Once upon a time…

You know what, I was thinking…
I don’t care!

The breakfast I had was…
F*** off!

Wanna see my photo album?
I don’t have time for such things!

Will you play a game with me?
Are you nuts?

Will you take my quiz?
You’re so idle!

Let’s support a cause…
Too busy!

Farming would be a nice part-time hobby.
Keep dreaming!

…and then God created Facebook and Twitter!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Congress versus Twitter…

· UPA model governance…
Problem: 5 lakh displaced in Assam. Violence in Mumbai & Lucknow. Scare in Bangalore.
Solution: Ban 6 fake PMO Twitter accounts and impose 5 SMS limit.

· MMS’s biggest achievement of the year has been to ban 6 fake PMO Twitter accounts.
Now he can get back to doing nothing.

· Congress ka Opposition BJP.
BJP ka Opposition English news channels.
English news channels ka Opposition Twitter-Facebook.
Twitter-Facebook ka Opposition Congress.

· You can Fake it in the bedroom, but you can’t Fake it on Twitter.
—(Fake) PMO directive.

· I’m jealous of the fake PMO Twitter accounts! I wish I could be so outspoken and popular! Off with them!—Fake Manmohan Singh quote.

· Contradiction alert: Our PM is a fake.
How can you have a fake Twitter account of a fake PM?

· Twitter: We are real Tweeple with feelings!
UPA: And we are just plain Twits.
Facebook: We have a real genuine face too!
UPA: And we are just plain two-faced.

· PMO Fake Twitter accounts are Really good fun.
PMO Real Twitter account’s Faking interest in the country.

·UPA logic…
There are 6 million counterfeit CDs: Leave them!
There are 6000 fake NGOs: Leave them!
There are 6 fake PMO Twitter Accounts: Arrest them immediately!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Famous quotes twisted for status messages…

Show a man your status message and amuse him for a minute.
Teach him how to update his own status message and screw him for life.

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a status message. The other is as though everything is a status message.

Friends, followers and connections, lend me your likes.

I came, I surfed, I liked.

Speech is silver, silence means you’re nothing but a lurker.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become status messages.

Brevity is the soul of wit and long status messages point to the soul of a twit.

Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just like my status messages and be my friend.

A friend is someone who knows all about you and still likes your status messages.

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy writing stupid status messages.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Facebook versus the offline world…

Offline: I wish for just one true friend!
Facebook: I wish for just 1000 Friends!

Offline: I wish someone would like me for once.
Facebook: I wish I could collect at least 10 likes per day.

Offline: Wow! Half-a-dozen people wished me on my birthday today!
Facebook: What? Only 30 Friends posted on my wall?

Offline: You scratch my back and I scratch yours.
Facebook: You Like my status and I Like yours!

Offline: I’m sad means I’m sad.
Facebook: I’m sad leads to 12 likes, 26 comments and loads of ego massaging.

Offline: I had butter toast for breakfast. (Ain’t I the only person who’s supposed to know that?)
Facebook: I had butter toast for breakfast. (There you go 1256 friends and maybe tens of thousands more if my privacy settings are lax!)

Offline: What’s on my mind? Hell even I don’t know!
Facebook: What’s on my mind? Here take a few 100 status messages!

Offline: It’s better to keep quiet than to open’s one mouth and look like a fool.
Facebook: Keep quiet? Then why the hell am I on Facebook in the first place? I’d rather look like a fool many times over.

Offline: Insomnia means hours of staring at the ceiling.
Facebook: Insomnia means hours of staring at the Wall.

Offline: Stalkers are rare and scary.
Facebook: We are all stalkers!

Offline: Plagiarism is bad.
Facebook: Plagiarism is par for the course!

Offline: Sorry I don’t have any time to fill out that questionnaire form.
Facebook: But I have time to fill hundreds of forms related to all those mundane quizzes.

Offline: My boasting puts people off.
Facebook: What fun virtual boasting is!

Offline: I love my parents!
Facebook: My parents better not exist on this social networking site!

Offline: I hate clicking photographs.
Facebook: I don’t think I’m putting up enough photographs.

Offline: I don’t have green fingers, my solitary potted plant died.
Facebook: Thanks to Farmville, I’m a green finger tycoon!

Offline: I always put my best foot forward.
Facebook: I always put my best mugshot forward.

Offline: I’m so full of hate.
Facebook: There is not Hate, but only Like.

Offline: Boori nazar wale tera muh kaala!
Facebook: Jitna jyaada nazar is taraf aaye, utna accha!

Offline: I couldn’t give a damn about anything in life!
Facebook: The number of causes I support is simply not funny!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

How to catch the Internet with a Net…

The Government of India has just issued an Order…

Book Facebook!
Catch the Twitter Twits!
Log the Blogs for libel!
Take the yahoo out of Yahoo!
Shoot the MSN messenger!
In short…
Fence Cyberspace!
Catch the Internet with a Net!

Overheard…

An IT Minister: All I’m asking is for half-a-dozen companies to sift through a few billion status updates, pictures and links every day and remove the millions of pieces of content that are offensive to us. How unreasonable is that? These websites, I tell you…

A Congress Worker: That’s against us… that’s against us… that’s against us… (after a few thousand “That’s against us-es”)… hey! that’s against a particular community! Now we have finally got our peg!

