Random black money musings…

Jitna White Snow Switzerland main hain, utna Indian Black Money to zaroor hoga us desh main.

∙ The Indian politician’s…
Ad jingle: Khaaye ja, khaaye ja, corruption ke gun gaaye ja…
Money anthem: It don’t matter if you’re black or white.
Slogan: Black power!
Favourite book: Black Beauty.
Favourite film: Black.

∙ The country is in its elements…
Earth (Coalgate), Fire (KG Basin Oil Scam), Air (2G), Water (Belekeri port scam)

∙ Overheard…
Citizens: Bring back money from Switzerland.
Politicians’ families: Bring Black Money from Switzerland.

© Sunil Rajguru

We didn’t start the scamfire…

This could well be in anthem of UPA2.

Corruption, scams and scandals have been around in India for what seems like forever.

Please sing to the tune of Billy Joel’s We didn’t start the fire

Haridas Mundhra & LIC, Pratap Singh Kairon & SC,
Jeep scam, Cycle import scandal, BHU funds misappropriation,
Teja loan and Kaling Tubes, Nagarwala scandal’s on,
Maruti & Kuo Oil, AR Antulay and cement what ho!

Bofors mega scam, St Kitts’s forgery and Airbus,
Palmolein Oil Import Scam in Kerala hai hai!

Harshad Mehta’s here now, the stock market’s got a new king,
Sugar import, preferential allotment, Meghalaya forest bye bye.

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…

Purulia arms drop, Fertilizer import uff oh!
CR Bhansali and Sukh Ram, Laloo’s fodder’s the big bloc.

SNC lavalin power project scam and Hawala’s on,
UTI almost falls, Cricket match-fixing around the clock.

Ketan Parekh, Barak Missile, and Kargil coffin scam,
Bihar land trouble and even a Cobbler scandal, India is a scamland,

PF, HUDCO, Taj corridor,
Navy war room spy scam, Trouble with Mr Telgi.

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…

Gegong Apang and PDS, Bihar flood relief scam,
Oil for food, Uttar Pradesh ayurveda and IPO.

Kerala ice cream parlour sex and Scorpene Deal,
White money homicide, Children of corrupt politicians.

Punjab city centre project scam, all sorts of mafia,
Haryana Teachers’ recruitment scam, Clean projects are a no-go.

Satyam not so true, State Bank of Saurashtra is in it too,
Jharkhand medical equipment scam, Cash for votes in Parliament also.

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…

Army ration pilferage, Ultra corrupt in the corrupt land,
Hasan Ali, Gujarat sugarcane, Emmar, Total scam invasion.

Coal, Tarta, CWG, LIC, Belikeri, Scam media mania,
ISRO S-Band, KG Basin oil, Goa SEZ, UP MGNREGA.

Adarsh, NHRM, IPL, Madhu Koda, ND Tiwari sex,
2G Rs 1.76 lakh crore, what else do I have to say?

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…

No control, Punjab paddy, Anna Hazare back again,
Flying club frauds, many scams in J&K too what rot.

Highway and HP pulse scams, Trouble on the airline,
Gujarat PSU irregularities, Sukhna, All’s sinking in scamistan.

Andhra also has a land scam, might as well commit suicide,
Karnataka Wakf Board Land, Maharashtra stamp duty.

President Patil land grab, Mines are under jungle law,
Congress and BJP wars, I can’t take it anymore.

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
But when we are gone,
It will still burn on, and on, and on, and on…

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…
We didn’t start the scamfire…

(Original Song: We didn’t start the fire.
Singer: Billy Joel.
Year: 1989.)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

The blind men and the Lokpal Elephant

(Based on the story “Blind men and an elephant”)

The Lokpal Elephant was kept in a dark room and various people went to check it out.

Kapil Sibal felt the tusks and said, “This is pretty strong, hard and can rip apart almost anything!”

Laloo Prasad Yadav felt the leg and said, “My God! This is so strong! It can crush us any time!”

Arvind Kejriwal felt the tail and said, “This is so thin and useless!”

M Karunanidhi felt the ear and said, “This looks quite small and useless, my ministers will be safe.”

Mamata Banerjee tried to touch the trunk but it kept moving this way and that way and she exclaimed, “My God! I don’t even know what this is!”

Mulayam Singh Yadav felt the stomach and it rumbled loudly and so he ran out of the room.

Some Congress MPs went too close to its rear and got disgusted and ran away too.

LK Advani sat in the corner and refused to touch the elephant saying, “What do I care! We are not in power!”

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Anna-UPA musings…

How to make India a clean country…

Step 1: Take the highly complex issue of Corruption and isolate it.

