Tag Archives: UPA

March 2012 Status Updates

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∙ Bottle main ganda pani hain, par dhakkan saaf hai.
(Reference: PM & Defence Minister)

∙ My name is Anthony AK,
Main Defence Ministry main akela hu,
Resolve bhi hai khali, trust bhi hai khali,
Isme rahegi koi na koi controversy,
Hay scam offer yaad aaye jab chahe chale aaye,
Raisina Hill New Delhi kholi number 420…

∙ India invented Zero.
Sachin re-invented ZeroZero.
Indian politicians created ZeroZeroZeroZeroZeroZeroZeroZero… scams.

(March 30)

∙ Handle violent protests with non-violence.
Handle non-violent protests with violence.
That seems to be the UPA policy right now.

∙ For the UPA, 2011 was Anna horribilis.
But if the Lokpal gets passed this year, it’ll be Anna mirabilis.

∙ How Tatragate will be handled…
Antony to PM: Monitor! Monitor! My General is misbehaving!
PM to Sonia: Teacher! Teacher! What should I do?

∙ Seen in a different light, Gen Singh is merely fighting a War Against Financial Terrorism.

∙ India is a trillion dollar economy.
ScamIndia is a trillion dollar economy.

∙ Overheard…
Govt: That’s not the truth
Gen Singh: The truth? You can’t handle the truth!

(March 29)

∙ Every night they brush their teeth with Coalgate and still wonder why their teeth are so black.

∙ Facts of the day…
Dravid is the Wall.
Congress is the Gate.
(Coalgate, 2Gate, Adarshgate… make your own gate).

∙ When will this BSY Bele Bhath go thanda in Karnataka?

∙ The CAG has put the government in coald storage.

∙ Bypoll news: Cong wins in Karnataka, Gujarat. TRS wins in AP.
Analysis: BJP loses in Karnataka, Gujarat. Congress loses in AP.

∙ The Republicans should look towards a Joint Presidency bid to have a ghost of a chance against Obama in the upcoming elections.

∙ 2G has made the UPA a 0G (Zero Governance) government.

(March 23)

∙ US: I-wreck and then I-run leaving everyone stranded in the middle.
—Eh! So that’s their Iraq-Iran-Middle East policy?

∙ In CAG, C now stands for Coal, A for Air India and G for Generations of mobile telephony scams.

∙ UPA: Hum poverty ka band baja nahin sakte to kya hua? Hum poverty line ka hi band bajayenge.

∙ Give a man a long Rope and hang him.
Give the world economy a long Europe and hang it.

∙ Kingfisher and RCB are still having a severe financial hangover.
That shows that you shouldn’t mix your drinks—or industries!

∙ If Trinamool withdraws support and SP steps in then will UPA2 be called UPA Version 2.1?

(March 22)

∙ The Ctr C Ctr V anthem…
Status message koi lift karta hain to karne de,
Is rang badalti cyberduniya main kya tera status message hai, kya mera status message hai?
Aasu na baha, fariyaad na kar…

∙ Whenever Sachin scores a century, India doesn’t win the match…
This statement has been holding true for 500+ consecutive days now.

(March 21)

∙ Delayed Mahashatak PJ…
Anjali: How was your day?
Sachin: Sau sau.

(March 18 )

∙ Roller Coaster Super Friday
Morning Lead: Will the budget be good?
Noon Lead: Budget is bad!
Afternoon Lead: Will Sachin get his Mahashatak!
Evening Lead: Sachin gets his Mahashatak!
Night Lead: Bangladesh wins!
Final Lead: Both Common Man and Cricket Fan lose.

∙ It was the best of matches. It was the worst of matches.
Sachin fans got to see the 100th 100.
Sachin’s critics got to say “I told you so!”

∙ ABCD of today…
A for Allies cloud over UPA.
B for Budget of gloom from Pranabda.
C for Century of Centuries to wipe out all of the above.

∙ Actual quote of Pranabda…
I must be cruel (to the common man) to be kind (to the government).

∙ Colours of the Budget…
Token White Paper on Black Money even as White Money is in the Red and the Common Man is going to be beaten Black & Blue. Saffron and Red see a Green light for 2014…

∙ The Mahashatak question…
If not today, then when?
If not against Bangladesh, then against who?

(March 16)

∙ Rahul Gandhi is a VVIP.
(Very Very Irrelevant Person.)

(March 12)

∙ Three step procedure for Rahul Gandhi to revive himself.
1. Quit the party.
2. Emigrate.
3. Enjoy life.

(March 11)

∙ Dear Rahul Dravid,
Please postpone your retirement to 2014.
Then you can take over from Rahul Gandhi.
You’d make a better PM than him.

∙ Dear Congress,
Happy Holi.
P.S. Please use other colours to hide your being beaten black and blue.

