The Barney song for all occasions…

Original…
I love you, you love me,
We’re a happy family,
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you,
Won’t you say you love me too?

For Twitter…
I Follow you,
You Follow me,
We’re all Followers like Followers should be,
With a great big ReTweet,
And a mention from me to you,
Won’t you say you’ll ReTweet me too?

For Facebook…
I Like you,
You Like me,
We’re all friends like friends should be,
With a great big Comment,
And a Poke from me to you,
Won’t you say you Like me too?

For Congress-BJP bhai bhai in scams…
I help you,
You help me,
We’re all scamsters like scamsters should be,
With a great big deal cut,
And a share from me to you,
Won’t you say you’ll defend me too?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Once upon a time…

You know what, I was thinking…
I don’t care!

The breakfast I had was…
F*** off!

Wanna see my photo album?
I don’t have time for such things!

Will you play a game with me?
Are you nuts?

Will you take my quiz?
You’re so idle!

Let’s support a cause…
Too busy!

Farming would be a nice part-time hobby.
Keep dreaming!

…and then God created Facebook and Twitter!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Congress versus Twitter…

· UPA model governance…
Problem: 5 lakh displaced in Assam. Violence in Mumbai & Lucknow. Scare in Bangalore.
Solution: Ban 6 fake PMO Twitter accounts and impose 5 SMS limit.

· MMS’s biggest achievement of the year has been to ban 6 fake PMO Twitter accounts.
Now he can get back to doing nothing.

· Congress ka Opposition BJP.
BJP ka Opposition English news channels.
English news channels ka Opposition Twitter-Facebook.
Twitter-Facebook ka Opposition Congress.

· You can Fake it in the bedroom, but you can’t Fake it on Twitter.
—(Fake) PMO directive.

· I’m jealous of the fake PMO Twitter accounts! I wish I could be so outspoken and popular! Off with them!—Fake Manmohan Singh quote.

· Contradiction alert: Our PM is a fake.
How can you have a fake Twitter account of a fake PM?

· Twitter: We are real Tweeple with feelings!
UPA: And we are just plain Twits.
Facebook: We have a real genuine face too!
UPA: And we are just plain two-faced.

· PMO Fake Twitter accounts are Really good fun.
PMO Real Twitter account’s Faking interest in the country.

·UPA logic…
There are 6 million counterfeit CDs: Leave them!
There are 6000 fake NGOs: Leave them!
There are 6 fake PMO Twitter Accounts: Arrest them immediately!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

February 2012 Status Updates

∙ India are the Fair Weather Chokers and the Do or Die World Champs.

∙ If Victory is our Religion, then Kohli is God.

(February 28)

∙ They may take away our victories, but they’ll never take away our freedom… (to call ourselves ODI World Champions till 2015)
-Indian Braveheart.

(February 26)

∙ IRAN now stands for… International Rage Against Nukes.

(February 17)

∙ Overheard in heaven…
Celebrity 1: My death got 4 million Google search pages.
Celebrity 2: My fan page message got 6 million likes.
Celebrity 3: That’s nothing. I went out at 10,000 Tweets per second!

(February 14)

∙ The UPA Ministers play a game call “Passing the Foot in the Mouth Parcel”.
Right now the parcel has stopped at Salman Khurshid.

(February 11)

∙ BCCI gets in the “All Out” mode after WC…
Gary Kirsten: Out! Nimbus: Out! Sahara: Out! Kochi Tuskers: Out! Pune Warriors: Out! Test No. 1 Status: Out! Indian Batsmen on Foreign Pitches: All Out! Third Umpire Decision Pending: Dhoni’s Captaincy & Seniors’ place in Test side.

(February 10)

∙ Political parties boasting in India…
Your (scam) is bigger than mine!

(February 9)

∙ Overheard…
1. Rahul is not looking good, send someone more inexperienced to make him look good.
Enter Priyanka!
2. Priyanka is not looking good, send someone more inexperienced to make her look good.
Enter Robert!
P.S. Why no Raabberrt jokes, Ajit fans?

∙ 1919: Nehru Dynasty begins.
1966: Extended to Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty.
2012: Extended to Nehru-Gandhi-Vadra Dynasty?

