations… a movement will automatically begin and spread.
Tip: Having a website in advance to explain the cause serves as an easy reference.
6. Follow celebrity couples with a mobicam. When they come together, take a vague picture and send it to a newspaper, saying that they were kissing in public! The vaguer the picture, the greater the controversy.
Note: Go to the tabloids first.
7. Start a hate group on Facebook or Orkut. Lodge an anonymous complaint. The subsequent coverage will ensure that thousands of people join your group and lakhs view it.
Disclaimer: The author does not in any way recommend any of the above steps. This is a feeble attempt at humour that should not to be taken seriously. These are mostly a compilation of events that have already happened in India and they serve as more of a historical record. On hindsight, they should actually be “7 ways you shouldn’t get famous in India…”
© Sunil Rajguru