© Sunil Rajguru

The Facebook Ilu Ilu song…

Please read to the tune of the song Ilu Ilu from the film Saudagar

Ilu…
Ilu ilu…
Ye ilu ilu kya hai yeh ilu ilu,
Jab
news feed main koi status message aaya to dost ne kaha,
Ilu ilu… ilu ilu…
Picture dekh ke aaya dher saara maja, to bola ye samaa,
Ilu ilu… ilu ilu…
Jab koi
virtual cheez achhi lagti hai, badi pyaari pyaari lagti hai,
To dost
click karta hai,
Ilu ilu… ilu ilu…
Ye ilu ilu kya hai ye ilu ilu,
Ilu ka matlab
I l you, I l you,
Ilu ka matlab I like you, I like you,
Hey I like your status, I like your pix, I like your comment…

Ilu…
Ilu ilu…
Ye ilu ilu kya hai ye ilu ilu,
Jab meethe
status koi lagaye misri ki meesri ki meethi daliyon se,
Jab mast baharon ka mausam ka koi
picture lagaye,
Jab
link se aaye koi gyaan guru,
To dost
click karta hai,
Ilu ilu… ilu ilu…
Ye ilu ilu kya hai ye ilu ilu,
Ilu ka matlab
I l you, I l you,
Ilu ka matlab I like you, I like you,
Hey I like your status, I like your pix, I like your comment…

(Original song: Ilu Ilu.
Film: Saudagar.
Year: 1991.)

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Facebook Nations: Relationship Status

America-Pakistan: It’s Complicated.
(Where US=Husband)

India-Pakistan: Divorced in 1947, still awaiting final settlement.

America-China:
It’s Complicated.
(Where US=Wife)

Russia-America: It’s so funny how we don’t talk any more.

Brazil-Argentina: Relationship? Depends whether it’s on the football field or off it!

Afghanistan-Pakistan:
Separated at birth, hyphenated in the 2000s.
(Af-Pak)

India-China:
Married. (To the concept of being the next Superpower)

Israel-Palestine: Separated at birth, united in conflict.

South Korea-North Korea:
Brothers. (In Arms)

England-France: Neighbours. (Thank God for the Channel!)

China-Taiwan-Tibet:
What relationship? We are One. (Or so says every schizophrenic)

© Sunil Rajguru

Kal Aaj Kal aur Facebook

∙ Yesterday: Friend, Philosopher and Guide.
Today: Friend, Subscriber and Liker.

∙ Yesterday: You’ve got mail.
Today: You’ve got notifications.

∙ Yesterday: Stop bugging me.
Today: Stop poking me.

∙ Yesterday: Main aur meri tanhai
Today: Main aur mera status message…

∙ Yesterday: If you have 5 true friends, it’s enough.
Today: If you have 500 Facebook friends (true or false, who cares), it’s enough.

∙ Yesterday: The more books you read, the more your brain will develop.
Today: The more friends you have on Facebook, the bigger your brain size.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

The mystery of the Pokebook…

Dear Facebook,

What the hell do you mean by the feature called Poke?

When someone pokes me, what does that mean? For what joy has it been done?

You very happily inform me that “X has poked you. Poke back.”

Why?

And if I’m poking someone, where am I poking him?

In the eye? In the stomach?

With my finger? With a stick?

“Poke fun at” means to ridicule someone.

“Poke one’s nose into” means to meddle in someone’s affairs…

(That’s what most of us do on Facebook anyway, so is that the real meaning?)

I searched the web and found a quote by your creator Mark Zuckerburg: When we created the poke, we thought it would be cool to have a feature without any specific purpose.

How pokinine!

(My new word for asinine)

Ending this letter with a Superpoke,

Regards,

Sunil Rajguru

Post-death Facebook apprehensions…

∙ I registered a million cumulative Likes on Facebook in my life and yet everybody hated me!

∙ Does heaven have Facebook?
Even one in hell will do!

∙ Have I secured my Facebook legacy?

∙ Section of a will…
My bequeath my Facebook Password to my account, which has 2235 Friends, 3456 Status messages, 2356 Likes and memberships to 456 Groups to ….. …..

∙ The last message conundrum…
If I get someone to post “I’m Dead” as my last Status Message and it gets a 100 Likes, then are people appreciating my Status or are they happy that I’m dead?

© Sunil Rajguru

The Circle of Social Networking…

Step 1. A competitor comes out with a change.
Step 2. Facebook changes overnight.
Step 3. We resist, scramble, grumble, complain…
Step 4. We totally get used to it. Many new users join in.
Step 5. Immediately go back to Step 1.

∙ Facebook  has mastered the art of penniless acquisitions.
Instead of taking over Twitter, it cannibalized the Twitter Status Update.
Instead of fighting Google+, it simply became Facebook+.

∙ The Facebook Evolution…
From: What’s on your mind?
To: I know what’s on your mind!

∙ Another Facebook related change…
From now on, WTF! will stand for What The Facebook!

∙ Wanted, a self-help book…
Help! Who moved my Facebook?
Potential customers: 750 million and counting.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru