The actual Yojanas of the UPA…

Making MMS PM…
Kursi Ke Peeche Remote Chalao Yojana.

RTI…
Hame Chhod Kar Baaki Ke Baare Main Jaaniye Yojana.

NREGA…
Crore-o Main Vote Ikkhatta Karo Yojana.

Food Bill…
Crore-o Main Vote Ikkhatta Karo Maha Yojana.

Cases like Ishrat case…
Kisi Bhi Haal Par Modi Ko Fix Karo Yojana.

CBI…
Kisi Bhi Haal Par Saare Opponents Ko Fix Karo Yojana.

NAC…
Unofficial Sonia Power Ko Offical Banao Yojana.

Bharat Nirman…
Bharat Barbaadi Pe Parda Daalo Yojana.

Foreign Policy…
Sabse Dar Dar Ke Jeena Seekho Yojana.

Section 66A…
Hamse Dar Dar Ke Jeena Seekho Yojana.

© Sunil Rajguru

Congress musings…

· 2014: People get mad, vote out Congress.
Some Third Front joker becomes PM.
2016: People get mad, vote Congress.
Rahul becomes PM. UPA3 becomes triple arrogant.
Protests begin again.

· Congress believes in Monarchy (Nehru-Gandhi dynasty), Dictatorship (We talk, you listen), Communism (Only one party should rule), Riots (Maximum under their rule), Emergency (Offline 1975-77, Section 66A now)…
So why do people still believe in the Congress?

· 1960s: Lohia toppled Cong in States.
1970s: Narayan toppled Indira.
1980s: VP Singh toppled Rajiv.
1990s Vajpayee toppled Sonia.
2010s main koi hai?

· Paap ka ghada bhar gaya.
To Congress ne ek aur ghada laya, jo filaal khali hai.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

November 2012 Status Updates

∙ Egypt’s journey, 1922 to now…
Imperial Dictatorship to Royal Dictatorship to Military Dictatorship to Civil Dictatorship.

(November 28)

∙ FDI = Finally DMK In.

∙ 2014 main UPA ka hat-trick ball aa raha hai. Lag gaya to BJP clean bowled, all down aur retire ho jaayega.

∙ Arvind Kejriwal: Mere paas paisa hai, shaurat hai, scoops hai, support hai, political party hai, 24X7 media coverage hai, tere paas kya hai?
Kiran Bedi: Mere paas Anna hai!

(November 27)

∙ After Kejriwal’s “Mango people” Aam Admi Party, banana republican Vadra will probably want to launch Kela Logon ka Political Dal or KLPD.

∙ Kejriwal’s party is Aam Aadmi Party or AAP.
Other parties not impressed, say…
AAP yaha aaye kis liye? AAP ka kuch nahin ho sakta!

(November 24)

∙ Egypt’s many springs…
1922 Spring: Britishers ousted. 1953 Spring: Monarchy ousted. 2011 Arab Spring: Dictatorship ousted. 2012 protests: Another spring?

∙ Pre-1947: Congress fought war of Independence against the British.
Now: Congress fighting war of Independence against CAG, CEC, courts and all Independent bodies.

∙ RP Singh’s economy rate: -1.74 lakh crore Rupees.
Wickets: 1, Vinod Rai. Or so says Third Umpire Congress.

∙ Indian team main ek RP Singh fast bowler tha.
CAG team main ek RP Singh spinner hai.

(November 23)

∙ Trust Arvind Kejriwal to spoil Congress’ 26/11 party.
NSG = “Not So Great” treatment of our heroes.

(November 22)

∙ After hanging Kasab, there’s one less Pakistani terrorist, we’ve helped our neighbour. But the number of Indian criminals remains exactly the same.

(November 21)

∙ Fiscal cliff. Republican partisan mountain. Iran nuke canyon. Petraeus gorge. Israeli ties plateau. Afghan precipice. China currency fault lines…. Rocky second term for Barack Obama.

(November 16)

∙ Rahul Gandhi=Peter Pan of India. Never grows up. Ungrounded: Flies in the air. Looks like he believes in magic. Doesn’t live in India, but his own Neverland.

(November 14)

∙ Adpapers: The Ads of India. Adistan Times. The Ad.
Ad channels: AdTV. CNN-AdBN. Ads Now. Ads 24X7.
Adazines: Adlook. Ads Today. Adfare.

(November 11)

∙ Congress leaders are absolute masters of the PDA: Public Display of Arrogance.
∙ Right now the time is 10.18 AM and the date is 11-11-2012. This happens only once in eternity. Wow!

∙ If there’s a right-wing Hindu within your office network, is he called an Intranet Hindu?

∙ Kejriwal has shamed them!
Khurshid: A sub-1 crore scam!
Vadra: I’m nothing in front of Raja!
Ambani: Rs 100 crore! Never seen such a low amount!

(November 9)

∙ Politicians are doing the role of businessmen and businessmen that of politicians.
Activists are doing the role of journalists and journalists that of PR professionals.

∙ Indian Railways’ Cursed Ticketless Corporation.

∙ 2012 sounded more like the second coming of Christ than the election of the US President.

∙ Maybe the Times of India can come out with a main edition called Ads and a supplement called News.

(November 9)

∙ Chinese leadership change slogans…
Change the party can believe in.
Audacity of hopelessness.
One couple one child zero vote.
No you can’t!

∙ 1971: Ram ka naam badanaam na karo.
2012: Radha ka naam badanaam na karo.

∙ Like Naughty@40, LK Advani is PMHopeAlive@85.

∙ LK Advani still blows out all the candles of his birthday cake, closes his eyes and wishes to be Prime Minister.

(November 8)

∙ The 3 Holy Ss of India…
Sonia—cannot be investigated.
Sachin—cannot be questioned.
Scam accused—cannot be convicted.

∙ Old biblical saying… And the meek shall inherit the Earth.
Ancient Indian saying… And the corrupt shall inherit the land.

∙ Old: Ek machhar aadmi ko hijda bana deta hai.
New: Ek Tweet aadmi ko criminal bana deta hai.

(November 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

Congress facts and figures: Real and abstract…

Number of people controlling India’s destiny: 1 (Sonia Gandhi)

Number of years the UPA is going to loot the nation: 10

IQ of Rahul Gandhi: 100

Number of scams unearthed during UPA rule: 1,000

Number of tall claims made by Diggy Raja: 10,000

Number of nonsensical statements made by Congress spokespersons: 100,000

Number of times Meira Kumar has said Baith jaaiye in Parliament: 1,000,000

Numbers of Tweeple, Facebookers and Bloggers against the UPA: 10,000,000

Estimated number of corrupt people in India in excess of: 100,000,000

Number of people suffering under the UPA regime in excess of: 1000,000,000

Numbers of Tweets, status messages and verbal curses against the UPA: 10,000,000,000

Net worth of Indian billionaires in excess of: 100,000,000,000

Size of an average value mega scam nowadays: 1,000,000,000,000

Net worth of all scams combined in excess of: 10,000,000,000,000

Congress target for future scams: 100,000,000,000,000

© Sunil Rajguru

Twisted TV shows for Indian politics…

Kahani Har Scam Ki
The never ending saga of the UPA government.

Kasautii Internet Kay.
The continuous battle of the UPA to censor the Internet.

Baal Damaad: Kachchi Umar Ke Kachche Rishte
Story of perennial “Youth” Congress leader Rahul Gandhi.

Kaun Banega Arabpati?
Stories of all the never-ending scams.

Tu Tu Main Main
Congress-BJP debates in Parliament.

Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata Hai
The love-hate relationship between the Congress and BJP which some have termed match-fixing.

Kya Aap Paanchvi Pass Hain?
Interviews of various politicians across the land.

Comedy Circus
Regular round-up of Indian politics.

And lastly, a non-political one…
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Nahin Thi
Starring Eve (and Adam) when her sons get married.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

If Manmohan Singh spoke like Amitabh Bachchan…

∙ Mera sarkaar paanch lakh crore ka ghotala karne aaya hai, aur us main se mere jeb me paanch phooti kaudi bhi nahin jaayegi!

To BJP: Aapne apni paanch din na de kar aapne Lok Sabha ke 5 crore gumaye hai.

To people demanding his resignation: Jisne har roz apne government ko thoda thoda marte dekha ho, us-se maut se dar nahin lagta.

(Trishul)

To BJP: Ye tumhare baap ka ghar nahin, Lok Sabha hai, is liye sidhi tahrah khade raho.

(Zanzeer)

To BJP: Uff tumhare usool, tumhare adarsh. Kis kaam ke hai tumhare is usool jo ek waqt ki sarkar tak nahi bana sakta?

∙ Rahul ki maa, tu khush to hai na.

∙ Nahin Rahul ki maa, main kuchh bhi galat kaam nahin kar raha.

(Deewar)

∙ Ye sarkar kal chalegi, har haal pe, har keemat pe.

∙ Aap dekh sakte hain hum der se kyun aaye he. Shaher main ek bhi naaka nahin tha, ek bhi chok, gali nahin thi, jahan hum pe shabdo ki goliyon ki barsaat nahi hui.

∙ Pehle to mai aap ko ek PMO ke Twitter account pe haath daalne ke liye giraftar kar sakta hoon.

∙ Rishte me to hum tumhare PM hote hain, naam hai Manmohan.

(Shahenshah)

∙ PM ka resignation ka intezaar toh baarah rajyo ki parties kar rahi hai, magar PM ko resign karwana mushkil hi nahi, namumkin hai.

(Don)

∙ Ye 2G bhi ajeeb cheez hai: Sarkar sochta kuch hai, bolta kuch hai, aur karta kuch hai.

(Agneepath)

∙ Jise PM ban-na hai, woh sab line laga kar saamne khada ho jaye.

(Satte Pe Satta)

∙ UPA woh kutte ki dum hai, jo baara baras nalli ke andar daal ke, nalli tedi hoti, UPA sidha nahin hota!

(Laawaris)

∙ UPA ki imaarat ki neev itni majboot hai ki koi BJP hothon pe slogan aur chehre pe nafrat liye uski ek bhi eent hilane ke liye kadam nahi rakh sakta.

(Mohabbatein)

∙ Tumhara Naam kya hai, 2G?

∙ To BJP: Ghadi ghadi drama karta hai, saala.

(Sholay)

∙ Us aurat ka to bahut bada ehsaan hai. Kyun ki, us aurat to us waqt meri madad ki thi, jab mere apne party ne mooh pher liya tha.

(Shakti)