Step 2: Put it in a box called Lokpal and lock it, throwing away the keys.

Step 3: Throw the box in the Anna River.

Step 4: Stand by the banks and pray…

∙ This whole Anna Hazare saga and his fight with the government is fast resembling a Harry Potter-Voldemort fight. Here’s reworking the original prophesy…

“The one with the power to vanquish the UPA approaches… born to a movement which has been thrice defied by the Centre… and the UPA will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the UPA knows not … and either must fall at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives…”

2012 Outlook: Either the government will fall or Anna will totally fail and be consigned to the shadows.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Tu mera Anna No. 1

OK, Team Anna is facing really tough times and the movement needs a theme song to pep it up.

Here’s one for Anna Hazare…

Please sing to the tune of Sona Kitna Sona Hai (Tu mera Hero No. 1) from the film Hero No. 1

Sona kitna sona hai, sone jaise tera jan andolan,
Sun zara sun kya kehti hai, krantikari desh ki dhadkan,
Sona kitna sona hai, sone jaise tera jan andolan,
Sun zara sun kya kehti hai, krantikari desh ki dhadkan,
Tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera Anna no.1,
Tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera Anna no.1.

Anna tu mera Anna hai, Baba jaisa kaam na kar,
Usne jo bhi kaam kiya, bilkul waisa kaam na kar,
Anna tu mera Anna hai, Baba jaisa kaam na kar,
Usne jo bhi kaam kiya, bilkul waisa kaam na kar,
Gandhiji kehete hai anshan, achchha nahin ye netapan,
Tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera Anna no.1,
Tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera Anna no.1.

Sarkar main kitni sampatti hai, baahar kitni kadki hai,
Sarkar ne bedardi meri haalat kaisi kar di hai,
Oof sarkar main kitni sampatti hai, baahar kitni kadki hai,
Sarkar ne bedardi meri haalat kaisi kar di hai,
Lokpal ko sanwidhaan main basaale, tod le sab tu uljhan,
Tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera Anna no.1,
Tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera Anna no.1.

Sona kitna sona hai, sone jaise tera jan andolan,
Sun zara sun kya kehti hai, krantikari desh ki dhadkan,
Sona kitna sona hai, sone jaise tera jan andolan,
Sun zara sun kya kehti hai, krantikari desh ki dhadkan,
Tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera Anna no.1,
Tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera tu mera Anna no.1.

(Original Song: Sona kitna sona hai.
Film: Hero No. 1.
Year: 1997)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

MMS, the new Harry Potter of India…

Move over Harry Potter, India has its own hero in the form of Manmohan Singh (MMS) with seven exciting books in the series.

A brief synopsis of each book…

MMS and the Sorcerer’s Wand: Our hero stumbles upon a magic wand that makes him prime minister of his kingdom. But what’s this? It is totally ineffective against inflation, price rise and media scrutiny! How will our hero overcome all of this? Read the Sorcerer’s Wand to find out!

MMS and the Chamber of Dirty Secrets: While exploring the kingdom, our hero stumbles upon the chamber that holds all the dirty secrets related to scams, corruption and other wrongdoings of the land. Being squeaky clean himself, how will he cope with this shock? And can his spotless white kurta escape the stains of all the muck around him? Read to find out…

MMS and the Prisoners of Tihar: One by one, our hero’s ministers start disappearing from his cabinet and magically apparate into Tihar Jail. Is all of this a conspiracy? And the curses and spells seem to be coming near the prime minister’s sacred inner cabinet. Can his top ministers escape? And more importantly, can he counter all the spells that are unleashed directly at him?

MMS and the Trial by Fire: Capturing the throne was the easiest part. Holding on to it is tougher. Every day our hero has to battle confidence motions, forces behind the throne, a belligerent cabinet, media scrutiny, funny fasting old men, a mysterious entity called the RSS along with forces from other evil kingdoms… Will he survive?

MMS and the Order of the Spokespersons: In this episode all the brain-dead empty headed leaders of the kingdom get together and form the highly idiotic and irritating Order of the Spokespersons. They plague the entire kingdom with their non-stop verbal spells that fly through the airwaves and multiply through cyberspace plunging the entire land into gloom. The movie version will be titled: The League of Extraordinarily Irritating (and not so) Gentle Men and Women.

MMS and the Half-blood Prince: Is the half-blood prince, who claims divine unbroken prime ministership from his father’s side, a friend or a foe? Will the prince redeem the kingdom and save it from ruin or will he usurp MMS from his coveted post and consign him to the dustbin of history? Can one live while the other survives?