∙ Guess Mayawati must see it all as a conspiracy to spoil Women’s Day (Sonia may agree).

(March 8 )

∙ Rahul campaigns in Bihar. Cong gets 4 seats. Chauka!
Rahul campaigns in UP. Cong gets 6 more seats. Chakka!
Don’t worry Rahul, tumhara 2014 LS polls main just about Shatak poora hoga.

∙ Final UP tally…
Goonda Raj & Sons: 224 seats.
Megalomaniac Behenji: 80.
Confused National Party: 47.
Absentee Future PM: 28.

(March 7)

∙ Overheard….
If 100 seats is a fig leaf, does 50 seats count as half a fig leaf?

∙ UP polls…
Haath aur haathi ko haath,
Cycle nahin, baap beta ka tandem hai,
Kamal: Begani shaadi main Abdulla deewana…

∙ Don’t worry. Waise bhi Rahul beta ko pachaas ke aage ki ginti aati hi nahin hai…

∙ Psephologist (Noun, Indian definition) A fraud who gets paid to make a prediction and paid even more later on to explain why the prediction went wrong in the first place.

(March 6)

∙ Diggy Raja trashes the RSS.
Diggy Raja trashes the BJP.
Diggy Raja trashes exit polls.
Diggy Raja trashes…
Bottomline: Diggy Raja is trash.

(March 4)

∙ King Cong se g (Gandhi) gir raha hain to reveal King Con.

(March 3)

© Sunil Rajguru

February 2012 Status Updates

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∙ India are the Fair Weather Chokers and the Do or Die World Champs.

∙ If Victory is our Religion, then Kohli is God.

(February 28)

∙ They may take away our victories, but they’ll never take away our freedom… (to call ourselves ODI World Champions till 2015)
-Indian Braveheart.

(February 26)

∙ IRAN now stands for… International Rage Against Nukes.

(February 17)

∙ Overheard in heaven…
Celebrity 1: My death got 4 million Google search pages.
Celebrity 2: My fan page message got 6 million likes.
Celebrity 3: That’s nothing. I went out at 10,000 Tweets per second!

(February 14)

∙ The UPA Ministers play a game call “Passing the Foot in the Mouth Parcel”.
Right now the parcel has stopped at Salman Khurshid.

(February 11)

∙ BCCI gets in the “All Out” mode after WC…
Gary Kirsten: Out! Nimbus: Out! Sahara: Out! Kochi Tuskers: Out! Pune Warriors: Out! Test No. 1 Status: Out! Indian Batsmen on Foreign Pitches: All Out! Third Umpire Decision Pending: Dhoni’s Captaincy & Seniors’ place in Test side.

(February 10)

∙ Political parties boasting in India…
Your (scam) is bigger than mine!

(February 9)

∙ Overheard…
1. Rahul is not looking good, send someone more inexperienced to make him look good.
Enter Priyanka!
2. Priyanka is not looking good, send someone more inexperienced to make her look good.
Enter Robert!
P.S. Why no Raabberrt jokes, Ajit fans?

∙ 1919: Nehru Dynasty begins.
1966: Extended to Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty.
2012: Extended to Nehru-Gandhi-Vadra Dynasty?

∙ License license na raha, service service na raha, spectrum hame tera aitbaar na raha…

(February 7)

∙ The RSS Pariwar finally has a foil.
The Gandhi-Vadra Pariwar!

∙ Revised Indian telecom slogans…
Ab mera number (kata) hai.
Har ek operator zaroori nahin hota hai.

∙ New Congress UP election offer…
3 for the price of 1!
(Rahul-Priyanka-Robert)

(February 6)

∙ How will the great man’s career end?
Sachin: 100*.
Sachin: 99, Retired Hurt.

∙ Before the IPL auction, Bowler Jadeja goes for 5.33 R/O in a T20 game.
After the IPL auction, Bowler Jadeja goes for 15.37 R/O in an ODI game.
Hmmm…

(February 5)

∙ Right now the 3 Cs of entertainment in India are…
Cricket. Cinema. Corruption.

(February 4)

∙ Unknown Progressive Alliance…
“There are known knowns,” Donald Rumsfeld.
“There are unknown unknowns,” UPA.
Exact magnitude of the 2G scam: Unknown.
Army chief’s age: Unknown.
Time when Lokpal will be passed: Unknown.
What Manmohan knows about all these scams: Unknown.
Existence of Governance within UPA: Unknown.

∙ Brick and mortar company: Earns $1 billion, worth $1 billion.
IT Company: Earns $1 billion, worth $10 billion.
Facebook: Earns $1 billion, worth $100 billion.

(February 3)

∙ BCCI must be seriously thinking of opting out of Tests and launching T10 cricket.
ICC chief bhi apna aadmi hai.
Big 3 also can debut as this new format won’t be that taxing at their age.

∙ Egypt.
1953: Fight for Republic.
2011: Fight for democracy.
2012: Fight for football.

∙ Even in the last IPL, CSK won all their matches at home and lost most of their matches away.
It’s a simple case of home sickness for bechra Dhoni!

(February 3)

∙ In 2011, India entered the Golden Age of Journalism… no shortage of scams, stories, confrontations, snafus…

(February 2)

∙ Democracy is the worst form of government, but there is no better.
-GB Shaw
Dhoni is the worst Indian Test captain, but there is no better.
-BCCI

∙ 20 June 2011.
The last India won ANY international cricket match on foreign soil.
17 matches and counting.
Make it laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge!

(February 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

Some more UPA musings…

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UPA1: Left left.
UPA2: Mamatata?

The Perfect Sibal Society
The NDA found a lot of things offensive.
The UPA finds even more things offensive.
Diggy Raja finds the very existence of RSS & Anna offensive.
The minorities may find this offensive and the majority may find that offensive.
I find you offensive and you find me offensive.
Let’s go ahead and remove everything that anyone finds remotely offensive and very soon Cyberspace will become Emptyspace (or let’s call it Sibalspace or is it actually Emptyspace between his ears?)

What a fighter!
You are fighting the CPM?
Yes, we are fighting Left…
You are fighting the BJP & RSS too?
Yes, we are fighting Left, Right…
And you are fighting your own cabinet, bureaucrats, Army chief and even your own allies?
Yes, we are fighting Left, Right and Centre.

© Sunil Rajguru

Measuring the United Progression of Audio (UPA)

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So much noise pollution is taking place thanks to that irrepressible group of people that call themselves the Congress spokespersons, that a brand new science called the United Progression of Audio (UPA) is being studied.

The scales…

Decibel (dB) = Unit of sound.

130dB = Threshold of pain.

194dB = Theoretical limit for undistorted sound.

Beyond that is the severely distorted UPA universe.

200db = 1 Sibal

10 Sibals (1 DeSibal) = 1 Singhvi.

10 Singhvis = 1 Renuka.

10 Renukas = 1 Aiyar.

10 Aiyars = 1 Tiwari.

10 Tiwaris = 1 Narayanaswamy.

10 Narayanaswamys = 1 DiggyRaja.

It is very difficult to go above the DiggyRaja Scale, for not only does the sound go for a toss at that level, but the very reality becomes distorted. TV waves have proved to be a perfect medium for carrying that type of reality distorted sound.

Some UPA statistics…

∙ On the day when all these spokespersons speak in unison, the resulting supersonic boom travels all around the world seven times. It has been known to disturb the flight paths of many poor unsuspecting migrating birds.

∙ In 2011, the noise pollution levels in the country rose by 32,237%.

∙ Many common citizens have complained of severe hearing problems thanks to all these high levels of distorted sound.

∙ Others have also complained of severe eye problems as they simply can’t believe the reality that they are seeing. (At the DiggyRaja scale, hallucinations have been known to occur).

∙ Psychiatrists have noted a rise in trauma thanks to people watching too much TV news channels.

∙ In its annual survey, The Global Politeness Institution has ranked India the fourth rudest country in the world at the end of 2011 as against its position of 154 at the end of 2010.

© Sunil Rajguru

UPA government musings…

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This is a Roti (vote-catching expensive Food Security Bill), Kapda (itna corruption hua hain ki badan pe kapde bache hi nahin hain) aur Makaan (Adarsh housing scam) government.
(Aur Bandwidth? 2G main hi atka hain abhi bhi!)

∙ UPA1: Nuke Deal.
UPA2: Nuked deals.

∙ Q: What is IT?
Kapil Sibal: Indira Technology.
Q: Matlab?
Sibal: Is desh ko Emergency ki zaroorat hai!

∙ A comes before B.
Umpteen Amendments before the actual Bill!
Wah re Lokpal!

© Sunil Rajguru

A very “balanced” government…

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A Raja: +Rs 1.76 lakh crore.
Kapil Sibal: -Rs 1.76 lakh crore.

Congress Spokespersons: Speak so much gas that they are a serious threat to global warming.
Congress High Command: Speak so less that if they actually lost their voices, then the nation wouldn’t notice for 10 odd years.

Baba Ramdev was handled with Physical Violence.
Anna Hazare was handled with Verbal Violence.

Manmohan Singh is the Picture of Sanity.
Diggy Raja is the Picture of Insanity.

Kapil Sibal as Education Minister ultimately Virtually achieved nothing.
As IT Minister, he tried to Educate the Virtual World.

Pranab Mukherjee is the No. 1 Trouble shooter.
The rest of the Cabinet are No. 1 Trouble Creators.

Rahul Gandhi is invisible in the Lok Sabha.
He’s Ultra-Visible in Uttar Pradesh.

© Sunil Rajguru