License license na raha, service service na raha, spectrum hame tera aitbaar na raha…

(February 7)

∙ The RSS Pariwar finally has a foil.
The Gandhi-Vadra Pariwar!

∙ Revised Indian telecom slogans…
Ab mera number (kata) hai.
Har ek
operator zaroori nahin hota hai.

∙ New Congress UP election offer…
3 for the price of 1!
(Rahul-Priyanka-Robert)

(February 6)

∙ How will the great man’s career end?
Sachin: 100*.
Sachin: 99, Retired Hurt.

∙ Before the IPL auction, Bowler Jadeja goes for 5.33 R/O in a T20 game.
After the IPL auction, Bowler Jadeja goes for 15.37 R/O in an ODI game.
Hmmm…

(February 5)

∙ Right now the 3 Cs of entertainment in India are…
Cricket. Cinema. Corruption.

(February 4)

∙ Unknown Progressive Alliance…
“There are known knowns,” Donald Rumsfeld.
“There are unknown unknowns,” UPA.
Exact magnitude of the 2G scam: Unknown.
Army chief’s age: Unknown.
Time when Lokpal will be passed: Unknown.
What Manmohan knows about all these scams: Unknown.
Existence of Governance within UPA: Unknown.

∙ Brick and mortar company: Earns $1 billion, worth $1 billion.
IT Company: Earns $1 billion, worth $10 billion.
Facebook: Earns $1 billion, worth $100 billion.

(February 3)

∙ BCCI must be seriously thinking of opting out of Tests and launching T10 cricket.
ICC chief bhi apna aadmi hai.
Big 3 also can debut as this new format won’t be that taxing at their age.

∙ Egypt.
1953: Fight for Republic.
2011: Fight for democracy.
2012: Fight for football.

∙ Even in the last IPL, CSK won all their matches at home and lost most of their matches away.
It’s a simple case of home sickness for bechra Dhoni!

(February 3)

∙ In 2011, India entered the Golden Age of Journalism… no shortage of scams, stories, confrontations, snafus…

(February 2)

∙ Democracy is the worst form of government, but there is no better.
-GB Shaw
Dhoni is the worst Indian Test captain, but there is no better.
-BCCI

∙ 20 June 2011.
The last India won ANY international cricket match on foreign soil.
17 matches and counting.
Make it laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge!

(February 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

When Manmohan Singh went onTwitter…

Dear Manmohan… idea for your first Tweet… 140 Zeroes… since you are a zero loss government…

∙ The PM has just completed a Thousand Tweets.
The only reason Twitter or anyone else hasn’t noticed is because all those Tweets were of Zero characters each, complying fully with his offline image.

∙ Why hasn’t Manmohan Singh Tweeted anything yet?
Because he was told that Twitter allows only 140 characters.
He’s making that list right now…
Character 1: Sonia, Character 2: Rahul, Character 3…

∙ Why is Manmohan Singh’s Twitter account like James Bond? Because it also has a 00 (double zero) in front of it: 0 (Tweets) 0 (Following).

© Sunil Rajguru

How to catch the Internet with a Net…

The Government of India has just issued an Order…

Book Facebook!
Catch the Twitter Twits!
Log the Blogs for libel!
Take the yahoo out of Yahoo!
Shoot the MSN messenger!
In short…
Fence Cyberspace!
Catch the Internet with a Net!

Overheard…

An IT Minister: All I’m asking is for half-a-dozen companies to sift through a few billion status updates, pictures and links every day and remove the millions of pieces of content that are offensive to us. How unreasonable is that? These websites, I tell you…

A Congress Worker: That’s against us… that’s against us… that’s against us… (after a few thousand “That’s against us-es”)… hey! that’s against a particular community! Now we have finally got our peg!

© Sunil Rajguru

The Circle of Social Networking…

Step 1. A competitor comes out with a change.
Step 2. Facebook changes overnight.
Step 3. We resist, scramble, grumble, complain…
Step 4. We totally get used to it. Many new users join in.
Step 5. Immediately go back to Step 1.

∙ Facebook  has mastered the art of penniless acquisitions.
Instead of taking over Twitter, it cannibalized the Twitter Status Update.
Instead of fighting Google+, it simply became Facebook+.

∙ The Facebook Evolution…
From: What’s on your mind?
To: I know what’s on your mind!

∙ Another Facebook related change…
From now on, WTF! will stand for What The Facebook!

∙ Wanted, a self-help book…
Help! Who moved my Facebook?
Potential customers: 750 million and counting.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 26

• By the time we die, I’m sure we’ll be able to sum up our life story in 140 characters.

• A definition of Globalization:
If there was no corruption in India, then the Swiss Banking System would collapse.

• A thought for today:
Never judge a Friend by his Status Messages.

• Remember: In India, a politician’s RTC beats our RTI.
(RTC=Right to Corruption)

• Right now there are many scams going around in your neighbourhood, city, state and country. Since most of them are undetected and invisible, you sleep well.

© Sunil Rajguru

Traditional media heading towards extinction…

There are those who say that all traditional forms of media will be extinct and journalism like that of Twitter and WikiLeaks is the future. While most editors dismiss this as hogwash and alarmist, there are some signs that it is happening already.

A look at some stories where traditional media picked up from such sites…

The Austerity Drive: A simple Shashi Tharoor “cattle class” Tweet almost brought the Indian Parliament down.
(You can deny what you say, but not what you Tweet.)

The IPL Megascam: The IPL was set up in 2008. For about two years the entire Indian media went gaga over Modi and it was a Lalit in Wonderland show 24/7. Then a Tharoor-Modi Tweetspat led to the entire house tumbling down like a pack of cards.
(Sawdhan: Ek Twitter message insaan ke career ko hijra bana sakta hai.)

The Zulqarnain Shocker: While the whole world was wondering about the disappearance of Pakistan wicketkeeper Zulqarnain Haider, his Facebook status message threw light on his mental anguish.
(Keep your friend close, your status messages closer.)

The Radia Tapes:
Just because two high-profile editors were involved, most of the media kept mum on the Radia tapes. But immense pressure from cyberspace led to a whole slew of stories and debates.
(One sole journalist cannot take on a million citizen journalists).

US Intelligence leaks: While the US high-handedness and backroom talks could be guessed by most, the precise details in the form of WikiLeaks came as a shocker to the whole world.
(Getting hold of a hard copy of a secret document is tough. Getting hold of a few million in cyberspace is a piece of cake.)

Twitter also has become the sole voice of the masses like in Iran in recent times and celebrity Twitter messages are filling stories and sound bytes in traditional media.

Just one point: While most people say that this new form of journalism is not reliable or in-depth or not taken seriously, I just have one point to make. For most of cyberspace, the first source of news is Twitter and Facebook. That is, you get your news from them and then move on to traditional media.

If a newspaper or magazine broke the news and it unleashed a storm on Twitter or Facebook, I can understand. But so many lead stories are being broken or created in this new medium and newspapers and TV channels are doing the following.

The only reason why the entire world doesn’t get its news this way is due to low Internet penetration. Most of the world still relies on a newspaper or TV channel. But for how long?

The day is not far when everyone will have access to the Internet either on the computer, mobile or other handheld device and then traditional media will find itself suddenly redundant.

Day Before Yesterday: Media = Newspapers + Magazines

Yesterday: New Media = Online + TV. Old Media = Newspapers + Magazines

Today: New Media = Twitter & Co. Old Media = Newspapers + Magazines + TV

Tomorrow: Facebook+ Twitter & Co. embedded with blogs, video, audio clips = Only Media.

The Day After Tomorrow:
Everything else will come under “Extinct Media”.

New Media Motto: Apna haath Jagannath!

(Don’t rely on anyone else’s hand to write a story. Rely on your own!)

© Sunil Rajguru

Real requirements versus virtual

How requirements differ in the real world and the virtual…

Offline Friends Required: One good one will do.
Online Friends Required: At least 1000 please!

Offline Mails: So nice to get a nice letter once in a while!
Online Mails: You’re a total non-entity if you don’t get at least 50 emails a day.

Offline Likes: Some appreciation once in a while will be appreciated.
Online Likes: What? I got 10 Facebook likes? I wanted 20!

Offline Followers: Hahaha, do you think you can get even one???
Online Followers: Ha! 1000 people follow me on Twitter!

Offline requirements for communication: Just the five simple senses will do.
Online requirements for communication: Desktop, laptop, mobile, any other gadget welcome and all require a great broadband connection and all are upgradeable frequently.

© Sunil Rajguru