MMS and the Deathly Fellows: We reach the last stage of the saga of the tragic hero. There is death and destruction all around. Reputations, schemes, plans are all dying with great regularity. No new spells can be created and the magic wand is busy deflecting mundane petty attacking spells all day. Will the lame duck manage to limp across the finishing line and maybe even take his fellowship into another term?

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Lokpal’s Divine Comedy…

1963: Lokpal Version 1.0.
Creator: Papa Singhvi. PM: Pardada Nehru.

1968: Version 2.0.
Introducer: Papa Bhushan. PM: Dadi Gandhi.

1971: v3.0. 1977: v4.0.

1985: v5.0. PM: Papa Gandhi.

1989: v6.0. 2001: v7.0. 2005: v8.0. 2008: v9.0.

2011: v10.0 not cleared by Parliament.

Rejoice!
v11.0 now to be branded as Lokpal Strong Ultra Version 11.0.

Dramatis personae & Descandants, circa 2011…
Beta Singhvi (Head of Standing Committee), Mamma Gandhi (Congress President), Beta Bhushan (Team Anna) and Mahatma Gandhi Version 2.0 (a.k.a. Anna Hazare).

Lonely Lokpal’s song…
Saare bhrastachariyo ka bojh hum uthate hain,
Sarkare aate hain, sarkare jaate hain,
Par hum yahin pe khade raha jaate hain…

Burning Question…
Will Beta Gandhi finally manage to make it a reality when he finally becomes Prime Minister one day?

Inscription for all those staring at the Lokpal Hell Gate…
Abandon hope all ye who enter here!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

August 2011 Status Updates

Anna Hazare on fast. Loses 3 kgs in 3 days.
Congress credibility also on fast. Has lost so much weight that very soon it will be hospitalized and put on drip.

(August 19)

A CongPal Resolution has been passed by which the Congress party will be protected at any cost; Desh, Lok, Anna sab gaye tel lene!

Many years ago, they made a Tryst with Corruption. At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the whole world slept, they looted the nation.
Here’s wishing India Independence from these corrupt blokes.
(I know that’s impossible, but hey! A wish is a wish!)

(August 15)

The three avatars of BSY…
Pre-2008: Godot (Wait, I’m coming one day)
2008-2011: FevicolMan (Meri aur gaddi ki majboot jod hai, tootegi nahin!)
2011: Terminator (I’ll be back!)

(August 14)

Overheard…
A US President: I just upgraded my Blackberry and downgraded my country!

In light of the Gold prices, from now on in India a Platinum Jubilee will be celebrated after 50 years and a Golden Jubilee after 75 years.

Roller Coaster Duncan Fletcher…
When Fletcher took over England, they were at the bottom. He took them to the top.
(Then to the bottom again)
When Fletcher took over India, they were at the top. He took them to the…
Either way, it’s a roller coaster. India riding up or down from Birmingham?

(August 9)

A Second Recession in the US?
I have a feeling that they have merely split the Second Depression into two parts for some positive spin and good press.

America needs a new AAA battery.
Anyone has a spare?

(August 8 )

Is it a one down batsman?
Is it a temporary wicketkeeper?
Is it a makeshift opener?
Is it a taken-for-granted rock solid wall?
Is it a recalled ODI batsman?
No!
It’s DravidMan!
Dhan-tana!!!

Dear India,
No action will be taken against Sheila as she refuses to quit and her boss is on sick leave.
Regards,
A grand 126-year old party.

(August 7)

Haar ke baad Yuvi-Bhajji bimaar…
CWG probe se Kalmadi ka dimaag bimaar…
Scams ka tsunami ke baad Sonia bimaar…

India is one really Bimaru nation!

Manmohan Singh looks so peaceful with his headphones in Parliament.
I’ve a sneaking suspicion that he listens to soothing music and not the transcripts of MPs!

(August 5)

2007-2009 T20 World Champs.
2009-2011 Test World Champs.
2011-2015 ODI World Champs.
Indian fans stop complaining!
We’ve never been called world champs for 8 long years!
Which brings me to the Indian Cricket Rule: To wear a new world crown, you have to remove the one that’s already on your head!

(August 2)

© Sunil Rajguru

Hum sab bhrastachari hai…

Enough of anti-corruption talk. Even the corrupt need their private space…

Please sing to the tune of Hum sab Bharatiya hai and due respects and apologies to all NCC cadets as I have been one for many years in the past…

Hum sab bhrastachari hai,
Hum sab bhrastachari hai.

Apni manzil ek hai,
Ha ha ha ek hai,
Ho ho ho ek hai,
Hum sab bhrastachari hai.

2G ki spectrum rani hai,
Sartaj CWG hai,
Sadiyon se humne scams ko apne chhal se pala hai,
Desh ko lootne ki khatir hum har khatra utha lenge,
Hum har khatra utha lenge.

Bikhre bikhre scams hain,
Hum lekin jhilmil ek hai,
Ha ha ha ek hai,
Ho ho ho ek hai,
Hum sab bhrastachari hai.

Bade chhote neta bhi hain yahan,
Aur bureaucrats bhi hain yahan,
Black money ka paper trail hai kahin,
Aur hame pakadna nahin aasan!

Ek hi apna bhagwan hain, aur uska naam paisa hai,
Ek hi apna bhagwan hai, aur uske ke kai roop dekhe hain humne,
Lekin jagmag ek hai,
Ha ha ha ek hai,
Ho ho ho ek hai.

Hum sab bhrastachari hai,
Hum sab bhrastachari hai.

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

More Anna Hazare Musings…

Yesterday: Bharat main bhrasht log masti se khana kha rahe hain, aur kitne log bhookhe hai!
Today: Tihar Jail main Kalmadi-Raja kha rahe hai, aur Anna sahab bhookhe hai.

Overheard…
One Congress party worker to another: What to do, there is total Annarchy in the land and all our political leaders have failed in their political Annalysis!

Theater of the Absurd…
To express solidarity with their party, the Congress Canteen has banned mosaranna (curd rice); the Congress Library has banned Anna Karenina and the Congress Cashiers have banned aathanna (50 paise) coins!

The sequels…
Sonia Gandhi is projected as Indira Gandhi II.
Rahul Gandhi will be projected as Rajiv Gandhi II.
Some people were trying to project Anna Hazare as Jayaprakash Narayan II, but the Congress have turned him into Mahatma Gandhi II.
The UPA is heading towards Emergency II.

Right now the toughest question of 2011 is: Who will get the Worst Congress Spokesperson of the Year Award?

At this rate, the State will have to impose Section 144 in the whole country.

Government to Anna: Listen to us or go back to your land of birth and agitate there!
Me to Government: By that logic: I was born next to Race Course Road in New Delhi, so can I go and agitate there?

© Sunil Rajguru

Twisted nursery rhymes suitable for Corruption…

Baa Baa, Black Sheep
Bah! Bah! Black money, have you any bribes?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.
One for the minister, one for his aide,
and one for the official who needs it again and again.

Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush
Here we go round the Lokpal bush,
The Lokpal bush,
The Lokpal bush.
Here we go round the Lokpal bush,
On each and every morning.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch the corrupt politician by the toe.
When he screams let him go,
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Humpty Dumpty
Congress Credibility sat on a wall,
Congress Credibility had a great fall.
All the queen’s Sibals and all the queen’s Diggys,
Couldn’t put Credibility together again.

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring
It’s raining scams; it’s pouring scams.
Old man Manmohan is snoring.
He went to bed and bumped his head,
And he couldn’t get up in the morning.

Jack and Jill
Diggy and Kapil went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of supporters.
Diggy fell down and broke his crown,
And Kapil came tumbling after.

Hickory Dickory Dock
Hickory, dickory, dock,
The Baba ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The Baba jumped down,
Hickory, dickory, dock.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Raavan Raj at Ram Lila grounds…

Recently Baba Ramdev was removed from the Ram Lila grounds in New Delhi over the Lokpal agitation issue…

Some musings on the issue…

∙ Old slogan: Sonia nahi ye aandhi hai, doosri Indira Gandhi hai.
New Slogan: Satyagrahi nahin ye atyachari hai, doosri Emergency hai…

Ab to bas Congress se corruption free atmosphere ke liye bheek hi maangna padega…
Ek Lok Pal Bill Anna ke naam pe dede re Baba!

∙ This is how Mahatma Gandhi became famous and the British Empire collapsed.
Doesn’t the Congress Empire know its history?

∙ Baba Ramdev probably got his millionth video byte on Indian TV news.
Jitni shaurat zindagi bhar Yoga se nahin mili hogi, us-se dugni anshan aur arrest se mil gayi!

∙ Is Manmohan Singh going to appoint a Propaganda Minister?
Digvijay Singh seems to be the perfect Goebbels.

∙ Police action was effected late after midnight to avoid banner headlines in the newspapers.
Somehow the government forgot about the news channels and Internet.

∙ Yesterday: Lokpal Wars.
Today: The Corrupt Empire Strikes Back.
Tomorrow: Return of the Satyagrahi?

Waise ye Lokpal Bill hain kya? Ab main bhool gaya hu. Bas Anna Baba ki kahani ban ke raha gayi hai…

© Sunil Rajguru